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Pledge? - 9/27/2012 10:14:25 AM

TieMeInKnottss

Posts: 1944
Joined: 9/6/2012
Status: offline

I am talking to many doms trying to find my first. One man, who I haven't met in person yet but have corresponded with for a while, is "considering me" and has asked me to write a "pledge to my future Dom" (he made it clear that he is not asking this as "my Dom" because we are not there yet). "Use words to create a vision for your submission and your commitment to it". I am not sure what to do (he is on work travel & I can't get a quick response and he has given me a deadline). Please help me if you have any knowledge of what he might be looking for. I know I can say "get lost", ignore....but that isn't the answer I am looking for. I am not asking anyone to write it for me just to give me a framework of what he is asking for. (Please be nice...I asked a question on the Sub board once and got beaten up on something unrelated.) I am asking honestly and respectfully for help and would be grateful for any direction I can get.

Post #: 1

RE: Pledge? - 9/27/2012 10:20:03 AM

chemeli

Posts: 335
Joined: 7/30/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss

I am not sure what to do (he is on work travel & I can't get a quick response and he has given me a deadline). Please help me if you have any knowledge of what he might be looking for. I know I can say "get lost", ignore....but that isn't the answer I am looking for. I am not asking anyone to write it for me just to give me a framework of what he is asking for. (Please be nice...I asked a question on the Sub board once and got beaten up on something unrelated.) I am asking honestly and respectfully for help and would be grateful for any direction I can get.

What is the worst thing that could happen? At this point, he's just trying to get to know you and maybe get insight into what it is you wants/how you view D/s in general. So an honest answer would be an opportunity for you to understand yourself on your own submission and for him to know more about you.

I'm not sure why you are so reluctant to do as he asked you? If you're just not comfortable on following his lead and his direction well.....i dont know what to tell you. You have to start somewhere!!

_____________________________

It's a woman, it doesnt know what it wants (aka the stereotypical joke)

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

Post #: 2

RE: Pledge? - 9/27/2012 10:22:35 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

I don't believe in engaging in any D/s until you've met face to face and have agreed to a dynamic. (Giving "tasks" is engaging in D/s.) It clouds getting to know that person and it causes confusion if when you meet face to face....you don't actually like him.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

Post #: 3

RE: Pledge? - 9/27/2012 10:37:42 AM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

I think giving you an assignment with a deadline is still giving you orders, even if he follows it up with 'but not as your dom, because we're not there yet'. Have you ever had homework from someone you went on a date with? Also, remember, he's not just considering you, you're considering him. I say that only to remind you that you're not a toaster which may or may not be up to scratch, you're a human being with your own needs and preferences. Sometimes when meeting online, dominant men may make a big fuss about how they are considering you and encourage you to compete for their affection. In reality there are more kinky men searching online than women - you are in the position to take your pick. Whatever happens remember this is still a relationship and an entirely equal one right up until the point you agree to submit. If you're doing all the work to prove your worthiness to him, take a big step back and ask yourself how this would look without the dom/sub labels - you probably wouldn't be happy to have to jump through hoops to impress a vanilla date, you'd just get to know each other.

Now please ignore all of the above if you already know all this. I only say it because I know you're new to this site and people will try to take the piss.

If you want to do this essay for your own sake, then that's fine of course. If he's given you no real guidelines then I'd just put whatever you feel and think. To me, a pledge is a promise, and if you're relatively new to D/s you might not know what promises you can make.

I don't think anyone can give you a framework because this is by no means a standard thing we all do. Only he knows what he is expecting. Most of the questions round here can be answered with 'it depends on the relationship'. I know that's frustrating, but it is true. I don't have anything like this in my relationship. If he asked me to write about my commitment to my submission, I might say something about how I commit to keep on trying even when there are set backs. I might promise not to second guess his decisions, to try not to be too down on myself when I make a mistake, and to submit even when that means doing nothing. I might say that submission is not rolling my eyes when he watches rubbish TV shows and serving him velveeta mac and cheese with a smile on my face even though I could make fresh mac and cheese which is infinitely superior. But that's because those are things that have come up in our relationship - they would mean something to him, but probably not to you and your dom.

I hope this counts as 'being nice'.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to chemeli)

Post #: 4

RE: Pledge? - 9/27/2012 11:01:10 AM

Alecta

Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss

I am talking to many doms trying to find my first. One man, who I haven't met in person yet but have corresponded with for a while, is "considering me" and has asked me to write a "pledge to my future Dom" (he made it clear that he is not asking this as "my Dom" because we are not there yet). "Use words to create a vision for your submission and your commitment to it". I am not sure what to do (he is on work travel & I can't get a quick response and he has given me a deadline). Please help me if you have any knowledge of what he might be looking for. I know I can say "get lost", ignore....but that isn't the answer I am looking for. I am not asking anyone to write it for me just to give me a framework of what he is asking for. (Please be nice...I asked a question on the Sub board once and got beaten up on something unrelated.) I am asking honestly and respectfully for help and would be grateful for any direction I can get.

I hate this.

If I'm giving an "essay assignment" to a submissive I'm trying to get to know I want to hear from THEM without the input of other people because the goal is trying to peek at how YOUR head works, what YOU feel, what YOU know without being swayed by others. I'm not looking for an answer that would please me, I'm looking for an answer that is most honest of YOU.

So stop reading around and go do your homework. It doesn't help anyone for you to make up an essay full of everything a Dom wants to hear if it's all lies and fantasy!

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

Post #: 5

RE: Pledge? - 9/27/2012 12:02:49 PM

TieMeInKnottss

Posts: 1944
Joined: 9/6/2012
Status: offline

Thank you Athena...that is actually the type of stuff I needed. I have a tendency to either go too in depth or completely off topic. I wanted to just get ideas of what a Dom would consider a "submission". I didn't want to wax on about my definition of it or sit down and come up with specifics... Funny because the eye rolling thing that is similar to me...I am always testing people to see how far they will let me go just to 1) see what I can get away with...2) soI have a reason to not trust them because they will LET me...

Oh and I put him through his paces first so turn about is fair play. I don't mind proving that I am on the same page as he is because that is one thing I also want to make sure of. I know I am the sub, but I really don't want to misrepresent myself because I know that the Dom is putting as much effort in finding a good match for himself (ok the decent ones who I get to that point with!)& don't want to suddenly say "hey, sorry...that is not for me". I actually enjoy the writing work, I find that, even if it doesn't lead to me and him being a match, it makes me think and define what it is I really want so the next person I "meet" I have an even clearer picture. Funny, if he had said "send me a photo of your underwear I would have deleted him but having me do something that I see benefit to me...thank you though for being concerned and bringing it up just in case.

Alecta- I understand what you mean and that is why I wanted to make it clear I wasn't looking for someone else's words...I just don't want to inadvertently screw up. Too many times when you are doing this online, a wrong word or wrong way of putting something can turn someone off & you don't get a chance to redeem yourself. Yes, by nature, I am an obsessive people pleaser and overachiever so I want to blow him away with my wonderful and totally on target response even if it turns out that we don't have any physical chemistry & spend 5 minutes in each other's physical presence to realize "Uuiugggghhhh!". Heck, look at the lengths I am willing to go to to explain myself to you so that you are "happy" with me!

Again, thank you to everyone who responded.

(in reply to Alecta)

Post #: 6

RE: Pledge? - 9/27/2012 12:42:17 PM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

Of course, and like I said, if you feel you're benefiting from it then that's great. Only you know what works for you, right? I'm also someone who finds that writing helps me make sense of things. I think it was the deadline that made me feel a bit dubious.

But I wouldn't worry too much about inadvertently screwing up. If he wanted something specific, he should have been clearer. There are a million ways you could approach this - you could write a story about a moment you hope to experience in a D/s relationship, you could pour your heart out about your worries and wishes like a diary, you could write yourself a list of rules on how you believe a sub should behave, you could do it as a letter to a future dom about what you are looking for in a relationship... I would guess the way you approach this will tell as much about you as the content.

I hope you enjoy your project.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

Post #: 7

RE: Pledge? - 9/27/2012 12:44:06 PM

Alecta

Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline

If it were me I'd be happier with a response that explains yourself as a people pleaser more than one that would please me. Does that make sense? The use of the word Pledge makes me think he does want to know your understanding of the dynamic you want. Pledge to me means "what you would absolutely commit to as a submissive to your Master (but without the essays dissecting why you think that and stories of your prior experiences)".

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

Post #: 8

RE: Pledge? - 9/27/2012 12:52:29 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Answer this: Why are you a sub? Is it because you like giving trust, because you are tired of wussy men, because you like to please, or just do you like getting tied up and spanked?

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Alecta)

Post #: 9

RE: Pledge? - 9/27/2012 12:53:27 PM

JanahX

Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline

He's a wanker.

Any person that does the "consideration" bullshit is in my book is just full of crap.

Consideration of what? Really - he has to "consider" you? You may or may not be worth it to him? I dont know if youre ready for a relationship - I would work on your self esteem some more if you think this is something that is worthwhile. If you do decide to go forward - I can almost predict that this person is going to play you and your self esteem is going to be damaged even more.

I would write him a "pledge" telling him to fuck the fuck off.

BTW - I am being nice.

< Message edited by JanahX -- 9/27/2012 1:04:53 PM >

_____________________________

The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

The second rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

Post #: 10

RE: Pledge? - 9/27/2012 12:56:05 PM

DaddyAndPain

Posts: 2
Joined: 9/23/2012
Status: offline

Did he say "or else"? He's asking the person to do something interesting, and probably would write one too if the OP asked him in the exact same way!

Edit:

> he has given me a deadline

This is where it crosses the line. Once you can get a hold of him, tell him that since you are not His yet, then He has no right asking you to something "by a certain date" unless there's a reason, such as: "im going on vacation for a week and would love to read it while I'm gone." etc.

< Message edited by DaddyAndPain -- 9/27/2012 12:58:02 PM >

(in reply to JanahX)

Post #: 11

RE: Pledge? - 9/27/2012 1:05:36 PM

TieMeInKnottss

Posts: 1944
Joined: 9/6/2012
Status: offline

Dark Steven - I wasn't sure if you were asking me or giving an idea. I know not to go Off Topic here so I invite you to read my journal. I explain quite a bit of my "journey" here.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 12

RE: Pledge? - 9/27/2012 3:04:27 PM

hellioncheriecpl

Posts: 21
Joined: 9/27/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Alecta

quote:

ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss

I am talking to many doms trying to find my first. One man, who I haven't met in person yet but have corresponded with for a while, is "considering me" and has asked me to write a "pledge to my future Dom" (he made it clear that he is not asking this as "my Dom" because we are not there yet). "Use words to create a vision for your submission and your commitment to it". I am not sure what to do (he is on work travel & I can't get a quick response and he has given me a deadline). Please help me if you have any knowledge of what he might be looking for. I know I can say "get lost", ignore....but that isn't the answer I am looking for. I am not asking anyone to write it for me just to give me a framework of what he is asking for. (Please be nice...I asked a question on the Sub board once and got beaten up on something unrelated.) I am asking honestly and respectfully for help and would be grateful for any direction I can get.

I hate this.

If I'm giving an "essay assignment" to a submissive I'm trying to get to know I want to hear from THEM without the input of other people because the goal is trying to peek at how YOUR head works, what YOU feel, what YOU know without being swayed by others. I'm not looking for an answer that would please me, I'm looking for an answer that is most honest of YOU.

So stop reading around and go do your homework. It doesn't help anyone for you to make up an essay full of everything a Dom wants to hear if it's all lies and fantasy!

I agree to an extent. You can always ask for advice, but write your own words.

(in reply to Alecta)

Post #: 13

RE: Pledge? - 9/27/2012 3:43:28 PM

WinsomeDefiance

Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline

Hello Tiemeinknotts,

I would be very careful, personally, about writing a hypothetical 'pledge.' A pledge, or a promise (to me) is a very personal thing and representative of my word.

If you are comfortable with making hypothetical promises, regarding things you may or may not (in the long run) find to be of value - then I would assume you would start with those things you feel worthy of a promise.

I wouldn't really fathom a guess as to what this particular dominant is 'looking for' in asking you to write a pledge to your future dominant, Maybe it was just a thought off the top of his head that sounded good to him.
Maybe he wants a starting point, to know what promises you are willing to commit to in theory. Again, I'd be careful about making hypothetical promises to an 'idea.' Real life has a way of blowing 'ideals' out of the water.

WinD

(in reply to hellioncheriecpl)

Post #: 14

RE: Pledge? - 9/27/2012 4:23:37 PM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss

I am talking to many doms trying to find my first. One man, who I haven't met in person yet but have corresponded with for a while, is "considering me" and has asked me to write a "pledge to my future Dom" (he made it clear that he is not asking this as "my Dom" because we are not there yet). "Use words to create a vision for your submission and your commitment to it". I am not sure what to do (he is on work travel & I can't get a quick response and he has given me a deadline). Please help me if you have any knowledge of what he might be looking for. I know I can say "get lost", ignore....but that isn't the answer I am looking for. I am not asking anyone to write it for me just to give me a framework of what he is asking for. (Please be nice...I asked a question on the Sub board once and got beaten up on something unrelated.) I am asking honestly and respectfully for help and would be grateful for any direction I can get.

Im pretty much down with the sub board folks. A complete stranger walks up <you> and asks me what kind of answer is this other complete stranger < the guy you are talking to> is looking for? Do you see how lame that makes you look?

Like we have any CLUE what the dynamic is between the 2 of you.

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

Post #: 15

RE: Pledge? - 9/27/2012 4:40:16 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

Like we have any CLUE what the dynamic is between the 2 of you.

BadOne

I think part of the problem is that there is no dynamic. It doesn't exist yet, but by making homework assignments he's trying to push one into place.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to SailingBum)

Post #: 16

RE: Pledge? - 9/27/2012 5:03:18 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

I am talking to many doms trying to find my first. One man, who I haven't met in person yet but have corresponded with for a while, is "considering me" and has asked me to write a "pledge to my future Dom" (he made it clear that he is not asking this as "my Dom" because we are not there yet). "Use words to create a vision for your submission and your commitment to it". I am not sure what to do (he is on work travel & I can't get a quick response and he has given me a deadline).

After two long distance relationships that didn't work out because they were very different in person, I would never, ever accept an assignment, and thus D/s dynamic, from someone who I had not yet met.

What kind of work travel does he do that he is not free at night? Are you sure he's not married? Do you know his last name?

_____________________________

Curious about the "Sluts Vote" avatars? See http://www.collarchat.com/m_4133036/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#4133036

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

Post #: 17

RE: Pledge? - 9/27/2012 11:21:20 PM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

Kalikshama makes a good point as usual.

Also, what WinsomeDefiance said. My husband and I started out mega-long-distance, we spent many a happy hour talking on the phone imagining our wonderful 24/7 D/s lifestyle. Reality looks very different. There's no knowing how you will relate in person, how real life will get in the way, and how things will actually feel when you do them. If I had made him promises about how things would go I would have broken them. Because I just didn't know enough about myself, him, the lifestyle, and the way all those things would come together. My mental image of domestic-goddess-meets-sex-kitten-hardcore-masochist was beautiful, but unrealistic. I mean, I do pretty good with the sex, but I'm far from a domestic goddess, and the first experience with a riding crop let me know I am far from a masochist...

My point is, be wary of making even hypothetical promises unless you are certain this guy is realistic enough to know that at the moment, it's a thought experiment and subject to drastic change.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 18

RE: Pledge? - 9/28/2012 7:43:56 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

Here's the thing....he's trying to dominate you right out of the gate. That pledge you are supposed to write? Expect it to be held against you at all times. The moment you stray from it, expect him to say "you lied on your pledge". Anyway, that's just been experience.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 19

RE: Pledge? - 9/28/2012 11:36:08 AM

wolf223

Posts: 89
Joined: 3/4/2011
Status: offline

My thought is you write yours and he write his from his
standpoint and e-mail them to each other at the same
time. Why should you provide you're view point without
his in return. This way you both are sharing information
not him setting you a task. Setting tasks with a deadline
is domination you haven't agreed to.

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

Post #: 20

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