RE: Just TALK, gawds damns it! (Full Version)

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LaTigresse -> RE: Just TALK, gawds damns it! (10/5/2012 2:14:46 PM)

Generic Dude's father and his wife, perfect example of a couple that does not discuss any sort of feelings or shit like that. Guaranteeeeeeeeeed. I cannot say they are happy in the way I would want to be happy, but they have been together for decades and will be until one of them dies.



ARIES83 -> RE: Just TALK, gawds damns it! (10/5/2012 6:22:00 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble
"How do you feel about XYZ."

"It's okay. What's for dinner?"

"Chicken. Well, does it move you or affect you in some way?"

"I don't know, Celeste. Not really. If we have potatos make those with the chicken. I don't want rice tonight."

"Okay. Well, if XYZ were to happen would it make you sad?"

"GIRL, go make my damn dinner. I'm hungry and your ass is going to be sad if you don't bring me food!"

Standard 'feelings' convo.

[:D]


[sm=biggrin.gif]



littlewonder -> RE: Just TALK, gawds damns it! (10/5/2012 7:54:26 PM)

For us it just makes life extremely simple...complete transparency, complete communication about everything, anything. He wants to know everything I've done today. He wants to know how I'm feeling, how my classes are doing, what was the topic today? How did you do on your exam? So what did you and so and so talk about today?, etc....

I like it because I just can't not tell him about anything. It will just come out in our everyday discussions anyway since I have extreme memory problems, especially lately plus I like sharing all the little details with him. It keeps me on the straight and narrow. It helps him how to figure out if anything is going sideways with me, especially my depression since he knows when even little things in my life change to depict my depression getting bad again. Those little things make a HUGE difference in how and what he needs to do for me. I don't always see those little things since it's sometimes hard to see when you are on the inside looking out. I don't always trust my decisions or thoughts.




ARIES83 -> RE: Just TALK, gawds damns it! (10/5/2012 9:11:21 PM)

This is a bit late... But, "Lawnmower of your Shame".
Eh?!
First rules of communication in the Men's Handbook:

#1.
If she is not making sense, asume that it is because
she is a woman, bless her heart.

#2.
If a woman is talking to you and she is not making
sense never fear! The language of love has no need
for words.

#3.
Women are naturally shy, if she is talking to you,
she most probably is into you, and is to shy to make
the first move, further seeing that she is into you,
the reason her words may not make sense is that she
is most likely speaking in sexual euphemisms.

Hmmm, Lawnmower of Shame...
Ah I got it now.

-Aries




LadyHibiscus -> RE: Just TALK, gawds damns it! (10/5/2012 11:58:52 PM)

Alas, the Lawnmower of Shame.[&o]. Maybe 20 year ago, my mom travelled a lot for work, and one time when she was on a trip, my dad said we needed a new lawnmower, and I should go get one. (Mom usually does that stuff.). So, I shopped around, and ended up with a good lawnmower, a decent trade in on the dead one, and it was delivered to my door assembled.

Turns out, my mom never approved this purchase. She was furious.

SCAMMED BY MY DAD.

It is a good lawnmower, we still have it. We also have a lawn service.

Such is my sad tale.

The moral of course, is that men can't be trusted.



ARIES83 -> RE: Just TALK, gawds damns it! (10/6/2012 12:24:27 AM)

My gawd!
He's like a puppet master.
[sm=jaw.gif]



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Just TALK, gawds damns it! (10/6/2012 12:32:17 AM)

I am a good Italian daughter! It's a damn fine lawnmower. SHE LEFT HIM WITH A CREDIT CARD!!




ARIES83 -> RE: Just TALK, gawds damns it! (10/6/2012 12:35:47 AM)

How traumatising...



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Just TALK, gawds damns it! (10/6/2012 12:37:40 AM)

It WAS. I am still appalled that he would scam me like that. I'm just damn glad that I got a good price. And no delivery charge!




LaTigresse -> RE: Just TALK, gawds damns it! (10/6/2012 5:58:11 AM)

Lesson learned.......always check with the boss. Mom[:D]



kalikshama -> RE: Just TALK, gawds damns it! (10/6/2012 6:06:40 AM)

FR,

I am taking a listening class at my church and in the first week we covered Barriers to Listening. The ones below aren't exactly the same but they are similar. The daydreaming one is a major reason why M and I are no longer a couple. He was worse though - he'd look at his laptop or the TV when I was trying to talk to him. We are now living together platonically and when I need to talk to him I IM him or corner him when he is outside for a smoke.

I like to problem solve, but realize that some of my friends just want to vent, so when I notice myself about to offer advice, I ask them if they just wanted to vent or want me to help them problem solve. I'll also alert my mother when I don't want her to give advice, but just listen.

Five Common Barriers to Listening

Does your partner complain that you don’t listen to them? Have you been scouring the bookstore looking for relationship advice on what do to? Perhaps the reason your partner doesn’t feel you’re a good listener is because you’re blocking communication in your conversations without even knowing it. Here are five common barriers to listening (McKay, Fanning, Paleg, 2006) that partners fall into:

1. Mind reading. When you’re looking your partner up and down for body language instead of listening to what they have to say, you’re guilty of trying to read your partner’s mind. This particular action is especially hard for girlfriends to refrain from doing. Women spend their whole lives majoring in reading facial cues and body language. Therefore, it’s hard not to pull this handy trick out when their boyfriend is telling them something.

Problem: This takes the act of listening and throws it away. It sends a message of distrust and disregard in its place.

2. Rehearsing. You spend the entire time your partner is talking rehearsing what you’re going to say next.

Problem: Unless you’re a lawyer performing in a courtroom, this act is incredibly damaging to most conversations. It blinds you to what your partner is saying because you’re not focused on what they have to say.

3. Daydreaming. You’ve had a long day at work and as soon as your girlfriend starts talking about her day, you let your mind wander. You add in a “Really?” and “Uh-huh” while she talks, but you have no idea whether she told you she got a promotion or if her boss asked her to buy him a 5-foot-long chocolate bunny.

Problem: Your partner knows when you’re not actively listening and it indicates, more often than not, that she’s boring you.

4. Filtering. “That’s a beautiful dress … but I thought you were going to wear the red one?” The only word you heard was BUT. The compliment didn’t even make it to the final round of your attention. Instead, you’re wondering why your boyfriend even mentioned the other dress. Perhaps it’s because he secretly prefers it?

Problem: The act of paying attention to certain words and not others is called filtering. Nothing leads to more miscommunications than this. That’s why you should stop filtering out your partner’s words and hear all of them before you make your next move.

5. Advising. The moment your partner tells you about a problem, you cut them off and offer up a solution. This is understandable. You hate to see your partner struggle and you’re more than ready to help them solve any problems they’re facing.

Problem: Sometimes all your partner wants is someone to hear them. They don’t need a solution, they need to voice and face their feelings before they can even think of fixing them.



GreedyTop -> RE: Just TALK, gawds damns it! (10/6/2012 6:32:39 AM)

Thanks for that, KK.

I can see myself in several of those.



Duskypearls -> RE: Just TALK, gawds damns it! (10/6/2012 7:58:34 AM)

Good post, Kali, one from which we could all benefit, especially.

For example, I was recently VERY guilty of #5, (and I don't think I've been forgiven yet), when I tried to do what I thought would be most helpful to a poster on here. That dear person asked for opinons on why they were receiving a certain kind of response to their profile.

Tho' I am female, for some reason my brain kicked into the male-like, left-brained, "Be honest and help her solve her problem mode, I mean she asked for help, after all." BIG MISTAKE! Needless to say, it did not go over well.

I honestly thought I was giving her what she asked for. I guess I really must work more on being in my female right brain. It is my hope said poster will come to realize my intentions were good, that I meant no harm, will recognize this as ownership of my faux pas, will accept this as an apology, and come to forgive me.

Whaddya say, girl, can we make peace?



LaTigresse -> RE: Just TALK, gawds damns it! (10/6/2012 9:36:28 AM)

Dusky...I am the same way, but less periodically and more consistantly. It really is the way my brain works. The more emotional and dramatic the issue, the more I go into none emotional, cold, how can this be solved.......mode. It's how I deal with my own shit. I feel I cannot allow emotion to rule. I have to make good decisions based on facts. I am also a person that wants clear communication about expectations. If I don't get it, then I don't feel others have a legitimate gripe about the outcome.

That just doesn't make for easy friendships with women. There just seem to be too many unspoken assumptions and expectations. Then the passive aggressive manipulation shit kicks in. I absolutely hate that. It brings out the worst in me. It's one behaviour that I really struggle to deal with in any sort of positive way.



Duskypearls -> RE: Just TALK, gawds damns it! (10/6/2012 10:00:25 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Dusky...I am the same way, but less periodically and more consistantly. It really is the way my brain works. The more emotional and dramatic the issue, the more I go into none emotional, cold, how can this be solved.......mode. It's how I deal with my own shit. I feel I cannot allow emotion to rule. I have to make good decisions based on facts. I am also a person that wants clear communication about expectations. If I don't get it, then I don't feel others have a legitimate gripe about the outcome.

That just doesn't make for easy friendships with women. There just seem to be too many unspoken assumptions and expectations. Then the passive aggressive manipulation shit kicks in. I absolutely hate that. It brings out the worst in me. It's one behaviour that I really struggle to deal with in any sort of positive way.


Good of you to say so, LaT. I'm constantly amazed by how much the loss of estrogen, in menopause, has changed my way of thinking/feeling/responding. Before it, I used go waaay overboard in the emotion department (internally, at least). Now I seem to go a bit overboard in the rational department at times. While it is makes things a whole lot less stressful for me to identify problems, find solutions, and not get washed away/drowned by loose-horse emotions, I find it sometimes presents problems when dealing w/others. Sometimes it even astounds me how absolutely "sterile and surgical" I have become!

I completely understand their frustration with me, when this occurs, for I was the same way most of my life. While I loved being an emotional being, I hated the way I had learned to allow it to derail much of my life. Since then, I realize how bloody self-sabotaging it was, regardless of how true, real, or authentic it felt at the time. Now, finally (and not a moment too soon, I must add), I realize how facts are NOT feelings, and I really should not let them rule/derail my life. Seems to be about my biggest life lesson, this time around.

One good thing out of it, tho', is it helps me to far better understand how many men think/feel/react in the same way, and how frustrated they get when all they want to do is help a gal with her professed problem, yet when he gives her the solution, he get's shot down for it. Poor fella's, I feel for ya!

I really must more consciously work on this, or I run the risk of becoming a social pariah! Lawdy, Lawdy, people, please forgive me for what I do not yet know, and the faux pas I make as a result. There are things in which I am still in the infant stage. No harm intended.



LaTigresse -> RE: Just TALK, gawds damns it! (10/6/2012 10:06:08 AM)

Dusky, I am glad that you still have the give a damn. It will likely make things easier on you.

Somehow I lost my give a damn factor a decade or two ago. It's not that I don't care about people, it's just that my 'rational' (to me) way of thinking, seems so much better that I really sincerely feel that if those overly emotional twits (what tends to go through my head when faced with them) cannot 'just fucking deal!' and see the superiour way of coping with life, then I haven't the patience to put up with them.

It's not that I want to run about with this apparent superiority complex, it's just that my way feels so much like the right way. I cannot imagine not wanting to join in.

I am weird. Even to me.



Duskypearls -> RE: Just TALK, gawds damns it! (10/6/2012 10:54:59 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

Dusky, I am glad that you still have the give a damn. It will likely make things easier on you. Let us hope so.

Somehow I lost my give a damn factor a decade or two ago. It's not that I don't care about people, it's just that my 'rational' (to me) way of thinking, seems so much better that I really sincerely feel that if those overly emotional twits (what tends to go through my head when faced with them) cannot 'just fucking deal!' and see the superiour way of coping with life, then I haven't the patience to put up with them. I understand, and most people probably felt very much the same way about me, many moons ago. It seemed so right to me at the time. It's not that I want to run about with this apparent superiority complex, it's just that my way feels so much like the right way. I cannot imagine not wanting to join in. Understood, and now that I'm on your side, I could not agree more, and often wonder, "What the foo was I thinking," back then. I truly had NO idea how much it mucked things up for me and others, and now negatively it affected EVERY aspect of my life, but it was all I knew, and all I knew how to do. I had NO clue there was any other way of being, and was constantly confused and frustrated as to why I was forever in conflict with others, never getting anywhere with anything, and with great speed, I might add. I was painfully ignorant, thinking it was everyone else's problem, and thought they were dangerously unfeeling. Took a long time to figure out it was I who was "over feeling." I had no clue the mucking fess I was and made around me. How very blind I was, and offer a public apology to all in my life who were ever harmed or pained by it.

I am weird. Even to me. Not to me, darlin'. I like ya, and your ways of thinking/processing/reacting. I may even model myself after you, from time to time.



kitkat105 -> RE: Just TALK, gawds damns it! (10/6/2012 7:12:27 PM)

FR:

Talking or open communication requires people to actually problem solve through any issues.

People are lazy and want the answers given to them.



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