RE: New 'part time' sub seeks advice

RE: New 'part time' sub seeks advice (Full Version)

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kalikshama -> RE: New 'part time' sub seeks advice (8/28/2012 11:34:50 AM)
My ex's father passed away at about age 80. His mother is in her 80s. For years, he has been making frequent trips to see them - at least once per month. My relationship with R was of munch longer duration, but I heard from him frequently and heard details about the trips to the doctors, shopping, home repairs, etc. R is quite a frequent communicator though. If your guy is a frequent communicator when he's home but not when he's away, I'd find that odd. If he's generally open, but is not forthcoming about the family issues, I'd find that odd too. Trust your gut. Every time I suspected someone of lying, he was. Every time someone imposed a communication blackout, he turned out to be with another woman. If you put "relationship" in quotes because you think you are just a booty call, then you're right.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: New 'part time' sub seeks advice (8/28/2012 11:40:05 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sexyred1 I always disagree with everyone in situations like this where you start telling the OP she is too needy, etc. Just because she wants more communication even if they are fuck buddies, is fine for her to want. She just has to communicate to him and not us. Also, when you ask someone what is going on and they consistently reply, Oh, I am too busy to talk, or very busy, long story, tell you later, that kind of crap, I am suspicious. If someone is not crystal clear in their answers to me, I too, think they are lying. Whether or not her relationship is part time or not, she has a right to want what she wants and if cannot or will not provide it, she has the right to walk out, as does he have the right to tell her that he cannot fulfill her needs. All of this and then some. If this is a "part time" relationship, then expect part time attention, and learn that you need a lot more. Being kinky means that we relate to each other in different ways but we still have to relate to each other. Think about what you want, and what you need, and talk to the other person involved. I need daily contact to feel content, and when I find out that someone is conveniently leaving facts out of our conversations, I wonder what else is being hidden. What do YOU need to feel content?

LadyPact -> RE: New 'part time' sub seeks advice (8/28/2012 11:43:52 AM)
If I was part time with someone, and it had only been three months, it's highly unlikely that I would be calling the person I was basically just dating when I had a family issue come up that took Me out of town. I'd be taking care of the family issue and that is where My priority would lie. The Dom in this scenario sounds a lot like Me. He responded quickly if there was an actual problem, but doesn't feel it necessary just to call and shoot the shit. The last thing I want to do when I'm dealing with something serious is to hang on the phone talking about trivial crap. I'm not the type to call and check in each night because frankly, I'm grown and I don't particularly care for anybody telling Me how frequently that I need to call them. Really, I wouldn't expect that person to contact when away any more frequently than you see each other when you are both local. If something serious is going on that is taking up a lot of time, it might even be less. I'd expect the person that has a job, kids, and a life to occupy themselves with those things while I was gone.

kalikshama -> RE: New 'part time' sub seeks advice (8/28/2012 11:44:20 AM)
<----- another daily contact person

LadyHibiscus -> RE: New 'part time' sub seeks advice (8/28/2012 11:47:59 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kalikshama <----- another daily contact person In these modern times of texting and email on the phone? You can check in. It's one of my relationship requirements. I don't need a lengthy convo, just a Hey, howsit, I'm okay. Do I like conversations? Yes. I'm not this way to add stress to someone's life. I need a lot of reassurance, and am happy to return it. It's a compatibility thing.

kalikshama -> RE: New 'part time' sub seeks advice (8/28/2012 11:57:43 AM)
Exactly!

LadyPact -> RE: New 'part time' sub seeks advice (8/28/2012 12:06:32 PM)
We'll have to be different on this one, Hib. I don't see the reason behind contacting someone more frequently just because of being out of town. If you're part time when at home, you're part time when away as well.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: New 'part time' sub seeks advice (8/28/2012 12:08:07 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact We'll have to be different on this one, Hib. I don't see the reason behind contacting someone more frequently just because of being out of town. If you're part time when at home, you're part time when away as well. I guess I don't do part time relationships!![:)] If I have a playmate, it's no big deal if we don't talk much. If I am in a capital-r Relationship, yeah, sucking up to the Hibster is part of the deal.

LadyPact -> RE: New 'part time' sub seeks advice (8/28/2012 12:18:55 PM)
We might not be as far apart on this after all....... The OP will have to come back and clarify exactly what "part time" means. To Me, part time could be anything from a few times a week to once or twice a month. Lots of folks attach those words Dom and sub to situations that really aren't anything more than casual dating. It just sounds a lot cooler to term them the BDSM way, no matter what the commitment level really is between the two. (Not that I blame folks for this. If I was fifty-five, I'd feel dumb as hell calling someone My boyfriend.) If I'm really only seeing someone somewhat infrequently, no matter what label I'm attaching to it, I'm probably not going to increase the frequency of contact during a time of stress that takes Me away from home. For practical reasons, I will let somebody know that I arrived safely. I'll contact them as time permits to the level that is appropriate for the relationship, and probably when I'm going to depart. If I only see that person a couple of times a week, that's probably what they can expect for contact from Me when I'm gone.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: New 'part time' sub seeks advice (8/28/2012 12:27:21 PM)
See, we're in the same camp! It's a middle age thing that I can't see people in real time every day. Hence TECHNOLOGY. Shoot, my playmates probably have no idea what I'm doing, and it's not anything I'd think to share with them. Which leads back to SexyRed's comment about why folks do NOT get the idea that we're not doing anything different or special.

kiwisub12 -> RE: New 'part time' sub seeks advice (8/28/2012 4:21:21 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact W If I was fifty-five, I'd feel dumb as hell calling someone My boyfriend.) which is why i call him my sweetie...... and OP, you can ask for anything you want. Its your right. Just as it is his right to not reply, and not call. I grew up in a family that didn't do "call when you get there", we assumed that if the cops didn't call, you were there safely. [:)] and when i was living with someone who wanted a call, it felt very constricting to me to have to do that. I didn't want to call when i was away - i was busy with family and friends. It didn't mean that i loved him less or cared less, it just meant that i wasn't in a head space to call him and be back there. (of course, i was out of the country so texting was out) Give the man the benefit of the doubt - or not. Make a decision and stand by it - or simply ask him if there is an issue you should know about, that you are getting bad vibes. You never know, he may start talking to you about what is going on.

lizi -> RE: New 'part time' sub seeks advice (8/28/2012 5:13:20 PM)
OP, it's hard to say what's going on since you're not with him and can't actually verify that he's with family and helping them out in some way. You either trust him or not. From the looks of your opening post, you don't seem to trust him- why is that? Does your lack of trust come from things he is doing that lead to you questioning him, or is it from issues on your part? In any case, this is how he does things, as the others have said you are free to ask that things be different to work better for you, and he is free to say that doesn't work for him. I will say that I've run into lack of contact problems with my Dominant, its an area that we don't match perfectly in. He needs less than I do. He cares about how I feel and tries to give me what I need, there are still times when I am uncomfortable because he's not always consistent. I don't think what I want is unreasonable, he doesn't think what he does is unreasonable, we have to work together and compromise on both of our parts to meet the other halfway. It's not an area of ease for us, we have friction there from time to time. Relationships are a work in progress for the most part, so we accept that there are things we do for the other that aren't our first choice for ourselves.

lkb0503 -> RE: New 'part time' sub seeks advice (8/28/2012 6:34:40 PM)
Clarification: My Dom and me are not in a boyfriend/girlfriend type 'relationship". He even has told me if I choose to 'date' or have 1 'lover', he is ok with that. Any time I text him when he goes out of state I ask how his Mom is or say I hope your Mom is ok. He always says" Mom is ok, I'm busy have lots going on" Even when he is local he hardly contacts me unless its about him coming over to "play". At the same time he demonstrates he cares about my well being, says it's his "job" to look out for me. We are 'part time' Dom/sub because we both have family, jobs, ect obligations that make it difficult to be anything other than part time. Since I am new to this I don't know what to expect or how a 'part time' Dom/ sub relationship works. I appreciate all the feedback/ answers.

UllrsIshtar -> RE: New 'part time' sub seeks advice (8/28/2012 6:41:15 PM)
You guys are fuckbuddies. You're a bootycall. Nothing wrong with that, lots of people have BDSM and vanilla relationships like that. I'm assuming you know how vanilla fuckbuddy/bootycall relationships work, treat what you have with him like that.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: New 'part time' sub seeks advice (8/28/2012 6:42:57 PM)
Yes, you have a relationship of HIS convenience.

kalikshama -> RE: New 'part time' sub seeks advice (8/28/2012 7:30:45 PM)
quote: At the same time he demonstrates he cares about my well being, says it's his "job" to look out for me. Pay attention to his actions rather than his words. quote: Since I am new to this I don't know what to expect or how a 'part time' Dom/ sub relationship works. Like a booty call with whips and chains. Sorry.

searching4mysir -> RE: New 'part time' sub seeks advice (8/28/2012 9:04:53 PM)
FR A fourth person saying you are his bootycall. If you are fine with you being an option in his life rather than a priority, then keep things as they are. If not, then walk. You do have choices in this.

JanahX -> RE: New 'part time' sub seeks advice (8/28/2012 9:16:29 PM)
He's lying. Sick mother - give me a break. He's got something else going on - you just need to figure out what her name is. Case solved.

graceadieu -> RE: New 'part time' sub seeks advice (8/28/2012 10:23:34 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven I have to say that if the reasons are not explained more clearly than "family issues", that WOULD be a red flag. I dunno, if I was casually sort-of-dating somebody for a couple months I don't know that I'd necessarily want to tell them all about my mom's intimate business. Especially if it was either something really painful (terminal illness, dementia) or something that people get judgemental about (drug addiction, prison, general crazy irresponsibility).

UllrsIshtar -> RE: New 'part time' sub seeks advice (8/28/2012 11:15:32 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: searching4mysir If you are fine with you being an option in his life rather than a priority, then keep things as they are. This bears repeating... You're an option in his life. Whether or not you are fine with that aside, it would not be a good move to make him your priority by depending on him to respond back to you when you need him.

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