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RE: Is submissiveness a gift to You or expected right a... - 9/28/2012 4:07:59 PM   
RemoteUser


Posts: 2854
Joined: 5/10/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Okay. CLEAN zombie slaves that are 100% without dicks.


But they feel no pain, so really, you could do the job yourself, if you're so inclined.

~ Harry the Hatchet


_____________________________

There is nothing worse than being right. Instead of being right, then, try to be open. It is more difficult, and more rewarding.


(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Is submissiveness a gift to You or expected right a... - 9/28/2012 5:39:12 PM   
oregongirl


Posts: 119
Joined: 10/27/2005
Status: offline 		Thanks everyone! So far, nothing bad has happened since we parted. He hasn't shown up anywhere and he can't call me and I hid my profile on OKCupid for a while (where we met).

I really appreciate the sincerity of everyone's responses and the sense of humors here. This is why I love coming here to get opinions. I don't post often, but I also read some posts that help. I like the diversity of opinions and then I get to pick and choose my own way to designing my life the way I want. I get to live and learn like the rest of us and never give up hope. Coming here feels like a little community where I can feel free to be me with "just the facts ma'am" (I used to love watching Dragnet and love the movie with Dan Aykroyd and Tom Hanks).

But seriously, I even have on my profile on CM that I enjoy using the message boards. And every once in a while I get a message from someone that read a post or a comment I have made and, hey, ya never know, this is another platform to be visible. I appreciate your candidness and shooting from the hip straight responses from your perspectives. I feel like I have gotten to know a tiny bit of each of you, and it's so hard to address all and thank you individually. just know that I do appreciate your efforts to reply. It seems to me that some of you had some fun in bantering back and forth on your own, but you never left me out, lol.

I will post again if this guy somehow becomes visible in one form or another in my life.

And I will certainly post again if I need some more feedback on a different topic. Thank again :)
OregonGirl

(in reply to amaidiamond)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Is submissiveness a gift to You or expected right a... - 9/28/2012 7:22:58 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I'm sure I had deferred to his wishes before a couple of weeks had passed. We were chatting online and I said I needed to leave to run the garbage out. It was midnight and I was in a nightgown and robe. He felt this was unsafe, and requested I sign back on so he would know I hadn't been attacked by a rabid raccoon or such. I did just that.

But really, if after two weeks of conversation I didn't feel any submission towards him, then I wouldn't waste more time. Like sexual chemistry, you feel it or you don't.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Is submissiveness a gift to You or expected right a... - 9/28/2012 10:04:33 PM   
Alecta


Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: oregongirl
I guess what has me stumped is why the fixation on me? Why can’t he just go on to the next woman who has more flexibility in her schedule? We are done, but I’m hoping to learn from this.




So, I didn't read what happened with him and you as a Dom thing, I read it as a pushy guy thing. He pushed too hard, and panicked when he felt he wasn't getting anywhere and ruined his chances. I've just had a run-in with a submissive (he wants to be a slave, we'll see) in very much the same vein. We had coffee after a few months of careful emails. He seemed ok. All of a sudden he was texting and trying to call me at all hours of the day. Of course, as the Domme my way of looking at this behaviour from a sub and dealing with it is different from how you as a sub would see and deal with it coming from a Dom, but my point is, it's a guy-trying-to-close-the-deal thing, not a Dom/sub thing.

It's also funny that I've lost subs because I wasn't that guy you met, because I wasn't calling them all the time to demand to see them, or speeding down the highway to hell demanding right off the bat at the first/second meeting that they obey my every ridiculous Domly whim, because zomg I'm still insisting on getting to know them as people-- how weak is that? What kind of Domme Mistress does that? I've had one guy drop me after the initial coffee meet because, drumroll, I paid for my own drink.

There are two types of "insta-domme" instances for me, where I meet someone while already in "bitch domme space". The "casual hookup" where the "date" is prenegotiated to proceed in a particular stereotyped manner. It scratches the occasional itch. The other I'm not proud of, but is sometimes oh-so-cathartic, the "twist of the knife" show, where I'm just there to prove that I'm the real thing and put to rest once and for all that you have nothing of interest to offer me. Although really, I suppose it is giving the humiliation junkies exactly what they want lol


(in reply to oregongirl)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Is submissiveness a gift to You or expected right a... - 9/29/2012 3:41:52 AM   
chatterbox24


Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline 		The Grand Pooplah dressed as a zombie is REALLY KINDA HOT!! Halloween mode here. (BTW I know I spell it wrong but I like GRAND POOPLAH)

He was just an asshole disguising himself as a good guy at first. SOme people are into that crap, but his wanker was his first priority. He wasnt very supportive of you, and sure didnt care about you being at work or that your busy (PRETTY IMMATURE). Telling you to get physical or else? Blah. WHat did you do wrong? I would say nothing but look good and give him a stiffy.

VERDICT IS............He is NOT the GRAND POOPLAH.

< Message edited by chatterbox24 -- 9/29/2012 3:43:01 AM >

(in reply to Alecta)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Is submissiveness a gift to You or expected right a... - 9/29/2012 6:13:32 AM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline 		I never demand she call me anything. I want it to come from the heart when the title is earned. Freely given, freely received (Plus I can Lord it over her at a later date. Oh yes I will.)

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Is submissiveness a gift to You or expected right a... - 9/29/2012 6:23:43 AM   
Salinedion


Posts: 198
Joined: 5/25/2012
Status: offline 		I don't get the submission by internet thing at all. It's like being given a picture of a ham sandwich when you're hungry, but to each their own.

In my long life as a medium successful Dark Lord (and possible Tarnsman), my driving motivation has been to make hot, classy, brainy women lick my feet, more or less. You can't treat women in that rarified class as suckers and doormats.

I put my sexuality out early and then wait for them to ask for more details. The less I press it, the more they ask. As our little spark smoulders, we enjoy a little exciting frission. My wife is waaay out of my league, but fortune favors the bold and also the emotionally intelligent and socially skilled.

The grubby grasping that you describe is depressing.

_____________________________

I hate the 'reply to' note at the end of the post. Just assume I'm posting to the board at large and not the person above me unless I say diff, OK?

(in reply to amaidiamond)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Is submissiveness a gift to You or expected right a... - 9/29/2012 6:41:23 AM   
chatterbox24


Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Salinedion

I don't get the submission by internet thing at all. It's like being given a picture of a ham sandwich when you're hungry, but to each their own.

In my long life as a medium successful Dark Lord (and possible Tarnsman), my driving motivation has been to make hot, classy, brainy women lick my feet, more or less. You can't treat women in that rarified class as suckers and doormats.

I put my sexuality out early and then wait for them to ask for more details. The less I press it, the more they ask. As our little spark smoulders, we enjoy a little exciting frission. My wife is waaay out of my league, but fortune favors the bold and also the emotionally intelligent and socially skilled.

The grubby grasping that you describe is depressing.



Now, thats the ticket! Good post.

(in reply to Salinedion)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Is submissiveness a gift to You or expected right a... - 9/29/2012 6:41:28 AM   
Killerangel


Posts: 1169
Joined: 8/3/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Salinedion

The grubby grasping that you describe is depressing.


Isn't that the truth?

(in reply to Salinedion)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Is submissiveness a gift to You or expected right a... - 9/29/2012 8:28:06 AM   
oregongirl


Posts: 119
Joined: 10/27/2005
Status: offline 		I'm smiling here. All of you have such insightful comments and a sense of humor that makes me lol.

When I first posted my question, I did not mean to say "gift of submissiveness", I meant "giving over my control to a Dom" Big difference. I realize submissiveness is part of who I am and no one can steal it or demand it. My desire to obey and give over my control to a Dom is very special and reserved for someone special and I take that seriously. When I was younger and more naive, I would play sub in the bedroom, and even through it was probably a little fetish game to him, I found the experience quite thrilling and I began to explore what it is within me that makes me feel so connected to a man, so intimate and safe when I was submitting without even knowing the terminology. When I was young, I would ask a vallilla BF if he would have his way with me and I would ask permission to do certain things. He probably thought I was nuts.

Of course I am still learning. I have made huge mistakes, but I am learning to be more patient, cautious, observant, and use my logic as I seek the One who has the human qualities I feel would be compatible and long lasting. Sometimes I don't see the subtle red flags, but this time there was a HUGE red Stop Sign and I heeded its warning signs.

Thank you again for being here for me.

(in reply to Killerangel)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Is submissiveness a gift to You or expected right a... - 9/29/2012 11:56:21 AM   
CynthiaWVirginia


Posts: 1915
Joined: 2/28/2010
From: West Virginia, USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: oregongirl

For ease of this conversation, I am using the term "her" and "she" as the submissive so I do not need to keep changing pronouns.

I would like to ask the ones who are Masters here....when You or the other has just met online and just getting to know each other, say after a couple of weeks of talking and there is still no consent to submit or dominate, If so, is this a test to see if she is a true submissive? If the sub is not comfortable just yet in consenting to said orders or rules, would You expect the sub to say "Sir" or expect the sub to follow your orders or rules? you dump the sub? If so, why?

What would be Your criteria when you are seeking a faithful submissive who wants to please but that sub is only looking after herself and being cautious? Would You not respect he even more?

I understand that AFTER a commitment has been made, then I would agree that a sub like myself would want to please and give over control to Him. I am merely asking how you would approach the girl when still in the "getting to know you stage" and what you would expect from her in terms of addressing you and how fast would you be in demanding her to do certain things assuming she she is not ready, but still showing interest?


Expecting honorifics from someone who isn't mine? A "true submissive" test? There's a TEST and nobody told me about it???

oregongirl, my submissive had a lot of "do me" in him for the first few months after I collared him; if there had been a test, he would have flunked it. The man turned out to be one of the finest slaves I have ever known.

For some of us, calling someone "Sir" or "Ma'am" begins a mild power exchange. Making orders and rules for someone who has not agreed to submit...is assuming an authority one does NOT have.

If a submissive is not cautious about who they choose to submit to, I assume they have no control over their submission (a doormat), that they are in sub frenzy, that they are thinking with their little head instead of their big one, that they are new and are afraid of being blacklisted within "the community" (as my boy was), or that...the gift they plan to give is a temporary one, easily given and just as easily withdrawn. I prefer to be someone's inspiration, not just some random target they chose to focus their fantasies onto.

If I did not inspire/seduce someone's submission...what good would it do to demand honorifics...?

(in reply to oregongirl)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Is submissiveness a gift to You or expected right a... - 9/29/2012 12:28:36 PM   
oregongirl


Posts: 119
Joined: 10/27/2005
Status: offline 		@CynthiaWVirginia Very well said. I am no longer a doormat and I would prefer a Dom to inspire me to come closer, after much trust, and I come to Him on my very own and He would know that I am more willing to begin the process of giving Him authority over me. In my opinion, this is a process. There needs to be that dynamic of truly knowing that He is in fact wanting that lifestyle vs. playing a game to get into my pants. I think too, that I would feel more comfortable with baby steps, and us both learning about the hard limits and boundaries. This guy claims to be a Dom, but I think it sounds like he needs some coaching. But I probably do too. Thanks for your input!

(in reply to CynthiaWVirginia)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Is submissiveness a gift to You or expected right a... - 9/29/2012 12:56:39 PM   
Titaniya


Posts: 85
Joined: 9/9/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

In my big rule book in the sky, submissives are allowed to be busy, to have excellent self-esteem, to know their boundaries, and to say no if they feel the need. Their D-type may expect an explanation (I know mine would), but they are still allowed. Even when they are in a relationship, okay?



Yep.

I don't consider submissiveness a "gift," because I think that undermines the reciprocity of the relationship in some ways (IMO, the dominant is ideally also giving the submissive something the submissive wants - if submission is a gift, so is dominance.) Now, don't get me wrong, I do feel rather flattered when certain submissives express interest in me as a dominant, but it's not terribly different from feeling flattered when certain people express interest in me as a vanilla partner. In both cases, I'd rather such things be expressed by people who have taken some time to get to know me than by people who are sending me their first message(s). Largely because of this:


quote:

ORIGINAL: CynthiaWVirginia



If a submissive is not cautious about who they choose to submit to, I assume they have no control over their submission (a doormat), that they are in sub frenzy, that they are thinking with their little head instead of their big one, that they are new and are afraid of being blacklisted within "the community" (as my boy was), or that...the gift they plan to give is a temporary one, easily given and just as easily withdrawn. I prefer to be someone's inspiration, not just some random target they chose to focus their fantasies onto.




I don't mind certain honorifics - "sir" and "ma'am" are part of my everyday vocabulary, and not just because I hang out in dojangs - but it's always a little off-putting when I realize I'm only getting them because I call myself a dominant. The "goddess" stuff just makes me chuckle - I like the fantasy, but I can't take people seriously when they use it without knowing that. I hate "mistress," but I let it slide because I don't have an actual reason for hating it, just a stylistic distaste.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Is submissiveness a gift to You or expected right a... - 9/29/2012 8:24:46 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

(Plus I can Lord it over her at a later date. Oh yes I will.)


Why couldn't it be Him that has the memory loss problem???

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to Kana)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Is submissiveness a gift to You or expected right a... - 9/29/2012 9:38:12 PM   
SWDesertDom


Posts: 231
Joined: 4/5/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tsatske

My second Master, who is still a dear friend to me, ran a munch when we lived together. He was called the Grand Pubah. I'm pretty sure it was a Domme friend of ours who started that. he was very good natured about it. (i.e. - not an idiot)


You may refer to me as "Lord High Everything Else" please...

(in reply to tsatske)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Is submissiveness a gift to You or expected right a... - 9/30/2012 12:44:56 AM   
graceadieu


Posts: 1518
Joined: 3/20/2008
From: Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Titaniya
IMO, the dominant is ideally also giving the submissive something the submissive wants - if submission is a gift, so is dominance.


This. Definitely.

The "submission is a gift" meme bugs me a bit, because really submission and dominance are both part of a reciprocal relationship. If anything, I feel like I'm the one getting a gift. I'm a worrywort and fret compulsively over stupid things, so it's really wonderful to be with someone that can just be like "Stop worrying! I've got this. Everything's going to be fine." and have it be true. Giving up control makes my life so much less stressful.

(in reply to Titaniya)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Is submissiveness a gift to You or expected right a... - 9/30/2012 7:57:18 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: graceadieu

The "submission is a gift" meme bugs me a bit, because really submission and dominance are both part of a reciprocal relationship.


This^^^^

When I give a gift, the only thing I'm expecting in return is a "thank you".

If submission is like a gift, that cashmere sweater would come with the caveat that it had to be cared for and used according to a long list of instructions or it would be taken back by the giver.


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to graceadieu)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Is submissiveness a gift to You or expected right a... - 9/30/2012 8:12:40 AM   
stealthmeister


Posts: 13
Joined: 11/21/2006
Status: offline 		And what submission is not conditioned on the dom being worthy? Suppose your submission is offered based on lies..."you're the only one for me, honey. The best ever." While he keeps a harem, does not play safe, and in general is a lying pig.

If the submissive does not take back her gift in his case then I think she must be co-dependent. Which we see in the scene an awful lot. But submission can never be expected in 21st Century US & Western Europe. Even the manliest dom on the planet (whatever that is) can't expect to walk up to a submissive and dom her to her knees at once.

It does happen. But if it doesn't happen and the dom disrespects his target as not being submissive, then I say the dom is no dom, but a chudwah. You can never say to another that s/he is not a true submissive......unless you have gotten inside their soul, like a Vulcan mind meld or telepathic bond.

When you offer your submission, the one who accepts it should recognize--and proclaim--that he has received a treasure of incalculable value. A submissive's submission is a pearl of great price, and one who would abuse it should pay for it in ways that would get me banned....but they include pruning shears :-)

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Is submissiveness a gift to You or expected right a... - 9/30/2012 5:03:41 PM   
oregongirl


Posts: 119
Joined: 10/27/2005
Status: offline 		@stealthmeister Very well said. Thank you!

(in reply to stealthmeister)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Is submissiveness a gift to You or expected right a... - 10/1/2012 9:58:20 AM   
Salinedion


Posts: 198
Joined: 5/25/2012
Status: offline 		Short answer:

If I'm NOT getting an ultra-demure speaking tone and some flirty hair tossing/lip-licking offering behavior inside of 30 minutes, then I'm on the wrong blind date.

Check, please.

_____________________________

I hate the 'reply to' note at the end of the post. Just assume I'm posting to the board at large and not the person above me unless I say diff, OK?

(in reply to oregongirl)
Profile   Post #: 60
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