Missokyst
Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
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Kind of a rant I guess, but also a question.
I have been sort of tossing this around in my mind since the year 1999, and every now and then topics come up in various groups that have led to reinforce the knowlege that I came into BDSM in the bad, evil, wrong way. You know the patter... "We are normal, just like everyone else only kinky. We did not develop this interest from any sort of abuse, it is just who we are." This is always said defensively, largely I believe because until very recently BDSM was considered a mental disorder by the psychiatric community (DSM-IV).
When movies like "Secretary", "Nine & a Half Weeks", or even "Blue Velvet" came out there was a huge cry out of the community declaring that these depictions cast a negative view of practioners of BDSM because the movies show them to be crazy, nutcases who came to be that way due to mental, emotional, or physical abuse when growing up. When books like "The Story of O", "The Beauty Series", and now "50 Shades of Gray", are discussed I hear the same distaste of those books for the same reasons.
We are not like those damaged people!
Ok that's fine. I would say that many people did find out about BDSM in a clean wholesome way. Either by ferreting out their parents hidden stash of porn magazines, or discovering it on the Web, or introduced to it by a partner whose interest swung in a kinky direction. I am going to say that especially now, there are more people who have discovered their kinky side because there is MUCH greater access to it than there was when it was thrust upon me.
I came by this early on, sometimes innocently, sometimes marked by extreme events in my childhood. My gravitation toward becoming submissive was more due to it being the only option if I wanted affection. My being obedient had more to do with the disregard which was given as a result or not being the "example child", the one pointed to in pride because I would quietly draw or read on the porch as my cousins made raucous noise while playing in the yard. My natural inclination to prevent myself from being the best was my survival tactic for not having things taken from me. I learned to submit or figure my way around submitting when absolutely necessary. I became a masochist because if you are not allowed to cry, if you are not allowed to scream, if you are not allowed to yell at your mother about her statement that a victim of rape usually did something to make it happen, you are not allowed to voice those things.. those dirty things that people did without having things turned on you by words like, "well maybe you shouldn't have bothered those boys", Or smacked on the ass for wetting your pants when it was THEY who did that to you. When you have to keep in all the sad it WILL seek an outlet. Mine was pain.
So.. I came by BDSM in the bad, evil, wrong way. The way others point to as the sick way because of course it is not the way they were introduced to BDSM. And in 1999 when I began to find more and more people who had expressed interest in this kink but may or may not have tried it, even my friends, even those I spent some physical time with would say things like anyone who had such and such experience early in their lives must be too damaged to act like the rest of us, never knowing that the stories I wrote were all too real. And I was too ashamed to admit that I was different than they, and once again heard that old familar tune in my head, less than, wrong, bad, damaged, not good enough, despite the fact that I was beyond successful at that time in my life and had excelled in most things I tried.
I will say this about that. If it were not for people such as I; and those who came into this for centuries before me, would this non traditional way of engaging in physical, mental or emotional play would have spread so far and wide? I have learned to embrace at least this part of who I am and how I got here. Those kinky roots are buried deep, but they did stem from something in the days before the web made it trendy and available to all.
At least from my POV, this is perversion. And I embrace it. Do you embrace it regardless of how you got here?
_____________________________
pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil
“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley
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The wrong way - 
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