Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: New Sub/Slave


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: New Sub/Slave Page: <<   < prev  1 2 [3] 4 5   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: New Sub/Slave - 9/14/2012 5:12:41 PM   
SlipSlidingAway


Posts: 223
Joined: 11/24/2006
Status: offline 		I feel for the OP, I really do.  I could easily find myself in her position- if I could lie to myself and completely block out what I know it would do to my husband and kids.   But, if it gets to the point where it's THAT important to me?  Better that I end the marriage first, make a legit break of things and deal with the pain and the hurt as compassionately and truthfully as I can. 

If being submissive means so much to me?  I exercise self control until I can get to that place where it's no longer cheating and breaking promises/vows.  If I can't control myself until such a time?  What would it say about me as a person?  Or as a submissive?  A submissive who HAS to act on her own desires regardless of the consequences is not going to be much good to her dom if her desires and his eventually butt heads. 

People are always telling doms to learn to learn self control before they consider controlling another.  I personally think it's sound advice for both sides of the kneel.  If a submissive can't exercise self control, chances are any sort of control is going to be an issue in a less than ideal situation.

Just my two itty bitty cents...

< Message edited by SlipSlidingAway -- 9/14/2012 5:13:19 PM >

_____________________________

"...ethical behavior should be based...on sympathy, education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death. " —Albert Einstein

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: New Sub/Slave - 9/14/2012 5:15:09 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		Yeah, the dishonesty that has to be involved in cheating just gets to me. I've done many things in my life I'm not proud of, that's not one of them.

I tend to agree this lady's hubby probably can't dom her the way she needs. But hell, doesn't he get the chance to try? Doesn't he at least get the opportunity to know what's going on with her life AND his?

She's calling all the shots, and he doesn't even know half the story. That is not honor and respect to a spouse to me, but hey, what do I know? I'm an old fogey with old fashioned standards.

_____________________________



(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: New Sub/Slave - 9/14/2012 5:19:46 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

Yeah, the dishonesty that has to be involved in cheating just gets to me.


I agree. People never think about what it does to the spouse when it comes out.


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: New Sub/Slave - 9/14/2012 5:27:03 PM   
peppermint


Posts: 5170
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

I'm glad I'm not the only one with the cheating hot button. Sneaking around on a spouse bothers me like nothing else.
[/quote


I realize that some people cheat. It's really none of my business. However, why in the hell do they keep coming here and and try to make us tell them it's okay to cheat? Apparently they are not okay with it and need online strangers to validate their position. Then they get all huffy when others point out that they are cheating. I don't get it.

_____________________________

We are stardust, we are golden, and we got to get ourselves back to the garden.

Yes, I am crazy about feathered creatures. I have a dozen chickens, 3 ducks, 5 geese, and 2 parakeets.

Revise that number. Just got 14 new chicks and 5 turkeys.

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: New Sub/Slave - 9/14/2012 5:27:58 PM   
nephandi


Posts: 4470
Joined: 9/23/2005
From: Cold and magickal Norway in a town near Bergen!
Status: offline 		Greetings

quote:

thank you most everyone for being respectful. i'm really struggling and have no idea where to begin. i DO seek counseling on my own, husband not willing to participate or willing to seek his own therapist. i go to therapy for life in general and getting things off my chest rather than airing my dirty laundry to my circle of friends. i truly would like my husband to experience this journey with me and he is very close-minded when it comes to these discussions. only response i get is, "i just don't get it". it makes me feel embarrassed and ashamed that i even brought it up. i don't want to be made to feel ashamed of sexual desires i have. again, that u MOST for being so respectful and i will get this resolved soon.


You have to make a decision here, what is most important to you, kink or your marriage? If you continue cheating sooner or later your husband will most likely find out and that will most likely be the end of your marriage in addition to hurting him allot. Do you love your husband? Do you respect him? Then you have to decide, if he is not willing to meet you half way, talk about this or let you have a play partner than that is something you have to accept, that is the way your husband is, and then you have to choose, do you want to sacrifice your kink and dedicate yourself to your husband, or is your kink so important to you that you should leave your husband. The problem is that you are trying to have your cake and eat it to and that can only lead to everyone involved getting hurt.

Be Well

_____________________________

Whatever you think you can do or believe you can do, begin it. Action has magic, grace and power in it.--Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Futon torpedoes, make love not war!--Aswad


(in reply to toto68)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: New Sub/Slave - 9/14/2012 5:35:15 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: toto68

ok. so let me ask this.....should i supress my desires? i find the activities i have check-marked extremely erotic. I HAVE had lengthy open conversations w/my husband and it does not excite or interest him. he HAS tried, however I cannot get complete fulfillment due to the fact that I can tell he is uncomfortable and only doing something out of obligation. i will say it is wrong for me to seek my fulmillment outside my household...it is. but what else can i do? seriously supress this side of me?


When I started to answer this post I had another answer in mind but then I looked at the "Loves" list on your profile. You love hairpulling and spanking but he's uninterested?

What I was going to say that if you tell him you want to be flogged but he has no clue how to go about it, that would be rather offputting. In that case I would suggest getting "Screw the Roses; Send me the Thorns" and study the chart on what areas to hit how hard, checking out instructional videos, or best of all going to a demo at a BDSM event. My (now ex) husband and I did all things things when we were noobs. He also picked up a mentor in our local BDSM community. I used to show my hubby pics in "Screw the Roses; Send me the Thorns" and say "This looks like fun" and let him take it from there.

But if I am correct that your husband is not even interested in hairpulling and spanking, I doubt you will be able to coax him to an event. What about talking him into an open relationship - he gets to get some strange too?




_____________________________

Curious about the "Sluts Vote" avatars? See http://www.collarchat.com/m_4133036/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#4133036

(in reply to toto68)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: New Sub/Slave - 9/14/2012 5:41:55 PM   
Killerangel


Posts: 1169
Joined: 8/3/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: toto68

wow. i wasn't looking to continue to hide what i'm doing. i was going to go forward and be honest, explain as all has been given, including the fact i strayed. so assumpitve. i'm done. thanks for the kind advice from some and not so kind from others. ciao.



Come on, your beginning post said you wanted to be an excellent slave to your Master. Nothing was said later definitively about being honest with your husband- you were looking for ways to present it to him but never said you were coming clean. If there was a change in there you can't expect people to read your mind. You also state multiple times that you have desires that you find very addictive and erotic; you keep trying to say that you should be indulged in fulfilling these desires, but stop short of that and instead keep asking if you should suppress them. People pretty much keep saying yes, suppress them, unless your husband is on board. They keep trying to explain what you may lose.

It's almost as though you feel the people here are supposed to either give you the go ahead to cheat, or provide you with a script to give to your husband that will allow you to fuck someone else. It's not our responsibility to give you what you want, which seems to be a theme with you - the idea that you should have what you want. What everyone is saying is that kink does't give out special privileges that bypass being a decent moral human. Do whatever you like, but don't expect a crowd of strangers to be invested enough in you to call what you are doing something else because it suits you better.

A couple of things.
How about asking your therapist how to present things to him or is this something you couldn't bring up to him/her? If so, why?

Why do you keep persisting in thinking that BDSM somehow legitimizes things? It's odd how you seem to persist in thinking that there is magic here somewhere in kink that will make things work out for you. Even when asking the posters what to say to your husband, it's almost as though you think there is something inherent that would help you present things in such a way that your husband would magically bypass the feeling of being slammed into a brick wall and grant you your wish.

Is this the first time you've cheated? I have to say, it doesn't seem like it. You seem to be well versed in bypassing your marriage vows in favor of indulging your needs. Really seems as though you're not too good at not putting yourself first.

(in reply to toto68)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: New Sub/Slave - 9/14/2012 5:44:30 PM   
tsatske


Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline 		You say you have a 1950s style marriage and that you enjoy serving. I think the reason your hubby will not go to counselling with you is simple, from his point of view, nothing is broken. You need to sit down and let him know - something is broken! While I can't decide for you rather to come clean about the affiar - stopping without ever mentioning it will leave you racked with guilt but is not always best for the marriage - I can say that you have to get through to him that this is not working to such an extreme state that if he doesn't help you fix it, the marriage will probably end. That is what he must understand.

As to surpressing your desires, well, unfortunatly, yes. I have had theese fantasies since I was a wee little girl. But my first dear husband was pure vanilla, and not even french vanilla. He tried spanking me maybe twice, but it made him very uncomfortable. I never cheated on him. I never ran around, and I didn't leave him. I just had unfulfilled fantasies. So, I guess, that's what I did, supress certain desires for the good of an otherwise excellent marriage which gave me four beautiful children. I have to tell you, it was worth it.

_____________________________

“If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good”
~Dr. Seuss quote

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: New Sub/Slave - 9/14/2012 10:17:17 PM   
yourdarkdesire


Posts: 4477
Joined: 10/2/2008
From: NeverNeverLand
Status: offline 		I can tell the OP with all honesty, that this is going to come back and bite her. I am ashamed to admit it, but I have cheated on my husband. I had a six month affair. It ended, and for the next several months I was in emotional agony. I ended up confessing to him. It was a really rough ride, but we are stronger than ever now. It was only after this I became aware of the submissive inside me. We tried playing. We talked alot. He is not comfortable with this world. And, while he is not submissive, he is the least domly person you would ever meet. My desires and fantasies remain exactly that. I don't play. My husband and children are more important than my need to be tied up and blind folded.

_____________________________

President, ProSubsRUs

(in reply to tsatske)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: New Sub/Slave - 9/15/2012 1:55:01 AM   
Alecta


Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: peppermint

I realize that some people cheat. It's really none of my business. However, why in the hell do they keep coming here and and try to make us tell them it's okay to cheat? Apparently they are not okay with it and need online strangers to validate their position. Then they get all huffy when others point out that they are cheating. I don't get it.


Because unfortunately to the vast majority of the biblebelt public, we are the immoral hedonists, for all we appear to have the strictest rules and codes amongst ourselves than most modern society (gawd we're such Neanderthal throwbacks!) which I suppose makes it worse when we tell them they're out of line since we supposedly live on a very loose line?

(in reply to peppermint)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: New Sub/Slave - 9/15/2012 5:55:55 AM   
chatterbox24


Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: peppermint




quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

I'm glad I'm not the only one with the cheating hot button. Sneaking around on a spouse bothers me like nothing else.
[/quote


I realize that some people cheat. It's really none of my business. However, why in the hell do they keep coming here and and try to make us tell them it's okay to cheat? Apparently they are not okay with it and need online strangers to validate their position. Then they get all huffy when others point out that they are cheating. I don't get it.


If you look at her first post she wasnt looking for anyone to validate her cheating, she was asking how to be a good sub to her dom. Her dom obviously knows she is married, and he has also said he is married. It was others who made this all about cheating, not the poster.
In stead she got preached too about how immoral she is. Strictly vanilla old fashion men are not going to understand her position, and telling him just might get her hurt. I am curious, cheating seems to always be mentioned about hurting children, but its ok to be poly and children see others sleeping together and this is ok? Doesnt affect them or confuse them at all? Seems consensual cheating is ok though, cause basically that is what poly is. ANd consent just seems to make everything ok in all ways? All it really does is make cheating guilt free.

(in reply to peppermint)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: New Sub/Slave - 9/15/2012 6:14:44 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chatterbox24

If you look at her first post she wasnt looking for anyone to validate her cheating, she was asking how to be a good sub to her dom. Her dom obviously knows she is married, and he has also said he is married. It was others who made this all about cheating, not the poster.
In stead she got preached too about how immoral she is. Strictly vanilla old fashion men are not going to understand her position, and telling him just might get her hurt. I am curious, cheating seems to always be mentioned about hurting children, but its ok to be poly and children see others sleeping together and this is ok? Doesnt affect them or confuse them at all? Seems consensual cheating is ok though, cause basically that is what poly is. ANd consent just seems to make everything ok in all ways? All it really does is make cheating guilt free.



A child in a functional poly household sees multiple adults who love and care for each other, and treat each other well. Who gets in whose beds at the end of the night is pretty much irrelevant. Sure there may be some questions as they get older but that doesn't mean it can't be a secure and stable home.

Children get hurt by cheating because they are seeing the adults in their lives lie to each other, hurt each other and not demonstrate respect. Again, nothing to do with who has sex with who, everything to do with dishonesty and treating each other poorly. It hurts the kids in the same way growing up in any dysfunctional family hurts them, by removing the stability and bringing in unnecessary emotional upheaval.

Some poly households are dysfunctional too, of course. But if I died and my kid was going to be adopted, I'd rather she went to a loving functional poly home than a normal-on-the-surface home with the parents cheating on each other.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to chatterbox24)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: New Sub/Slave - 9/15/2012 6:15:31 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		Consensual cheating? Is that like consensual rape?

Cheating means you are NOT being honest. You are LYING, to yourself and your spouse about what you are doing. Cheating is all about dishonesty. It's why many here will never condone it.

Poly means you tell the truth to everyone involved. People who do poly right (by that I mean are successful at it) are the most honorable and trustworthy people you could ever hope to meet. They understand the importance of being honest, b/c that's the only way poly works. They would never dream of cheating.





< Message edited by ChatteParfaitt -- 9/15/2012 6:33:34 AM >

_____________________________



(in reply to chatterbox24)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: New Sub/Slave - 9/15/2012 6:24:44 AM   
nephandi


Posts: 4470
Joined: 9/23/2005
From: Cold and magickal Norway in a town near Bergen!
Status: offline 		Greetings

quote:

If you look at her first post she wasnt looking for anyone to validate her cheating, she was asking how to be a good sub to her dom. Her dom obviously knows she is married, and he has also said he is married. It was others who made this all about cheating, not the poster.
In stead she got preached too about how immoral she is. Strictly vanilla old fashion men are not going to understand her position, and telling him just might get her hurt. I am curious, cheating seems to always be mentioned about hurting children, but its ok to be poly and children see others sleeping together and this is ok? Doesnt affect them or confuse them at all? Seems consensual cheating is ok though, cause basically that is what poly is. ANd consent just seems to make everything ok in all ways? All it really does is make cheating guilt free.


The OP asked for advice on how to be a better sub and several of us have said that the first step is to become an honest sub and then build from there instead of basing everything on a lie. Yes she might be hurt if she is not honest, but sometimes you have to have a bit of courage to do the right thing.

Also no poly is not cheating, poly is having several sexual and romantic partners when everyone involved agree. Cheating is going behind one's partner's back, it lies in the word, to cheat. In a poly relationship one is faithful to several partners instead of one, that do not mean that one is cheating. Also the only thing that have been said about children on the thread is whatever or not the OP is willing to risk loosing custody of her kids if she have any to get her sexual desires fulfilled since if he husband find out and leave her he could be awarded custody, it is a risk to take right or wrong and if it had been me as much as I like the whips and chains if I had children I would not have taken that risk. I do not think children take any damage from seeing their parents in alternative lifestyles or ways to organize their love life, I do however think that children get damaged from their parents lying to one another and hurting one another and that is the crux of the matter.

Cheating is not having more than one partner, cheating is lying to your partner and going behind their back. Cheating is being willing to toss aside a marriage for sex cheating is not tree or more people who all decide to be romantically involved with one another where everyone know what is going on and agree to it. heating is betraying your partner, having a poly relationship is not a betrayal.

I wish you well

_____________________________

Whatever you think you can do or believe you can do, begin it. Action has magic, grace and power in it.--Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Futon torpedoes, make love not war!--Aswad


(in reply to chatterbox24)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: New Sub/Slave - 9/15/2012 6:26:31 AM   
chatterbox24


Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline 		I am in agreement here that honesty is beautiful, and when you have it and its understood, its freeing and one of the best things ever.
Just seems people get on their high horse and condemn people a lil harshly sometimes.
We coud turn the tables here and say this. Honesty doesnt make everything right. We talk about self control and all this, but basically if you have another partner, honest or not honest, the alpha partner no matter who they are, are not satisfying the needs completely and a third is brought in. The "CHeaters" are told to have self restraint, be a martyr, respect etc. While these are good things.
I can make the argument that even though you have honesty, you are still going outside your main relationship to get your jollies. Why not apply that self restraint, and tone down your own desires, and find that with one also. Forget about the honesty and apply the same concept you give advice on. Will you be happy? Will you make arguments as to why you wont do that? I think you will. IM just saying, you all have sme valid points, but the tables can be turned to see your weakness also.

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: New Sub/Slave - 9/15/2012 6:41:39 AM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		Who is preaching and condemning? The fact that you keep interpreting comments as negative says much more about you than you know. On this short thread I saw many people share constructive comments, and several gave advice and comments from a place of naked honesty. It's been commendable how much support there has been here. Yet you see these comments to her as looking down on her. There's been a lot of time invested in this thread by many people, why you are not seeing that as a positive thing is indicative of where the subject stands for you in your own life.

*Edited to add: No solution is without weak spots. Of course weakness exists, to think there is a perfect solution is crazy, so you look for the one that may work out to be the best for everyone as you won't find perfection.

< Message edited by lizi -- 9/15/2012 6:43:54 AM >

(in reply to chatterbox24)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: New Sub/Slave - 9/15/2012 6:44:03 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		Trust you to think telling your partner you need more out of your relationship than what they can give is being weak.

Or to attempt to somehow think cheating is an honorable thing to do.

Oh, somehow it's better to lie and cheat than to tell the truth.

Yes, you would believe all those things.

Having to tell someone you love that you need something more than they alone can give is one of the hardest thing you may ever have to do. How do *I* know? I've had to do it. I did not do it from a position of weakness, but from a position of strength. I did it not to hurt the person I love, but to be open and honest with him. It took time, but it's made us much stronger.

Right now I'm in a monogamous relationship with that very same person, a male dominant who I consider my husband, yet I am poly and have a male sub who I love dearly. I didn't just keep quiet, nor did I cheat, we went the old fashioned route and talked.

We even broke up for a few years, although this was not the only issue. Though we stayed living together and remained best friends. One of the reason we did that is b/c we knew we could rely on each other's sense of honesty, fair play no matter what happens, and kindness.

Three things you appear to know nothing about.



< Message edited by ChatteParfaitt -- 9/15/2012 7:00:09 AM >

_____________________________



(in reply to chatterbox24)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: New Sub/Slave - 9/15/2012 6:50:53 AM   
chatterbox24


Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline 		No I do see alot of very constructive comments. WHich is very positive. But the poster herself said she felt condemned and left.
It was obviously not feeling positive to her at some point.
Do I recommend cheating? No I do not. If you have a partner who is open to your needs..........HAPPY DAY!!!!!!
All situations are different, and I feel for the poster.

(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: New Sub/Slave - 9/15/2012 6:57:48 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		You know what both you and she remind me of?

A ten year old girl who asked for a pony for her birthday, but got school clothes instead.

They needed the school clothes, b/c mom and dad were broke, but they were too young and immature and shallow to know that, and they just really wanted that pony.

So they couldn't appreciate all the hard work and sweat it took to come up with the bucks for the nice, new school clothes. (Did I mention shallow?)

The OP didn't get what she wanted, she got what she needed. It is now time to cue the old Stones tune.








< Message edited by ChatteParfaitt -- 9/15/2012 7:02:28 AM >

_____________________________



(in reply to chatterbox24)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: New Sub/Slave - 9/15/2012 7:08:41 AM   
KYsissy


Posts: 781
Joined: 5/12/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chatterbox24

No I do see alot of very constructive comments. WHich is very positive. But the poster herself said she felt condemned and left.
It was obviously not feeling positive to her at some point.
Do I recommend cheating? No I do not. If you have a partner who is open to your needs..........HAPPY DAY!!!!!!
All situations are different, and I feel for the poster.


When you come to a public message board and ask for peoples opinions, don't be surprised when you get them.

_____________________________

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went."
Will Rogers, 1897-1935

(in reply to chatterbox24)
Profile   Post #: 60
Page:   <<   < prev  1 2 [3] 4 5   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: New Sub/Slave Page: <<   < prev  1 2 [3] 4 5   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094