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Cyber Doms - 10/5/2012 3:32:20 AM

LadyBlaze433

Posts: 5
Joined: 6/23/2011
Status: offline

Hello fellow subs/slaves - my first post here. I've just terminated a very intense cyber D/s relationship that lasted for a little over 2 months. I did tasks for him as well as having training sessions that were quite elaborate and very well-planned, with toys that I had to build myself and some bondage etc. There were games of risk and reward. He wanted to push my boundaries and it was exactly what I needed. The sessions were tailor-made to my needs and I knew he was putting a lot of effort into them. I felt that I could trust him. He instructed me by Skype voice. We became very attached to each other and spent hours every day chatting. It was like a mutual addiction. The big problem was that he wouldn't appear on webcam. At first he said that was part of his training method - and more recently he said it was because he's got full custody of his teenagers and if his ex-wife found out about his lifestyle she could make a lot of trouble for him in court and he could lose his business etc. He's always hinted that he would eventually appear on camera but at first his face would be in the shadows. I asked him for a picture early on and he took four full body naked pictures and emailed them to me. But yesterday I said I really needed to see him on webcam - no more delays - and now it's over. That and another issue - the issue of meeting IRL - which I also assumed would happen eventually.
I know for a fact that he was very attached to me but now I realize I got played - he only wanted a cyber toy and I wanted a relationship with a future. He let me believe that was possible. Of course I'm heartbroken and I feel very foolish. And btw he's not the first cyber dom I've had who doesn't show his face during a session. But the other two did show their faces occasionally just to chat to and to verify their identity.
Now I've decided - no more cyber Doms - but what a hard way to learn this lesson.

Post #: 1

RE: Cyber Doms - 10/5/2012 4:16:43 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

What can I say? I'm sorry you got hurt. But then people in cyberland can and do portray themselves as whatever you want them to be.

You gave your heart and your body (however virtually) to someone you didn't know well. You *thought* you knew him, but as you just learned, you didn't really.

This is the huge issue I have with cyber only relationships. They make it too easy for people to hide huge chunks of who they are.

BTW: Those elaborate and well planned training sessions you loved so much? That just means he's done this before, quite a few times. He's a cyber sexual predator who finds victims to prey on.

Why am I so harsh on him? B/c he used lies and emotional blackmail to reel you in. I sincerely hope you don't end up with your cam sessions with him all over the net.

In the future I suggest you approach BDSM relationships in the same way you would a vanilla relationship. Would you have vanilla cyber sex with someone you couldn't see or couldn't met? I bet not. I bet if you took the "master" equation out of things, you would have seen through this man much quicker.

I took a brief glimpse at your profile. You make it clear you are new, then toss down the gauntlet of "are you dom enough" for me. You taunt and tease the desktop doms, diminants, and random predators to take you on as a challenge. Stop doing that.

Then spend some time asking yourself why you thought that was such a great idea.

_____________________________

(in reply to LadyBlaze433)

Post #: 2

RE: Cyber Doms - 10/5/2012 4:22:46 AM

DeviantlyD

Posts: 4375
Joined: 5/26/2007
From: Hawai`i
Status: offline

I do believe you are mellowing ChatteParfaitt. Say it ain't so!

Oh. Off topic I am.

Seriously good response though.

Carry on. :)

_____________________________

ExiledTyrant's groupie. Catering to his ego since May 26, 2007. :D

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 3

RE: Cyber Doms - 10/5/2012 4:27:22 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

Thank you.

And I *have* mellowed in my old age. Can you imagine what I was like when I was in my 20s??????

_____________________________

(in reply to DeviantlyD)

Post #: 4

RE: Cyber Doms - 10/5/2012 4:34:23 AM

pyschosubmission

Posts: 1109
Joined: 7/6/2012
From: Glasgow, Scotland
Status: offline

Can I just say that this,

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt
diminants

Brilliant word!

_____________________________

Comedian, kinkster, all round malingerer

Lord Pish of Talkingshite
First Member-At-Large, ProSubs"R"Us

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 5

RE: Cyber Doms - 10/5/2012 5:23:08 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

Thank you but I can't take the credit for coining the word, that goes to my very own Himself, who coined it while spending an inordinate time in a chat room when he and I first met.

Yes, I met him online. But the second we realized we could be serious about one another we exchanged driver license photos (BTW: not recommended in the current age of ID theft). This was our way of establishing trust, as neither of us had lied about age, weight, where we lived, etc. Then we started talking on the phone. This was pre-cell phones, and he was in Alaska, so we talked for one hour a week, and traded off on expenses (it was still pricey).

A few months later he left Alaska to meet me and see if we had a chance to have a life together. 14 years later, here we are. So I have nothing against people meeting online. I've met some great people that way !!

It's the diminants who pull out the "master" card as to why they can't bring the relationship into real time and stick to online fantasy only (while telling the sub every lie under the sun) I take issue with.

_____________________________

(in reply to pyschosubmission)

Post #: 6

RE: Cyber Doms - 10/5/2012 5:33:33 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I love the bit that how "attached" the guy was and the fact that you got played was all in the same sentence. If you haven't figured it out yet, he was only "attached" to the fact that he was getting you to do stuff on cam. For your sake, I hope you didn't do anything that you wouldn't want your friends or family see on the net. The stuff is probably already on YouTube. The guy was not only Dom enough for you. He played you like a violin.

Now, if you're into doing free cam shows for any person who calls himself a Dom, be My guest. Have a great time! Just don't cry about it later.

Unlike CP, I'm not going to blame him. He might be a predator, but it's just like in the rest of nature. If there was no prey, the predators would not remain. You don't blame the snake for biting you when that is in it's nature. You blame the person who put their hand out to be bitten.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to pyschosubmission)

Post #: 7

RE: Cyber Doms - 10/5/2012 5:40:21 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

Oh I made it clear the OP didn't just ask, she begged to be used by the diminant. And she really should spend some time asking herself why she did that.

It took two months of this nonsense before she grew a spine?

I know she's new to BDSM, but she's in her 50s for pity's sake.

(BTW LadyBlaze, paragraphs are you friend.)

_____________________________

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 8

RE: Cyber Doms - 10/5/2012 6:02:33 AM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyBlaze433

Hello fellow subs/slaves - my first post here. I've just terminated a very intense cyber D/s relationship that lasted for a little over 2 months. I did tasks for him as well as having training sessions that were quite elaborate and very well-planned, with toys that I had to build myself and some bondage etc. There were games of risk and reward. He wanted to push my boundaries and it was exactly what I needed. The sessions were tailor-made to my needs and I knew he was putting a lot of effort into them. I felt that I could trust him. He instructed me by Skype voice. We became very attached to each other and spent hours every day chatting. It was like a mutual addiction. The big problem was that he wouldn't appear on webcam. At first he said that was part of his training method - and more recently he said it was because he's got full custody of his teenagers and if his ex-wife found out about his lifestyle she could make a lot of trouble for him in court and he could lose his business etc. He's always hinted that he would eventually appear on camera but at first his face would be in the shadows. I asked him for a picture early on and he took four full body naked pictures and emailed them to me. But yesterday I said I really needed to see him on webcam - no more delays - and now it's over. That and another issue - the issue of meeting IRL - which I also assumed would happen eventually.
I know for a fact that he was very attached to me but now I realize I got played - he only wanted a cyber toy and I wanted a relationship with a future. He let me believe that was possible. Of course I'm heartbroken and I feel very foolish. And btw he's not the first cyber dom I've had who doesn't show his face during a session. But the other two did show their faces occasionally just to chat to and to verify their identity.
Now I've decided - no more cyber Doms - but what a hard way to learn this lesson.

I'm sorry you got hurt. I'm a bit confused as to why you've been taking on repeated cyber relationships till now, when you say you want real time? Chatte made a very good point about how the sessions were probably repeats from other women. The thing that sticks out to me was him saying that the not showing himself was "part of his training method". I'm sure you must have questioned that, it just sounds silly.

Seems like you had ample warning signs and chose to ignore them until the final time you asked him to show himself. I do hope that your future is more in line with your desires than accepting second rate. You deserve to be more selective and to treat yourself better than to stoop to performing for someone if that's not your own goal. Often times submissive women tend to think that a Dominant man has some lofty principles, or that there is some rule that says you have to obey anyone who asks for it....that sure isn't always the case. These men are just men, the regular kind that we're all familiar with. They don't have any superpowers that come with the Dominant title. Maybe it will help you to take out the BDSM context with the next man that you meet and just treat it like any other relationship...?

(in reply to LadyBlaze433)

Post #: 9

RE: Cyber Doms - 10/5/2012 6:07:13 AM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

I am sorry, but the words "intense cyber D/s relationship" are an oxymoron to me.

(in reply to lizi)

Post #: 10

RE: Cyber Doms - 10/5/2012 9:08:39 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyBlaze433

Hello fellow subs/slaves - my first post here. I've just terminated a very intense cyber D/s relationship that lasted for a little over 2 months. I did tasks for him as well as having training sessions that were quite elaborate and very well-planned, with toys that I had to build myself and some bondage etc. There were games of risk and reward. He wanted to push my boundaries and it was exactly what I needed. The sessions were tailor-made to my needs and I knew he was putting a lot of effort into them. I felt that I could trust him. He instructed me by Skype voice. We became very attached to each other and spent hours every day chatting. It was like a mutual addiction. The big problem was that he wouldn't appear on webcam. At first he said that was part of his training method - and more recently he said it was because he's got full custody of his teenagers and if his ex-wife found out about his lifestyle she could make a lot of trouble for him in court and he could lose his business etc. He's always hinted that he would eventually appear on camera but at first his face would be in the shadows. I asked him for a picture early on and he took four full body naked pictures and emailed them to me. But yesterday I said I really needed to see him on webcam - no more delays - and now it's over. That and another issue - the issue of meeting IRL - which I also assumed would happen eventually.
I know for a fact that he was very attached to me but now I realize I got played - he only wanted a cyber toy and I wanted a relationship with a future. He let me believe that was possible. Of course I'm heartbroken and I feel very foolish. And btw he's not the first cyber dom I've had who doesn't show his face during a session. But the other two did show their faces occasionally just to chat to and to verify their identity.
Now I've decided - no more cyber Doms - but what a hard way to learn this lesson.

I'm sorry that you're hurt, but you've learned a very important lesson. Until you've met face to face, it doesn't matter how much you've chatted......he's still a complete stranger. You truly know nothing about them.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to LadyBlaze433)

Post #: 11

RE: Cyber Doms - 10/5/2012 9:19:52 AM

myotherself

Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline

OP - I remember the first guy I met online. We didn't do any of this cybering nonsense, we just chatted. For weeks, usually for a few hours a day. It got very intense. We swapped photographs, and we both liked what we saw. We planned all sorts of fun futures together.

Then we met. There was actually zero chemistry. Nothing that attracted me to him, nothing that attracted him to me. Despite being so compatible online, there was nothing in person. We were both a bit stunned by this, but it happens.

After that, I refused to invest anything into a relationship unless it was in real life. I met a few more guys who seemed like a good match online, and then it all fell to bits in real life.

Although when I chatted to Master I was convinced we wouldn't really hit it off when we met, despite having nice chats online. Two years later, I'm collared to him and we're planning on moving in together. Just goes to show how deceptive online 'relationships' can be!

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 12

RE: Cyber Doms - 10/5/2012 10:03:59 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

Online stuff can be super fun. It's a role playing game! But it's a GAME.

I have met some of my dearest friends via the net or other distance stuff, so I will not say it's a bad thing. The only thing you can be sure of is YOUR feelings. Those are real. Everything else...well...

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to myotherself)

Post #: 13

RE: Cyber Doms - 10/5/2012 11:28:10 AM

ARIES83

Posts: 3648
Status: offline

I'm with Hib,
Cyber only relationships are at best a game,
at worst only interactive porn.

IMO why would a person carry out a cyber
relationship other than because there was
some reason why they were unable to have
a real one?

OP, as you've seen you can still get just as
hurt by a cyber relationship, I could imagine
there may be some type of feeling of safety
or something possibly.

I personally need something to "sink my teeth
into", something physical.

So my advice, as it always is... Is, don't do
anything D/s over the net, use the net as a
way to talk and try to find someone to connect
with but don't get naked or take orders or
anything of someone you haven't met in
person.
That's just me, since I have no experience in
online dating, you can take that for what it is,
just some random internet persons opinion.
I could be a virgin school kid having a wank as
I type this for all you know...

-Aries

_____________________________

530 DAYS

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 14

RE: Cyber Doms - 10/5/2012 12:05:52 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

it takes two......

For now on that's gonna be my line....it takes two.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to ARIES83)

Post #: 15

RE: Cyber Doms - 10/5/2012 12:50:30 PM

SexyLou

Posts: 5
Joined: 10/1/2012
Status: offline

You say in your origonal message that

quote:

'But yesterday I said I really needed to see him on webcam - no more delays - and now it's over.'

Does that mean that you ended it or did he? I agree with what ChatteParfaitt says i hope it doesnt end up all over the net. :)

Close the chapter and move on, its not a complete disaster if you learn something and take it away with you to your next D/s relationship

x

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 16

RE: Cyber Doms - 10/5/2012 12:56:30 PM

JanahX

Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline

You got played - and he was a huge liar. Welcome to Collarme - ha ha.

Look - if they arnt straight up from the get-go, get going out the door. Theres tons of red-flags from what you wrote, so just remember what youve learned and dont let that shit happen to you again. Also - just remember, a lot of people get real board with cyber after a while - it just doesnt go anywhere - and gets redundant.

_____________________________

The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

The second rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

(in reply to LadyBlaze433)

Post #: 17

RE: Cyber Doms - 10/5/2012 1:45:49 PM

anniezz338

Posts: 1183
Joined: 8/17/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyBlaze433

Hello fellow subs/slaves - my first post here. I've just terminated a very intense cyber D/s relationship that lasted for a little over 2 months. I did tasks for him as well as having training sessions that were quite elaborate and very well-planned, with toys that I had to build myself and some bondage etc. There were games of risk and reward. He wanted to push my boundaries and it was exactly what I needed. The sessions were tailor-made to my needs and I knew he was putting a lot of effort into them. I felt that I could trust him. He instructed me by Skype voice. We became very attached to each other and spent hours every day chatting. It was like a mutual addiction. The big problem was that he wouldn't appear on webcam. At first he said that was part of his training method - and more recently he said it was because he's got full custody of his teenagers and if his ex-wife found out about his lifestyle she could make a lot of trouble for him in court and he could lose his business etc. He's always hinted that he would eventually appear on camera but at first his face would be in the shadows. I asked him for a picture early on and he took four full body naked pictures and emailed them to me. But yesterday I said I really needed to see him on webcam - no more delays - and now it's over. That and another issue - the issue of meeting IRL - which I also assumed would happen eventually.
I know for a fact that he was very attached to me but now I realize I got played - he only wanted a cyber toy and I wanted a relationship with a future. He let me believe that was possible. Of course I'm heartbroken and I feel very foolish. And btw he's not the first cyber dom I've had who doesn't show his face during a session. But the other two did show their faces occasionally just to chat to and to verify their identity.
Now I've decided - no more cyber Doms - but what a hard way to learn this lesson.

Lots of people meet first online these days but with BDSM, it seems to give some the license to wank at your expense. That sounds like what you ran into.

I do not believe in online doms. If you do not get to meet in RT, he is not YOUR dom. Online can bring some very satisfying friendships, mentors, playpals, roleplaying, etc. But that is all there is. I have a 2 1/2 year online mentor/playpal who has helped me with a RT relationship and tons of other stuff. What he has truly given me is much enjoyment, laughs and friendship. But he is in no way and never will be my dom. And he built trust....it took him 2 months just to get me to chat on brand x messenger.

Watch your expectations. Don't lower them, just watch them. It's like getting a degree...takes tons of time and endurance.

_____________________________

I had become insane, with horrific lapses of sanity. Edgar Allen Poe

(in reply to LadyBlaze433)

Post #: 18

RE: Cyber Doms - 10/20/2012 5:33:24 PM

LadyBlaze433

Posts: 5
Joined: 6/23/2011
Status: offline

Wow, I got blasted, but, fair enough, cyber relationships are a hot potato, and I agree that most cyber doms are fakes or predators and wankers. But, lots of submissives live in the cyber world for reasons of their own. I'm not going to get into my reasons, but I've had a taste of R/L and I'm more than ready. I've never stopped looking for a R/T dom but at my age and with my choosiness it's very very hard to find the right match.

There are a minority of genuine R/L Dominants out there who have some online submissives and who know what they are doing - however I do agree that online pales in comparison to the real thing. It has fed my cravings in a limited way in my quest for the real thing.

As far as the webcam sessions with me naked, he has no idea how to videotape and post on the web. I am much more computer-savvy than he is. We broadcast some of our sessions on a website but I don't show my face. A friend has recorded some of our sessions for us but as yet my Dom has no clue how to do this. I'm an exhibionist and not ashamed to admit it.

My story took an unusual turn. The Dom I was involved with is a full-time single father. He'd been Dom to his wife and had some R/L subs for the past five years but mostly cyber. When he met me he did what he was used to and what his subs had accepted - didn't show his face, and kept it all about the play and the D/s. Or tried to - it didn't work with me. He found himself trusting me and opening up to me, and we became close. This led to a terrible dilemma for him, because he hadn't expected to care for me and become exclusive with me. He dropped all his ties with his other subs, cyber and R/T. And he was trapped in his web of deceit. He'd lied about his age, and when I had demanded pictures, he had sent pics of someone else - someone younger. And when I finally demanded to see him on webcam, he could no longer make vague excuses - rather than hurt me any longer, he bailed. We both spent a couple of days crying - him kicking himself and me trying to figure out what had just happened. Then I demanded to know the answer to my question - why no face? Was he married? A known figure? Unspeakably ugly? Then he came clean. Then came my dilemma. To forgive or not to forgive. I knew this man, I cared about him, I'd talked to him for hours every day and he'd bared his soul to me. Did he deserve a second chance? I decided yes, as long as he appeared live on webcam and agreed to meet me. He lives 2 1/2 hours away by plane.

Not only did he do that, but we chat live every day and he says if we meet and all goes well, he'll move to my city. We have something very special. We are both very motivated to make this work. He wants to give up being a cyber dom and commit himself to a full time relationship with me. He says that meeting me has woken him up and inspired him. I'm just crossing my fingers and hoping that meeting him will fulfill my expectations. He's been humbled by the experience - now that I've seen him, he's just an ordinary guy, and yet my feelings for him, if anything, have deepened. And, the D/s dynamic is still there. We both realize that it's only by meeting in the flesh that we'll know for sure. And, if he doesn't follow through with that in December, it will be over. The trust has to be earned, brick by brick. I hope you don't all judge me to be an idiot. I believe in redemption. And if I still end up getting hurt, well..... I'll still be richer for the experience.

(in reply to anniezz338)

Post #: 19

RE: Cyber Doms - 10/20/2012 5:44:30 PM

Alecta

Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline

A cyber relationship is not the same as a real time one. There are perks to both and reasons to both. It's only stupid to enter a cyber relationship when you want a real time relationship, and vice-versa. At the end of the day, it's an apples and oranges thing.

(in reply to LadyBlaze433)

Post #: 20

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