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Enlightenment - 9/17/2012 10:05:48 AM   
climax2


Posts: 10
Joined: 8/5/2011
Status: offline 		HI,

I really need some enlightenment about DOMs. For over a year I have been overwhelmed with fakes and wannabees. Earlier this year, I removed myself from a relationship in which a DOM that was interested in me, was also living with his girlfriend. She went ballistic and crazy, and I had no idea she even existed as we were in two different states. Then, I thought I met a great DOM, and we began a long distance relationship. I didn't seem to read the writing on the wall too well though, because it seems like it was always busy on the weekends and hard to get in touch with, wouldn't cam, call, etc. Something continued to seem off. And then he basically strong armed me to cam online with him. I did so, and he got caught at work on Skype. I have old been able to get information from him in bits and pieces but he is saying he is on probation and that he is not allowed to talk to me. I asked if there was a reason he couldn't talk after work. He eluded that he was in deep shit. Has anyone heard of anything like this happening before? I hesitate to think that I didn't use my best judgment, I had this funny feeling, but when I said something, it was just dismissed. Now, after wasting three months on him, I have no contact at all, so he's gone with the wind. When you can't get someone to voice confirm, or cam, isn't that a sign that something is very wrong? Just wondering.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Enlightenment - 9/17/2012 10:11:04 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		He's married. Can't skype at home because there's someone there who can't know about you.

For me personally, I wouldn't submit to someone until we were in a relationship, and someone who's never around to talk to, won't speak on the phone, has never met you, is acting shifty about when they can contact you... that's not a relationship.

Unless you are happy with just chatting online, then yes, something is very wrong with someone who refuses to get on the phone and isn't looking to meet up sooner rather than later.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to climax2)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Enlightenment - 9/17/2012 10:18:10 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		You had posted something similar before. http://www.collarchat.com/m_4238315/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#4238315

You had three bad experiences back to back. I stand by my previous advice. You need to take a step back and figure out why you keep choosing the wrong people over and over. Then make some rules for yourself to keep it from happening again....and keep yourself to those rules.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Enlightenment - 9/17/2012 10:34:36 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

and I had no idea she even existed as we were in two different states. Then, I thought I met a great DOM, and we began a long distance relationship. I didn't seem to read the writing on the wall too well though, because it seems like it was always busy on the weekends and hard to get in touch with, wouldn't cam, call, etc. Something continued to seem off. And then he basically strong armed me to cam online with him.


1. While long distance relationships can work out for some people, you're not one of them. Stick to local guys.

2. Don't allow yourself to be strong armed. When you get those red flags - pay attention.

_____________________________

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(in reply to climax2)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Enlightenment - 9/17/2012 10:40:34 AM   
SlipSlidingAway


Posts: 223
Joined: 11/24/2006
Status: offline 		This isn't a Dom issue, it's a relationship issue.  Oh, maybe they are using the D/s aspect to try to keep you in the dark, or to manipulate you into doing things you should know better than to do-- after all a good submissive knows her place and would never question her Dom *choking a bit*. 

The point is, if you are meeting guys on the internet, and there are red flags- don't ignore them.  I don't care if the guy is Dom, sub, switch, vanilla, whatever...it's not insight into a certain mindset that you need.   Instead you need to learn to better read men in general and develop the skills to set boundaries that respect who you are as a person.

_____________________________

"...ethical behavior should be based...on sympathy, education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death. " —Albert Einstein

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Enlightenment - 9/17/2012 12:25:27 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		This is not a "Dom" issue or a relationship issue.
This is a you issue.

Take some time to write out all the red flags that are associated with each guy.

If you are puzzled by how you missed them then please seek out counseling.




< Message edited by angelikaJ -- 9/17/2012 12:44:07 PM >

_____________________________

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(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to climax2)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Enlightenment - 9/17/2012 12:42:02 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		It's been said on this thread and your other one that you need to pay attention to who you are choosing and why, to figure out where things are going off the rails. Some issues are expected, no one is perfect and people actively try to fool others, having that happen over and over though means you are not paying attention somewhere or using faulty criteria in choosing these guys.

The guy who got caught at 'work' is married. You're his piece on the side. Why you would let anyone 'strongarm' you into camming for him is a mystery - you are in control of yourself and should be dictating what you do when until such a time as you hand over control to a Dominant. If this someone you never met in real life then you shouldn't be giving him control yet. One thing I can see that seems to be a problem for you is long distance, don't do that anymore so you can meet these men and see upfront what they are about. It also seems like you are giving them control too quickly. Slow down and be more selective. You're letting yourself be taken advantage of. You need to safeguard yourself better, the guys you are picking don't seem to be concerned with that, they're using you. You don't have to let that happen.

Another thing about meeting in real life is that you don't have to worry about voice confirming or camming then, you're right in front of someone. You still need to be watching out for yourself as that's not a golden ticket to honesty, but it does take some losers out of the running.

(in reply to climax2)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Enlightenment - 9/17/2012 12:50:18 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi
Why you would let anyone 'strongarm' you into camming for him is a mystery

Actually my question is: HOW could anyone strong arm you into camming when they're not even in the same room as you? Seriously, it's cyber. All you have to do is click the little red X in upper right hand corner of your screen and any attempt to strong arm instantly disappears.


< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 9/17/2012 1:35:28 PM >

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Enlightenment - 9/17/2012 1:26:34 PM   
CRYPTICLXVI


Posts: 3907
Status: offline 		...and the subs have explained everything so very clearly, that there was no reason to "ask a master".
Listen to their advice, listen to your inner voice and learn what you want and seek that. Just because you are
submissive, does not mean you necessarily stop thinking or taking care of your self.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Enlightenment - 9/17/2012 1:43:37 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi
Why you would let anyone 'strongarm' you into camming for him is a mystery

Actually my question is: HOW could anyone strong arm you into camming when they're not even in the same room as you? Seriously, it's cyber. All you have to do is click the little red X in upper right hand corner of your screen and any attempt to strong arm instantly disappears.



Lol, well yeah, I'm saying why because I can't figure out how that happens. Basically she's actively participating but trying to make it look as though the decision was made for her. I've made mistakes, but if I make one then I'll own up to it and say it wasn't what I should have done. If the OP presented that little fact differently and said that she made a poor choice on that, I'd probably have more hope that she's going to break out of her "poor put-upon me" thing she's got going on. As it is she's pushing off the blame. When she accepts that she's doing the wrong things then she's got the chance to stop.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Enlightenment - 9/17/2012 2:02:06 PM   
Alecta


Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline 		This is the internet. ANYONE can call themselves anything. I once spent an entire month on a teen forum telling angsty kids I'm a cat who sneaks into random people's houses to use the internet, just to prove the point (I was in a weird place).

It doesn't mean it's true. Nothing about anyone you "talk" to over the internet (or indeed anywhere else) is true until you've met them face to face and verified it all for yourself.

Just because a guy calls himself a Dom doesn't mean shit. Only you can decide if he's worthy of being YOUR Dom.

Also, take away the BDSM activities and rules and a D/s relationship is just that, a relationship. The same steps you would go through in a regular relationship applies. You need to think about establishing a normal trustworthy relationship with someone before accepting them as your Dom.

(in reply to climax2)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Enlightenment - 9/17/2012 2:12:21 PM   
JanahX


Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline 		WHAT DO YOU THINK? Are you really so out of touch with reality that you have to ask this after 3 bad deals from here? Why dont you go and ram your head into a brick wall again and see if it hurts? Maybe after the millionth time it wont.

quote:

ORIGINAL: climax2

When you can't get someone to voice confirm, or cam, isn't that a sign that something is very wrong? Just wondering.



_____________________________

The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

The second rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.


(in reply to climax2)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Enlightenment - 9/17/2012 2:30:35 PM   
ARIES83


Posts: 3648
Status: offline 		Look, there are actual guys out there who are
Not liars, they are not cheating or using D/s to
get blow-jobs but you have to wade through a
hell of a lot of shitheads to find them so you can
either become a nun or keep searching, if you
keep looking expect to run into more wankers,
but keep your mind on the goal and don't get
let it get to you.

For me I would go from CMail very quickly and
hit MSN messenger or something for real time
texting, I don't have a cam but I would probably
buy one to play around and see what skypes like.

At this point we would have both seen what the
other looks like, and found out any information
like kids, job, likes & dislikes that might be deal
breakers No commands, just two people
getting to know each other.

Then I would suggest a meet if all was going well,
like cafe lunch followed by some light shopping
and knowing me probably bad jokes and clever
flirting!

The point is, If a "Dom" at any point before your
comfortable with him, tries to use D/s as shortcut
to bypass the need for having relationship skills,
he is either inexperienced or a player IMO.

Just be honest and open, you can't control what
he does but if he's acting like a spy or something,
not able to talk or be places for various reasons
then I say save yourself the drama and just find a
Dom that is in charge of his life at least.

-Aries

_____________________________

530 DAYS

(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Enlightenment - 9/17/2012 3:42:34 PM   
graceadieu


Posts: 1518
Joined: 3/20/2008
From: Maryland
Status: offline 		There are so many signs that things are very wrong in your description, yes.

Stop having cyber-relationships with married men that live far away. Just - stop it.

Date local guys. Guys that will actually come out and meet you and get dinner or whatever are much less likely to be "fakes".

And go over to their home. If they're living with a wife or girlfriend, or even have another woman that spends the night regularly, it'll be really obvious.

(in reply to climax2)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Enlightenment - 9/17/2012 3:45:50 PM   
culareD


Posts: 762
Joined: 8/16/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi
Why you would let anyone 'strongarm' you into camming for him is a mystery

Actually my question is: HOW could anyone strong arm you into camming when they're not even in the same room as you? Seriously, it's cyber. All you have to do is click the little red X in upper right hand corner of your screen and any attempt to strong arm instantly disappears.




And this form of DIVA is extremely therapeutic!!!

_____________________________

Member-at-Large, ProSubs"R"Us

Life is like a box of chocolates. Savor every bite.

The Butterfly Story

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Enlightenment - 9/17/2012 4:35:29 PM   
loveseat


Posts: 28
Joined: 6/7/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: climax2

For over a year I have been overwhelmed with fakes and wannabees.


I'm going to put my flame retardant suit on and put myself up for a roast by saying that I think that most people who habitually enter online, long distant relationships are fakes, wannabees, hiding something or hiding from something, whether they are vanilla, a sub or a Dom... and I say this from experience, looking back on my own behaviour.

I met my partner online, after years of failed internet relationships. When he mentioned coming out for a visit I was terrified, the relationship had taken a step out of the lovely warm safe internet cocoon and was suddenly real. Some time after his visit, when he mentioned moving here permanently I actually broke things off I was so terrified.

He did move and we have lived together for 4 years now. We have spent three of those years trying to reconcile the differences between our online personas/relationships and what it's like to physically have someone who farts in bed, leaves the toilet seat up, has horrible mood swings every 28 days, all those things that are real that have no real bearing in an internet relationship. After a lot of blood, sweat and tears and some visits to a marriage counsellor our relationship is in a great place and I think it was worth it. If we ever split up though I would never, ever, enter a long distance relationship again.

What's preventing you from dating locally? Answer that question and you could have an insight into what you are hiding, or hiding from.

(in reply to climax2)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Enlightenment - 9/17/2012 5:23:37 PM   
Alecta


Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: loveseat

I'm going to put my flame retardant suit on and put myself up for a roast by saying that I think that most people who habitually enter online, long distant relationships are fakes, wannabees, hiding something or hiding from something, whether they are vanilla, a sub or a Dom... and I say this from experience, looking back on my own behaviour.


Please stay, no suit required.

(in reply to loveseat)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Enlightenment - 9/17/2012 9:58:55 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		So why are you purposefully picking guys who live far away? Instead of someone local you could meet for coffee next week? And who you would know wasn't married because you got invited over to his house.

You keep choosing these guys. Why?

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to Alecta)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Enlightenment - 9/17/2012 11:23:29 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		OP, you don't need enlightenment about Doms, you need enlightenment about yourself and your inability to discern red flags and people whose behavior is not lining up with what you expect.

I mean, seriously, you are old enough to know better. Being submissive is not the same as being stupid.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Enlightenment - 9/17/2012 11:53:33 PM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		Hey OP... is this true?
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

You had posted something similar before. http://www.collarchat.com/m_4238315/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#4238315

You had three bad experiences back to back.


Because if it is.... it's time to accept that there is a possibility that the problem is you.

If it happens again, my sincere advice to you would be to cancel your internet subscription.


_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 20
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