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RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/15/2012 11:18:50 PM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2
I will never again assume that somebody who (allegedly) has been a dominant in the lifestyle for over 20 years is thinking about anything but the bedroom. Lots of minefields in this search!

I have to tell you that over the years I've come to decide that absolutely none of the BDSM words carried any semantic content at all. So when someone says to me they are a pet or a sub or a TPE slave or whatever I just patiently wait for the explanatory paragraph that's sure to follow (or can easily be coaxed out of them). But pretty much I think the BDSM world has redefined the entire english language and I mistrust most of what I hear/read... not that I think people are lying. I just think that with no common definition a word is useless so I have to wait till I get the definition before I can seek to understand what they are saying.

For instance, you'd think a word like "total" which has a pretty clear and unambiguous meaning would be easy to understand yet it is not. I mean sheez... the very absoluteness of it ought to make it immune to misunderstanding but ...

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to Spiritedsub2)

Post #: 81

RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/17/2012 12:18:21 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2

On your other comment; I can't tell you how many guys want to subject me to their lawyer jokes. The ultimate in sadism... Hmmm. Does Kana tell lawyer jokes?

He has all kinds of jokes. Be careful of how you ask that of him.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to Spiritedsub2)

Post #: 82

RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/17/2012 3:02:12 AM

EligibleOwner

Posts: 51
Joined: 10/16/2009
From: London
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

I have to tell you that over the years I've come to decide that absolutely none of the BDSM words carried any semantic content at all. So when someone says to me they are a pet or a sub or a TPE slave or whatever I just patiently wait for the explanatory paragraph that's sure to follow (or can easily be coaxed out of them). But pretty much I think the BDSM world has redefined the entire english language and I mistrust most of what I hear/read... not that I think people are lying. I just think that with no common definition a word is useless so I have to wait till I get the definition before I can seek to understand what they are saying.

This is so utterly right, and it pinpoints one of the most frustrating and odd things about the BDSM world on the internet. It's why I often say "I don't believe in terminology".

We use labels like "dom", "sub", "master" "slave" and so on, often thinking we share understandings of what those terms mean. But we usually don't. Actually this is easily proved by the fact that BDSM forums so often have threads in which people are asking for definitions or explanations of these terms. The labels can help form general impressions but they're ultimately as misleading as they are helpful.

I think the only way to really understand what someone needs and whether you're compatible or interested is to explain in real detail what you both want, or would like to explore. There's no system of labels that shortcuts this.

(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 83

RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/17/2012 3:21:46 AM

PurrPett

Posts: 33
Joined: 10/14/2012
Status: offline

Hmm this struck a chord with me, I have to say!!
Being a newbie to this world (openly) myself.. I find labels are everywhere!!
I love to laugh, giggle and enjoy life.. Apparently this means I'm a brat as my messages (intended to attain a giggle or grin at very least) usually have a little cheekiness in them!
Is fun bad??! Lol does it make me less submissive?!

Hell, I'm 34 & a mother of two lol.. Not a teenage girl suffering pms!!! :-p.
I've also found that refusing to "obey" online orders means I'm not a "true sub" (raising eyebrow) .. As privileged as I should well feel to have a faceless bunch of letters knowing who I am after five minutes, better than well.. Me.. I find it offensive!

Is it wrong to be undefined? To be purely who you are or know you are inside? Hmm..If kinksters judge & assume so harshly & quickly themselves.. I feel the same, a lack of willing to share myself and thoughts.
Who will guide and teach us mere newbies the real way?? .. Disappointing really.

(hangs head) lol let me jump off my little pedestal .. Where's the chocolate..

(in reply to EligibleOwner)

Post #: 84

RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/17/2012 4:15:54 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2
I will never again assume that somebody who (allegedly) has been a dominant in the lifestyle for over 20 years is thinking about anything but the bedroom.

My submissive lady friends have told me about men who claim huge experience in the lifestyle. In most cases, they're lying. The man you were talking with may have been lying, or may have been equating sexual activity with the lifestyle.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Spiritedsub2)

Post #: 85

RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/17/2012 6:34:18 AM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: EligibleOwner

quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

I have to tell you that over the years I've come to decide that absolutely none of the BDSM words carried any semantic content at all. So when someone says to me they are a pet or a sub or a TPE slave or whatever I just patiently wait for the explanatory paragraph that's sure to follow (or can easily be coaxed out of them). But pretty much I think the BDSM world has redefined the entire english language and I mistrust most of what I hear/read... not that I think people are lying. I just think that with no common definition a word is useless so I have to wait till I get the definition before I can seek to understand what they are saying.

This is so utterly right, and it pinpoints one of the most frustrating and odd things about the BDSM world on the internet. It's why I often say "I don't believe in terminology".

We use labels like "dom", "sub", "master" "slave" and so on, often thinking we share understandings of what those terms mean. But we usually don't. Actually this is easily proved by the fact that BDSM forums so often have threads in which people are asking for definitions or explanations of these terms. The labels can help form general impressions but they're ultimately as misleading as they are helpful.

I think the only way to really understand what someone needs and whether you're compatible or interested is to explain in real detail what you both want, or would like to explore. There's no system of labels that shortcuts this.

This is not a BDSM phenomenon. It is a communications thing. Every word has some wiggle room just because it is used by people. There is an old saying amongst therapists: When we talk, there are 3 things communicated. What the person meant to say, what the listener heard, and what was actually said. Same dealio here.

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to EligibleOwner)

Post #: 86

RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/17/2012 10:07:08 AM

Spiritedsub2

Posts: 3316
Joined: 7/18/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2
I will never again assume that somebody who (allegedly) has been a dominant in the lifestyle for over 20 years is thinking about anything but the bedroom.

My submissive lady friends have told me about men who claim huge experience in the lifestyle. In most cases, they're lying. The man you were talking with may have been lying, or may have been equating sexual activity with the lifestyle.

Epilogue: I was contacted by a third person here whose mother knows the man in my OP (yes, that's fraught with lots of possibilities). She said the man didn't want me submissive to him anytime except in bedroom play, and was looking for an otherwise "regular" relationship with me. I've been advised that he is "willing to try controlling me". Sigh.

_____________________________

Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.
~ Rumi

Laughing Dolphin

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 87

RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/17/2012 10:14:38 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: PurrPett

I've also found that refusing to "obey" online orders means I'm not a "true sub" (raising eyebrow) ..

That's a form of blackmail that frequently works with novices. The novices panic and feel that they will be labeled as not "real" or "true" so they cave and end up doing something that they're uncomfortable doing and will most likely regret.

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 10/17/2012 10:15:09 AM >

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to PurrPett)

Post #: 88

RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/17/2012 1:40:10 PM

GotSteel

Posts: 5871
Joined: 2/19/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2
Last night the conversation between me and collarme friend moved to bdsm. I got the impression that collarme friend was interested in bedroom-only. I relayed to him an aspect of the dynamic between me and my previous friend: wherever I went, I was required to text him at all times where I was going and when I arrived. Since it was the truth, I added that I loved the feeling this rule created in me, including how happy it made me to please my previous friend by following it.

People are into quite a lot of different stuff around here. Some just like certain activities and have no interest in D/s whatsoever. Others want a vanilla relationship outside of the bedroom. Then there are those who are looking for some sort of lifestyle D/s but they still may find that level of micro management a turn off. The list goes on and on and on from there but hopefully you get the idea.

Just because someone's on this site doesn't mean that what gets you hot and bothered won't freak them out and vice versa. I'd suggest tweaking your profile a bit.

Now I'm not talking about turning it into a masturbaters wet dream but giving people some sense of what sort of relationship you're looking for might help cut down on the whole getting to know someone for weeks only to find out that they're completely incompatible.

(in reply to Spiritedsub2)

Post #: 89

RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/19/2012 1:05:39 PM

Bhruic

Posts: 985
Joined: 4/11/2012
From: Toronto, Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: PurrPett

[snip]

Is it wrong to be undefined? To be purely who you are or know you are inside?

[snip]

I personally think that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being undefined. Many in this community are very militant about people adopting labels and then holding to them without variation. I just don't think life or people really work that way. Being undefined is fine, and when you find someone who is looking for someone who doesn't define themselves, then you'll be in the groove.

I honestly think the only reason (or value) for labels at all in the first place is that its really hard in this world to find someone who's kinks compliment your own, and for some labels help in the search... I don't think they should be interpreted as absolute declarations of who someone is.

(in reply to PurrPett)

Post #: 90

RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/19/2012 1:54:46 PM

porcelaine

Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2

Honestly, it seems sort of tame to me, but hey, I’m brand new and the collarme friend’s incredibly judgmental reaction to me totally caught me off guard. It was a very disappointing and unnerving end to something that seemed promising. I am afraid to tell anyone about any of my minimal experiences after this. Any opinions would be appreciated.

Greetings,

I'm amazed how often people are surprised when they encounter judgment in others as if it never flows from their lips. Of course you judge as do I and everyone else. Some people are just willing to admit it. Having said that why does it surprise you? I'm willing to guess you bought into the notion that since this site gives credence to "certain behaviors" it would stand to reason that the participants would be comfortable with the things you've done. The disappointment you mention is merely a testament of this. I can't believe that every man you've encountered met your expectations or all potential dates ended in the manner you'd hoped. That would be very unrealistic. But nevertheless people interact on this medium divorced from the realities of everyday relations and their experiences hoping and expecting something different from anonymous keystrokes on the other side of the screen.

These are the same people you'd encounter walking down the street, in a bar, or any other social venue. Their registration on this site doesn't validate anything save the fact they have an account. Nothing more or less. Exercise some wisdom and be mindful of what you desire (the end goal) and the one you're speaking with. No matter how lovely things sound never lose sight of this. Is he capable of bringing that about or are you merely killing time? People do that offline and on. Don't assume this place is any better and you'll fare well.

~porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to Spiritedsub2)

Post #: 91

RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/19/2012 2:06:55 PM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: porcelaine
I'm amazed how often people are surprised when they encounter judgment in others as if it never flows from their lips. Of course you judge as do I and everyone else. Some people are just willing to admit it. Having said that why does it surprise you?

Well, I can tell you why it surprised me. From my own earlier experiences here I was talking to another couple. They said they were M/s. So did I. They said they were TPE. So did I. They said they were "gorean" and I agreed... at least regarding the authority dynamic part. Then I said I was going to use my slave to accomplish some goal of mine and you'd think I'd said I was going to flay her alive and bury her in the backyard.

I wasn't so much surprised by judgement in general as by the specific nature of the judgement and the context in which it occurred.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to porcelaine)

Post #: 92

RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/19/2012 2:24:51 PM

porcelaine

Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

Well, I can tell you why it surprised me. From my own earlier experiences here I was talking to another couple. They said they were M/s. So did I. They said they were TPE. So did I. They said they were "gorean" and I agreed... at least regarding the authority dynamic part. Then I said I was going to use my slave to accomplish some goal of mine and you'd think I'd said I was going to flay her alive and bury her in the backyard.

I wasn't so much surprised by judgement in general as by the specific nature of the judgement and the context in which it occurred.

Greetings Jeff,

I don't assign the difference you've noted in your post. People are fraught with contradictions and inconsistencies. I've never encountered an individual that doesn't utilize the power of judgment nor am I at the point where I'm unable to acknowledge my judgment and biases. Or my willingness to give some more latitude than others.

People do not surprise me. If I'm caught off guard it is usually a result of my expectations of a measure of credence I've given someone. Whether they've earned that is another matter. I just can't point the finger in the other direction without giving some initial consideration to yours truly. And all semantics aside, it usually boils down to my willingness to believe because I wanted to and some part of me desired to make that investment. Simple.

~porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 93

RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/19/2012 2:45:43 PM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

I think it is a human thing. We expect others, especially people we find some similarity with or someone we like, care about, to be like us......period. We also want to be right, and set others apart as being wrong.

It's no different than politics and my family. I've simply learned there are some conversations I simply cannot have with some people. Their way of thinking, how they feel........what their judgement is......is simply different from my own.

(and HELLO!!! Porcelain!!!!!!!! So lovely to see you posting!)

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 10/19/2012 2:46:18 PM >

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to porcelaine)

Post #: 94

RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/19/2012 6:14:10 PM

Aswad

Posts: 9374
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline

As a rule, it's possible to have those conversations, LaT, it just isn't always worth the effort.

And, of course, having a conversation doesn't necessarily mean agreeing in the end.

IWYW,
— Aswad.

_____________________________

"If God saw what any of us did that night, he didn't seem to mind.
From then on I knew: God doesn't make the world this way.
We do." -- Rorschack, Watchmen.

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 95

RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/19/2012 6:21:27 PM

porcelaine

Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

It's no different than politics and my family. I've simply learned there are some conversations I simply cannot have with some people. Their way of thinking, how they feel........what their judgement is......is simply different from my own.

(and HELLO!!! Porcelain!!!!!!!! So lovely to see you posting!)

Kind of like your post about being a sadist. All this time I thought you were a delightful pussycat.

Hello Sweet Lady. xx

~porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 96

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