Alecta
Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
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quote:
ORIGINAL: chatterbox24
If you look at her first post she wasnt looking for anyone to validate her cheating, she was asking how to be a good sub to her dom. Her dom obviously knows she is married, and he has also said he is married. It was others who made this all about cheating, not the poster.
I disagree. She got suggestions and advice on all counts she asked about, but she latched onto the subject of cheating and responded to that instead of the other stuff. Obviously this was heavier on her mind than how to be a good sub. Otherwise, why didn't she further the discussion on being a good sub, instead choosing to pick at things that could have been construed as moral judgements?
quote:
Strictly vanilla old fashion men are not going to understand her position, and telling him just might get her hurt.
Hurt how? Beaten up? Or "hurt" because he can't read her mind or isn't interested in the same things she is?
I'm not entirely sure either is a particularly bad thing on a broad spectrum. She likes rough, it seems, and I'm guessing he doesn't want to rough her up and treat her like dirt. Being beaten could be a happy thing. Or they get the message through that there really is a big part missing that is so very important to her and he helps her find it elsewhere either by personally enabling/facilitating or divorce (which would make her a free agent to find the perfect guy for her).
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I am curious, cheating seems to always be mentioned about hurting children, but its ok to be poly and children see others sleeping together and this is ok? Doesnt affect them or confuse them at all? Seems consensual cheating is ok though, cause basically that is what poly is. ANd consent just seems to make everything ok in all ways? All it really does is make cheating guilt free.
The thing about cheating is, once it's consensual, it's no longer cheating.... I have to add except to those with a cheating/cuckold fetish, but that's just their fantasy. We don't give a toss where you stick your privates and get your spankings, it's where your head is at that people around here object to when it comes to the subject of cheating.
Clearly you have a great misunderstanding about what poly is. YOU think it's just a situation where one person gets to have many partners and the other partners put up with it in various stages of tolerance or denial, and you're not alone. But what that is isn't what poly actually is, it's what happens when bullshitters find a useful little known word to throw around to justify their bad behaviour.
In a poly relationship, all parties have a relationship of some kind with each other and are aware and approving of the relationships between each other. Not necessarily equal, but it is a key element that many seem to miss. How children perceive a relationship has a lot to do as well with how you present yourselves to the children.
In a poly relationship, and you don't seem to understand this, all partners are involved in the relationship. Take LadyPact's house, for example. clip and MP are "brothers" in that they love the same woman and make it their common goal to make her happy. MP is not involved in clip and LadyPact's BDSM interactions (please correct me if I'm wrong), and he's not "best friends" with clip, but that doesn't make him less involved in the RELATIONSHIP, which isn't just about sex or D/s or obedience so much as caring about someone other than yourself and wanting to see them happy. In another example of a type of poly, you have KnightofMists' household, in which the girls love each other just as much as they love him.
Poly is NOT where one person fucks several people at once who all know he/she is seeing several other people at once. Poly only occurs when all the people involved in that little network are happy to accept it and have relationships with each other, whether it's as casual friends or more involved lovers. If these two conditions are not met, it is not poly.
And I guess on reflection it is our own faults for letting people get away with borrowing our words and putting faulty definitions to it. We let it slide because of the "your kink is not my kink" and "say no to pedantics" protocols. *shrug* oh well.
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Honesty doesnt make everything right. We talk about self control and all this, but basically if you have another partner, honest or not honest, the alpha partner no matter who they are, are not satisfying the needs completely and a third is brought in. The "CHeaters" are told to have self restraint, be a martyr, respect etc.
You also misunderstand about honesty. It's not that honesty makes everything right, it doesn't. It's that it is impossible to help someone who is not honest with themselves and those trying to help them. It is that honesty is our last and only defence in this lifestyle between doing what we do and abuse. Consent is everything, because without consent, it is abuse. Honesty is key because without it, everything is a lie. For example, you trusted your ex-Master, you took it on face value upon meeting him that he told nothing but the truth about himself, and you got used and abused and it screwed up your life for a while. Well, that's kind of what happens when you meet someone who's dishonest and honestly, you got off pretty light. Surely you understand why then we value honesty so much?
But once we start valuing something, we have to treat all aspects of it equally or we're just being hypocritical. So we expect honesty in all things, whether it is about your relationship status, or your intentions with a partner or lifestyle.
When we talk about honesty in marriages, no we don't expect being honest with your partner will always yield the best results. What we expect is that in upholding the honesty you see and understand the consequences of your wants, face those consequences, should the occasion come to that, and be truly aware and understanding of what you're doing. None of that "well I didn't know it was going to hurt him" excuses, we're adults with big boy and girl pants. What we HOPE with being honest to your partners is for that happy chance and coincidence where they could become what you want or need or somehow provide it, if they only knew.
Old fashioned married subs are a bit heavy against cheating outside of one's relationship at all because their husbands ARE their Masters. Because the issue isn't about "Getting itches scratched elsewhere", it is about disobeying and disrespecting Master. In a committed D/s relationship, Master's word is all. If Master wants pot roast for dinner, there is no reason for you to serve steak. If Master does not approve of Coronation Street being watched, you don't watch it. There are only two options for them with their husband/Master, obey or leave.
From a more liberal perspective, it's more about choices and priorities and playing fair with the lives of others. If you're not giving a relationship your all and fair share and don't intend to, why on earth are you holding up the other person's life? And why wouldn't you give someone whom you've pledged "for better or worse 'til death do us part" a chance or six to measure up and work things out with you? And if you have dependent, have you honestly and fairly, and most importantly subjectively considered the impact on their lives and the consequences of you satisfying your wants? We are kindda against sacrificing others for our own fleeting selfish wants, if only because the minute that becomes ok, all bets are off and you really don't want to be in a world where we're all just allowed to do whatever we want, damn the consequences.
And you know what, we're human. It is very very hard to look at someone who puts personal selfishness over responsibilities and think "oh that's alright then", and especially so when we know what the consequences that person is ignoring are, so yea, it's kindda hard to be supportive of childish brat behaviour, especially in grown-ups.
It's really all condensed in one little phrase: BDSM is not an excuse for behaving badly.
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