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RE: New Sub/Slave - 9/14/2012 1:37:01 PM   
Killerangel


Posts: 1169
Joined: 8/3/2010
Status: offline 		What matters more, your crotch or your marriage? Figure that out and you've got your answer.

(in reply to toto68)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: New Sub/Slave - 9/14/2012 1:38:19 PM   
nephandi


Posts: 4470
Joined: 9/23/2005
From: Cold and magickal Norway in a town near Bergen!
Status: offline 		Greetings

quote:

ok. so let me ask this.....should i supress my desires? i find the activities i have check-marked extremely erotic. I HAVE had lengthy open conversations w/my husband and it does not excite or interest him. he HAS tried, however I cannot get complete fulfillment due to the fact that I can tell he is uncomfortable and only doing something out of obligation. i will say it is wrong for me to seek my fulmillment outside my household...it is. but what else can i do? seriously supress this side of me?


The way I see it you have three choices.

Either you decide that your marriage and the trust of your husband is so important to you that yes you suppress your desires, people suppress their desires all the time, I really want a chocolate right now but since staying healthy is more important to me I ignore that desire. You can ignore you BDSM desired and be a good a truthful wife to your husband.

Your second choice is to talk with your husband, tell him how you feel and ask if you can get your sexual needs met somewhere else and also tell him about your affair. Perhaps your husband will accept your need and be okey with you having a Dom on the side, or perhaps he will not, but at least you will be honest, if you then find out that you can not live without fulfilling your BDSM desires and you husband will not let you have a Dom on the side you can leave him and at least end the relationship in a proper way.

Or your third option you can continue you cheat on your husband and live a lie.

I wish you well

_____________________________

Whatever you think you can do or believe you can do, begin it. Action has magic, grace and power in it.--Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Futon torpedoes, make love not war!--Aswad


(in reply to toto68)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: New Sub/Slave - 9/14/2012 1:45:45 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		You've talked to your husband, but have you *talked* to your husband? Does he understand that you have been opened up to this new whole new world of sexuality? B/c that genie is hard to put back into the bottle, I will grant you that.

Does he know you are cheating?

Unless and until your husband actually knows what's going on, you can't really say you've talked to him to the extent I think you need to.

If he knew it was cheat or else, he might change his mind on trying some things, you know.

_____________________________



(in reply to nephandi)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: New Sub/Slave - 9/14/2012 1:54:54 PM   
toto68


Posts: 16
Joined: 9/10/2012
Status: offline 		so not looking for condonement. let's get past that and move to your suggestions OsideGirl which I would like to do. How do I approach the conversation regarding "opening our marriage up to me playing w/someone else". just say THAT? i'm being very serious on this question and looking for guidance for the approach so he doesn't just fall off his chair.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: New Sub/Slave - 9/14/2012 1:58:54 PM   
toto68


Posts: 16
Joined: 9/10/2012
Status: offline 		so not looking for condonement. let's get past that and move to your suggestions OsideGirl which I would like to do. How do I approach the conversation regarding "opening our marriage up to me playing w/someone else". just say THAT? i'm being very serious on this question and looking for guidance for the approach so he doesn't just fall off his chair.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: New Sub/Slave - 9/14/2012 2:05:11 PM   
nephandi


Posts: 4470
Joined: 9/23/2005
From: Cold and magickal Norway in a town near Bergen!
Status: offline 		Greetings

My advice would be to just lay the cards on the table. Tell your husband how you feel, that you need to express this part of you. Tell him that you have been playing with someone else, ask him if he will allow you to have a play partner, be honest, tell your husband how you really feel and hold nothing back, perhaps he will fall out of the chair, perhaps not but I think he will appreciate you being honest.

I wish you well

_____________________________

Whatever you think you can do or believe you can do, begin it. Action has magic, grace and power in it.--Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Futon torpedoes, make love not war!--Aswad


(in reply to toto68)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: New Sub/Slave - 9/14/2012 2:09:56 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		Pretty much like that. I wouldn't start with that as the opening line, but that's pretty much the gist. Start by giving him the opportunity to fulfill the role himself, if he's still unwilling, respectfully ask if he would allow someone else to fulfill that role.

I'm also going to advise you that if he agrees, do not refer to the second man as Master and yourself as his slave since that infers that he is more important than your husband and that he has more control over your life (and by extension your husband's life too) than your husband does.

I would also advise being very clear on the ground rules for the man outside of your marriage because typically what ends up happening is a power struggle between the two men.

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 9/14/2012 2:10:58 PM >

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to toto68)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: New Sub/Slave - 9/14/2012 2:22:21 PM   
SeeksYourService


Posts: 6
Joined: 3/10/2008
Status: offline 		" Well it depends what your Master is looking for in a sub. There is no definitive way to be a sub, what works in my relationship wont be right for you, and vice versa.
Begin with lots of communication. Talk about your wishes, interests and concerns. Discuss what went well, what didn't, what you should try next....."

CARVE THAT INTO A STEEL SIGN.

Not sure if you are following the post but there is NO ONE WAY... regardless of what course you took as Mrs hey I can make money doing this summer camp or munchie you go to. It all is between you and your Dom.

Currently you have a Husband who is your Dom if you really want a crash course in making things work and how to find out how to be a good submissive, ask your husband go to him and explain again, how it makes you feel, not the visual or the easy stuff.. ie you like to be tied.. but why what does it do do you how does it work.

Of course because you are not mine what I am saying isn't really to to make it work, but your Husband should at least be told, you owe him that much. There are some "Domestic Discipline" groups out there that blend Christianity with paddling. (sort of I love Lucy, coupled with Father Knows Best sprinkled with spankings and rules) Perhaps that can help.

Im not trying to be a sharp shooter, just I understand. It may be that he hasn't come to terms with his desires to spank as well. Its a hard thing for some of us at the first.. .and wonderful when we can find someone who likes what we like.

All of which may or may not make sense. If your Dom is married and his partner doesn't know then he truly is not taking care of his first responsibility. I have messed up enough along the way to promise you that unless things are open, clear and fully understood the end result of deceit is a worthless husk.

If your husband wants to talk you can send me an email, and I would be ok talking with him. Good luck, I hope things work out for you.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: New Sub/Slave - 9/14/2012 2:31:54 PM   
toto68


Posts: 16
Joined: 9/10/2012
Status: offline 		thank you most everyone for being respectful. i'm really struggling and have no idea where to begin. i DO seek counseling on my own, husband not willing to participate or willing to seek his own therapist. i go to therapy for life in general and getting things off my chest rather than airing my dirty laundry to my circle of friends. i truly would like my husband to experience this journey with me and he is very close-minded when it comes to these discussions. only response i get is, "i just don't get it". it makes me feel embarrassed and ashamed that i even brought it up. i don't want to be made to feel ashamed of sexual desires i have. again, that u MOST for being so respectful and i will get this resolved soon.

(in reply to SeeksYourService)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: New Sub/Slave - 9/14/2012 2:34:20 PM   
SeeksYourService


Posts: 6
Joined: 3/10/2008
Status: offline 		If you are looking for help explaining not as much the kink side but more the control and direction side try reading a short article --> http://www.enslavement.org.uk/yld-healthy

Make some notes about how it makes you feel then ask your husband to read this to understand you. The key if you want to keep him is that he understands its HIS control that you want. The feeling that a smart, strong and wonderful woman is desiring of MY control, to be MINE, is what works for me. Many have better words for this but in the heart of every relationship a Dom works with his submissive/slave/girl/_____ to make her perfect for him. ( pygmalion like you become his idea of perfection... which is why the wonderful advice from one who is a submissive like you is so vital to understand)

Its knowing that she enjoys being molded as much as he enjoys molding that makes it really work. There needs to be trust for this so start simple and hopefully it works out. If not understand that being a submissive on the side is a common occurrence, talk to some of your fellow submissive and see how that worked out.

You might also try a relationship where you bifurcate your sexuality, give your husband what he wants from you and then keep the BDSM play to the mental/physical without sexual aspects if that would work for your husband?

I have seen some successful and not so successful attempts at that...even with the truth its hard, as you are telling him that he is not "enough" for you.


(in reply to SeeksYourService)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: New Sub/Slave - 9/14/2012 2:39:00 PM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

Pretty much like that. I wouldn't start with that as the opening line, but that's pretty much the gist. Start by giving him the opportunity to fulfill the role himself, if he's still unwilling, respectfully ask if he would allow someone else to fulfill that role.

I'm also going to advise you that if he agrees, do not refer to the second man as Master and yourself as his slave since that infers that he is more important than your husband and that he has more control over your life (and by extension your husband's life too) than your husband does.

I would also advise being very clear on the ground rules for the man outside of your marriage because typically what ends up happening is a power struggle between the two men.


This is really sound advice.

If you've never brought up the idea of including another person before, it might well make your husband feel very insecure. After all, no one likes to hear their spouse saying that you can't meet their needs, even if they know deep down that it is true.

Really clear ground rules will be important. You should expect to compromise. A new sexy relationship is exciting and can easily take over your whole attention and you do not want to give your husband the impression that you are putting these needs above everything else in your marriage. I agree that referring to the other man as Master might give that impression. It would be a good idea to hash out how much time you would spend with this other person, what kind of contact you would have (would sex be allowed?) and if there is some kind of power exchange already present with your husband, which of them has the final say when it comes down to orders and such. And then stick to it. No bending the rules. Trust will be so important here.

You might also think about other types of compromise with your husband. What about attending a play party and getting tied up/beaten there, and going home and having sex with your husband? It sounds like you already submit outside the bedroom and just want a bit of kink. What are his fantasies? Can you do some kind of fair exchange? I know it doesn't sound as much fun as having a dom, but I'd be wanting to try everything before potentially risking my marriage.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: New Sub/Slave - 9/14/2012 4:13:02 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		You actually think you have a better chance of talking your husband into letting you have another lover, one that you have been cheating with, than talking him into dominating you? Really?

Excuse me, it's my opinion that you don't know very much about men if you think that.

I understand your husband may not be able to dom you in the way you want. If he really knew what was going on, he'd have motivation. I can't help but think you've latched onto this idea of getting his permission as to way to keep your cheating secret. Ain't gonna happen, but good luck with the trying.

Since you haven't responded to me I assume you think I wish you ill will. Nothing could be further from the truth. It's just there is no reason to keep hiding the truth from yourself or your husband. You two need a good talk about what is really going on, the sooner, the better.

Eventually the truth will come out. Best it come from you early on.

< Message edited by ChatteParfaitt -- 9/14/2012 4:14:27 PM >

_____________________________



(in reply to toto68)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: New Sub/Slave - 9/14/2012 4:19:24 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		So, OP...... If your hubby is out screwing somebody for the vanilla sex that he probably craves, is that part ok with you? Does it matter if he tells you or not? If somebody else is giving him the best orgasms of his life because it's the kind of sex that HE wants, is that cool?

I will never, EVER understand why people think their cheating, deception, and all of the other under handed shit they are doing is justified because they have "desires" or because they are calling it BDSM. It's not only a cop out, it's fucking cowardly.

See, somebody with balls would walk up to their spouse, talk about their desires, and ask the best way for EVERYBODY to be happy. Not this selfish, self-centered stuff that so many people come to these boards asking about. Anything else is just letting your pussy rule you.

If your desires are more important than your husband, divorce him and let him have the life that he wants rather than you having your cake and eating it too, leaving him nothing but the crumbs. If your husband is more important, than at least give the guy some credit and talk to him. Get the book "When Someone You Love is Kinky" and see if there is some middle ground.

I hope to God, if nothing else, you are practicing safe sex so your husband doesn't end up with a gift that keeps on giving.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: New Sub/Slave - 9/14/2012 4:31:14 PM   
toto68


Posts: 16
Joined: 9/10/2012
Status: offline 		wow. i wasn't looking to continue to hide what i'm doing. i was going to go forward and be honest, explain as all has been given, including the fact i strayed. so assumpitve. i'm done. thanks for the kind advice from some and not so kind from others. ciao.

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: New Sub/Slave - 9/14/2012 4:41:22 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: toto68

wow. i wasn't looking to continue to hide what i'm doing. i was going to go forward and be honest, explain as all has been given, including the fact i strayed. so assumpitve. i'm done. thanks for the kind advice from some and not so kind from others. ciao.



Righty oh.

That's why you made that clear in your beginning post.

You take care now.

_____________________________



(in reply to toto68)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: New Sub/Slave - 9/14/2012 4:41:33 PM   
peppermint


Posts: 5170
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline 		You are the second woman this week who came to the boards trying to convince others to agree that is is okay for some women (especially YOU) to have an affair. Adding a BDSM touch to it does not matter. You are asking us, complete strangers, to agree with your choice to get it on with some guy who is also cheating on his spouse. It's called...cheating. It contains elements of lying. It has a smattering of dishonesty. It has a whole heap of being self centered.

Do you think you are the only person in the world to have these desires? Do you really think your desires are so special that we will all see your point of view and agree that you have every right to cheat? Many of us have faced the same situation.

You do as you please, but don't think online strangers are going to applaud you for your choice. We made our own choices. Some of us felt that we owed something to the spouse. That something included loyalty and keeping the promises we made. Instead of being genital submissives to a horny cheating "Dom" many took the road to being service submissives. They serve their families and get "off" on that service. They wake up in the morning and have nothing to hide from the mirror.

I know of several married women who have Doms. Their husbands know and approve of the arrangements. So, have that talk with your husband. Ask if you can have a piece on the side. If you don't ask you will never know. He might even be happy to turn over sexually satisfying you to someone else.

_____________________________

We are stardust, we are golden, and we got to get ourselves back to the garden.

Yes, I am crazy about feathered creatures. I have a dozen chickens, 3 ducks, 5 geese, and 2 parakeets.

Revise that number. Just got 14 new chicks and 5 turkeys.

(in reply to toto68)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: New Sub/Slave - 9/14/2012 4:52:22 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: toto68

wow. i wasn't looking to continue to hide what i'm doing. i was going to go forward and be honest, explain as all has been given, including the fact i strayed. so assumpitve. i'm done. thanks for the kind advice from some and not so kind from others. ciao.
That bruised ego that you got because some folks on the internet called you on your crap is going to be NOTHING compared to the anguish your husband is going to feel because of the betrayal. I hope you remember that.



_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to toto68)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: New Sub/Slave - 9/14/2012 4:54:55 PM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		In a perfect world, you could give your spouse everything he wants and needs and he could do the same for you. This isn't a lifestyle; it's life. There are no pillars of anything to be built upon, unless you choose to build something yourself. For instance, some people would say marriage is built on trust, some on honesty, some on fidelity, some on love. It's what they make of it.

In my view, dominance and submission are not activites, but sexual orientations. Can you deny your sexual orientation and live a fulfilling life? I suppose you can. I wouldn't want to. Can your husband role-play being a dominant? I suppose he could, but he likely wouldn't be able to keep it going for any length of time.

Only you truly know your husband and yourself. Take what people say, consider all the viewpoints, then do what you believe is best for you and your husband. There really are people that, deep down, know what's going on in their relationship and choose to pretend they don't know. It lets them have the life they want, whereas, if it was revealed, they would feel they would have to do something about it.

Cali





_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: New Sub/Slave - 9/14/2012 4:55:01 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		I'm glad I'm not the only one with the cheating hot button. Sneaking around on a spouse bothers me like nothing else.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]



(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: New Sub/Slave - 9/14/2012 4:58:57 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

I'm glad I'm not the only one with the cheating hot button. Sneaking around on a spouse bothers me like nothing else.
I tend to believe that most poly folks have that in common, Hib.



_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
Profile   Post #: 40
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