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RE: Touching - 8/22/2012 7:43:30 PM   
subbingincalif


Posts: 24
Joined: 8/13/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ARIES83

Another thing I'll add quickly, is the fact he
said he's a "Chameleon" that just said to me,
"I don't have strong prefrences or
a consistant persona"
And that gives me pause for thought...
That may be the root of the lack of chemistry
possibly.

Do you think you would be more into it, if you
had a clearly defined picture of who he was, how
he acts an what he expects?

-ARIES



Sounds to me like he does have a clearly defined picture of who he is. He simply isn't the one-note version of a dom you want or were expecting. So instead of trying to figure out if he fits into the box you have labeled "dom," just look at him as an individual person and see if he works for you. Maybe he doesn't; maybe he doesn't.

(in reply to ARIES83)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Touching - 8/22/2012 8:06:03 PM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chemeli

I went to a couple of dates with a Dom lately. And we got along well, laughed and I felt it clicked, personality wise. I guess he felt it as well, for during the next dates we had, without us talking about it first, he began to pat my head during long period, enough to make me asking *why?* during those times and making me uncomfortable.

I’m guessing those patting are meant for me to feel more submissive towards him and I’m guessing, is this the *usual* path Doms use to keep contact or to establish a link between the sub and themselves?



The guy sounds like a total dork.
I'd walk away laughing.


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Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Touching - 8/22/2012 8:23:49 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chemeli

DesFIP, well, maybe with the introspection that everyone has given me, i'll be more outgoing about it. During that time, i felt that it was my *role* to behave and not to argue....the perfect submissive. I'm a perfectionnist in most things and well....i tried to be this as well.

Cryptic, actually, i felt exactly like the cat on your gif. Except, well....i'm too polite to act that way ^^ thank you for your input.


You are not a "role". You are yourself and for that reason, you have every right and should excercise that right to tell someone not to touch you in a way that makes you feel weird.

If someone patted me on the head even once, I would not be very nice to them. That is creepy. I don't mind someone touching my hand or arm on a first date or even trying to kiss me, but head patting? Uh..no.

On the other hand, when you have amazing chemistry with someone, you don't mind what they do, so perhaps you are just not that into him?

(in reply to chemeli)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Touching - 8/22/2012 8:27:50 PM   
chemeli


Posts: 335
Joined: 7/30/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1


quote:

ORIGINAL: chemeli

DesFIP, well, maybe with the introspection that everyone has given me, i'll be more outgoing about it. During that time, i felt that it was my *role* to behave and not to argue....the perfect submissive. I'm a perfectionnist in most things and well....i tried to be this as well.

Cryptic, actually, i felt exactly like the cat on your gif. Except, well....i'm too polite to act that way ^^ thank you for your input.


You are not a "role". You are yourself and for that reason, you have every right and should excercise that right to tell someone not to touch you in a way that makes you feel weird.

If someone patted me on the head even once, I would not be very nice to them. That is creepy. I don't mind someone touching my hand or arm on a first date or even trying to kiss me, but head patting? Uh..no.

On the other hand, when you have amazing chemistry with someone, you don't mind what they do, so perhaps you are just not that into him?



reading you reflects what this thread had got me thinking.....he's nice, smart and funny and i guess i wanted to be into him, but where you're not you're not. Oh well :)

thank you for the insight everyone.....it really helped, but i dont know why, i'm disappointed.

(in reply to sexyred1)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Touching - 8/22/2012 8:36:45 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		Ok, so take the BDSM and D/s and all that out of it and just look at this as you dating a guy and you're trying to ascertain your chemistry with him. Doesn't sound like there is any...right? If you were into the guy the head patting (which is ridiculous btw, the thought of it has been cracking me up nonstop) would probably affect you positively. As it is, it's leaving you flat. You're not into him, just admit it and stop trying to make yourself think he's all that and a bag of chips. Sometimes intellectually we like people, but the chemistry is not there. That's where I'd say you are with this.

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Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Touching - 8/22/2012 8:42:13 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chemeli


reading you reflects what this thread had got me thinking.....he's nice, smart and funny and i guess i wanted to be into him, but where you're not you're not. Oh well :)

thank you for the insight everyone.....it really helped, but i dont know why, i'm disappointed.


Don't be disappointed...it's life, you're not a match for everyone. It's awesome that you found out at this stage of the game rather then down the road when you were more invested. I'll bet you will get out there and meet more people and find that guy who lights your panties on fire and is awesome to boot...it'll happen. Don't let him slip by as you waste time with Mr. Head-Patter. Who by the way will move on to find a woman that is totally into having her head patted, lol. Win win. You both deserve to be with people that will light up your world. It's not always meant to be. I just honestly don't think you're feeling this guy on a relationship wavelength.

(in reply to chemeli)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Touching - 8/22/2012 9:09:18 PM   
chemeli


Posts: 335
Joined: 7/30/2012
Status: offline 		Thank you for your kind words. I'm trying to forcing something that in the end, would make me unhappy. And you,re right, Mr. Panties on Fire might be out there.

Hmmm. C'est la vie. :)

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Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Touching - 8/22/2012 10:19:51 PM   
FrostedFlake


Posts: 3084
Joined: 3/4/2009
From: Centralia, Washington
Status: offline 		Take his hand... and put it where you want it.

Even if that is up his... nose.

Hat tip to Cryptic. Exceptional.

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simul justus et peccator
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(in reply to chemeli)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Touching - 8/23/2012 12:11:34 AM   
ARIES83


Posts: 3648
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: subbingincalif

Sounds to me like he does have a clearly defined picture of who he is. He simply isn't the one-note version of a dom you want or were expecting. So instead of trying to figure out if he fits into the box you have labeled "dom," just look at him as an individual person and see if he works for you. Maybe he doesn't; maybe he doesn't.


You can call a bird a fish, but it won't swim.

-ARIES

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530 DAYS

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Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Touching - 8/23/2012 12:13:30 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		OK, first off - I did smirk a couple of times. I have this vision of some dude repeatedly patting your head, waiting for something awesome to happen.... But!


quote:

ORIGINAL: chemeli
I just dont know how to say this without upsetting him, i just dont know him enough and still am trying to figure him out.


How do you think he'd feel if you didn't tell him about something that made you feel uncomfortable? Personally, I'd be far more upset that someone felt they couldn't communicate a concern than I would if they told me that something made them uncomfy.

quote:



Do you have to actually scene with the other person to know you're not compatible Top/bottom wise? Just a thought.


At the end of the day... I'd say yes. You only really, really, know when you actually get down to the nasty stuff. That isn't to say that you don't get a pretty good impression of compatibility (or otherwise) beforehand, but I've certainly had a couple of experiences where someone I was sure would be super compatible turned out not to be.

For me (and it's probably a quirk) "Kiss compatibility" is a crucial acid test. If there's no kiss compatibility, it's likely that the rest will suck too.


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Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Touching - 8/23/2012 6:40:57 AM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline 		Chemeli,
It sounds as though you've already decided to break things off. But just in case there is still time for a change of heart, I wanted to add a few thoughts.

Firstly, there is no D/s Handbook. You seem to be looking for "official rules", but none exist. D/s is just like vanilla dating. Every relationship is different. You first see if you like the person as a friend. Do the two of you get along? Do you enjoy their company? Could you see yourself spending more time with them? If they pass that test, then you move forward and see if there is "chemistry" and attraction (e.g. do you think he's handsome? Could you see yourself in a relationship with him? Could you see yourself having sex with him?).

Those are questions that only you can answer.

As far as how dominance is introduced, that too is going to differ from person to person. It sounds like patting your head is his way of showing subtle dominance. Frankly, when you described it, I immediately thought of patting a puppy or kitten on the head. So perhaps that is the message that he is subtly sending you. He is treating you like you are his little pet. It is a baby step of establishing dominance, and he is seeing whether you accept a behavior that probably wouldn't be appropriate for an equal, but is completely appropriate for a sub/slave.

Lastly, just as in vanilla relationships, communication is key. In fact, it is the thing that is most going to determine whether your relationship succeeds or fails. So communicate openly and honestly.

Also, there is a little secret of D/s that some Doms/Dommes don't want sub/slaves to know. The truth is that right now YOU are in charge. No matter how much he wants to dominate you, he can't until you accept his dominance and give up control. You can choose to never yield that control. And if you do that, he will never be able to dominate you. Remember that, but don't mention it to him. After all, it's a secret.

Good luck. I wish you well in your search for an appropriate partner.
-Roch

(in reply to chemeli)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Touching - 8/23/2012 6:59:14 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

I went to a couple of dates with a Dom lately. And we got along well, laughed and I felt it clicked, personality wise. I guess he felt it as well, for during the next dates we had, without us talking about it first, he began to pat my head during long period, enough to make me asking *why?* during those times and making me uncomfortable.

I’m guessing those patting are meant for me to feel more submissive towards him and I’m guessing, is this the *usual* path Doms use to keep contact or to establish a link between the sub and themselves?


I'm familiar with establishing dominance via other types of physical contact but not the head patting. While it seems a little odd to me, I wonder if you were comfortable with him as a Dom and with the pace, it wouldn't be an issue for you.

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Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Touching - 8/23/2012 7:21:57 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ARIES83


quote:

ORIGINAL: subbingincalif

Sounds to me like he does have a clearly defined picture of who he is. He simply isn't the one-note version of a dom you want or were expecting. So instead of trying to figure out if he fits into the box you have labeled "dom," just look at him as an individual person and see if he works for you. Maybe he doesn't; maybe he doesn't.


You can call a bird a fish, but it won't swim.

-ARIES


unless it's a Penguin.

<just sayin> ;-)

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to ARIES83)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Touching - 8/23/2012 7:28:18 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: crazyml

OK, first off - I did smirk a couple of times. I have this vision of some dude repeatedly patting your head, waiting for something awesome to happen....


I had that same vision.

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Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Touching - 8/23/2012 12:14:38 PM   
culareD


Posts: 762
Joined: 8/16/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CRYPTICLXVI





Hilarious head patting! MEEEEOWWWW!!!

I personally would not want to have my head touched in such a way...besides there are much more interesting places that might need touching ;)

~ culare'd

(in reply to CRYPTICLXVI)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Touching - 8/23/2012 2:12:28 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		The impression I get here is like two teenagers, clumsily fumbling around. You are trying to prove you're a submissive and he's trying to prove he's a Dom.

He wants to move into the physical realm and for some reason is trying to do that by head patting. My guess is he saw a video clip in which a Daddy Dom patted his submissive's head and she melted. So he's doing that to you and can't figure out why you haven't melted yet. He's got numerous other options for trying to initiate control over you, and he's likely unaware of them (grabbing your hair and holding your head in place when he kisses you, giving you a swat during a kiss, simply giving you an order to come here, etc.). Neither one of you has initiated the "Okay, head patting doesn't work - now what?" conversation, so he's locked into headpat mode and you're locked into the no-objections mode.

You may think of him, being a Dom, as your ticket into the lifestyle. Bluntly, he's not. He might be able to give you another perspective but he's not experienced and seems not inclined to learn new stuff.

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

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Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Touching - 8/23/2012 2:17:50 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MAsBuABX1p4

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Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Touching - 8/23/2012 2:54:40 PM   
chemeli


Posts: 335
Joined: 7/30/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

My guess is he saw a video clip in which a Daddy Dom patted his submissive's head and she melted. So he's doing that to you and can't figure out why you haven't melted yet. He's got numerous other options for trying to initiate control over you, and he's likely unaware of them (grabbing your hair and holding your head in place when he kisses you, giving you a swat during a kiss, simply giving you an order to come here, etc.). Neither one of you has initiated the "Okay, head patting doesn't work - now what?" conversation, so he's locked into headpat mode and you're locked into the no-objections mode.

You may think of him, being a Dom, as your ticket into the lifestyle. Bluntly, he's not. He might be able to give you another perspective but he's not experienced and seems not inclined to learn new stuff.



From what he told me, he's had more then 15 years of experience in bondage making and had several submissives in training as well, over a period of 1 year each. I thought....yeah, someone who can actually teach me ! So i looked forward to that, you're right.

I'll speak to him about everything that raised interrogations in my mind from this thread, we'll see how that goes...

Edited to add that i'm not trying to defend him, but just saying that's what he told me. So far, i have no reason not to believe him.

< Message edited by chemeli -- 8/23/2012 2:56:00 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Touching - 8/23/2012 3:51:18 PM   
Whiplashsmile4


Posts: 2305
Joined: 12/2/2008
Status: offline 		I'm a bit of a bastard when it comes to scoring head pats. They are like a 1 or 0 on any scale in my book. I'm into things such as caressing, taking hold and guiding, full body massages. Head Pats? Hellll... I don't even do this to animals. I will rub or caress pets even. But Head Pats? (pfffffffffff that shit don't even work or fly well on actual animals)... WTF is what I'm thinking right now. Seriously...

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Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Touching - 8/23/2012 4:06:15 PM   
Whiplashsmile4


Posts: 2305
Joined: 12/2/2008
Status: offline 		In regards to taking the next step? Wow, I'm still amazed at the whole head Pat business. Damn, this stuff is more than just mere touch. Involves body language and also combined with verbal aspects. It's a combination of things together. I really don't try to over think this shit. If I'm kissing somebody, and I don't like they way they are kissing or whatever it is. I open my mouth and tell them what to do better. I don't tell them that they are bad kisser, bad at oral or whatever else. Instead, I give them exactly what they need to know to do it better... assert that that's the way I want or like it. Stir them off the path of them doing shit the way i don't like. LOL

The Physical Dom touch is there right from the start for me. I'll even squeeze somebody's hand before pulling them in the direction I want them to go in. I'm rather at a loss in regards to how HEAD PATS used upon human beings or even Animals is a Dominant like touch.

Personally, most other forms of touching are more Dominant like compared to Head Pats. If I Head patted anybody, I'd expect for them to be giving me "WTF are you doing" look... Yes, I'd expect for them to be staring at me with some stupid retarded look upon their face, for the equally stupid retarded touch I just gave them... by Patting their Friggen Head.

I'll Pat somebody, when I'm intending an insult or as a sarcastic insult joke. I'll use head PATS to mock or make fun of a situation even.... where clearly sarcasm is involved. But it's not on my TOP 1000 list of ways to touch somebody.





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(in reply to chemeli)
Profile   Post #: 40
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