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Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/8/2012 9:22:16 PM   
Spiritedsub2


Posts: 3316
Joined: 7/18/2012
Status: offline 		I recently put a profile up on the other side of the site. One man who contacted me seemed compatible with me, so we started messaging then texting a few weeks ago. Didn’t really talk about kink stuff, just generic getting-to-know-you things.

Last night the conversation between me and collarme friend moved to bdsm. I got the impression that collarme friend was interested in bedroom-only. I relayed to him an aspect of the dynamic between me and my previous friend: wherever I went, I was required to text him at all times where I was going and when I arrived. Since it was the truth, I added that I loved the feeling this rule created in me, including how happy it made me to please my previous friend by following it.

Collarme friend just WENT OFF on me. A tirade came over the phone about how “creepy”, “actually sick”, and “Svengali” it was. He said I “might as well move to Iran”, and how that relationship wasn’t love at all; that according to his psychology books I was just desperately looking for love. This was a “deal-breaker” for him; he would never do what I asked (never mind that I didn’t ask HIM to do a damned thing). I pointed out to him that he should have expected a little kink out of me; after all, he didn’t meet me on Eharmony. He then offered me a sop: he would control my bathroom usage over the phone. WTF??? I can be a hothead so I reacted accordingly.

Am I missing something? Is there an unspoken scale of acceptable kink? Did my pleasure in being controlled by my very dominant previous friend outside of a bedroom constitute creepy kink? Honestly, it seems sort of tame to me, but hey, I’m brand new and the collarme friend’s incredibly judgmental reaction to me totally caught me off guard. It was a very disappointing and unnerving end to something that seemed promising. I am afraid to tell anyone about any of my minimal experiences after this. Any opinions would be appreciated.


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RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/8/2012 9:31:06 PM   
Alecta


Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline 		The guy's a jerk and a hypocrite. But next time, go for guys who you're sure are open to both lifestyle and bedroom before getting attached.

(in reply to Spiritedsub2)
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RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/8/2012 9:33:37 PM   
Spiritedsub2


Posts: 3316
Joined: 7/18/2012
Status: offline 		You don't think it's safe to assume a man is open to both lifestyle and bedroom if you meet him on collarme?

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Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.
~ Rumi

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RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/8/2012 9:35:47 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		Well goodness, that would have caught me off guard, too. It really is a crap shoot out there, and this guy certainly weeded himself out, didn't he?

As for an "acceptable level" - well not by any community standards. You'll find what's awesome for one person isn't so awesome for another, and so on.

I can understand feeling a bit gun-shy after that weird reaction, but I think the best you can do is write him off, take a deep breath, and keep moving forward. Just keep being yourself...and I hope you find the courage to be open to someone again when it feels right.

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RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/8/2012 9:36:08 PM   
Alecta


Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline 		Nope, not at all. A lot of people come on here looking for bedroom only. There are good serious lifestyle Doms too but you can't just assume.

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RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/8/2012 9:37:21 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2

You don't think it's safe to assume a man is open to both lifestyle and bedroom if you meet him on collarme?

Assume nothing here lol. You'll find bedroom only, to total extreme TPE, to wankers who are looking to get off, to tops & bottoms, to online only, to real-time only, and everything in between.

We're a regular cornucopia of kink lol.

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RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/8/2012 9:42:33 PM   
Spiritedsub2


Posts: 3316
Joined: 7/18/2012
Status: offline 		Everything in between I totally believe! One guy offered to keep me "shackled on a slut pig farm"! The person I was talking with though seemed all along to be really bright and likeable. I'm wishing now I'd kept some of the more colorful messages for a future anthology.

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Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.
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RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/8/2012 9:46:39 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		There are folks here who have never done anything and get all their intel from porn.

If someone goes off on you, click/delete/block.

(Personally, having them check in with me is something I love...so there!)

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RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/8/2012 9:50:29 PM   
Alecta


Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

(Personally, having them check in with me is something I love...so there!)


Ditto! <3

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RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/8/2012 9:59:33 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2

You don't think it's safe to assume a man is open to both lifestyle and bedroom if you meet him on collarme?


No. Hate to break it to you but most men who come to collarme are simply looking for a bit of fun in the bedroom with a woman who they assume is easy because she's on a sex site. Do not assume that just because they are on collarme that they must be open to the lifestyle and kinks.

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RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/8/2012 10:02:14 PM   
Spiritedsub2


Posts: 3316
Joined: 7/18/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

There are folks here who have never done anything and get all their intel from porn.

If someone goes off on you, click/delete/block.

(Personally, having them check in with me is something I love...so there!)


I delete the obvious weirdos or creeps, but I've been talking with this man for hours over the last few weeks, and I thought well of him. I didn't want to just write his reaction off without looking at the basis of it a little bit, to see if there was something to what he was saying. I liked him enough that I was going to meet him in person in a couple of weeks. I am glad this happened before then, rather than after.

I loved the checking in too.

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RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/8/2012 10:05:03 PM   
Spiritedsub2


Posts: 3316
Joined: 7/18/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder


quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2

You don't think it's safe to assume a man is open to both lifestyle and bedroom if you meet him on collarme?


No. Hate to break it to you but most men who come to collarme are simply looking for a bit of fun in the bedroom with a woman who they assume is easy because she's on a sex site. Do not assume that just because they are on collarme that they must be open to the lifestyle and kinks.


Is there a way to tell what they are open to early on, without going through the process I did?

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Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.
~ Rumi

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RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/8/2012 10:05:22 PM   
lkb0503


Posts: 41
Joined: 8/28/2012
Status: offline 		I can relate in the process of trying to meet Doms (I'm not now, taking a break from"looking") there were anything from a man who wanted me to be his slave, said he was in love with me after 1 date. Men who role play to role play for a "booty call". There just isn't a Dom filter, sure wish there was!! A checklist that if the answers they gave you, you would know!!
They could come across Dom-like on chat, text ect. Meet them in person and its like WTF??? no way is this guy a Dom.
I realize us human beings, we are all different. I guess you take what works for you put it in a list.
Then when you "interview" a potential Dom partner if what he is saying isn't on that list, kick him to the curb!! It's probably oo simple to figure it out like that though!!




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RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/8/2012 10:05:25 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		I find it a bit odd that he didnt think bathroom control was out of line!

It's a peculiar fact that many kinksters are very very vanilla people. They have their small window of "okay" kinks, and anything else is an OMG WRONGGG.

I'qm glad you found out about him now...eeh.

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RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/8/2012 10:12:04 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2


quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder


quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2

You don't think it's safe to assume a man is open to both lifestyle and bedroom if you meet him on collarme?


No. Hate to break it to you but most men who come to collarme are simply looking for a bit of fun in the bedroom with a woman who they assume is easy because she's on a sex site. Do not assume that just because they are on collarme that they must be open to the lifestyle and kinks.


Is there a way to tell what they are open to early on, without going through the process I did?


Ask? Personally when I met Master we spent tons and tons of time talking, getting to know one another through emails, phone, going out to do things together, etc...just like ya know....dating. How did you find out about men when you went out with them? It's the same.

Imo he probably had dropped more hints about his personality but you probably didn't pick up on it. Pay attention....the way a person talks, walks, eats, sleeps, breathes, moves, etc....

The problem with online is that people build up a fantasy in their heads before they ever meet a person and therefore do not pay attention to the little signs online and on the phone that can be picked up. People instead ignore it because the cyber fantasy is a better image.


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RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/8/2012 10:13:43 PM   
Spiritedsub2


Posts: 3316
Joined: 7/18/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

I find it a bit odd that he didnt think bathroom control was out of line!

It's a peculiar fact that many kinksters are very very vanilla people. They have their small window of "okay" kinks, and anything else is an OMG WRONGGG.

I'qm glad you found out about him now...eeh.


That is a very peculiar fact indeed; one I am going to try to remember. And you're right about the oddness of the bathroom control offer; I was so perplexed that he was trying to pacify me with what he did present as an alternative offer. Then he described how he uses bathroom control to humiliate his subs, which also sounded strange coming from a guy who so opposed the control I had described.

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Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.
~ Rumi

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RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/8/2012 10:17:20 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Humiliation is good, checking in during the day is not? Yeahhhh

I try to move to realtime meets pretty quickly, but in this case, just as well you saved your time!

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RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/8/2012 10:19:06 PM   
Spiritedsub2


Posts: 3316
Joined: 7/18/2012
Status: offline 		That's why I hate cyber so much; I just don't see any reality there. I've tried hard to avoid cyber but so far, I'm not doing too well; the messaging and texting modes are ubiquitous and popular. And I'm finding that some men get mad when you won't cam chat with them; yet more cyber.

I had been following advice I've read on these forums to stay away from explicit bdsm questions and discussions with a new person, to talk about regular vanilla things at first. That's what we did, for a few weeks. Then boy, when the bdsm topic finally arrived, it all went to hell.

_____________________________

Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.
~ Rumi

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RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/8/2012 10:35:11 PM   
obis


Posts: 412
Joined: 9/9/2005
From: Austin, TX, USA
Status: offline 		I'll play devil's advocate here: it's possible that someone like this doesn't have much experience or hasn't really examined their own assumptions about why we do what we do. You say he had other subs, so he may be experienced enough to genuinely know he doesn't enjoy control outside the bed/bathroom, but its also possible he didn't want to scare you away with his inexperience and was just talking big. He may not actually know what he enjoys yet, in which case you'd have to decide how comfortable you are helping him find out and tear down some walls.

On the other hand, when I started out I had a hard enough time accepting I liked to take control in the bedroom. The idea that I'd enjoy 24/7 D/s offended me at the core, for most of the reasons your guy gave. I didn't want to feel like I was oppressing and subjugating my own romantic partners! It took years of experience and introspection to both recognize what i needed and understand that it was as egalitarian and empowering for my partners as any other relationship they could have.

I find that knee-jerk reactions like that can often be met with "and why do you think that?" to get the person to think about and explain why it is they think it is wrong. From there you can usually figure out if they are just dealing with their own mental barriers and if they are worth spending more time on.

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RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/8/2012 10:43:00 PM   
Spiritedsub2


Posts: 3316
Joined: 7/18/2012
Status: offline 		I wouldn't be surprised if you are right that he didn't want to scare me away with his inexperience, at least at anything other than short-term play. I am pretty sure he hasn't done anything outside of bedroom play.

It didn't even occur to me to find a way to talk around his reaction to find its basis, because of the crazy judgmental outpouring from him. I just wanted to escape at that point. If I'd said something I thought was a little crazy, his reaction might not have unnerved me so much. But I really didn't think what I described as my experience was all that "out there".

_____________________________

Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.
~ Rumi

Laughing Dolphin

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