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RE: Questions about a very new relationship - 6/11/2006 1:16:46 PM   
desertdancer


Posts: 1095
Joined: 5/12/2006
Status: offline 		~Nesaa,

Your post was beautiful, and concise.  It's clear you've looked inside yourself, searched through your feelings and are more then ready to explore.

I also have to say that your Don gains points in freely giving you his information.  I do believe very good things can come of online relationship, here's hoping this is one of them!


*smiles*
dancer

edited because I clearly forgot to use spell check


< Message edited by desertdancer -- 6/11/2006 1:18:21 PM >

_____________________________

* Shimmy Shimmy *

(in reply to subnesaa)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Questions about a very new relationship - 6/11/2006 1:28:28 PM   
maybemaybenot


Posts: 2817
Joined: 9/22/2005
Status: offline 		subnessa:

Amongst the many many red flags I see in all of this, the biggest one that boggles my mind is this:

You live in BC and he wants to move there. He is an American. He seems pretty anxious to pack up his duffle bag and head to Canada, illegally. I was considering immigrating to BC at one time and it just isn't as simple as take a plane and land on Canadian soil and get a home, job etc. What does he plan to do when he comes to live there? He can't work, he can't own a car or buy/rent a home. He can't do alot of things. He isn't even trackable for the most part if he is of less than honorable character.
The whole thing smells bad to me. Way too many questions.

Yes, a D/s relationship is built upon trust, you have that part correct. *Built* being the key word. You don't just turn your trust and common sense over to him, because he calls himself Dominant. Think hard and carefully, it sounds like there is alot of manipulation going on on his part; and part of that manipulation is trying to get you to doubt your self and to be badgered into something hat you are not ready for. Hell,  you told him how you feel and he still nudges you to let him live there. " you won't want me to go, I won't want to go", bla bla bla.

You are new, as you say, take your time. Go to munches, meet some people. Get a feel for what it is all about.

                          mbmbn

_____________________________

Tolerance of evil is suicide.- NYC Firefighter

When tolerance is not reciprocated, tolerance becomes surrender.

(in reply to desertdancer)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Questions about a very new relationship - 6/11/2006 2:23:18 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subnesaa

Thank you Dancer, I appreciate what you have to say. It is difficult for me because I am completely alone in this.  One of my biggest concerns is 'how' to communicate this with him in a way that will not seem offensive to him. The last thing I want to do is upset him or dissappoint him, but I do feel like things are moving much too quickly.  I don't wish to challenge him on the decisions he is making... I just need to know how to approach this subject.  Thanks :)

Why would be honest and trusting be a disappointment to him?  It will only disappoint him more when he finds out later that you were hiding things.

The decision is as much yours as it is his, you aren't challenging HIS decision, you're questioning your own.  This is wise.

Do yourself a favor- don't make ANY long term commitments for at least 6 months, to ANYONE.


< Message edited by LuckyAlbatross -- 6/11/2006 2:26:08 PM >

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to subnesaa)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Questions about a very new relationship - 6/11/2006 2:54:46 PM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subnesaa

Thank you Dancer, I appreciate what you have to say. It is difficult for me because I am completely alone in this.  One of my biggest concerns is 'how' to communicate this with him in a way that will not seem offensive to him. The last thing I want to do is upset him or dissappoint him, but I do feel like things are moving much too quickly.  I don't wish to challenge him on the decisions he is making... I just need to know how to approach this subject.  Thanks :)


If he truly "loves" you, then he should understand your fears, and help you be at ease. It's possible all of this is unfounded worries on your part, but I would be alarmed if it were me...... at the very least, wary.
 
You say: 
quote:

I have tried to voice my desire to meet him first, before any long term committment such as co-habitation is decided upon, however, I feel from his response that is not my decision to make.


Bull ca-ca. It IS your decision to make. If he were to say otherwise, I would not trust him....
 
And I have some of the same feelings you do as regards his "employment" issues. Lame-ass control freak sees a young woman responding to him, he moves in with you, convinces you (or tries to) that a real submissive wouldn't mind supporting him for a few weeks...... months..........
 
Be careful *smiles*. This is your life we're talking about.
 
Level

(in reply to subnesaa)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Questions about a very new relationship - 6/11/2006 3:18:40 PM   
MrrPete


Posts: 614
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline 		There are so many red flags in this new relationship I don't know where to start - so I won't. hehehe

Run, do not walk to the nearest exit and get out. period.

3000 mile relationships will not work without a LOT of hard work

Mr. Pete

Looking for a slave.

(in reply to subnesaa)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Questions about a very new relationship - 6/11/2006 3:23:54 PM   
indybbwsubbie


Posts: 51
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		Red flags?  run, run, run.......and don't look back or go back to take a 2nd look at the garbage you just threw out!  Red flags pop up as a warning - to guard yourself against those who do not care for your best interest. 

indy subbie (proudly owned by Master Alan)

"to chain the body is to free the soul"

(in reply to MrrPete)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Questions about a very new relationship - 6/11/2006 3:38:38 PM   
MadamShy


Posts: 173
Joined: 3/21/2006
Status: offline 		I don't think she ment marriage type family ... I really don't think she ment he was leaving his wife .. just ment leaving his family roots


as for My opinion I think desertdancer sez it best

_____________________________

Madam Shy
Head Domina
Bitch of Club Hell
Providence RI

(in reply to CrappyDom)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Questions about a very new relationship - 6/11/2006 3:42:39 PM   
subnesaa


Posts: 17
Joined: 6/11/2006
From: Vancouver, Canada
Status: offline 		Thank you, thank you and thank you for all of your advice.  I suppose this is so confusing, because he tells me to trust him, that he has my best interests at heart.  It is not as though he is being unhumanly cruel to me, he is actually very kind.  We have discussed the matter further and he says that he understands where I am coming from on this subject and will give me the space and time that I need, so this is a good thing, yes?  At the same time though, I am still left to wonder, who is this man? What are his motives, are they sincere or does he have ulterior motives? Should I really just slow down before I get into a serious relationship, meet other people, learn more about the lifestyle? My fear in doing the latter is: what if... he is what he says he is and I am just being over speculative?

Edit re: clarification - Not leaving his family as in a wife.  He is divorsed, but he will be leaving his mother, sisters, son & daughter as well as friends.


< Message edited by subnesaa -- 6/11/2006 3:44:12 PM >

_____________________________

~nesaa

'There are no clear paths. Only pitfalls and tripwires and darkness.' -Robert Jordan

(in reply to indybbwsubbie)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Questions about a very new relationship - 6/11/2006 3:55:27 PM   
maybemaybenot


Posts: 2817
Joined: 9/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

I suppose this is so confusing, because he tells me to trust him, that he has my best interests at heart. 


Yes, it would be confusing. How does he know what your best interests are? He tells you to trust him, what about building trust? Trust for trusts sake, ummm that's a no for me.

quote:

  At the same time though, I am still left to wonder, who is this man?


If you are wondering who he is, you need to slow down a little and figure that one out.

quote:

  Should I really just slow down before I get into a serious relationship, meet other people, learn more about the lifestyle?


My advice would be yes.

quote:

  My fear in doing the latter is: what if... he is what he says he is and I am just being over speculative?




If he is the "lifestyle Dominant" he tells you he is he will understand that there is no hurry and that you need time to trust him and to communicate exactly what it is you both want. This is about a relationship. That means two people needs/desires.

                         mbmbn

_____________________________

Tolerance of evil is suicide.- NYC Firefighter

When tolerance is not reciprocated, tolerance becomes surrender.

(in reply to subnesaa)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Questions about a very new relationship - 6/11/2006 3:58:40 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

He has given me a full bio, ss no., address, names of immediate family members etc, so I don't feel as though he is trying to hide anything, I just question his stability and maturity in the speed at which he seems to be rushing into this relationship. Obviously trust and respect are essential here and I feel a conflict when I question his motives or life situation in making such a quick and permanent committment.


He provided this information but have you used it to investigate his background? Does he have a police record, wife, bad credit or documented (not just implied) mental instability? I would just tell him what you've told us..."I'm scared". It's that simple.
I would say that moving immediately to be with you never having met is a huge red flag. Visiting is less disturbing than what you're describing here. It just doesn't track why someone would move 3000 miles to take advantage of...I mean move in with, someone they've never met. Go with your gut it's serving you well.

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to subnesaa)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Questions about a very new relationship - 6/11/2006 4:01:27 PM   
missalice


Posts: 38
Joined: 5/21/2006
Status: offline 		My advice is as such:

That is definitely moving too quickly. I know you are a submissive, but there are sometimes you will need to be the strong one... for the sake of you and your Dominant. Do not be so submissive to him until you've met, several times... until you know everything about him, even! He may well love you -- or he may be infatuated -- or a serial killer. Take it slowly. If he's truly an understanding and responsible Dominant, he will hear your concerns and wait for you until you are ready!

The way I would like to hear this communicated to me from a submissive would be something like, "Master/Mistress, I care about you greatly, and I have great hopes for our relationship. But we are moving to quickly, and I am not ready for this relationship to progress so quickly. I would like for us to spend more time together in person before we make any committments to each other. Please don't take offense to this, as I have both of our best interests in mind."

(in reply to subnesaa)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Questions about a very new relationship - 6/11/2006 4:04:48 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

Not leaving his family as in a wife.  He is divorsed, but he will be leaving his mother, sisters, son & daughter as well as friends


You need to realize that his kids coming to visit you in the US could be considered international kidnapping and make you a co-conspirator. Most divorce decrees don't even allow you to leave the state with the kids. Just something to chew on.


_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to subnesaa)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Questions about a very new relationship - 6/11/2006 4:06:55 PM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subnesaa

Thank you, thank you and thank you for all of your advice.  I suppose this is so confusing, because he tells me to trust him, that he has my best interests at heart.  It is not as though he is being unhumanly cruel to me, he is actually very kind.  We have discussed the matter further and he says that he understands where I am coming from on this subject and will give me the space and time that I need, so this is a good thing, yes?  At the same time though, I am still left to wonder, who is this man? What are his motives, are they sincere or does he have ulterior motives? Should I really just slow down before I get into a serious relationship, meet other people, learn more about the lifestyle? My fear in doing the latter is: what if... he is what he says he is and I am just being over speculative?

Edit re: clarification - Not leaving his family as in a wife.  He is divorsed, but he will be leaving his mother, sisters, son & daughter as well as friends.



There are no guarantees. He may be a nutjob, he may be your soulmate. He might be understanding, he might dump you. You have to look out for yourself.
 
If he moves near you, let him stay at a hotel. Meet him IN PUBLIC. If this offends him, then at the very least, I would call  him immature.
 
I hope this works out for you.

(in reply to subnesaa)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Questions about a very new relationship - 6/11/2006 4:14:53 PM   
irishbynature


Posts: 551
Joined: 5/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CrappyDom

If the guy is going to leave his fucking FAMILY and you haven't told him to go fuck himself, you really need to assess YOURSELF.

Two words. "Anger management"


_____________________________


What seems nasty, painful, or evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, for those who have the vision to recognize it as such. Henry Miller


(in reply to CrappyDom)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Questions about a very new relationship - 6/12/2006 9:15:29 AM   
MadamShy


Posts: 173
Joined: 3/21/2006
Status: offline 		oh do exactly what Level suggested

Now you can take all this advice or try to argue back how nice He is,  how great you guys click.  you wanted feedback and got great feedback

this is not sane for the first meeting for him to sleep in your home

he should take a Motel hotel and if he doesn't have the funds another alert goes off

the words trust me go along with

I am from the goverment  I will help you

I won't cum in your mouth Honest

and

I am only looking out for your best interest



trust is earned
best interest is only from a long term face to face "relationship of some sort"

not a few Months on phone or internet

Hun He may be great He May Not
but if your worth all of it and He is worth all of it

it pays to be safe ... he visits more than once ...and stays at different location than your home till Both are comfortable




_____________________________

Madam Shy
Head Domina
Bitch of Club Hell
Providence RI

(in reply to irishbynature)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Questions about a very new relationship - 6/12/2006 9:26:55 AM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		To the Op i understand you are new and this guy seems great to you.  it sounds to me like he is looking for a meal ticket because if he just moves there he will not have a job and you will have to support him. and you should definitaly meet him before even condisering moving in with him.

What is this you have no say of course you have a say you are not collared to him you have not even met him so you have a say.  I think you should give this some more serious thought.
Best of luck.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to MadamShy)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Questions about a very new relationship - 6/12/2006 10:13:24 AM   
LL1aintbehavin


Posts: 104
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline 		nesaa.
i hope that i can give some real time advice, being that i am in the situation being Canadian and with a Dom from the states.
if He moves in with you, you can apply to sponsor his to stay in the country, but only after a year of proven real time contact, so it will be one year after the real meet before you are eligable to sponsor him, and within approx 6 months He will get a work permit.
if you move down to the states with Him, you have to get married to be eligable to go through the immigration process, and approx 2 years before you will get a work permit.
to do it from out of your contries you will go through the long process apart but will be able to then transport and move legally to the other country.  if you attempted to do it while together, you are virtually allowed to take with you only that you can fit in two cases and a carry on.
if you are on "vacation" in each others country and go home at any time for a visit, you face the chance of being stopped at the boarder and not being allowed to cross back to be together.
i was with my Dom for a year, and had 4 separate visits, once in His country and 3 times in mine before we took the leap.  leaving family and freinds behind is not that easy and i would wonder why he is so anxious to do so.
you are very new into the relationship and if something does not feel right or you feel rushed you have every right to speak up. if a Dom does not like being questioned about a subs fears then that is a red flag as communication is paramount.
oh, and if He does get in Canada or you in the US, taking responsibility means you promise to support the other for 3 years, even if he leaves you and latches onto someone else in Canada.  This is not something to get into in a hurry.
if you would like to contact me on my email i would be glad to give you more information on immigration issues from both sides as i have had to research it, or even if you wish to ask more about my l/d - two country relationship.
be well
aintbehavin

(in reply to littleone35)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Questions about a very new relationship - 6/12/2006 10:24:53 AM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subnesaa

Thank you, thank you and thank you for all of your advice.  I suppose this is so confusing, because he tells me to trust him, that he has my best interests at heart.  It is not as though he is being unhumanly cruel to me, he is actually very kind.  We have discussed the matter further and he says that he understands where I am coming from on this subject and will give me the space and time that I need, so this is a good thing, yes?  At the same time though, I am still left to wonder, who is this man? What are his motives, are they sincere or does he have ulterior motives? Should I really just slow down before I get into a serious relationship, meet other people, learn more about the lifestyle? My fear in doing the latter is: what if... he is what he says he is and I am just being over speculative?

Edit re: clarification - Not leaving his family as in a wife.  He is divorsed, but he will be leaving his mother, sisters, son & daughter as well as friends.



How can anyone who didn't know you even existed on the face of planet earth less than a month ago, have your best interest at heart or know you at all. It takes far more time than a few weeks to get to know someone.

Just my opinion.

(in reply to subnesaa)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Questions about a very new relationship - 6/12/2006 1:53:58 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline 		Your gut is throwing up red flags right and left, as it should be in this case. IMHO two weeks is way to fast, and moving in with someone without first meeting in real life and spending time together is very risky. I know how powerful words can be, but nothing substitutes for real life. It might help to google his real name (with location) and all his screen names, and his phone number, just to help be sure he is who he says he is.  If he has underage children that might complicate matters too.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


(in reply to subnesaa)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Questions about a very new relationship - 6/12/2006 3:08:59 PM   
LeatherBentOne


Posts: 469
Joined: 9/27/2005
Status: offline 		Did you ever ask this man why he is willing to forsake all?  I'd be interested in his answer.  Sounds very fishy to me.  I agree with what CrappyDomme thinks . . . you might want to listen to him.  After all he is male and a Dom, more likely to know what's in the mind of others more like himself, if indeed this person is on the "up and up" of which I would make sure before jumping from the frying pan into the fire.  There are many predators that lurk on the edges of BDSM, especially looking for newbies such as yourself.

Be safe above all and realise that it can take years to find what youre looking for.  It took me 6 years of careful searching to find what I wanted and it certainly was worth the wait.

Take good care of yourself, use caution and heed your gut feelings.  Theyre trying to tell you something.

(in reply to subnesaa)
Profile   Post #: 40
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