quote:

ORIGINAL: Duskypearls

And Steven, I cannot thank you enough for immediately springing into action, getting to me, and by holding, rubbing and talking to me, brought me back to the safe world. You are one in a million, my dear, and I feel both lucky and honored to know you.

Right you are, Hibby, I am non-confrontational by nature, but I SHOULD give this fellow a piece of my mind.

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

I am sorry this happened to the OP, but honestly, as a woman, not just a sub, I never let anyone touch me, ever, without my permission.

In your case, if you do have emotional traumatic baggage, you do need to protect yourself; I have been to parties and events at one point in my life, and I have seen things like this happen.

That is one reason that I never go to public events; people never keep their hands to themselves, they lack self control.

Glad DS was there for you.

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ORIGINAL: Toppingfrmbottom

She told him stuff like that was an absolute no no, and wasn't even playing with him. He just helped himself. And she didn't see him come up from what I understand. Short of no more public Pps, how do you suggest she do better ftp protect herself.

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

I am sorry this happened to the OP, but honestly, as a woman, not just a sub, I never let anyone touch me, ever, without my permission.

In your case, if you do have emotional traumatic baggage, you do need to protect yourself; I have been to parties and events at one point in my life, and I have seen things like this happen.

That is one reason that I never go to public events; people never keep their hands to themselves, they lack self control.

Glad DS was there for you.

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ORIGINAL: Duskypearls

quote:

ORIGINAL: Toppingfrmbottom

She told him stuff like that was an absolute no no, and wasn't even playing with him. He just helped himself. And she didn't see him come up from what I understand. Short of no more public Pps, how do you suggest she do better ftp protect herself.

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

I am sorry this happened to the OP, but honestly, as a woman, not just a sub, I never let anyone touch me, ever, without my permission.

In your case, if you do have emotional traumatic baggage, you do need to protect yourself; I have been to parties and events at one point in my life, and I have seen things like this happen.

That is one reason that I never go to public events; people never keep their hands to themselves, they lack self control.

Glad DS was there for you.

You nailed it right on the head, darling. I warned him about it, was not playing with him, was coming down from playing with another, had my head turned away, I did not invite him, and never knew what was coming till it hit me.

Thank you for understanding!

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ORIGINAL: FrostedFlake

<snippage>

As I slowly grow up it dawns that as gratifying as overdoing things can be, the only appropriate moment for violence is the moment chosen by the opponent.

However, preparation makes such moments go much better. Particularly when working through that Fight, Flight or Freeze conundrum.

I have a history. Parts are pretty ugly. What I was taught is debilitating. And about this I have not been slack. One of the things I have done is study Tae Kwon Do, Judo and Hapkido. I know from experience that it has made a VERY big difference in the way things have gone for me. What I am trying to make obvious is, that being ready, willing and able is largely an internal matter. I mean, the bad guys see it, plain as Day, because they look for it, but it affects me more than anyone else. The point I am trying to make is, the Fight, Flight or Freeze conundrum can be made much simpler. With motivation, study and work.

Studying a martial art is something that someone can do to change some things that are not comfortable into things that are.

Perhaps I have said something worthwhile.

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It was a nice, easy, comfortable experience for me, and an instructional one for him. At the end of the spanking, I was laying there still in sub space, when out of the blue, the interloper starts thwacking me with a thick, wide, doubled belt leather, giving me the hardest hit I had ever received. I cannot begin to tell you how painful, and what a shock it was, and I was instantly knocked into panic mode, couldn't breath, was crying, and all I could say was, "No, that's too much, that's waaaay too much."

quote:

ORIGINAL: Duskypearls

Oh Steven, I'm so glad you brought this up, as it's really disturbed me. FYI everybody, it was me it happened to, and I'm still trying to make heads or tails of it.

I've got to tell you, it was quite a shock to my entire system. I had only met the fellow (who took it upon himself to painfully insinuate himself into my scene without permission, and without knowing who or how I was or how I'd react, about an hour earlier). One of the few things I shared with him before arriving at the party, was how careful I am in explaining to my spank partners that too much pain can trip my trigger by awakening deeply stored abuse/shock body memories, and what I and my partner need to do to is to talk and use gentle touch to bring me back to the present, so I don't panic, shut down and disassociate. Mind you now, this fellow is supposed to have been experienced, and into the bdsm and spanking lifestyle for a looooong time.

I had brought a new friend with me, whom had never done any of this stuff and wanted to learn, to the spank party, and the host was being good enough to teach him how to spank me. It was a nice, easy, comfortable experience for me, and an instructional one for him. At the end of the spanking, I was laying there still in sub space, when out of the blue, the interloper starts thwacking me with a thick, wide, doubled belt leather, giving me the hardest hit I had ever received. I cannot begin to tell you how painful, and what a shock it was, and I was instantly knocked into panic mode, couldn't breath, was crying, and all I could say was, "No, that's too much, that's waaaay too much."

I don't know how the fool could say this, to justify his actions, but his words were, "I didn't hit you very hard at all." to which my body screamed, "LIAR," why would you say such a thing, especially after I had warned you I could only take moderate pain that must be tempered with comforting sensual touch to keep me from disassociating." I felt so nauseous and hateful towards him.

Unfortunately, my sub self kicked in after a moment or two to stabilize, told him, "It's OK, I'm alright, you had no way of knowing, I won't hold it against you." But the more I think about this, the more I think it a selfish, thoughless violation of me, on his part, and even tho' he's been playing a long time with a friend of mine, I don't know I would ever be willing to trust or play with him.

I think, in fact, it was bad form all around. I don't know what possessed him to do it, or think it was OK. Now that I think of it, he never offered an apology.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Duskypearls




You nailed it right on the head, darling. I warned him about it, was not playing with him, was coming down from playing with another, had my head turned away, I did not invite him, and never knew what was coming till it hit me.

Thank you for understanding!

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ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

quote:

ORIGINAL: Duskypearls

I would be eternally grateful, and would welcome, all responses and suggestions kind, supportive and instructive, but not find helpful "You should have done this," or "The new spanker-friend should have done that." That only leaves me feeling shameful and guilt ridden. I will, one day soon, have a conversation with my new spanker friend, advising how what the culprit did was inappropriate, and he will learn, just like the rest of us did. I am new to this, and am learning as I go.

Well, you pretty much did everything you should have. You went above and beyond by negotiating with him, because you had no expectation of playing with him. As a bottom, you really aren't responsible for more than making prospective tops aware of issues, which you did. Under the party's protocol, there would not have been an issue if he entered the scene and continued it in the same vein as before. The issue was that he broke the rhythm. I personally believe that you would have been okay with the intensity had it been built up to properly, just not as a shock.

Your new spanker friend really couldn't have been expected to do much. He was new and was being actively instructed at the time.

I'm going to propose to the hostess of Scarlet Moons that there be two instructional courses, one for tops and one for bottoms. The one for tops will emphasize how to handle certain implements such as canes, and the one for bottoms will basically say it's okay to say no and to safeword, and vital to negotiate with new partners.

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There is much to be said for mental preparation. It's not the same for everyone, depending on their reasons for freezing. Or fighting.