RE: finding myself (Full Version)

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LillyBoPeep -> RE: finding myself (10/6/2012 8:29:26 AM)

Can any one guarantee that s/he will be in control at any given time from now until forever? That's a little unreasonable if you ask me.
Doms are humans and make mistakes.

This person is a young guy who admits he doesn't know everything, mentions an issue he is having, and is looking for advice on how to overcome that. Sounds okay to me.

This would only become a problem if he said "welp, if i can't beat, i'll just go with it," and proceeded to act in an uncontrollable way at any time, anywhere.

But to me, I can expect that a Dominant will be in control, but I can also expect that, if something goes awry, they will own up to it and work together to fix it. I don't expect them to guarantee that they will never make a mistake.



GreedyTop -> RE: finding myself (10/6/2012 8:39:00 AM)

Lilly, did you see this bit?

quote:

Overwhelming to me is when I feel powerful. And I can and will do anything I want. If it means hitting you beyond your limits or to cause large amounts of pain and discomfort I will. And I enjoy it. And it overwhelms me in a sence that I won't want to stop and I won't stop till my partner yells at me getting my full focus.


to me this speaks of not being willing/able to control himself enough to PAY ATTENTION to what is actually going on.

Yes, mentoring COULD help, but I agree, he needs to seek therapy based on some of his other posts.



JanahX -> RE: finding myself (10/6/2012 8:46:47 AM)

You master it by growing up. Theres a reason there is a saying - young, dumb and full of cum. The older you get, the better you'll be able to handle life and lifes situations. When you get all agitated - stop yourself and tell yourself to SLOW down. I dont think it has anything to do with a Master doing anything to you as much as you need to first take control of yourself.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LtDrygon

Thank you all for your concern. However youj seem to have failed the grasp why I'm here. I wish to control. I wish to learn so that in the future I can. I both undertand the knowledge you are providing me and it is all excellent.and maybe I should have remarked that this isn't an everytime occurance. It doesn't even happen half the time. But it does happen. Though like I said I won't dispute any of your opinions cause overall you are right but that's the whole point of being here.

Is there a dom who knows what I'm going through? How did you master it?

I am willing to do anything to beat this thing. If it means a master punishing me this way so that I learn the lesson or just to practice. I just want to be a better partner for my partner. So please try to understand why I'm here while. And what I'm trying to do.




Duskypearls -> RE: finding myself (10/6/2012 8:54:29 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LtDrygon

Thank you all for your concern. However youj seem to have failed the grasp why I'm here. I wish to control. I wish to learn so that in the future I can. I both undertand the knowledge you are providing me and it is all excellent.and maybe I should have remarked that this isn't an everytime occurance. It doesn't even happen half the time. But it does happen. Though like I said I won't dispute any of your opinions cause overall you are right but that's the whole point of being here.

Is there a dom who knows what I'm going through? How did you master it?

I am willing to do anything to beat this thing. If it means a master punishing me this way so that I learn the lesson or just to practice. I just want to be a better partner for my partner. So please try to understand why I'm here while. And what I'm trying to do.


Learn to control yourself first. Self discipline. We all have strong, sometimes overwhelming urges. Whether we give them full rein or not depends upon our willingness to ask enough of ourselves when we know we shouldn't. Mastering those urges, rather than being mastered by them, is the goal. Who's the boss? Who rules whom? You or the urges? You get to choose, and if you choose the urges, it means you are lying and playing weak and victim to them, and not willing to do the work to turn it around. It's a choice, a decision, an action, a responsibility to self and others. To do otherwise make you a menace to yourself, and society at large.



LaTigresse -> RE: finding myself (10/6/2012 9:18:01 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LtDrygon

Here are my objectives for this thread. I thought I might add.

To find out if I'm a sub or dom.
If dom how to control that overwhelming desire.
To gain new insight about alifestyle I am interested in
If a sub or dom to gain knowledge to be better at it


First of all I want you to understand that my words have no hidden agenda, no intent of snark or belittlement. I have a habit of speaking and writing succinctly and that often gets taken wrongly. I am going to try very hard to avoid you misunderstanding me.

You are young. You are at a point in life where hormones rule. You are at a point in life where the hormones urges are stronger than the self control and maturity. Emotionally and mentally, you are insecure and immature. Again, do NOT take that as a slam. It isn't. It's just a fact.

Based upon very little information I am going to bet that you've not had an easy childhood and have a lot of buried rage within you. That, combined with the stuff I wrote about above makes you potentially dangerous. Not just to others but also to yourself.

I am going to suggest something we on here suggest A LOT. Get involved in a local BDSM community and get to know the older and more experienced members. Those that have been doing this shit a long time. Those of both genders as well as dominant and submissive. Listen, watch.... especially to the people that bug you the most. Find people that have power exchange relationships that have been successful for long periods of time. Learn from them. See what makes their relationships work. Get to know good tops and bottoms and see what makes them good. See why certain tops are respected and looked up to.

You are going to make mistakes and fuck shit up. We all have and we all will. The key is to avoid the fuck ups that will seriously fuck you or someone else up. You do this shit wrong and you can end up in a very bad place. A life altering bad place. You don't have to be one of those people. You can be, but you don't have to be.

Also, therapy is not a bad thing. There are kink aware professionals. Getting involved in a local BDSM comunity can assist you in finding them. Also, just calling them and asking won't kill you. You remind me of my youngest brother in many ways. He just got out of rehab where he finally found help in dealing with shit he suffered as a kid. It took 3 decades of misery to get there. Booze wasn't the answer for him and BDSM isn't the answer for you.

You need to do a lot of growing up, to learn to let go of the garbage of your past.....for you and for those you will be in relationships with and be playing with. As a top/dominant you need to be able to control your passions and violence. Both for yourself and for those that cede control over to you. As a bottom/submissive you need to understand yourself and not be in it to punish yourself for whatever sins you may feel you've committed or whatever you feel you may be lacking as a man.

You are not still a boy but you are not yet a man. Surround yourself with top notch male role models. They won't always be gentle with you but don't get defensive. You need the guidance a good man can offer you.

What I've written may be way off base. If it is, you won't be bothered by it. If it bothers you, go look in a mirror and ask yourself why.

Some here will trot out the 'you are still young/a kid, etc' as a slam. Let it run off your back. Being young and immature is not a bad thing. We've ALL BEEN THERE. Enjoy your youth but don't fuck it up. There are a lot of people more than twice your age that are clueless bints. Age doesn't mean wisdom. It CAN, but it's not guaranteed. We've also seen many wise and fabulous young people here that could teach some of the older crew a lot.

Stick around. There are very good people here.

And relax, have fun. Learn to laugh at yourself and the rest of us. We have some real clowns running around here. Either intentially or accidentally.



sexyred1 -> RE: finding myself (10/6/2012 9:19:42 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LtDrygon

to me knowing what either or those terms mean I've been both dom and sub sexually. However never any further. But through that small experience to me a dom has almost all control. And sub has almost none. But then again I'm very unexperienced but this is why I wish to either have a master or a master willing to teach.

Overwhelming to me is when I feel powerful. And I can and will do anything I want. If it means hitting you beyond your limits or to cause large amounts of pain and discomfort I will. And I enjoy it. And it overwhelms me in a sence that I won't want to stop and I won't stop till my partner yells at me getting my full focus.

I don't know if its being resentful. But maybe its the idea of being controled or placed in someones own will. To not have control of myself. That I start to fight back.


My first bolded line is your first misconception. Both partners have a degree of power, that is exchanged. So don't think everything is black and white. That is a novice way of thinking.'

The rest of your post is just scary. You cannot enter into any of this with the thought that you will be overwhelmed and go too far and that you will rely on your partner screaming at you to gain focus.

I would advice you to not engage in any of this until you learn more about D/s and most of all, about yourself.



Alecta -> RE: finding myself (10/6/2012 9:37:44 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep
This would only become a problem if he said "welp, if i can't beat, i'll just go with it," and proceeded to act in an uncontrollable way at any time, anywhere.


But from where I'm standing, he is saying exactly that and showing tendencies of doing exactly that but with the added danger of not realising that he is.

Sometimes we respond to questions and posts from strangers with "worst case" assumptions. But considering the worst case is he snaps during some play session because he is either too out of it to put the brakes on things before it gets there or trying to "prove himself" somehow and injures or harms someone or himself, (I'm not going to go as far as to say death), I consider what he is getting to be sound.



JanahX -> RE: finding myself (10/6/2012 10:08:34 AM)

Dood - youre going to end up in jail.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LtDrygon

Overwhelming to me is when I feel powerful. And I can and will do anything I want. If it means hitting you beyond your limits or to cause large amounts of pain and discomfort I will. And I enjoy it. And it overwhelms me in a sence that I won't want to stop and I won't stop till my partner yells at me getting my full focus.

I don't know if its being resentful. But maybe its the idea of being controled or placed in someones own will. To not have control of myself. That I start to fight back.




Duskypearls -> RE: finding myself (10/6/2012 11:09:08 AM)

Gawdayum, you are brilliant, girl! Phenomenal post. Brava! I suspect nearly everything you said will have substance and meaning for the OP.

And OP, if any of this hits a chord, please take note, and positive action. You might search long, far and wide before you find another such brilliant and generous offering.



LtDrygon -> RE: finding myself (10/6/2012 11:25:22 AM)

Itb is unfortunate. I do know two people in the life style howeverthey are more seclusive and they let me watch but she didn't like it so I wasn't to particpate. But I haven't found anyone who is interested or willing to do one on one or do a small or large group. I really wish to find people locally but I haven't gotten resorces of any kind. I ask the couple but they never give me any info.

I do wish to thank you for seeing my side. I was going to wonder if this thread was pointless. Though its not like I can go out and pick up a girl or guy and just go for it. I'll be honest I'm not completly comfortable with a guy yet I think its cool. And I would like to just a little new to it.



Alecta -> RE: finding myself (10/6/2012 11:34:18 AM)

There's a FAQ in one of the stickies about how to meet people in the lifestyle, I think. If there isn't one there needs to be one, it gets repeated so often.
The TL;Dr version:
Join fetlife and search for gatherings and social groups in yours and surrounding cities or google "munch <your city>" and look for the ones run by BDSM social groups.



LtDrygon -> RE: finding myself (10/6/2012 3:09:41 PM)

I feel you are totally not understanding about this thread. Or you read certain detail and forget the others. I understand what you are saying and I like what you said about being a sub first however.... I've already said this may have not gotten accrossed as so but I did. And to be supervised it was applied when I said I wanted to be trained by a master (mistress) doesn't really matter. And I'm trying to be precausious why do you think I'm here trying to talk about it? I don't want to go overboard. I want to have a funtional life with my partner. I can have a funtional vanilla relationship cause I already understand the basis to its fullest. I want to control this occasional outburst. Again it doesn't happen all the time.



LtDrygon -> RE: finding myself (10/6/2012 3:14:25 PM)

Thank you. I do understand I'm not there yet and I don't feel I will unless taught so. I don't want to rush into it. I know the conssequences in it if I do. And I don't want that. I do thank you again for not bursting into some rant on me being a bad guy.



LtDrygon -> RE: finding myself (10/6/2012 3:20:54 PM)

I do want to give you a major thanks for recognizing my intension its nice to know that not everyone is going after mecause I mention a problem which stated I wanted to work on. I really do appreciate it. And you are right there are no guarentees and should be worked on toether. [image][/image]
quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep

Can any one guarantee that s/he will be in control at any given time from now until forever? That's a little unreasonable if you ask me.
Doms are humans and make mistakes.

This person is a young guy who admits he doesn't know everything, mentions an issue he is having, and is looking for advice on how to overcome that. Sounds okay to me.

This would only become a problem if he said "welp, if i can't beat, i'll just go with it," and proceeded to act in an uncontrollable way at any time, anywhere.

But to me, I can expect that a Dominant will be in control, but I can also expect that, if something goes awry, they will own up to it and work together to fix it. I don't expect them to guarantee that they will never make a mistake.



LtDrygon -> RE: finding myself (10/6/2012 3:33:48 PM)

Ouch... I do hear what your saying and it is true. However. Again why I'm here. I'm not doing this for shits and giggles. I understand I'm a strong person and as earlier posts said I don't like being controled so I'm willing to work on it. I don't know feels like I'm repeating myself over and over again. And the refusal to sit back and trying to fit in my shoes to see what I want to do. I see where you coming from. You saw some info I spilt out and figured there all a bad guy. Not the case at all. I'm taking steps to resolve this issue. Though others say therepy. I say no. Only cause i 've see therepists who say the exact same thing. I'm fully funtional and nothing mentally disturbing. Yes I can get to be a dark person and saw things that might question my stability. But you don't know the character of person I am. Your going off words. Judging me before understanding. And anything I say will be overlooked cause most people concentrate on bad then good.

Ps I used this message to reply a few people



LtDrygon -> RE: finding myself (10/6/2012 3:48:29 PM)

Thank you for the resorces. I appreciate very kindly.



littlewonder -> RE: finding myself (10/6/2012 4:16:15 PM)

You know, nothing anyone says here is going to get you to see anything at all. Each time you will just come back and say "You don't understand", "no one understands me" .

Good luck with that.



LaTigresse -> RE: finding myself (10/6/2012 4:32:12 PM)

What he doesn't realize is that many of us understand all too well.

I didn't just pop out of the ground and decide I was going to be totally in control sadist evil mother fucker AFTER I grew up some and learned to control myself.



LtDrygon -> RE: finding myself (10/6/2012 5:08:57 PM)

I feelmost of you are being over critical. About the situation. You see something that seems unethical in this lifestyle blow it into this monumental disaster and critisize me. Maybe I should reveal a little light. The last time this happened was almost three years ago. This isn't something that all the sudden just happened. I know that not all of you didn't decide to yeah let's sprout wings and go. But I see the lack of foresight on me. I'm laying these precaustions down now. I'm not jumping into this with a blindfold. I'm trying to be careful. And you all assume I need therepy, I shouldn't use this as a personal therepy,or not to do it cause I might have evil intentions. I'm doing this cause I feel that maybe I can do this its apart of me. Maybe I'm phrasing it wrong. But all the same. I'm a pretty mature male. I've grown up a lot since I last did this. I want to go back into it with causion and wearyness so that I can learn to be a better dom. Or to be a sub. if you understood then why all this critical analysis and bashing? (Not all but most) I want advice. Resorces and other ways to help. I wanted this forum to be something helpful not something discouraging. In the end the desicion is mine. However if I have to keep saying this over and over again cause no one seems to want to read it. I AM GOING TO BE CAUSIOUS. I want a dom to train me. I want there to be someone to watch me. To look for signs. I will probably catch them now. However it would be mice to learn tips from great doms. Get advise from subs. Hell how do I know I'm not some rebelious sub? Or maybe I am just a switch. There is no particular place to pick for me. Its all trial and error at this point. But with the right advise and encouragement how do any of you know what I will become. (Most of you) discourage me from this lifestyle but I say naa, cause if I'm obviously not supposed to do this I'm sure the person teaching me will say so. None of you have ever had a one on one convo with me. None of you know who I am. So I leave this forum disappointed that there was less empowering people who is willing to help subside this behavior. What this message might mean to people is not the same that it means to me.



Alecta -> RE: finding myself (10/6/2012 5:21:50 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LtDrygon

I feel you are totally not understanding about this thread. Or you read certain detail and forget the others. I understand what you are saying and I like what you said about being a sub first however.... I've already said this may have not gotten accrossed as so but I did. And to be supervised it was applied when I said I wanted to be trained by a master (mistress) doesn't really matter. And I'm trying to be precausious why do you think I'm here trying to talk about it? I don't want to go overboard. I want to have a funtional life with my partner. I can have a funtional vanilla relationship cause I already understand the basis to its fullest. I want to control this occasional outburst. Again it doesn't happen all the time.



I think we're misunderstanding each other.

My answers to you have been geared very much towards bedroom/play activities as opposed to a D/s lifestyle because that is what it seems your idea of a BDSM relationship is.

When I said to be a sub first, I mean to take the sub for each new activity and every new partner you encounter first, and only switch to the Dom role after you have learnt everything you can about that particular activity. Not for you to spend x amount of time as a full time sub/slave before you "graduate" to Dom; that is a conversation for another type of BDSM. It is my opinion that the best way to learn about a BDSM activity is to experience it at the hands of a good Dom/me first, until you can tell with absolute certainty what the steps and safety precautions are to the activity and how it will feel when you do it to someone else. If you have not been beaten by a paddle to the strength extent of how you would use it, you would not know how it feels.

As for supervision, no, that was unclear. To me it sounded like you were looking for someone to help you so that it's basically just you and them, two people, in the room. I'm saying that there should be a third, a "moderator" who is not your Master.

I'm telling you to get professional help for your control issues because we in the lifestyle are not trained professionals, just people who like to play rough. We can tell you what signs to look for to tell if someone is choking, or bleeding, or in shock, but it's not professional information and it is not going to help with your own emotional control issues. I.E BDSM is not going to teach you HOW to control yourself. You need to learn that from a therapist. BDSM is not going to help you MANAGE your issues. You need to do that for yourself. BDSM can be a controlled outlet for certain tendencies, BUT first must come the control.

For god's sake I'm not saying "get help you're a sicko and can't hold a functional relationship", I'm saying "BDSM will not teach you to calm down and get control of your emotions, but a good therapist can". I am also telling you that if you cannot already control the occasional outburst, you should not allow yourself to be put in a position to seriously hurt someone if you should have an outburst. It is irresponsible, like driving a car with iffy brakes.

Got it?



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