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Sadist Master/Dom Question - 9/27/2012 7:00:07 AM

curiousmisfit

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Joined: 9/26/2012
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Ok.... I am new and trying to soak up all I can of the different dynamics and relationships..... It can be a little overwhelming... So, please forgive if I misuse terminology and please correct.

As I have read many many threads trying to educate myself on dynamics... I am surprised how moved I feel when I see the relationship between KANA and LITTLEWONDER.... (I think I am right, If I did not connect the dots properly I apologize).... Mostly because I am afraid of pain (that would probably be my hard limit)....and KANA, and the other sadist on here would scare the shit out of me LOL... so, I would probably not be their pick as a partner anyway(not that I am looking). I know... get to the point...

Question for all Sadist Masters.... would you be afraid to team up with a Masochist....I just read where Littlewonder said she was NOT a masochist.... I have even more respect for her. I am wondering... Sadists love to cause pain....and Masochists love to receive pain...so, if you are inflicting pain on a masochist... does the sadist still get the same fulfillment? Also, is there a worry that you would go to far...because you would get wrapped up in the moment and so would the Maso?

So, do you as a Sadist stay away from Masochists, or does it not matter in the scheme of things?

I know there are more Sadist type Masters.... I think Ladypact, Dark Stephen.. etc.... I would like someone to explain the dynamic....

I realize there is a trust that is honestly unsurpassed in my mind... when you embark on a journey like Kana and LW....but to get to the point of being alone with a person who loves to cause pain... would be a great leap of faith (in the beginning).

While I do not think this type of relationship is for me... I cannot help but be intriqued and respectful of the bond here.

I have plenty more questions.... but this will start...

Thank you in advance for your time....

< Message edited by curiousmisfit -- 9/27/2012 7:03:08 AM >

Post #: 1

RE: Sadist Master/Dom Question - 9/27/2012 7:14:50 AM

LanceHughes

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Quick, quick answer. Safe-word

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RE: Sadist Master/Dom Question - 9/27/2012 7:24:42 AM

poise

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Like you, I consider myself a really big wuss when it comes to pain, so much so that I often cringe just reading some
of the posts by Kana and other sadists. But in reading (and cringing) I have also learned that, while they may take great
pleasure from causing pain, there is never an intention to cause harm. That was a huge realization for me, as I had always
associated pain with harm. It doesn't stop me from still being a big wuss, but it has allowed me a more comfortable acceptance of pain.

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RE: Sadist Master/Dom Question - 9/27/2012 8:29:31 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
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quote:

ORIGINAL: curiousmisfit
I am wondering... Sadists love to cause pain....and Masochists love to receive pain...so, if you are inflicting pain on a masochist... does the sadist still get the same fulfillment? Also, is there a worry that you would go to far...because you would get wrapped up in the moment and so would the Maso?

I'm a light weight masochist. Master has played with some hardcore masochists. He has played with people that weren't masochists at all. He has enjoyed playing with every single one of us.

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RE: Sadist Master/Dom Question - 9/27/2012 8:39:22 AM

Missokyst

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Joined: 9/9/2006
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I am a maso, but I don't like pain. Pain hurts. But that doesn't mean I don't get something from it. I range from being lightweight to hard core depending on my mood or my partners mood. But pain still hurts regardless. I am a maso because for me pain is a tool that helps me along what ever path I am wandering. I am a maso because sometimes pain hurts and THAT feels good; being hurt, suffering, breaking the shell.
I have been involved with sadists, dominants, and sometimes it was the same guy. But for the most part those guys liked me and paid attention to what I could endure and when the flip switched into my being actively into pain for the enjoyment of it.
I have never been involved with anyone who was sadistic and was aiming to hurt me without care about how far he could take it. Either I am very lucky, or I have learned to choose my partners very well. I choose to think it is the latter.

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pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
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RE: Sadist Master/Dom Question - 9/27/2012 8:51:53 AM

curiousmisfit

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Thank you for your responses!! I know you don't owe them to me...

I should have included in the OP, that I do understand safewords..... but, what if the maso is having such a rush that he/she doesn't want to call the word.....Does the Sadist master/dom/domme then use judgement as to when to stop?

Thank you missokyst - I did not realize that maso's experience pain like you stated... i thought pain was pleasurable somehow for you... thank you for helping me!

OsideGirl..... So, what I am asking you and Missokyst... is, when you had your first encounter (scene) with a your Master or Dom.... how are you reassured that he will stop when you say the safeword... i guess, what I am saying is... anyone can pretend to be honest and a good master...or Dom.. just like a Vanilla Relationship.... were you at all scared that he/she wouldn't stop on request?

Again... I am just curious... but I commend the amount of trust and bravery you must display to give yourself completely.... this is what I struggle with personally.... a fear.

Thanks so much!!

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Post #: 6

RE: Sadist Master/Dom Question - 9/27/2012 8:57:55 AM

mnottertail

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The Dom will use judgement or maybe just wear out.....that would end it too.

Regarding what you asked O and M, they really didn't know, no one can be certain, but I bet they had some long talks and knew them fairly well before they let the fella beat the dogshit out of them.

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RE: Sadist Master/Dom Question - 9/27/2012 8:59:25 AM

angelikaJ

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For myself, who is not a masochist and whose Master is not a sadist (although pain-play is part of His repertoire and something that He does engage in with me), all of it is about the journey.

I don't think that the head-space, the trust, the vulnerability and transparency are necessarily any more or less intense for me than people who play heavier or lighter.

I like the experience of His infliction of pain on me; I like how accepting and receiving feel and of course, responding.
It is a dialogue between us; an intimate dance and an embodied example of power exchange.

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RE: Sadist Master/Dom Question - 9/27/2012 9:02:17 AM

OsideGirl

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From: United States
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quote:

ORIGINAL: curiousmisfit
OsideGirl..... So, what I am asking you and Missokyst... is, when you had your first encounter (scene) with a your Master or Dom.... how are you reassured that he will stop when you say the safeword... i guess, what I am saying is... anyone can pretend to be honest and a good master...or Dom.. just like a Vanilla Relationship.... were you at all scared that he/she wouldn't stop on request?

We're an odd case because Master and I had been platonic friends for three years before we dated, so I knew he would respect the safeword.

But, we were in the same community together, so I had seen him play at the Lair many times. He also had a very good reputation in the community.

One of my things when I was single is that I took things slow. I made it clear that I wouldn't have sex or play until I was comfortable and that it wasn't going to happen on the first meeting or date....and that it likely wouldn't happen for awhile. That got rid of a lot of the wannabes and gave me time to get to know them. I also wouldn't jump into the deep end of the pool for the first play session either.

There are no guarantees, but if you use your head about getting to know somebody, you should know if they'll honor their word.

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 9/27/2012 9:19:38 AM >

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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RE: Sadist Master/Dom Question - 9/27/2012 9:11:29 AM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: curiousmisfit

Thank you for your responses!! I know you don't owe them to me...

I should have included in the OP, that I do understand safewords..... but, what if the maso is having such a rush that he/she doesn't want to call the word.....Does the Sadist master/dom/domme then use judgement as to when to stop?

Thank you missokyst - I did not realize that maso's experience pain like you stated... i thought pain was pleasurable somehow for you... thank you for helping me!

OsideGirl..... So, what I am asking you and Missokyst... is, when you had your first encounter (scene) with a your Master or Dom.... how are you reassured that he will stop when you say the safeword... i guess, what I am saying is... anyone can pretend to be honest and a good master...or Dom.. just like a Vanilla Relationship.... were you at all scared that he/she wouldn't stop on request?

Again... I am just curious... but I commend the amount of trust and bravery you must display to give yourself completely.... this is what I struggle with personally.... a fear.

Thanks so much!!

[My] Master and my relationship are a little bit different than many Master/slave relationships go.
His first rule to me was: "You never give up the right to say no.".

He insisted that not only I have safe words but that he had to trust I would be willing and able to use them.
Since I am not beyond telling Him "yellow light", I don't think I will ever get to a point beyond when I can't use them.
However, after 3+ years, I do trust Him to take care of me if I get in over my head.

As for this:

quote:

Again... I am just curious... but I commend the amount of trust and bravery you must display to give yourself completely.... this is what I struggle with personally.... a fear.

For me, that has just been a consequence of the evolution and deepening of the intimacy we have within this relationship.

The only bravery required has been to be fearlessly honest in my communications with Him.

Trust has been the side effect of His proving Himself to be trustworthy.
And all of that takes time.
There were no shortcuts.

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RE: Sadist Master/Dom Question - 9/27/2012 9:40:11 AM

sexyred1

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To me, it matters not if someone is a sadist or if I am a masochist (I am not). What matters is the degree, context and caring level involved in whatever I do with someone.

With my ex; who discovered his sadistic side was far more than I could take, it was not the pain itself that was a problem; I could eroticize it when I wanted to.

It was the attitude he showed. He had literally no understanding of what went on in a submissive's head and he displayed no empathy at the consequences of what we did. For him, it was getting off on the moment and for me, the physical pain subsided, but the emotional pain of his lack of care hurt far worse.

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RE: Sadist Master/Dom Question - 9/27/2012 9:42:26 AM

ChatteParfaitt

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In my mind, you can roughly, since clearly there must be overlap, put sadists into one of two categories, those who are looking for masochists, and those who are not.

The ones who seek masochists are (JMO) far more dangerous, b/c between the two of them they can get a pain rush going and well, before you know bones are broken and someone's in the ER. And there are people who play that way. Now, it may be consensual, but there is nothing sane or safe about it. However, I try not to judge those people. I'm not walking in their shoes, you know? So that's my opinion.

Now, for the sadists who get off on inflicting pain on someone who doesn't like it, at first glance, this seems all wrong. Sure, it may be consensual, but shesh, the person doesn't like it. But in actuality, although on some level they don't like it, they LOVE and I do mean LOVE the control. That's what's it all about for the s-type in this relationship, and I suspect, for the d-type as well.

But you know, all relationships are different. A master should never be this cookie cutter dom who is the same way with all s-types. If he is, well then he is brand spanking new or an idiot or both. Relationships vary according to the individuals in them, and that includes the BDSM aspects as well.

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RE: Sadist Master/Dom Question - 9/27/2012 9:45:22 AM

Missokyst

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Joined: 9/9/2006
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Like Osidegirl I always get to know my partner well before any intimacy happens. I think I knew Steve for about a year before things flipped into D/s and light s/m. I knew Gary for months and months online before we met in person and for a few months after that before we got into any phyiscal play. And even then none of it was restrictive to the point I could not escape or defend myself if it got to be too much. Of course it never did because by that time we cared about each other and planned for it to be a relationship. I have never had to use a safeword.
Of the two men, Gary is definitely more of a sadist than a dominant. There were times he would tell me he wanted me to fear him, but.. lol it is very hard to fear someone you trust so we could never go there. I would giggle and the mood would be busted.
It is very much of a nilla relationship where you get to know someone before putting yourself any position of weakness.

quote:

ORIGINAL: curiousmisfit

when you had your first encounter (scene) with a your Master or Dom.... how are you reassured that he will stop when you say the safeword... i guess, what I am saying is... anyone can pretend to be honest and a good master...or Dom.. just like a Vanilla Relationship.... were you at all scared that he/she wouldn't stop on request?

Again... I am just curious... but I commend the amount of trust and bravery you must display to give yourself completely.... this is what I struggle with personally.... a fear.

Thanks so much!!

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to curiousmisfit)

Post #: 13

RE: Sadist Master/Dom Question - 9/27/2012 10:53:35 AM

Alecta

Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: curiousmisfit
Question for all Sadist Masters.... would you be afraid to team up with a Masochist....I just read where Littlewonder said she was NOT a masochist.... I have even more respect for her. I am wondering... Sadists love to cause pain....and Masochists love to receive pain...so, if you are inflicting pain on a masochist... does the sadist still get the same fulfillment? Also, is there a worry that you would go to far...because you would get wrapped up in the moment and so would the Maso?

So, do you as a Sadist stay away from Masochists, or does it not matter in the scheme of things?

I'm not afraid to team up with a pure masochist but I avoid them. I think the word that best describes it is... bored. I'm an emotional sadist, it's the feelings of the one suffering that I am after and if they aren't suffering, I get frustrated, bored, and in some cases, when they're off in their own little fantasy land enjoying their plight, I feel left out. My blend of sadism wants them to suffer because of me. It gains gratification knowing it's something I in particular am doing (as opposed to just anyone who happens to be in my shoes at that moment), or that it isn't something you enjoy but something you endure for my sake.

I think personally how it works between a sadist and a masochist is really down to the individuals. I have no doubt that there are other sadists for whom the other person's feelings, be it enjoyment or not, do not matter one whit.

I have anger issues. A violent temper, limited patience. I have lost control/awareness of surroundings in fits of rage and Dom-space. There has also been times where I have no recollection of my actions when I hit that depth. But BDSM and D/s is not an excuse for bad behaviour and I've been working on these things a long long time. I think on the other extreme of being bored by masochists is not wanting to get involved with one who would, for their own enjoyment, push me into that space and undo all the work I do everyday to stay in control of my temper/sadism; and in response to your question, yes, I worry about it constantly. So I make the conscious decision not to put myself in "risky" situations and environments. I make rules and protocols to help me and my submissives avoid it. And when I fail, I accept the consequences and work harder at there not being a next time. Very unglamorous lol

quote:

how are you reassured that he will stop when you say the safeword... i guess, what I am saying is... anyone can pretend to be honest and a good master...or Dom.. just like a Vanilla Relationship.... were you at all scared that he/she wouldn't stop on request?

Trust. There is no foolproof way of growing trust in specific regard to safewording and going too far, I guess. But just like in a vanilla relationship, its down to the sub to use his/her big head and eyes and ears before putting themselves in a vulnerable position for the Dom in question. Don't believe a word they say, trust in your instincts instead and observe the way they're telling it and their practical action. Don't go home with the one that says s/he respects everyone then turns around and treats the waiter like his/her own scummy slave. Don't trust the one who says s/he respects boundaries and then proceeds to push at yours. The guy who's claiming all sorts of experience in BDSM and owning slaves? Take his word with a grain of salt, especially if it sounds like he is bragging. Drop anyone unwilling to engage you on the level you want. Be willing and able to wait and find the best fit. Not that there's anything wrong with "mr/ms Right Now", as long as you keep focused and not let them abuse and exploit you just because you're desperate to "belong".

< Message edited by Alecta -- 9/27/2012 10:56:52 AM >

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Post #: 14

RE: Sadist Master/Dom Question - 9/27/2012 11:01:56 AM

curiousmisfit

Posts: 10
Joined: 9/26/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

To me, it matters not if someone is a sadist or if I am a masochist (I am not). What matters is the degree, context and caring level involved in whatever I do with someone.

With my ex; who discovered his sadistic side was far more than I could take, it was not the pain itself that was a problem; I could eroticize it when I wanted to.

It was the attitude he showed. He had literally no understanding of what went on in a submissive's head and he displayed no empathy at the consequences of what we did. For him, it was getting off on the moment and for me, the physical pain subsided, but the emotional pain of his lack of care hurt far worse.

Thank you! I just realized that I assumed Sadists would rarely show affection... but I am learning that is not the case.... Thanks!

ChatteParfait - That is exactly what I was thinking... that the Sadist that seeks a Masochist could be a recipe for disaster.... but maybe they don't feel fulfilled if the person doesn't react to the pain in a desired way....... Thank you...

To all who have responded so far....thank you! You have helped tremedously...

O and M thank you for explaining the relationship process further....

You know, in Vanilla relationships... People often choose to keep parts of themselves hidden, guarded or sacred... wether physical or mental... so, to let someone have full control over your mind as well as your body is intriguing and scary....

I have been married and am happily so, for 7 years..... I know this man would never, ever inflict pain on purpose.. however, the thought of giving up full control is enchanting...now, if I can just get him to TAKE CONTROL...

I also, do not neglect the respect for the good Doms/Masters... your role is not easy either... you have someone submitting their entire mind and body to your whim... that is a lot of power and responsibilty to be saddled with...

I am sure there are some who abuse this position, but to the ones that do not... that is a testament to your character... (even if you are a SADIST) wink.. lol

Thanks again for entertaining my mind....

I hope the responses keep coming...

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 15

RE: Sadist Master/Dom Question - 9/27/2012 11:02:52 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

Master has played with masos and non-masos. He seems to enjoy both for different reasons. He likes that I'm a non-maso because he knows my pain is honest and that I take it all for him and what's getting me off is not the pain but taking the pain for him, wanting to please him, knowing that what he does to me he does out of love for one another.

He never loses control when he's playing. In all actuality his control becomes even more heightened. His focus is stronger, not weaker. We don't use safewords simply because we've been together for over 6 years now and he knows me better than any other person ever has, even myself.

I would say though that if you're nervous and you're new, then a safeword is probably your best bet and if he ignores your safeword then you are with the wrong person. Don't jump into it. Take your time and get to know the guy as a person first, not a dom or sadist first.

ETA: Just read that you are married but he doesn't seem to want to take control. I'm the type that believes you are either a dominant person or not, a sadist or not. It's not something that can be forced upon another. You can't make someone become something they are not. Have you talked to your husband about it? If he's not interested then you can't change that. At that point you have a few options...see if he will allow you an open relationships so you can get your jollies elsewhere or if he says no then you have to ask yourself....how important is this to you? Enough to divorce him and move on? Sounds like you have some work to do. Good luck.

< Message edited by littlewonder -- 9/27/2012 11:06:29 AM >

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Post #: 16

RE: Sadist Master/Dom Question - 9/27/2012 11:07:04 AM

JanahX

Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
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quote:

I am wondering... Sadists love to cause pain....and Masochists love to receive pain...so, if you are inflicting pain on a masochist... does the sadist still get the same fulfillment?

I have wondered about this forever and a day - I dont get it.

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Post #: 17

RE: Sadist Master/Dom Question - 9/27/2012 11:36:44 AM

curiousmisfit

Posts: 10
Joined: 9/26/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

quote:

ETA: Just read that you are married but he doesn't seem to want to take control. I'm the type that believes you are either a dominant person or not, a sadist or not. It's not something that can be forced upon another. You can't make someone become something they are not. Have you talked to your husband about it? If he's not interested then you can't change that. At that point you have a few options...see if he will allow you an open relationships so you can get your jollies elsewhere or if he says no then you have to ask yourself....how important is this to you? Enough to divorce him and move on? Sounds like you have some work to do. Good luck.

I typed a long response... if it pops up later... apologies...

First thank you Littlewonder for reponding to me...

I am happily married, and this new interest of mine is no where near as important as my marriage. I realize for some it is.. but for me.. it is not. We have an amazing marriage, and he is my best friend..... My previous marriage was very abusive... so, part of what attracted me to my husband was his gentle nature....so, I think he concentrated alot on empowering me and making me feel safe while I was with him in any capacity..... he is not a push over, but he is not domineering either. I have told him a few of my fantasies and he seems willing.... I do think he will be taken aback a little by my new desire to be dominated..BUT I would only want to venture down this path with him.. he has completely earned my trust and therefore I could give myself to him completely.... without him delivering the commands... I do not think I would be interested....

I truly think I crave to see him unleash raw passion and loose some inhibitions.... (I hope this makes sense, please feel free to ask me to clarify).....

I want to say that you and your devotion to your Master are inspiring... and I just commend you (and others like you)... very special (although I would be scared shitless....) ...Thanks again for responding...

ETA: I don't know why this all ended up in a white quote box.... apparently I need a tutorial...ha

< Message edited by curiousmisfit -- 9/27/2012 11:39:54 AM >

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Post #: 18

RE: Sadist Master/Dom Question - 9/27/2012 11:44:53 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
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goto my profile in gold upper right, look for the signature block, there above it is a button called PGD code. Punch it. All will be revealed.

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

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Post #: 19

RE: Sadist Master/Dom Question - 9/27/2012 11:46:35 AM

curiousmisfit

Posts: 10
Joined: 9/26/2012
Status: offline

Thank you Alecta... your honesty is greatly appreciated.....I commend you for holding yourself accountable.... You are one of the ones that take their power and position seriously...

I can understand exactly what you are saying about your searching for Maso's and them undermining what you are doing to better your art.... This is exactly what I wanted to know...

I also know this thought process can vary from one person to the next.....it is also interesting that you are an emotional sadist... that is intriguing...

Thanks!

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Post #: 20

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