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Physical & non physical rewards and punishments - 8/21/2012 1:49:43 PM   
Tkman117


Posts: 1353
Joined: 5/21/2012
Status: offline 		So two days ago I met a woman who is willing to be my online slave for a period of time, with occasional meet ups through the year. We both expect her to move in with me eventually, but until then I'm looking for methods of punishments and even rewards that she can do on her own when she has been bad or good. When we first met, I made it clear she would address me as Master, not Lord or Sir, just master. She knew this was important, and intentionally called me sir in order to recieve a physical punishment of five slaps on her puss. I then told her that I could tell what she was trying to do, and as a punishment for trying to manipulate me like this I forbade her from touching her pussy for the rest of the day. I can only assume this was her testing me to see what she could get away with, and thankfully it wasn't much. On a lighter note, the morning after we met, she was eager to simply talk to me and I rewarded her with an orgasm, since we just started our relationship I decided to start with something goo, especially after all of the horible ordeals she had to go through with her previous owner that we call "The bastard".

I've already got some ideas of punishment and rewards, but I'm looking for some outside inspiration and advice on other kind of rewards and punishments. Also, any feedback on the reward and punishment I have spoken of above would be greatly appreciated.

- Ted
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RE: Physical & non physical rewards and punishments - 8/21/2012 2:03:56 PM   
UllrsIshtar


Posts: 3693
Joined: 7/28/2012
Status: offline 		IMO, the only type of punishment that of which you can actually measure the effort it cost her is making her to writing exercises.

If you tell her to slap her own pussy, or to not touch her, you're relaying on her to punish herself, and you don't have a measure for whether or not she can be trusted to obey commands like that, because you guys have been online only so far.
Trusting her to obey and carry out punishments and commands doesn't really work until you know to what extend you can actually trust her. Until then you are jeopardizing your authority over her with every command you cannot actually check on/enforce, and risk encouraging disobedience and lying to you. If you actually intend to move your relationship offline at some point, I would stick to commands you know will be obeyed or you can actually enforce until such time that you are actually offline with her.

< Message edited by UllrsIshtar -- 8/21/2012 2:04:30 PM >

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RE: Physical & non physical rewards and punishments - 8/21/2012 2:09:33 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		Hi Ted,

I appreciate you wanting to have an initial on-line relationship with the hope of leading to more.

I think on-line can be quite tricky in terms of getting attention needs met, and if you have someone who is likely to try for negative attention (punishment) then that can really erode a D/s dynamic as dealing with that online can be troublesome.

Finding ways on creatively scheduling visits may be the best thing you can work towards; I had a job that enabled me to take 5 days in a row off and I could still fulfill my 40 hour commitment (because I could do double shifts).

In a RT relationship withholding attention can be effective against intentional misbehavior.
Online someone can always readily seek the attention of someone else.

I can talk about in-person rewards: being given a bath was one of my favorites, "good girl" spankings are another.

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RE: Physical & non physical rewards and punishments - 8/21/2012 2:13:42 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline 		For me, with all the subs in my life not just Carol, the reward is always "They have pleased me and not wasted my time." The punishment is always, "They have displeased me and wasted my time." The ultimate penalty for wasting my time is that they don't get any more of it. There are two women right now who are not in any way "mine". Yet those motivations seems to work quite thoroughly, as I'd expect them to with any person of honor.

Yeah yeah.. I know that's not the hot and gooey answer. But it is the answer which works for me both long distance and in my own home.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

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RE: Physical & non physical rewards and punishments - 8/21/2012 3:13:39 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Jeff Understands. Yes he does.

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RE: Physical & non physical rewards and punishments - 8/21/2012 3:18:15 PM   
onceshattered


Posts: 117
Joined: 7/30/2012
Status: offline 		From my personal online experiences, you can do a number of things for "punishment". I'm not exactly sure of how the dynamic works between the two of you, but for me.. Not being able to communicate with Him on a daily basis was horrible for me. One punishment for me was "Not having contact with him for a day". Another punishment that worked for us was being humiliated on Cam via Skype - i.e. I had to completely expose myself to him and remain that way until he released me. Again I was not able to view him... as I have an addictive personality this denial of contact with him had a big impact on me. For me, it was the mental aspect of all of it, I mean it had to be... as it was online.

I would say get to know her "quirks", find that weak spot mentally and you'll be able to find your punishment. Hope that helps.

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RE: Physical & non physical rewards and punishments - 8/21/2012 3:25:07 PM   
RumpusParable


Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline 		Sounds like she has you well under control: she has you playing games, giving her exactly what she wants and letting her have her way while you get to tell yourself you're in charge.

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RE: Physical & non physical rewards and punishments - 8/21/2012 3:33:57 PM   
ARIES83


Posts: 3648
Status: offline 		I don't think internet domination is my
cup of tea... Don't think I can help buddy,
I can't even think how it would work...
Wouldn't it just be all mind games and
typing?

-ARIES

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530 DAYS

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RE: Physical & non physical rewards and punishments - 8/21/2012 5:47:24 PM   
Tkman117


Posts: 1353
Joined: 5/21/2012
Status: offline 		If that's so Rampus then what would you recomend? Instead of simply stating that it seems like she's in control, maybe you should actually recomend something.

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RE: Physical & non physical rewards and punishments - 8/21/2012 6:15:37 PM   
RumpusParable


Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline 		Stop letting her be in control. Stop playing the games with her. Stop doing exactly what she wants.

You had the option the first time, when she got you to slap her vulva when she wanted you to"punish" her, you chose to do what she wanted.

From now on, actually be the one in charge. When she does something wrong, don't "punish". Simply stop playing her game. When she does something looking for a reward, stop doing what she wants you to do and giving her a "reward". Why? Because so far that's ALL you describe doing - you've been rewarding her every action by doing what she wants out of you.

Next time she does something to get punished, tell her you're very disappointed in her and next time expect her to do better. If she continues to try and get her way, tell her it is her last warning. Next time she acts out to get "punished" drop her.

Same with "rewards". Next time she does something you like, tell her she did well and that you are pleased with her.

As an adult with a desire to serve and please you, these should be all that are needed.

Or we're you *meaning* to ask about funishments and playtime? Because that's all that you describe so far and seem to be wanting suggestions for. - Which is 100% okay, but let's not pretend it's actual About obedience.

_____________________________

Relationships come and go, but plastination is forever.

I generally use fast-reply. If directing my post at someone specific I will indicate so.

Minimal summary: Artist, Disabled Veteran, Vegan, Pornographer, and Agender dominant female.

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RE: Physical & non physical rewards and punishments - 8/21/2012 6:26:55 PM   
Tkman117


Posts: 1353
Joined: 5/21/2012
Status: offline 		Thank you, that helps a lot, I did not fully consider this. I guess I was asking about funishments now that I think about it, thank you again for helping me sort this out. I'm fairly new to this lifestyle and I can't deny that there is a lot I probably need to learn.

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RE: Physical & non physical rewards and punishments - 8/21/2012 6:27:13 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ARIES83
I don't think internet domination is my cup of tea... Don't think I can help buddy, I can't even think how it would work... Wouldn't it just be all mind games and
typing?

No. Here's a specific example. I tell person X... "Bed time by 10pm". They go to bed by 10pm. Where, in that, is the "mind game". None of it was typed. It was done over voice. I think that real life is still real life whether it's long distance or not. I think a lot of the BDSM "play" would fall short long distance though.

To answer Ted's question about specifics in terms of who is in control.

Her, "I know you want me to call you master but I'm calling you sir."
You, "Full stop. Right here and right now. I want to know if this is the sort of weak little game you're planning on playing and calling 'submission' or was this just a momentary brain freeze? Because honestly, I'm not up for playing childish little games. You knew the command. Explain why you did no obey."

Trust me on this. If I said that the tones in my voice would convey everything important. She would know that our continued relationship relied on her giving correct answers here. This whole business with subs "testing" I don't really understand. The only test that matters is whether or not I think they are wasting my time. If they want to test whether I will actually enforce the boundary they are going to find out that I do... quickly and thoroughly.

Note, I am not suggesting that a stance of absolute rigidity is good or proper on a long-distance D/s relationship. There's just too much going on in the other person's life that you don't know about and too much feedback you're never going to get. But the whole "sir" thing was not a life event interfering with a command. It was her fooling around with you. And yes, as Rumpus said, you danced her tune.


_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

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RE: Physical & non physical rewards and punishments - 8/21/2012 6:36:52 PM   
onceshattered


Posts: 117
Joined: 7/30/2012
Status: offline 		May I get some clarification on the situation? I'm a little confused.

-- Did you meet her face to face 2 days ago?
-- Was there a previous online history between the two of you?
-- If you only "started talking" to her two days ago, how can you guys agree that she will move in with you?

If I understand correctly, (which could be completely wrong), this is going to be online a majority of the time. So I would think that any punishments/rewards are going to have to be more mental/emotional than physical. Physical is possible if you are watching via Cam of course. If you are not able to view her, as someone else posted, in order for the punishment to be effective you would have to be able to trust her to carry it out.


This opinion is coming from someone who has been "punished" via online means.

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RE: Physical & non physical rewards and punishments - 8/21/2012 6:54:59 PM   
RumpusParable


Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Tkman117

Thank you, that helps a lot, I did not fully consider this. I guess I was asking about funishments now that I think about it, thank you again for helping me sort this out. I'm fairly new to this lifestyle and I can't deny that there is a lot I probably need to learn.


Good luck to you!

_____________________________

Relationships come and go, but plastination is forever.

I generally use fast-reply. If directing my post at someone specific I will indicate so.

Minimal summary: Artist, Disabled Veteran, Vegan, Pornographer, and Agender dominant female.

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RE: Physical & non physical rewards and punishments - 8/21/2012 7:01:57 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		I cannot help the OP because I don't participate in online domination; I need real time face to face stuff.

But you will get some good advice from the learned folks here on this side.

Good luck!!

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RE: Physical & non physical rewards and punishments - 8/21/2012 7:02:04 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Tkman117
I guess I was asking about funishments now that I think about it

AAaaaahhh... entirely different story. In funishment the only rule is to have fun :)


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I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

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RE: Physical & non physical rewards and punishments - 8/21/2012 7:03:00 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

I'm fairly new to this lifestyle and I can't deny that there is a lot I probably need to learn.


Owning another human being is a lot of responsibility. I suggest you work up to this. Get some of the non-fiction books here, join some groups, go to munches and events, look for a TNG group near you.

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RE: Physical & non physical rewards and punishments - 8/21/2012 7:53:50 PM   
ARIES83


Posts: 3648
Status: offline 		But isn't that basically a phone call, I was more
talking about typing I prefer the personal touch.
I suppose by mind games I meant, how do you
know they doing anything you tell them to do if
your not there. Would you set up a webcam or
something?

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RE: Physical & non physical rewards and punishments - 8/21/2012 8:03:52 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline 		I know because I wouldn't be wasting my time at all with them if I did not believe that.

Let me flip that question around. What sort of person would disobey a command then hide that fact and why would you be wasting any time whatsoever with them.... long distance or otherwise?

edited to add:
wait... I'd just like to clarify something. I don't give commands to not-mine subs (usually) and I don't have any expectation of obedience. My only claim on these two women is that they like me, respect me, and trust me. In the end, I say whatever I do and they do whatever they do. Neither has disappointed me in that regard. LOL, of course, now that I think on it that's not too far off from how it is with Carol. Seldom does Carol actually get dominance from me. It's unneeded and would be hurtful to her.

< Message edited by JeffBC -- 8/21/2012 8:11:50 PM >

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

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RE: Physical & non physical rewards and punishments - 8/21/2012 8:12:41 PM   
cloudboy


Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
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Not saying you have to answer, but I'm wondering two things. (1) Before getting married, how long did your longest relationship last. (2) How long have you been married?

I ask this because of the bright line, black and white way you see things. Its very clean and appealing, but I've also seen this line of thinking from serial monogamists, folks who have never been in one relationship longer than 5 years or so.

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