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RE: Is submissiveness a gift to You or expected right a... - 10/6/2012 11:34:56 PM   
KenRath


Posts: 16
Joined: 7/5/2011
Status: offline
I see alot of threads with stories like this and they all crack me up. First let me say that from what I have seen and read from a few people like DarkSteven, LadyH, OsideGirl and some of these others you can't go wrong with their advice.

Now for my two cents.

The first and most important fact in my view is without a solid commitment none of it means anything in terms of expecting or requiring a specific action or form of address.

Second would be the idea that it is important to take time to get to know each other before as people before placing any form of criteria or expectations. In my guess it would be over the course of at least a month or two not weeks and terms like SIr and what not are really not for me. My name works just as well as any other form of address. That does not mean that I would prohibit such a thing if she is by nature used to calling be Sir or Ma'am.


Third is this idea of a true submissive. I have no idea who came up with the term true submissive but I am convinced they should be severly beaten. There is no such thing. Through out the latter stages of the process I may be inclined to request certain task to test her comfort level but at the point they would by no means be required to be done. It is simply a guage of comfort level and in some respects compatability. No is not only a very useful term but an under appreciated term in early stages.

Lastly to address the overall speed question there is no such thing as too slow but there is very much a such thing as too fast. As I stated earlier in the getting to know you stage their are no expectations of do this or don't do that. If she is not ready or still uncomfortable then it means to hold back on that one, slow down, talk it out and make an effort to work on the comfort level.

(in reply to oregongirl)
Profile   Post #: 81
RE: Is submissiveness a gift to You or expected right a... - 10/7/2012 9:49:13 AM   
oregongirl


Posts: 119
Joined: 10/27/2005
Status: offline 		Thank you KenRath for you feedback. You made a lot of sense!

(in reply to KenRath)
Profile   Post #: 82
RE: Is submissiveness a gift to You or expected right a... - 10/7/2012 1:14:18 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Easy rule of thumb...


If his way of gaining your submission is by telling you how others do it...go submit to the "others" and dump the douche!

(in reply to oregongirl)
Profile   Post #: 83
RE: Is submissiveness a gift to You or expected right a... - 10/7/2012 1:56:06 PM   
oregongirl


Posts: 119
Joined: 10/27/2005
Status: offline 		SimplyMichael. Indeed. I guess I am growing up a bit and learning that I will only hang out with people (male or female) if I feel they are compatible and also if we are on the same page. I do appreciate your feedback. Wow, I guess I am a late bloomer at my age, but vanilla dating was so much easier, but then again, I can remember having some conflicts. It does not matter if we are into kink of any of the aspects of BDSM, it matters if two people connect and remain connected. Thanks again. Yep, that guy is gone! It was short lived and a very big lesson I learned.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 84
RE: Is submissiveness a gift to You or expected right a... - 10/7/2012 5:11:27 PM   
JanahX


Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline
quote:

but vanilla dating was so much easier,


How so?

_____________________________

The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

The second rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.


(in reply to oregongirl)
Profile   Post #: 85
RE: Is submissiveness a gift to You or expected right a... - 10/7/2012 5:23:57 PM   
oregongirl


Posts: 119
Joined: 10/27/2005
Status: offline 		JanahX , I think I said that about vanilla dating was so much easier, is because there were not so many rules to follow with D/s relationship. I 'm talking about when I was in high school and college days. We simply went out had some fun, actually went out had had outings like BBQ's, picnics, meet up with other frieinds, and it felt "normal". Within the D/s life, I sometimes have run into men who want to complicate matters during the dating season and from my own experience, he does not want to wait to have the fun, kinky sex, but wants to dive right in and go for it immediately. That's just been my own experience on this site and others.

I think for me, I will try to meet folks in my own community, whether it be a Zumba dance class, book club, walking group and the like.

I just can't tolerate the online games that most people that I have run into here, but I do enjoy the message boards to have an intelligent conversation. I have actually gotten more nice hits on CM here since I started posting and reading on the message boards.

I am me and I refuse to change who I am. I am a romantic by heart and submissive by nature, but I am tired of the online instant messaging games and so I am slimming down, purging my contacts and my world here where I live so I can have space to breath in and out and know I'm a good person and deserve better.

(in reply to JanahX)
Profile   Post #: 86
RE: Is submissiveness a gift to You or expected right a... - 10/7/2012 5:31:22 PM   
JanahX


Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline
quote:

We simply went out had some fun, actually went out had had outings like BBQ's, picnics, meet up with other frieinds, and it felt "normal".


and thats the way it should be in a D/s relationship. Unless of course youre looking to be held up in a cage and only let out when he and his beer buddies want to have a bukkake session.

Use youre common sense and weed out the doods that just finished watching porn and contact you. They are typing with their dick - and its all about their dick.
Kink is fun - D/s fun - it shouldnt be a chore nor someones bullshit fantasy that isnt realistic.

< Message edited by JanahX -- 10/7/2012 5:32:49 PM >

_____________________________

The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

The second rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.


(in reply to oregongirl)
Profile   Post #: 87
RE: Is submissiveness a gift to You or expected right a... - 10/7/2012 5:42:15 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: oregongirl

JanahX , I think I said that about vanilla dating was so much easier, is because there were not so many rules to follow with D/s relationship. I 'm talking about when I was in high school and college days. We simply went out had some fun, actually went out had had outings like BBQ's, picnics, meet up with other frieinds, and it felt "normal". Within the D/s life, I sometimes have run into men who want to complicate matters during the dating season and from my own experience, he does not want to wait to have the fun, kinky sex, but wants to dive right in and go for it immediately. That's just been my own experience on this site and others.



So you're running into men who want sex and play right away, huh? If I told you that they were not Doms but horndogs, would that make you feel better about telling them to jump in a lake?

I met my sub at a party and topped her, chatted with her, and got her contact info. Our first and second dates, she came over for a dinner, movie, and spanking. The third date, we went to a local show. A healthy D/s relationship has both D/s and relationship.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to oregongirl)
Profile   Post #: 88
RE: Is submissiveness a gift to You or expected right a... - 10/7/2012 6:00:32 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		Oh DarkSteven - you so vanilla!

OP - i met my first dom after talking on line for a couple of weeks, talked at Starbucks for a couple of hours, went to his house a couple of days later in full submission mode and basically never left. It was submission at first sight - lol - and i never looked back.

When he died, i started looking again and was dating several dominants. One told me that he would wait until i made up my mind, and bought a tea kettle and my brand of tea, so that when i came to his place i would be comfortable. Guess who i ended up with. His patience made the decision easy.

So , i have done it both ways - instant dominance/submission, and waiting until i felt it, and neither way is "better". For me, it was the man i was reacting to , and one i was comfortable addressing as Sir right away, and one i waited a while. It was all good! I apparently have great judgement in men and dominants - because i was with my first Sir for five years , and have been with my sweetie for over two.

There are no absolute rules.

< Message edited by kiwisub12 -- 10/7/2012 6:02:15 PM >

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 89
RE: Is submissiveness a gift to You or expected right a... - 10/7/2012 6:25:12 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: oregongirl

JanahX , I think I said that about vanilla dating was so much easier, is because there were not so many rules to follow with D/s relationship. I 'm talking about when I was in high school and college days. We simply went out had some fun, actually went out had had outings like BBQ's, picnics, meet up with other frieinds, and it felt "normal". Within the D/s life, I sometimes have run into men who want to complicate matters during the dating season and from my own experience, he does not want to wait to have the fun, kinky sex, but wants to dive right in and go for it immediately. That's just been my own experience on this site and others.

I think for me, I will try to meet folks in my own community, whether it be a Zumba dance class, book club, walking group and the like.

I just can't tolerate the online games that most people that I have run into here, but I do enjoy the message boards to have an intelligent conversation. I have actually gotten more nice hits on CM here since I started posting and reading on the message boards.

I am me and I refuse to change who I am. I am a romantic by heart and submissive by nature, but I am tired of the online instant messaging games and so I am slimming down, purging my contacts and my world here where I live so I can have space to breath in and out and know I'm a good person and deserve better.


I'm wondering why you are taking the 'rules' you run into seriously? When I was looking I refused to talk about sex or kink with men when they were strangers. As I got to know them I'd talk about things in a general way, just like you'd do with a developing vanilla relationship. If I met these men it was for a coffee, no strings attached. The first meeting with my current Dominant of 3+ years was for a college basketball game. We went, had fun, had dinner, and said goodbye.

Just because you are running into guys who put on an act doesn't mean you have to follow it. Did you ever run into players when you dated vanilla? Yeah, you'll run into them in D/s too, they just try to give their maneuverings some legitimacy by calling it BDSM- doesn't mean you have to buy it. In high school when your date tried to convince you to go all the way and maybe threw in some talk about blue balls did you fall for it?

Honestly D/s doesn't give guys the right to easy pussy- if the pussy belongs to you then YOU decide what to do with it and all the things leading up to it. If some guy leads with his dick and wants action right away, then kick him to the curb and go find someone more compatible. Thank goodness you found out right away. Unless of course you want to get laid too.

(in reply to oregongirl)
Profile   Post #: 90
RE: Is submissiveness a gift to You or expected right a... - 10/7/2012 6:26:47 PM   
oregongirl


Posts: 119
Joined: 10/27/2005
Status: offline 		Thanks y'all :) I think I have had enough good feedback to form my own good judgments from this point out on this topic, but I do appreciate all of you had to say about this. I am so glad to hear from all of you and yes I may make more mistakes, but I am improving and using the block/delete functions and if someone sends me an intelligent introduction, then I might respond with a simple, "thank you for your compliment, tell me a bit more about yourself, like what do you like to do in your free time". I realize now that d/s is no different than regular vanilla dating and I am in charge here and I get to pick and choose who I want to enter into a communication with. I saw one woman on a post somewhere who said, "I am woman, see me and and hear me Roar!" and another, "the one with the inny has more power" lol

(in reply to kiwisub12)
Profile   Post #: 91
RE: Is submissiveness a gift to You or expected right a... - 10/7/2012 6:42:40 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		Ok, glad you're good to go then. I think people were still reaching out because you seem to be somewhat overwhelmed by things yet, but I"m glad to hear that's not the case.

(in reply to oregongirl)
Profile   Post #: 92
RE: Is submissiveness a gift to You or expected right a... - 10/7/2012 8:02:31 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: oregongirl

I think I said that about vanilla dating was so much easier, is because there were not so many rules to follow with D/s relationship.


The only "rules" you need to worry about here are the ones you create for yourself. Really.

Online is going to turn up a bunch of crud, whether on this site or on "vanilla" online dating sites. Here's a good rule of thumb: Men want to get laid. No different here than that "match" site.

Talk, get to know someone, see if you click, and go from there. Listen to your gut and look out for yourself, always.

Best wishes in your search :)


_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



(in reply to oregongirl)
Profile   Post #: 93
RE: Is submissiveness a gift to You or expected right a... - 10/7/2012 8:28:11 PM   
oregongirl


Posts: 119
Joined: 10/27/2005
Status: offline 		thank you, NuevaVida. I am in the process of doing a lot of cleanup in my inner and outer world, and that includes blocking certain people and making my own rules from this point forward. I am in charge here until I say otherwise. I can now usually spot a player much easier now. I think too it's important for me to get out into my own community where I can see eyeballs and see consistency. Again, thank you.

(in reply to NuevaVida)
Profile   Post #: 94
RE: Is submissiveness a gift to You or expected right a... - 10/7/2012 8:36:27 PM   
JanahX


Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline 		also Oregongirl - stick around the boards, you'll learn A LOT from these guys - they know whats up.

_____________________________

The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

The second rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.


(in reply to oregongirl)
Profile   Post #: 95
RE: Is submissiveness a gift to You or expected right a... - 10/7/2012 8:45:48 PM   
oregongirl


Posts: 119
Joined: 10/27/2005
Status: offline 		Yes JanahX, I have noticed that, in fact some people in here have been extremely instrumental in changing my viewpoints and changing my behaviors. Yep, I won't go far from here :)

thanks!

(in reply to JanahX)
Profile   Post #: 96
RE: Is submissiveness a gift to You or expected right a... - 10/8/2012 2:07:39 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		I think you'll do alright you know.

I expect you'll make a few mistakes (probably far fewer than I have, mind you!).

But yeah, I reckon you'll be just fine.

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to oregongirl)
Profile   Post #: 97
RE: Is submissiveness a gift to You or expected right a... - 10/8/2012 12:01:20 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Remember that you have to power to say NO. Very firmly.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]



(in reply to crazyml)
Profile   Post #: 98
RE: Is submissiveness a gift to You or expected right a... - 10/8/2012 7:52:23 PM   
oregongirl


Posts: 119
Joined: 10/27/2005
Status: offline 		thank you both for you last two replies. Yep, I will be ok and yes I know that i can and will use the word NO when appropriate :)

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
Profile   Post #: 99
RE: Is submissiveness a gift to You or expected right a... - 10/8/2012 8:25:15 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JanahX

also Oregongirl - stick around the boards, you'll learn A LOT from these guys - they know whats up.


And if you need to learn more, simply sign up for one of my personalized training courses.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to JanahX)
Profile   Post #: 100
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