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Question re: humiliation - 6/11/2006 11:58:07 AM   
LittleMissSub


Posts: 46
Joined: 2/23/2005
Status: offline 		Is humiliation an integral part of the BDSM lifestyle?  A friend of mine was telling me there are certain key elements, and without them, you're not really into the lifestyle.  I think they were obedience, humiliation, pain and something else....
 
I've tried and tried and tried to wrap my head around humiliation.  It's subjective.  What I don't find humiliating others do.  But what I find humiliating I want no part of.  Am I alone?
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RE: Question re: humiliation - 6/11/2006 12:03:05 PM   
CrappyDom


Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		The whole point is exploring what YOU want to explore...finding out what your deepest, most secret turns on are, what makes you tick as a human being.


(in reply to LittleMissSub)
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RE: Question re: humiliation - 6/11/2006 12:03:17 PM   
LorgromAndMiskel


Posts: 46
Joined: 6/9/2004
Status: offline 		Humiliation is no more an integral part of BDSM as anything else. All that really matters is finding someone you match up with, and then you decide what is integral in that relaionship.

(in reply to LittleMissSub)
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RE: Question re: humiliation - 6/11/2006 12:03:37 PM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		Your friend is incorrect, nothing is set in stone. Some people are into the humilation thing, some aren't. If you don't like humilation then set it as one of your limits and convey that to prospective partners.
BDSM relationships are what YOU and your partner(s) want it to be. There are no set rules except the ones you make up and often they change over time.

Have fun, its the most important part.

~Lashra

(in reply to LittleMissSub)
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RE: Question re: humiliation - 6/11/2006 12:13:42 PM   
FloridaISIS


Posts: 235
Joined: 5/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LittleMissSub

Is humiliation an integral part of the BDSM lifestyle?  A friend of mine was telling me there are certain key elements, and without them, you're not really into the lifestyle.  I think they were obedience, humiliation, pain and something else....
 
I've tried and tried and tried to wrap my head around humiliation.  It's subjective.  What I don't find humiliating others do.  But what I find humiliating I want no part of.  Am I alone?


First, you're not alone, and nowhere in the D/s handbook does it say humilation is a requirment to be Dominant or submissive.  The rules aren't  pulled from out of the sky somewhere.

Live out of the box, put your own spin on it, repackage it your own way and make it your own. Custom tailor it to you and your partners liking.
Nowhere does it say you're not truely into the lifestyle if you aren't humiliating or being humilated. IMHO, that's bull.

I've been in the lifestyle four years, and just like in vanilla no two couples are exactly alike. It's  not a one-size-fits all lifestyle by any means.

As long as everything is kept safe, sane and CONSENSUAL, and no one is being permanetly harmed, and everyone involved is in agreement, then don't worry what others think. 

Bend it, shape it anyway you want it.  The lifestyle is yours for the making and taking. Trust me, I know about living outside of the perfect little cookie cutter ideal; I'm a switch.  There will be those who look down upon some of the things you do, and try to push their beliefs on you, as with anything weigh it for merit, and do what you will with it.

I'd also like to add, and I think you may have found this out through experience, not all of us are cut out for humiliation. The damage it can do can be far more lasting than any physical punisment meted out.

Just one person's humble thoughts.

Live, Love, Laugh, and play safe,
Isis

(in reply to LittleMissSub)
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RE: Question re: humiliation - 6/11/2006 12:15:39 PM   
darkinshadows


Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline
BDSM - is there a H in it?
Nope.
 
So no - humiliation isn't an integral part of it - unless its your kink.  Even if there was a H - still does not mean you must practise it.  Pain is not integral.  Not everyone who practises BDSM is into pain.  Obedience... yes - there is a certain consistant elemant of obedience in any power exchange.  I love humiliation from a personal point of view, but it isn't for everyone.  But I would always recommend 'dabbling' in it a little - just to taste it.
 
Would be interested in what the 'something else ' is.
 
Peace and Rapture


_____________________________
.dark.



...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to LittleMissSub)
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RE: Question re: humiliation - 6/11/2006 12:17:31 PM   
feastie


Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline 		There is no part of BDSM, D/s or M/s that you have to absolutely accept as carved in stone.  Concentrate on what you enjoy and forget the rest.  However, remain openminded.  Many times there are things we truly believe we'd hate, and lo and behold, we adore.

Good luck to you.

_____________________________

Snarky and loving it.

Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

(in reply to FloridaISIS)
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RE: Question re: humiliation - 6/11/2006 12:18:21 PM   
ScooterTrash


Posts: 1407
Joined: 1/24/2005
From: Indiana
Status: offline 		No...not a requirement. I personally think humilation is degrading and I'm personally not into degrading someone just for the sake of it. It doesn't mean you are in or you are out, it's just like a kink, if it trips you & your's trigger, go for it. 

_____________________________

Formal symbolic representation of qualitative entities is doomed to its rightful place of minor significance in a world where flowers and beautiful women abound.
-Albert Einstein

(in reply to LittleMissSub)
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RE: Question re: humiliation - 6/11/2006 12:41:55 PM   
tixarah


Posts: 21
Joined: 11/10/2005
Status: offline 		i dont think by any means it is a part of it.....i think whoever told you that is just a little judgemental....BDSM is about what you and your partner like...what you decide is your "Thing".....personally i hate humiliation, i cant stand it, i feel belittled and offended and it just does not sit well with me.  Though i know many people that love it, so its all a matter of perspective....

(in reply to ScooterTrash)
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RE: Question re: humiliation - 6/11/2006 12:58:41 PM   
MrrPete


Posts: 614
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline 		I know a sub that craves humiliation
I can call her everything  I can think of and she'll just smile.
but can't take a cum shot to the face. Too humiliating.

That doesn't make it integral to BDSM

Powere Exchange I think would be integral
Communication would be a close second.

Mr. Pete

Looking for a slave

(in reply to tixarah)
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RE: Question re: humiliation - 6/11/2006 1:07:06 PM   
LokisBrat


Posts: 431
Joined: 12/5/2005
From: Mayberry, Illinois
Status: offline 		I have to agree that humiliation is not a key element in the "BDSM" lifestyle.  This process is agreed upon with individual kinks that work for that person and their partner.  It is not for everyone.

LOKI


_____________________________

"My pleasure, your pain. Doesn't matter, its all the same"

-Loki

(in reply to MrrPete)
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RE: Question re: humiliation - 6/12/2006 2:20:22 PM   
LittleMissSub


Posts: 46
Joined: 2/23/2005
Status: offline 		thanks for the input everyone.  I personally think that your relationship with another is what you make it and every one has it's own boundaries and guidelines.  I was just wondering if I was way off base (which I didn't think I was).

Like I said, humiliation is subjective.  Some things that someone else would find TOO humiliating to consider I don't mind doing at all, while other things which I personally find humiliating I just won't allow.


LOL...this is just such a funny situation I've gotten myself into.  It's like he sets me up for failure, which is nothing but manipulation in my eyes.  He does thing A (or some derivitive of it) that is off limits, and when I say "no" (which is hard enough in itself to say) he says he doesn't like to hear me say no, and wants to punish me for saying it.  So I say, "that's a limit, you can't punish me for being who I am, and honest about it, besides, you knew it was off limits and I was going to say no."  Oh man....such a good example of 2 styles just not clicking.  thanks again for the input.

here's another question.  do you push limits and boundaries with those you play with casually, or only with long term partners (someone you trust and care about deeply) doing the pushing or present while it's being done?

(in reply to LokisBrat)
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RE: Question re: humiliation - 6/12/2006 2:35:14 PM   
PlayfulOne


Posts: 1047
Status: offline 		Yes, Rule number 7  tyhe kinky 10 commandments states that all subs/.slaves must be humiliated twice a day or the Master/Dom risk losing his Master Card.

K

(in reply to LittleMissSub)
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RE: Question re: humiliation - 6/12/2006 3:25:59 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LittleMissSub
here's another question.  do you push limits and boundaries with those you play with casually, or only with long term partners (someone you trust and care about deeply) doing the pushing or present while it's being done?

I don't push limits at all- I don't distinguish between hard and soft limits.  It's either a limit or it's up for discussion.

I explore new things with people I trust to know what they are doing and capable of enjoying the experience with- that could be someone I've just met or someone I've known for years.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to LittleMissSub)
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RE: Question re: humiliation - 6/12/2006 3:52:09 PM   
OedipusRexIt


Posts: 634
Joined: 11/15/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: feastie

There is no part of BDSM, D/s or M/s that you have to absolutely accept as carved in stone.  Concentrate on what you enjoy and forget the rest.  However, remain openminded.  Many times there are things we truly believe we'd hate, and lo and behold, we adore.

Good luck to you.


Well said.  It's your preference or not.

_____________________________

"My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die..."

(in reply to feastie)
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RE: Question re: humiliation - 6/12/2006 8:19:35 PM   
CrescentLuna


Posts: 89
Joined: 6/3/2006
From: Upstate NY
Status: offline 		Exactly as everyone else has said (though I'd be interested in what, to some people, defines a BDSM relationship and at what point it is just a vanilla relationship) humiliation, much as I like it, isn't set in stone. It'd be like saying everyone has to like to be whipped, or like to be an exhibitionist, or anything else equally inane that doesn't REALLY have anything to do with a power-exchange relationship. Sure, a lot may have it as an element, but is hardly a requirement.

(in reply to OedipusRexIt)
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RE: Question re: humiliation - 6/12/2006 9:07:37 PM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		Humiliation, pain and obedience are not the cornerstones of my relationship. Emotional transparency is and for fun we do bondage not s&m. As far as limit pushing, that's my responsibility; to tell him when I feel comfortable enough to try something that has been off limits before.

However all of this should have been discussed upfront. If he agreed to things, and now is changing the rules - then can you trust him to stop if you safeword? I wouldn't. Either his word means something or he's a liar who says anything figuring to get his way once before you walk.

(in reply to CrescentLuna)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Question re: humiliation - 6/13/2006 12:00:04 AM   
Padriag


Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
Status: offline 		Just to echo what others have already said, no humiliation is not "integral" to the BDSM or the "lifestyle".  However, I think it is fair to say that it is common to many activities and fetishes.  That is there are many fetishes and kinks that include an degree of humiliation to them.

You're also right in that not everyone finds the same things humiliating, or humiliating to the same degree.  This is a very individual and personal thing.

There is also a definiable difference between humiliation and degradation, though you will find many use these words interchangeably as synonyms.  In fact they are two different things, but also subjective.  Just as you will not find the same things humiliating as others, neither will you find the same things to be degrading, both are highly subjective and individual.

As a rule I consider degradation to be a bad thing, while I consider humiliation to be both an enjoyable kink and a useful tool.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to LittleMissSub)
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RE: Question re: humiliation - 6/13/2006 12:11:46 AM   
litleone8620


Posts: 3669
Joined: 6/12/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: LittleMissSub
here's another question.  do you push limits and boundaries with those you play with casually, or only with long term partners (someone you trust and care about deeply) doing the pushing or present while it's being done?

I don't push limits at all- I don't distinguish between hard and soft limits.  It's either a limit or it's up for discussion.

I explore new things with people I trust to know what they are doing and capable of enjoying the experience with- that could be someone I've just met or someone I've known for years.


I don't differentiate between hard and soft limits either.  Things that are up for discussion needed to be talked through with your dominant. If you need to do this until you're blue in the face, fine, so be it.

In response to your statements above your question, it doesn't sound as if your Dominant is respecting your limits.


_____________________________

He who laughs last didn't get the joke


We have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart?

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Question re: humiliation - 6/13/2006 5:57:21 AM   
twicehappy


Posts: 2706
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ScooterTrash

No...not a requirement. I personally think humilation is degrading and I'm personally not into degrading someone just for the sake of it. It doesn't mean you are in or you are out, it's just like a kink, if it trips you & your's trigger, go for it. 


Lol, ok Master mine, then why do you get such a bang out of making me wear panties under my jeans and slyly checking out my butt when i am wearing jeans to be sure i have them on(i hate them!)?

(note, this is really not the type of humiliation being discussed here)

_____________________________

Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations.

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to ScooterTrash)
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