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RE: Question for A/all - 6/12/2006 1:40:00 PM

MasterStoney442

Posts: 39
Joined: 8/23/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: litleone8620

I've heard a lot of answers to my questions, and yes, i have aksed a lot of questions, many of them repetitive (in my opinion anyway). And while i got a lot of great advice, some of it made me more confused.

I didn't realize that by asking questions about discipline/punishment etc, i was talking about power exchange. There is no power exchange between my partner and i, and even less communication.

I know communication is critical in any type of relationship, but maybe even more important in a D/s relationship. My problem with opening communication is how to even begin such a conversation. That, and i think i am going to have to end it with Him. I think maybe just scening is what He wants, and i am not being fulfilled in O/our relationship.

I think you need to go back and read Your original post girl... all of these reply's have you confused even more.

quote:

litleone8620

how can a Dominant/Master alleviate a slave/submissive second guessing their decision?

That has nothing to do with MOST of the reply's here. And I know you have been asking questions other than that 1st question. But as far as I am concerned the 1st one has not been answered as of yet. Once I understand exactly what is going on here I want to answer this.

rose442

_____________________________

when you look at life it looks back at you

(in reply to litleone8620)

Post #: 61

RE: Question for A/all - 6/12/2006 1:40:19 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie
You sound like my Master now.

Well I AM a switch :)

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 62

RE: Question for A/all - 6/12/2006 7:53:11 PM

litleone8620

Posts: 3669
Joined: 6/12/2006
Status: offline

what is it You need to know?

(in reply to MasterStoney442)

Post #: 63

RE: Question for A/all - 6/12/2006 8:42:07 PM

litleone8620

Posts: 3669
Joined: 6/12/2006
Status: offline

I have had an extensive talk with my Master, and it seems that lack of communication was the problem with O/our relationship. For those still interested (i doubt there's not many), it turned out He thought i was happy in just scening. Which i very obviously wasn't. W/we are going to continue O/our relationship, but W/we're going to slow down. He is going to set boundaries for me, so i know what is right and wrong.

But i still don't feel as if my original question has been answered. i'm not having any thoughts of second guessing myself, or my decision to be with my Master. i was just hoping to hear some answers to my original question.

(in reply to litleone8620)

Post #: 64

RE: Question for A/all - 6/12/2006 8:58:51 PM

reticence

Posts: 180
Joined: 2/28/2006
Status: offline

Littleone8620, I would certainly like to answer your question at least give you my opinion about it, but i am not sure i understand what you are asking.

Do you mean, for example, he is interested in a specific form of play and you are second-guessing his ability or skill?

Do you mean you are questioning whether his ability to make certain life decisions is any better or perhaps worse than your own?

(please know, i understand you are not specifically speaking of yourself, i used "you" generally)

In the first example, if you have any doubt, speak to your Master, ask questions, get reassured. If you have any doubt, it is encumbant upon you to keep yourself safe... bottom line

In the second case:
The only thing I can say, is that if a girl is second guessing her Master, perhaps there has not been enough trust built up. In my opinion, trust is built upon experience with that Master. A good track record of making sound decisions has been what has built trust with me. Keep in mind there is more than one way to get a job done.. Although His way might not be your way, it might still work, and perhaps better than your way. Sometimes, with some decisions,( that are not life or death important), it is wise to just shut up and let him do it his way...it is called letting go (smile) it was a hard lesson for me to learn, but I finally got it, I think.

quote:

ORIGINAL: litleone8620

how can a Dominant/Master alleviate a slave/submissive second guessing their decision?

(in reply to litleone8620)

Post #: 65

RE: Question for A/all - 6/12/2006 9:01:20 PM

Vancouver_cinful

Posts: 1911
Joined: 2/3/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: litleone8620
But i still don't feel as if my original question has been answered. i'm not having any thoughts of second guessing myself, or my decision to be with my Master. i was just hoping to hear some answers to my original question.

If you go back to the first few posts of this thread you'll see that several people stressed that trust is usually the issue when a sub second guesses a dom. All a dom can really do is take things slow, allow the sub to truly learn to trust over time.

When someone is new to being submissive it's pretty natural to second quess. Patience and time, and consistency (the dom must strive to be as consistent as possible), are the best ways to handle it.

By the way, second guessing is just your brain checking in to make sure everything is safe and good. It's not really a bad thing.

_____________________________

Cin

quote:

My Karma Account is huge, but I just can't seem to make a withdrawal!!

http://cinful.wordpress.com

(in reply to litleone8620)

Post #: 66

RE: Question for A/all - 6/12/2006 9:01:36 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

By making sure there is trust and security to start with- not just pretty words about trust and security.

By making sensible decisions.

By giving things time to show themselves to be true to the sub.

Ultimately, the only thing that will stop a slave from second guessing is the slave, but these are things a dom can do to help.

To the OP, This was the very first response to your post, and I believe it answered your question right off the bat.

It really boils down to trust. When you trust him to make good decisions, you won't second guess them. Master drilled that home with me. He can help foster that trust.

I am glad you worked things out. Typically lack of communication or miscommuinication is the culprit for most relationship problems. Best of luck to you.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 67

RE: Question for A/all - 6/12/2006 9:15:15 PM

litleone8620

Posts: 3669
Joined: 6/12/2006
Status: offline

somewhere along the way i thought second guessing myself is bad. that's why i was worried about doing it.

(in reply to Vancouver_cinful)

Post #: 68

RE: Question for A/all - 6/12/2006 9:16:44 PM

litleone8620

Posts: 3669
Joined: 6/12/2006
Status: offline

i went back and read LA's post, i noticed she answered my question fully. People just reiterated that answer.

Thank you for the well wishes.

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 69

RE: Question for A/all - 6/12/2006 9:21:51 PM

reticence

Posts: 180
Joined: 2/28/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: litleone8620

somewhere along the way i thought second guessing myself is bad. that's why i was worried about doing it.

At the risk of sounding all PC (smile) i am not sure labeling such behavior as "bad" serves any useful purpose. It is a red flag of sorts, something to which you need to pay attention. Communication, time in relationship, trust... are all things that alleviate the second guessing. In my opinion, when a certain threshold of trust has been established, you will see the frequency of the second guessing diminish. In the end, as LA said, it will be up to you to stop it.
Self discipline and self control are necessary attributes.

(in reply to litleone8620)

Post #: 70

RE: Question for A/all - 6/12/2006 9:23:45 PM

Vancouver_cinful

Posts: 1911
Joined: 2/3/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: litleone8620

somewhere along the way i thought second guessing myself is bad. that's why i was worried about doing it.

Hmmm...second guessing yourself, or second guessing your dominant? These aren't guite exactly the same issue. In your first post you were refering to second guessing decisions made by your dominant...

_____________________________

Cin

quote:

My Karma Account is huge, but I just can't seem to make a withdrawal!!

http://cinful.wordpress.com

(in reply to litleone8620)

Post #: 71

RE: Question for A/all - 6/12/2006 9:30:17 PM

litleone8620

Posts: 3669
Joined: 6/12/2006
Status: offline

i don't want to put sole blame at my Master's feet, but it was a little bit of both. i was second guessing my choice of dominant because He wasn't giving me what i wanted. But W/we've talked about that, and have it all figured out.

New question: is trust more important in a BDSM relationship than in a vanilla relationship?

(in reply to Vancouver_cinful)

Post #: 72

RE: Question for A/all - 6/12/2006 11:00:44 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: litleone8620

New question: is trust more important in a BDSM relationship than in a vanilla relationship?

You will get both yes and no answers to that question. Mine is a M/s relationship, which incorporates BDSM. Personally, I believe more trust is required because Master makes so many decisions for me, whereas in a "vanilla" relationship, I was the one in charge of myself (or tried to be). Master directs me in ways no one else has, so I must trust him to do so. I have to trust that when he requires me to perform the most excrutiating of tasks (physically and/or mentally/emotionally), that it is for my own best interest. What might not make any sense to me at the time, will make me stronger later. When he uses me physically, I have to trust he will not harm me, even unintentionally. He can be pretty intense with me, both physically and emotionally, and I must trust to a degree where I will follow without hesitation, because there is no doubt in my mind that he knows what he is doing.

None of these dynamics existed in my "vanilla" relationships. I have put my well being in my Master's hands. The degree of control he has over me makes me totally vulnerable to him, and at his mercy. So for me, yes, my relationship with him requires more trust than a "vanilla" one would.

(in reply to litleone8620)

Post #: 73

RE: Question for A/all - 6/12/2006 11:08:34 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

Oh, honey........I'm home...........

Hey! Guess what? I found this neat old blowtorch at the antique shop and I want to burn your ass alive with it, are you up for it honey?

What do you think?

(I know it is rather extreme, but I am a visions guy)

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to litleone8620)

Post #: 74

RE: Question for A/all - 6/12/2006 11:15:31 PM

litleone8620

Posts: 3669
Joined: 6/12/2006
Status: offline

Yes, it was rather extreme, but it got the point across.

And i thought i was pretty funny you used such an extreme example.

_____________________________

He who laughs last didn't get the joke

We have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart?

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 75

RE: Question for A/all - 6/12/2006 11:17:29 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

I ain't your AVERAGE motherfucker.

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to litleone8620)

Post #: 76

RE: Question for A/all - 6/12/2006 11:23:15 PM

ShreveportMaster

Posts: 899
Joined: 10/6/2004
From: Dallas, Tx
Status: offline

nope, He's a SPECIAL Motherfu*ker

_____________________________

"And to sooth the Bosk, there was found a Singing Cowboy. To soothe the Cowboy, a kajira is needed."

Riders of Gor
Book 37, Pg 298 ;-)

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 77

RE: Question for A/all - 6/12/2006 11:28:22 PM

litleone8620

Posts: 3669
Joined: 6/12/2006
Status: offline

So i've noticed in the responses he's given me to my thread. It makes for a more entertaining read.

_____________________________

He who laughs last didn't get the joke

We have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart?

(in reply to ShreveportMaster)

Post #: 78

RE: Question for A/all - 6/13/2006 12:23:28 AM

timeoutgurlie

Posts: 588
Joined: 3/21/2006
Status: offline

Only read the OP; when you can trust him, the doubts will fade. I'm finding that the more I get to know my partner on a deeper and deeper level, the less I second guess his decisions and the less I want to 'step in' on them. I do it when I feel I need to, but can see that with time, that need will cease to exist and I'll be able to trust that what he decides is what is right.

(in reply to darkinshadows)

Post #: 79

RE: Question for A/all - 6/13/2006 4:30:47 AM

twicehappy

Posts: 2706
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: litleone8620

what will 6 months do?

Six months is an arbitrary time frame, for some the trust is immediate, for some it takes years. As you are new to this i would say take your time and let it grow at it's own pace.

quote:

how can a Dominant/Master alleviate a slave/submissive second guessing their decision?

That is a hard one, i hate the word training but that is what it takes, and growth of trust. You need to reach the point where you let your guard down and open that last part of you that says" but i can decide such and such better for myself". At the same time your owner must prove to you he/she is worthy of that trust, it is a growth thing.

quote:

i think W/we have been together long enough to set boundaries, but it seems as if He is hesitant, and that is making me question Him.

You state you are new and checking your profile i also see you are young, if you do not mind me asking is your Master also fairly new at this? Are you collared yet? Of ten is the newness of the relationship and not that of the individuals involved.

In the beginning when you are learning each other or if you have not committed to full time service some owners may hesitate to set boundaries or punish when they are displeased. It also depends on what you view or seek by way of punishment. My owners need only tell me they are disappointed then sit back and watch me beat myself up for days.

quote:

yes i am a newbie, and unused to such intense emotions. i think i might just be a little overwhelmed.

It is this very intensity and heightened awareness of sensations including emotions that make this lifestyle so wonderful to so many of us.

quote:

i also have a problem with jealousy. Since i am a newbie, i've done a lot of research. i'm not sure if jealousy is forbidden or expected, or what? i suppose it depends on the Dominant.

You are right that it depends on the dom. Personally for me jealousy is a useless emotion, i can love and be loved with equal intensity by more than one at a time, but i am poly, not everybody is or wants to be.

You have been told repeatedly here to open communication and that is the best advice. If you are having trouble getting him to listen to you try a time honored tactic i use. Kneel at his feet when he is sitting down normally and not starting a play scene. Tell him i need you to hear me slave to Master, there are things we need to discuss, this usually helps both of you focus.

If you need to chat one on one feel free to email me.

_____________________________

Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations.

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to litleone8620)

Post #: 80

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