RE: finding myself (Full Version)

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LaTigresse -> RE: finding myself (10/6/2012 5:39:30 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LtDrygon

I feelmost of you are being over critical. About the situation. You see something that seems unethical in this lifestyle blow it into this monumental disaster and critisize me. Maybe I should reveal a little light. The last time this happened was almost three years ago. This isn't something that all the sudden just happened. I know that not all of you didn't decide to yeah let's sprout wings and go. But I see the lack of foresight on me. I'm laying these precaustions down now. I'm not jumping into this with a blindfold. I'm trying to be careful. And you all assume I need therepy, I shouldn't use this as a personal therepy,or not to do it cause I might have evil intentions. I'm doing this cause I feel that maybe I can do this its apart of me. Maybe I'm phrasing it wrong. But all the same. I'm a pretty mature male. I've grown up a lot since I last did this. I want to go back into it with causion and wearyness so that I can learn to be a better dom. Or to be a sub. if you understood then why all this critical analysis and bashing? (Not all but most) I want advice. Resorces and other ways to help. I wanted this forum to be something helpful not something discouraging. In the end the desicion is mine. However if I have to keep saying this over and over again cause no one seems to want to read it. I AM GOING TO BE CAUSIOUS. I want a dom to train me. I want there to be someone to watch me. To look for signs. I will probably catch them now. However it would be mice to learn tips from great doms. Get advise from subs. Hell how do I know I'm not some rebelious sub? Or maybe I am just a switch. There is no particular place to pick for me. Its all trial and error at this point. But with the right advise and encouragement how do any of you know what I will become. (Most of you) discourage me from this lifestyle but I say naa, cause if I'm obviously not supposed to do this I'm sure the person teaching me will say so. None of you have ever had a one on one convo with me. None of you know who I am. So I leave this forum disappointed that there was less empowering people who is willing to help subside this behavior. What this message might mean to people is not the same that it means to me.


Then your reading comprehension SUCKS.

Pull the cob out of your ass. Quit being so fucking defensive and pay attention.

Now THAT, you can get all pissy about because it was written in a 'being critical' way. I am being critical of your inability to fucking read and be aware when people ARE TRYING TO BE HELPFUL.

If you are going to get defensive and ignore the good shit you are being given here, then you ARE IMMATURE.

Pull you head out of your ass and pay attention. What you are asking for, you are being given.

On the other hand, we are not baby sitters. You will not be spoon fed pablum and pat on the head, told 'good boy' and given cookies to make you feel better when you throw a tantrum. We will give you a virtual smack upside the head and tell you to knock it off. So yeah, knock it off. If you are as mature as you say you are.......fucking prove it by removing that head from your ass, knock the chip off your shoulder and pay attention.



LtDrygon -> RE: finding myself (10/6/2012 5:41:00 PM)

I believe you are righ there was some misunderstanding. I am very well aware of my enotions. I actually got those under control. I know when its time to walk away. Yes it took about 2 years to get that kind of control but they are pretty well managed. Not perfect. But no one is. This is one of the reasons why I believe I can be better at it. And some of the stuff doesn't apply to you. If correct you gave me resorces. You were a promoter am talking about those who think i' some sick man/woman beater. I feel I have matured to that level of expectations. However I am just trying to be weary about what has happen before. Cause I don't want that. I don't think its likely to happen but again not perfect. It could.



littlewonder -> RE: finding myself (10/6/2012 5:47:02 PM)

quote:

I don't think its likely to happen but again not perfect. It could.


Exactly.

That's the problem.



LtDrygon -> RE: finding myself (10/6/2012 5:52:46 PM)

Your right maybe my comprehension does suck. Was never a good reader. Nor did I read much. Plus I am using a phone so that might not be helping. Sorry I don't have a computer.

You could be right but then again I wasn't talking about you. You chose to recanter your statment in that long message of yours. However maybe bopeep is right. We can't hear each others tones of physical appearance so its taken out of context. But I do not want to use this as an accuse. So if anyway. I apologize in anyway helpful I'll gladly give it to you and the others who I may have misunderstood.

Oh by the way..... I hate being treated like a child. I don't plan on anyone spoon feeding or giving me cookies. I don't need to be spoiled.or be some infant who needs to suck on somones tit everytime I turn around



LtDrygon -> RE: finding myself (10/6/2012 5:55:08 PM)

Have you ever gotten so mad that you hit the wall or hit someone? Have you ever slit your wrists cause you were down and depressed. Have you ever done something drastic in the sake of your emotions?



littlewonder -> RE: finding myself (10/6/2012 6:00:38 PM)

No, no, no and no.

If I felt like that I'd be committing myself. Seriously and no I'm not joking. I'm completely serious. You need help.



LaTigresse -> RE: finding myself (10/6/2012 6:03:44 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LtDrygon

Have you ever gotten so mad that you hit the wall or hit someone? YES Have you ever slit your wrists cause you were down and depressed. NO, I've been a mother since I was 16, responsibility and all that rot. Have you ever done something drastic in the sake of your emotions? YES


But not in years. Many many years. To you, I am OLD. But to me, age has quite a few benefits. Supreme self control and knowing my own weaknesses. Using my strengths. Knowing when I might get in over my head and how to avoid it.........just to name a few.

And, kudos to you for sticking around and not running off like a pissy kid. It is an admirable thing. I really do hope you stick around. There are some cool people here.



Alecta -> RE: finding myself (10/6/2012 6:21:16 PM)

LW is right, and I'm saying this because my answers to your questions are all yes. And I'm being childish by upping the ante: Have you almost killed someone because you were so worked up you didn't realise what you're doing? Have you ever intentionally tried to kill or maim someone because you were angry at them? Have you ever had entire arguments and fistfights and walked away with no honest recollections of it (without having been hit in the head)?

Sure, it sounds overprotective and fussy to repeatedly tell you to be careful, but here's the truth about parental style nagging. Only about 10% of whatever an authority figure warns you about is going to sink in, especially in your age group. It's the combination of your hormonal state and life experience at fault. And knowing this is why we repeat ourselves so that eventually 10% of it sinks in and sticks with you. Meanwhile, it'll all sound somewhat extreme, repetitive and horribly maligning. We're just adjusting for the 90%.

I understand you are saying you think BDSM will help you learn to control yourself. Trust me, it doesn't and I'm sorry, there are wonderful people in the lifestyle and some very knowledgeable ones, but they do not have the right knowledge and experience to help you or even, in most cases, try.

The third or fourth time someone tries to tap you on the shoulder and tell you to tone down you're going to think "fuck you, what do you know about where I'm at? I'm fine. Don't force your limits on me". And then you'll go off the grid seeking the company of those who'll enable you because the other guys just aren't getting it. But enablers of people with emotional and psychological issues are usually abusive themselves and will either twist you off into a bender because it's cool, or because it's funny, or because it benefits them somehow. You will be taken advantage of. You will take advantage of other people. You will be abused and abuse others back. It is a vicious cycle you don't want to get stuck in. You will do headstrong things and make stupid decisions that you may or may not regret but most assuredly be embarrassed about afterwards.

Aware is not the same as control. 80% control is not the same as 100% control. Being sometimes be able to realise what you're doing and walk away isn't control; control is being able to pull yourself all the way back regardless of whether you agree you should or not. You're on the way there, if what you've said about handling it is true, but believe me, you cannot do it all on your own, however strong or smart or mature you think you are. Give yourself the chance and tools to succeed.



JanahX -> RE: finding myself (10/6/2012 6:29:35 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LtDrygon
I'm laying these precaustions down now. I'm not jumping into this with a blindfold. I'm trying to be careful. And you all assume I need therepy, I shouldn't use this as a personal therepy,or not to do it cause I might have evil intentions. I'm doing this cause I feel that maybe I can do this its apart of me. Maybe I'm phrasing it wrong. But all the same. I'm a pretty mature male.


Oh Reallyyyy.... did you type that with a straight face after you just finished writing this?

quote:

Overwhelming to me is when I feel powerful. And I can and will do anything I want. If it means hitting you beyond your limits or to cause large amounts of pain and discomfort I will. And I enjoy it. And it overwhelms me in a sence that I won't want to stop and I won't stop till my partner yells at me getting my full focus.

I don't know if its being resentful. But maybe its the idea of being controled or placed in someones own will. To not have control of myself. That I start to fight back.


And then this:

quote:

if you understood then why all this critical analysis and bashing? (Not all but most) I want advice


Sorry if the panel is not pampering you enough ... heres a binkey and a diaper.

quote:

I wanted this forum to be something helpful not something discouraging.


Its nice to want isnt it?

quote:

In the end the desicion is mine.


no shit Sherlock

quote:

However if I have to keep saying this over and over again cause no one seems to want to read it. I AM GOING TO BE CAUSIOUS. I want a dom to train me. I want there to be someone to watch me.


I,I,I,I, - Me, me, me, me. Its all about me. I have a three year old niece that does that.

quote:

Hell how do I know I'm not some rebelious sub? Or maybe I am just a switch. There is no particular place to pick for me. Its all trial and error at this point. But with the right advise and encouragement how do any of you know what I will become?


I know I certainly dont know -and I also know I certainly dont care either.

quote:

(Most of you) discourage me from this lifestyle but I say naa, cause if I'm obviously not supposed to do this I'm sure the person teaching me will say so.


You have someone teaching you? Hmmmm then what are you doing here? Why dont you ask them?

quote:

None of you have ever had a one on one convo with me.


We are right now.

quote:

None of you know who I am. So I leave this forum disappointed that there was less empowering people who is willing to help subside this behavior. What this message might mean to people is not the same that it means to me.


I doubt anyone in this thread is a licenced psychiatrist which is exactly what you need.
See ya - wouldnt want ta be ya.

p.s. - you need a dictionary. BADLY.



kalikshama -> RE: finding myself (10/6/2012 6:30:45 PM)

quote:

Have you ever gotten so mad that you hit the wall or hit someone? Have you ever slit your wrists cause you were down and depressed. Have you ever done something drastic in the sake of your emotions?

I hope you don't come back and say that was years ago too, as you did with this:

quote:

Overwhelming to me is when I feel powerful. And I can and will do anything I want. If it means hitting you beyond your limits or to cause large amounts of pain and discomfort I will. And I enjoy it. And it overwhelms me in a sence that I won't want to stop and I won't stop till my partner yells at me getting my full focus.


You are writing NOW about out-of-control feelings and actions. It doesn't matter if they happened years ago, they are present for you today. I recommend both talk therapy and a physical discipline like Power Yoga/Ashtanga.

Here's a CD by a psychotherapist and yoga teacher that describes how we can use psychology and yoga philosophy to manage strong emotions. There are no actual yoga postures on this CD - disk 1 is philosophy and disk 2 is guided meditations based on disk 1. Sections 8 or 9 through 11 of disk 1 describe how one's yoga posture practice can help manage strong emotions:

http://www.amazon.com/Yoga-Emotional-Flow-Stephen-Cope/dp/1591790530

More than 4,000 years ago, the early masters of yoga made an astonishing discovery: before we can find true happiness, we must first learn how to be open to the energy of our emotions. On Yoga for Emotional Flow, Stephen Cope, psychotherapist and Senior Scholar-in-Residence at Kripalu, the largest yoga center in America, presents a life-changing strategy for "riding the wave" in even the most challenging emotional situation. Cope details the psychology behind the difficult circumstances we create for ourselves through improper handling of our feelings, and shares the prescription for effectively relating to anger, fear, grief, joy, and others from a yogic point of view. Through breathing and visualization techniques used successfully by thousands of his students, Cope offers listeners practical tips for day-to-day emotional balance; lessons in awakening the "witness consciousness"--a nonjudgmental vantage point for welcoming emotions; steps for clearing the field at the end of each day, and more.

For the yogi, there are no "bad" feelings--only unskillful responses to our ever-changing emotional states. Yoga for Emotional Flow is an essential program for working with these powerful forces, and a template for a new way of being.



LtDrygon -> RE: finding myself (10/6/2012 6:45:15 PM)

Yes I'm not one to run away or back down. But I know when its time to just leave. When the situation is over my head. I'm not completly intune with it yet but as you said you are older and have had that experience. I haven't
.



LtDrygon -> RE: finding myself (10/6/2012 6:58:08 PM)

Here's the problem with the don't care. If you really didn't care you wouldn't have taken the time out of your day and carefully analyze what I said then reply.



JanahX -> RE: finding myself (10/6/2012 7:00:33 PM)

Wrong again - Im bored and killing time before my Bo comes and picks me up for dinner.
I thought you said you were bailing? I guess you were wrong there too -

quote:

ORIGINAL: LtDrygon

Here's the problem with the don't care. If you really didn't care you wouldn't have taken the time out of your day and carefully analyze what I said then reply.




littlewonder -> RE: finding myself (10/6/2012 8:53:04 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LtDrygon

Here's the problem with the don't care. If you really didn't care you wouldn't have taken the time out of your day and carefully analyze what I said then reply.



No, really....I don't give a shit what you decide to do. I come here for entertainment when I'm procrastinating or I'm bored or I can't sleep. Today it's procrastinating and I can't sleep. So when I'm here it's for the sheer pleasure of watching another trainwreck.

And I don't have to analyze what is clearly said in any of your responses. You said you like to hurt yourself and others and you are bitter and angry. This isn't the place for you. The therapy room is. If you don't wanna visit a therapist in person, there are a ton of online therapist with degrees even who can help you. Just do a google search. I found quite a list.

But again, you won't care or listen anyway, so it's back to.....[sm=jerry.gif]



LtDrygon -> RE: finding myself (10/6/2012 8:57:14 PM)

Eh doesn't matter if I said I was bailing or not. The fact is wether your bored or not you are still putting effort into replying. So it just means you care just a little bit. And I'm owner of this forum I really can't leave. Plus I've felt that I needed to walk away and come back. Spend some time to not think about the site. That's what a good work out does to you.



littlewonder -> RE: finding myself (10/6/2012 9:00:36 PM)

Oh wait...I was supposed to be giving some kind of effort when I reply. Fuck, why didn't someone tell me this? Come on guys, after all these years and you have all been leaving me in the dark on this protocol???

[&o]

Really dude, it's not hard at all to respond to trainwrecks lol.

Ok, wait...YOU own collarchat? Then I have some complaints and feedback I would like to talk to you about on these forums.



Duskypearls -> RE: finding myself (10/6/2012 9:15:42 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LtDrygon

Eh doesn't matter if I said I was bailing or not. The fact is wether your bored or not you are still putting effort into replying. So it just means you care just a little bit. And I'm owner of this forum I really can't leave. Plus I've felt that I needed to walk away and come back. Spend some time to not think about the site. That's what a good work out does to you.


Hmmmmm.....very interesting, as is nearly everything you've said, thus far, Lt. I suspect something far deeper is going on. I also suspect you are unaware you're words say far more about you than you realize.



LtDrygon -> RE: finding myself (10/6/2012 9:54:05 PM)

Probably, what have you gotten from my words out of curiosity



Kana -> RE: finding myself (10/7/2012 6:57:54 AM)

Kana's number one rule (And maybe only rule) before you can call yourself a master, one must master themselves.
And before one dominates another, one must learn to dominate their own emotions.

We all feel shit, some more so than others, but the mature person, they run their emotions, not the other way around.
And the hallmark of an immature person, the sign I always look for, is emotional reactionism.
But don't take my word for it. Look at Plato, Aristotle, Aquinas, Lao Tzu. You know, some of the greatest minds in history.

(And just so you know, as a kid I was a violent rageaholic. Almost killing someone in a rage induced blackout scared me so much I decided I had to do something about it before I really did commit homicide. That's what led me to things like martial arts, zen, shinto, buddhism, TM, stuff like that. I had zero interest in spending the rest of my life in prison for a crime I didn't even remember committing.)



RemoteUser -> RE: finding myself (10/7/2012 8:15:18 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LtDrygon

Eh doesn't matter if I said I was bailing or not. The fact is wether your bored or not you are still putting effort into replying. So it just means you care just a little bit. And I'm owner of this forum I really can't leave. Plus I've felt that I needed to walk away and come back. Spend some time to not think about the site. That's what a good work out does to you.


Read this back to yourself.

The conversation got intense so you walked away, cleared your head, came back to it.

This is exactly what you need to be able to do when you're playing, whether as a dom or sub. When you can't handle it, back off, figure out why, and get back on the horse.

You already know the technique. Now, DO IT and keep everyone, yourself included, safer.

(I could just say get therapy, but why beat the dead horse of good advice? My gut tells me that you're going to do this anyhow, might as well minimize the trauma by showing you the things you really, really need to know.

You're welcome. Good luck.)



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