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RE: No Shows, "dropped calls" - 9/30/2012 11:52:48 AM

TallullahHk

Posts: 572
Joined: 8/20/2012
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I've been stood up a long time ago and got really upset about it. I didn't see it then but I really attribute my response to low self-esteem.

I agree with the other posters who have suggested making a day of it or choosing something you would do anyway. I almost always choose the spot we are going to meet and I pick a place that I'm a regular. I feel like I get a few things out of doing it that way - if they don't show up I still have fun and enjoy an evening/afternoon out with people I like; if they do show up they get introduced to the people I know so if something goes wacky people will recognize him.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 41

RE: No Shows, "dropped calls" - 9/30/2012 11:54:08 AM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lkb0503

Thanks everyone and I am still processing some stuff, I guess the most recent events of no shows and dropped calls brought up memories of the ended D/s 'relationship' I talked about in other posts. I know it being over is better for me. I'm better than I was a week ago, two weks ago. It's not like I still want to be in that 'relationship'. My frustration isn't about not moving on, but trying to understand why anyone in any kind of relationship, even casual can not have enough dignity and respect to tell the other party "it's over, It's not working out".

Killerangel, I'm sorry I know I over reacted to your reply. I appeciate those who reply and how brutally honest the replies are. At this point I realize the best thing I can do is get more involved in the local social events, munches where I live. Thanks everyone.

OP, I'd like to suggest something I've noticed. After my marriage I was tossed into the dating world that I'd had nothing to do with for 20+ years. I tried to do it in person, got frustrated, and went to online. After some heart to heart talks with my best friend, I pinpointed something that had been bothering me. It seems like when you do online with someone, you get closer to them faster, before you know it, it seems like you have real feelings there. Which wasn't always the case then when I met these men offline.

I'd just like you to see that the computer is an artificial medium and promotes intimacy when maybe it's not deserved yet. We can ask each other such personal detail over the internet. It's hard to let these things go then - all of the hopes you had for Mr. Newly Met. It seems perfect. Because you don't know him yet and haven't really met - that's why the imagination runs rampant and reality doesn't click in as self preservation.

I learned the hard way to keep communication online to a minimum, and if I were really interested in someone go for a meeting fairly quickly. That way I kept my investment with a man to a minimum and wasn't so upset or confused if it didn't work out. It's easier to progress at a comfortable pace in real life. Keep reminding yourself along the way with any method that this is just the beginning. I do think you're getting invested too quickly and it's backfiring on you when things don't pan out. See if holding yourself back doesn't give you some personal space to check these guys out over a period of time without caring too much about what happens with them.

(in reply to lkb0503)

Post #: 42

RE: No Shows, "dropped calls" - 9/30/2012 2:56:57 PM

Alecta

Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: lkb0503
Thanks everyone and I am still processing some stuff, I guess the most recent events of no shows and dropped calls brought up memories of the ended D/s 'relationship' I talked about in other posts. I know it being over is better for me. I'm better than I was a week ago, two weks ago. It's not like I still want to be in that 'relationship'. My frustration isn't about not moving on, but trying to understand why anyone in any kind of relationship, even casual can not have enough dignity and respect to tell the other party "it's over, It's not working out".

There is a place in the world for online relationships, I'll grant you that, but they do not translate to Real Time relationships. People respond differently to each other IRL. People often communicate differently online. Being in a real time relationship demands different things of a person than being in an online relationship. So don't confuse the two. If ultimately what you want is a real time relationship, starting an online relationship and hoping for it to turn into a real time relationship is a road of many sorrows-- not impossible, mind you, just wrought full of difficulties like these ones you keep running into.

The best way to have an online relationship is to compartmentalise it so it only exists while you're online and never expect it to be anything more than that-- it is, afterall, what most people are really after when they get into these.

The best way to start a real time relationship is to wait until real time is established before establishing the relationship. As a rule of thumb, stop considering yourself "in a relationship" until you've met this person at least twice and have started to make a commitment to each other to see each other regularly. Talk about D/s interest is just talk and not a commitment to being someone's sub until you've met them a few times and feel the actual real connection with the actual real person (as opposed to a line of text and a pic).

(in reply to lkb0503)

Post #: 43

RE: No Shows, "dropped calls" - 9/30/2012 5:34:05 PM

TieMeInKnottss

Posts: 1944
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Know exactly what you mean! Doesn't matter where or how you meet...how well it seems to be going...
I could be wrong (I am new to this) but, you might have the same problem I have...your attraction to Dom types and your willingness to submit (not to this person in particular but the fact that that is what you want) may be causing you to be too eager..You may need to protect yourself from...yourself. When you meet or talk to someone, tell yourself you may very likely be one of many...that you like what you see or hear but that you don' really KNOW him anyway... I do understand and empathize with you.

(in reply to JstAnotherSub)

Post #: 44

RE: No Shows, "dropped calls" - 9/30/2012 6:27:27 PM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss

Know exactly what you mean! Doesn't matter where or how you meet...how well it seems to be going...
I could be wrong (I am new to this) but, you might have the same problem I have...your attraction to Dom types and your willingness to submit (not to this person in particular but the fact that that is what you want) may be causing you to be too eager..You may need to protect yourself from...yourself. When you meet or talk to someone, tell yourself you may very likely be one of many...that you like what you see or hear but that you don' really KNOW him anyway... I do understand and empathize with you.

You know, there was a poster who used to post here that outlined this type of thing in the past and it really resonated with me. She described it as protecting herself for her future Dominant/Master. I felt a light bulb go off in myself. I too tended to want to give in too easily to men in the past. I react viscerally to Dominant type men, and I tend to want to hand over what they ask for, but I shouldn't. I should be watching to see if they measure up to what they should be, in order to be with me.

The past poster's point was that it was too easy to give in, so she set herself limits in the name of something she could follow better, that of her future Dominant, in order not to give away easily what a man should work to get. It made all kinds of sense to me. I'm a people pleaser, I know this. I shouldn't be doing anything for a stranger. Not everyone is worthy of having me please them. I need to set up external boundaries in order to give myself an artificial space in order to examine things closely as they develop, to see if they are something I should invest in or not. I do need to protect myself from myself, excellent point TieMeInKnottss. I know this now and it gives me a more measured perspective on things.

Plus what man can argue with the point that you are reserving yourself in order to keep your value for the man that you will eventually be with? It might be him! It says that the man who gets you gets something that no other ordinary man can have. In the past when I've refused to talk about sexual/kinky things with men I'm considering by saying that I don't do that with strangers, its been pretty well received oddly enough.

It's even helped me in my current relationship. We have an ongoing problem with something that's related to a biking accident that I had. He emphatically wants me to define my limits on biking when we go, because I tend to jump in and say I'll do whatever I think he wants, and then I add more pressure by thinking that he will be disappointed in me when i freak out on the ride by getting in over my head. This struggle is driving us both crazy. I need to stop trying to please him because then I WiLL please him by letting my angst go and I might actually enjoy the ride. Which is what he wants. I need to stop trying to give people what they want in all situations and put myself first when it counts. We're bringing my bike next weekend to NC, we'll see if it gets ridden or not. I have no idea at this point.

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

Post #: 45

RE: No Shows, "dropped calls" - 9/30/2012 7:22:01 PM

lkb0503

Posts: 41
Joined: 8/28/2012
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Thanks so much my collarme friends. I will be going to the albany munches and keeping my BDSM social life contained to groups. Its safer and probably most people in the groups are real as it comes to BDSM. And I know there are fakes and wannabes out there no matter where u go. I also found another site with like minded people in the lifestyle who live closer. Its all good, I'm learning. I do appreciate the support here.

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 46

RE: No Shows, "dropped calls" - 9/30/2012 7:45:43 PM

Alecta

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Congrats! And good luck :)

(in reply to lkb0503)

Post #: 47

RE: No Shows, "dropped calls" - 9/30/2012 8:40:44 PM

Catsby

Posts: 4
Joined: 7/31/2012
Status: offline

I can feel your pain, and I may not have anything to add to this discussion, but I wanted to comment.

Personally, I consider myself to be selective in the people I even correspond with for more than a few emails. If I get the sense that the person is not a potentially good fit for me, I generally nip any further conversation in the bud.

This online "relationship" can create a feeling that you "know" this person. You're corresponding via email or text. Maybe you're talking on the phone or skyping. Heck, you could even be Facebook friends before you take the plunge to meet in person. It could TOTALLY feel like you have a real connection with this person.

In fact, you very well may have a good friendship. You might have mutual interests. There could be tons for you to talk about. But you are NOT in a relationship with someone you haven't met in person. At least not in the traditional sense. (And for me, I don't have any interest in carrying on an internet affair).

So, I think if you could be very, very selective and careful, you will be less likely to have a man be a "no-show" for a meeting. I've never, ever had anyone be a no-show. I've had a cancellation / reschedule or two, but I chalk that up to being a grown up and seeing other grown ups who have lives outside of dating.

However, I HAVE had a person I've talked to completely drop off the face of the planet. If someone is emailing, then texting, then calling and then WHAM, you never hear from him again... well, he's probably been lying to you about something very important. (Like being married). So, thank your lucky stars he dropped off. Because you were opening yourself to a whole heck of a lot of heartbreak if you HAD developed some sort of real relationship with a liar.

Here's some advice a friend gave me a year or so ago. It's going to sound terrible, but I can see the benefit for someone who becomes attached too quickly to people: Be talking to or seeing at least 5 people at a time. I know, I know, this sounds horrible, but it's the only way some people can keep themselves from "falling" for someone or becoming quickly infatuated. If Guy 1 disappears for a few days, you may notice it and wonder, but you have Guys 2-5 to keep you occupied. Et cetera. However, if Guy 1 is the ONLY man you're talking to... well, you may be ready to throw yourself off a bridge if he stops texting you.

Eventually, if you actually want a relationship, you'll need to decide on one person. But, by then, you'll know him better.

Good luck! Hope this helps!

C

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

Post #: 48

RE: No Shows, "dropped calls" - 9/30/2012 8:46:05 PM

LadyHibiscus

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From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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I have enough trouble finding one man that interests me let alone five, but Catsby has a good point--don't focus. Get to know a lot of people.

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(in reply to Catsby)

Post #: 49

RE: No Shows, "dropped calls" - 9/30/2012 8:57:08 PM

Catsby

Posts: 4
Joined: 7/31/2012
Status: offline

Lady Hibiscus,

You have a very good point... it's hard to find 5 men that interest you (not that are interested IN you... but ones YOU are interested in)! Personally, I can tolerate talking to/seeing/etc. maybe 3 men at a time usually (and, bear in mind, this is WAY before the sex stage. If I'm sleeping with someone, then it's 100% monogamous).

Once I've narrowed it down to one person... well, I'm pretty focused on him. Because at this point, I know him well enough to know he's the one I want.

But, it's important (for me at least) to remember that we're talking about human relationships here. I KNOW I get hurt easily. I know I get attached quickly. I know my own vulnerabilities and insecurities. This is why I do whatever I can to protect myself. Guess what? I make some really bad decisions sometimes! (Surprise, right?) And I've found myself hurt by someone I didn't even know (which sounds SOOOOOOO pathetic to me now!) so, I have tried to learn from those mistakes and not get too attached too quickly...

Hopefully, the OP will have better luck in the future!!

C

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 50

RE: No Shows, "dropped calls" - 10/1/2012 7:50:56 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
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From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

I dunno, Catsby, I'm not sure that five men have been interested in me ever!!

I am a person that forms very deep connections, and I guard against that all the time. Well, I guard against it with MEN. I have been meeting people that I got to know via snail mail, and via the internet, my whole adult life. It's only recently that I've had to be this cautious, and I think the internet has a lot do to with that.

The only thing that we can be certain of in an internet exchange is OUR feelings. What we feel is very real, no matter what is happening on the other side. So, the thing to control is how we feel. Even when we are very "attached" to the person we're talking to, we just don't know if the other side of the equation is sincere. Of course, we don't know that in real life, either, do we? I think we can pull the wool over our own eyes really well regardless of circumstance.

Funny old thing, life!

I said elsewhere that it's a crapshoot, so you might as well have another coffee. I really wish I could learn detachment like Littlewonder's, but when I become detached, I start drifting into areas I shouldn't. So, I try to protect myself as much as I can. I've made more friends along the way than anything, and if I've broken my own heart a time or seventeen, well, it's all part of the experience, right?

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[page 23 girl]

(in reply to Catsby)

Post #: 51

RE: No Shows, "dropped calls" - 10/1/2012 9:51:26 AM

Salinedion

Posts: 198
Joined: 5/25/2012
Status: offline

......I am always surprised by how few people use ongoing discussion groups like this to meet people. This place is like a pub. If you put in some time, some affinities will naturally develop. Some people are must-clicks, and then you shoot them a note.....

I met my soon to be wife on a board (non-kink, broadly self-help). I just liked her. She was such a decent, strong person. I suggested a book to her, she sent back a pic.

Maybe if the OP took a more organic approach to developing relationships, she'd meet (or not even meet) less crazy people.

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I hate the 'reply to' note at the end of the post. Just assume I'm posting to the board at large and not the person above me unless I say diff, OK?

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 52

RE: No Shows, "dropped calls" - 10/1/2012 10:21:30 AM

tj444

Posts: 7574
Joined: 3/7/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Salinedion

......I am always surprised by how few people use ongoing discussion groups like this to meet people. This place is like a pub. If you put in some time, some affinities will naturally develop. Some people are must-clicks, and then you shoot them a note.....

That can work for some people, I suppose.. but what I have found is that the people that shoot me emails from forums live on the other side of the country and quite frankly, so far i cant say long distance "relationships" have worked out for me.. you have to have a lot of trust in the other person and few men can be trusted when most are so sex focused.. just sayin'..

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As Anderson Cooper said “If he (Trump) took a dump on his desk, you would defend it”

(in reply to Salinedion)

Post #: 53

RE: No Shows, "dropped calls" - 10/1/2012 10:23:00 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
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From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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I have used the forums to meet people, but few people on the forums are local to me. There used to be a big Michigan contingent, but those people I knew already! I have no problem with long distance relationships, but not everyone feels that way.

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Post #: 54

RE: No Shows, "dropped calls" - 10/1/2012 10:26:21 AM

Salinedion

Posts: 198
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I agree with the woman above who says that you reserve talking about kink beyond a broad jokey statement to see if they're game. I've always put it out "Me Tazan, You Jane, Jane gets spanked and Tarzan is the boss".

To get any more out of me, they gotta go out with me 3-4 times. If they bring it up, I shut it down in a fun-bossy way. All the while, we're passing time, ramping up the temp., letting our feelings become more articulate.

If a woman told me that they were a for-real submissive and preferred to elaborate (beyond broad compatibility issues) after forming a comittment, that would be be very attractive to me. And if it weren't, I wouldn't drag out my exit. Socially skilled adults can discuss D/S briefly and tactfully without turning it into a demented interrogation.

Asking for what you want is very helpful in getting it.

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I hate the 'reply to' note at the end of the post. Just assume I'm posting to the board at large and not the person above me unless I say diff, OK?

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Post #: 55

RE: No Shows, "dropped calls" - 10/1/2012 10:29:06 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

quote:

I really wish I could learn detachment like Littlewonder's, but when I become detached, I start drifting into areas I shouldn't.

I think detachment came a little easier for me because 1. I'm widowed and after that, anything is easier than that. 2. I have a child and she has had and still does have mental problems, probably a little due to her genetics and her being fatherless and from my fucked up stuff I did when she was younger and 3. I practiced/practice buddhism and meditation which taught me a lot about detachment.

But that's not to say it comes easy ALL the time for me. There are times yet when detachment has not been easy whatsoever. Master knows about this and when I start to feel like this about certain issues, we sit down and talk about it. He knows that will always be a part of me. It will never go away, but talking about it helps me to accept it a little better....not any easier, just a little better.

So the way I came about detachment isn't exactly a way I would prescribe to anyone at all. It has sooo not been easy. It's been a very long road.

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Post #: 56

RE: No Shows, "dropped calls" - 10/1/2012 1:54:59 PM

AveryClevergirl7

Posts: 1
Joined: 9/26/2012
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It is not okay to stand someone up. It is just plain mean. I would totally have my feelings hurt. I think it probably is not just men but yes....the ladies too :) I went and met someone, today actually, being stood up was one...among many of my fears.
I got lucky and he was there and he was who had represented himself to be. :)
Be patient. There are a few good people out there....and if I were you.. I would totally want to vent to!
A.

(in reply to JstAnotherSub)

Post #: 57

RE: No Shows, "dropped calls" - 10/1/2012 8:48:51 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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Prepare to vent a lot then....unless you end up hooking up with the person you met today.

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Post #: 58

RE: No Shows, "dropped calls" - 10/4/2012 2:06:04 PM

ShadesOfTeal

Posts: 4
Joined: 7/30/2012
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quote:

Along those lines I was 'dating' a guy for a few months (not recntly) then all of sudden, no contact. We had a casual relatioonship at the time.and here is the thing: sometimes things are not working, I get it. but be MAN enough, Dom enough to respect your prtner, no matter if its a play partner or more tell your partner when you decide it's not working, you want to move on tell your partner, PLEASE!!

I would rather be told you don't want to see me, it isn't working,, ect then be ignored because you don't have thhe decency to just be honest!!

I hate to say this is my first post on these forums, but it is when we are in the most need of help is when we reach out, I guess. @lkb0503: I know exactly how you feel. I haven't had a no show yet, but something slightly beyond the dropped call. I won't go into specifics, but suffice it to say we were 3 weeks into a physical relationship with no indication of a problem (of course there were initial bumps in the road but we had worked them out). Then out of nowhere, he has gone MIA. I cannot help but be confused and hurt. It was not casual, we both wanted a relationship. We were becoming close. I don't dismiss people from my life easily, and I certainly know no other way than time to erase them from my thoughts, especially when they were in the forefront for some time. I choose very carefully, watch for red flags, I follow safety rules when meeting even for coffee. I expect some disappointment, I never expect perfection. I try to see the good in all people and look at this process as a journey, not a destination. I don't want to become jaded and treat people coldly, like just faces in a crowd with no emotions for me to connect with. Time will tell. Wishing you luck and success :)

_____________________________

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away."

(in reply to JstAnotherSub)

Post #: 59

RE: No Shows, "dropped calls" - 10/9/2012 7:42:47 PM

lkb0503

Posts: 41
Joined: 8/28/2012
Status: offline

Friends thank you once again for the brutal honesty I do need a kick in the azz at times and I'm grateful for all of you that pull no punches. I do wear my heart on my sleeve and that won't change.
I am learning to do things for myself that make me feel good about myself. To go to local social events/ met ups are the best thing I can do. It is one day at a time even an hour at a time along this path. I am encouraged there is much to look forward to and plan to keep things in a balanced perspective. Thank you all very much for your support.

(in reply to JstAnotherSub)

Post #: 60

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