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RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/8/2012 10:44:34 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I do have to tell you that I thought this post was funny. Holy crap! I can just imagine how 'unacceptable' he'd find somebody like Me. LOL.

It's all relative. One type of situation is too much for one person and not enough for another. Some people only want online/cyber games. Others are only interested in bedroom activities. Others still want ties that are more than just sexual.

The only help I can provide is to try to work out compatibility. If you want control inside and outside of the bedroom, see if you can get that out there before you waste your time with those who want something else.


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RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/8/2012 10:56:58 PM   
Alecta


Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline 		It also occurs to me that on top of being a bedroom only guy, maybe he is attached and his initial freak out had to do with the sudden fear that his spouse will find out if you started texting him at all times of the day to report in.

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RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/8/2012 10:56:58 PM   
Spiritedsub2


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

I do have to tell you that I thought this post was funny. Holy crap! I can just imagine how 'unacceptable' he'd find somebody like Me. LOL.

It's all relative. One type of situation is too much for one person and not enough for another. Some people only want online/cyber games. Others are only interested in bedroom activities. Others still want ties that are more than just sexual.

The only help I can provide is to try to work out compatibility. If you want control inside and outside of the bedroom, see if you can get that out there before you waste your time with those who want something else.



That made me laugh; thinking of his reaction to a conversation with you! It would be good for him, I think.

But getting what I want "out there" before I waste time with somebody who wants something else; that is a little contrary to the usual advice to avoid talking about bdsm wants and proclivities, to meet on a vanilla or regular relationship level first. I don't know what makes the most sense. If I'd done what you suggest, I'd have saved myself a few weeks of conversation. But if I'd opened the conversation to kink at the outset, I might have created an entirely different dynamic, a kink-oriented one, which isn't what I want to do. Goody, now I'm really confused! I guess I will have to think.

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RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/8/2012 10:58:13 PM   
Spiritedsub2


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Alecta

It also occurs to me that on top of being a bedroom only guy, maybe he is attached and his initial freak out had to do with the sudden fear that his spouse will find out if you started texting him at all times of the day to report in.


Don't think that was it; our text conversations went on all day and late into the night. Sigh.

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RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/8/2012 11:01:23 PM   
Alecta


Posts: 1355
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline 		Getting what you want out there is a single paragraph in one of the first few messages exchanged. Usually when we talk about people who lead with their kinks they are those who talk about nothing but their kinks, constantly. Just casually find out if they're into lifestyle control and go back to vanilla stuff :)

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RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/8/2012 11:04:41 PM   
Spiritedsub2


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Alecta

Getting what you want out there is a single paragraph in one of the first few messages exchanged. Usually when we talk about people who lead with their kinks they are those who talk about nothing but their kinks, constantly. Just casually find out if they're into lifestyle control and go back to vanilla stuff :)


Thanks.

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RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/8/2012 11:16:50 PM   
crazyml


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2
Is there an unspoken scale of acceptable kink?


I'd say that the scale of acceptable kink is often spoken of... and the answer is pretty consistently that we all have our own ideas about what is acceptable to us.

I must admit that when I read the title, I was expecting a discussion about the really edgy stuff... having someone text you when they leave for places and arrive at them doesn't strike me as "way out there" on any kind of scale I can imagine!

As it happens, it wouldn't be my cup of tea... while I'm into control, having someone send me texts detailing their every movement would be a little on the "micro management" side of things for me personally. That said, if it's something you enjoy, why the hell shouldn't you!

As for the collarme friend... seems like something of a major over-reaction, which is telling you way more about him than it is you!




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RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/8/2012 11:18:21 PM   
LadyPact


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2
That made me laugh; thinking of his reaction to a conversation with you! It would be good for him, I think.

But getting what I want "out there" before I waste time with somebody who wants something else; that is a little contrary to the usual advice to avoid talking about bdsm wants and proclivities, to meet on a vanilla or regular relationship level first. I don't know what makes the most sense. If I'd done what you suggest, I'd have saved myself a few weeks of conversation. But if I'd opened the conversation to kink at the outset, I might have created an entirely different dynamic, a kink-oriented one, which isn't what I want to do. Goody, now I'm really confused! I guess I will have to think.
It's easy for Me to sit here and say that the kink part should be in there. I'm not looking for a primary.

However, even if I were, I'd know that I'm not compatible with someone who is bedroom only. No different than the fact that I don't really like horror movies isn't the best criteria for somebody who loves them.

I think there has to be a balance when asking about vanilla and kink/authority type compatibility questions. I don't have an issue giving up specific kinks, but level of authority or what kind of control I would hope to achieve in a dynamic is pretty high up there for Me. It's important to assess these things and know how important they are before getting to that point where it's an incompatibility issue.

For what it's worth, Alecta might not be too far off. If there's somebody else at home, those check in texts might not go so well.



< Message edited by LadyPact -- 10/8/2012 11:19:37 PM >

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

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Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/9/2012 12:07:05 AM   
descrite


Posts: 459
Joined: 5/14/2012
Status: offline 		I don't know why you'd delay the kink-talk...so much of that can be dealbreakers, it just makes sense to share hard limits right away. I'm with the earlier poster: I want to get to realtime meeting fairly soon, see if there's any chemistry at all, or if we can just agree it's not going to work.

His reaction is beyond fucked up, though.

Similar thing happened to me recently, with one of those faux-subs being discussed on another thread...we'd been messaging for weeks, and really grooving, and decided to take it to the real world. She flipped out when I picked the restaurant unilaterally.

In hindsight, I'm glad I saved the price of dinner. But it was just...weird.






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RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/9/2012 12:21:04 AM   
Whenready


Posts: 319
Joined: 3/5/2009
Status: offline 		The bad news is there's no shortcut and no "magic" answer. Everyone is different and you have to spend the time to find out. Some of what you say or he says might be red or amber or hopefully green flags. Be honest about and WITH yourself, and good luck!

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RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/9/2012 2:09:53 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2

Then he described how he uses bathroom control to humiliate his subs, which also sounded strange coming from a guy who so opposed the control I had described.


HUGE red flag. He's claiming solid experience in an area where he has no clue.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2

I've tried hard to avoid cyber but so far, I'm not doing too well; the messaging and texting modes are ubiquitous and popular. And I'm finding that some men get mad when you won't cam chat with them; yet more cyber.



So let them get mad. Your goal is to find a compatible Dom, not to give cyberweenies their fapjollies.

Look, you just lost a few weeks in your quest to find a partner. That happens in the vanilla world and the meat world as well. Chalk it up to experience and move on.


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RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/9/2012 4:22:58 AM   
LaTigresse


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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder


Imo he probably had dropped more hints about his personality but you probably didn't pick up on it. Pay attention....the way a person talks, walks, eats, sleeps, breathes, moves, etc....

The problem with online is that people build up a fantasy in their heads before they ever meet a person and therefore do not pay attention to the little signs online and on the phone that can be picked up. People instead ignore it because the cyber fantasy is a better image.



This!

Another thing I've found to be productive is to have a more...sterile......conversation about the kink factors. Get out there what you really are looking for without providing a porn filled whank fest (unless of course that is your goal) and then move past it to the less porn filled conversations.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 10/9/2012 4:26:03 AM >

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RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/9/2012 6:19:13 AM   
culareD


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Status: offline 		I had that happen too...perhaps it was the same person????

Block and/or delete and MOVE on...

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RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/9/2012 6:28:06 AM   
searching4mysir


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2

You don't think it's safe to assume a man is open to both lifestyle and bedroom if you meet him on collarme?



Nope. Some guys want to keep it bedroom only. Some guys are married and just want kinky sex behind their wife's back.

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RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/9/2012 6:29:18 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		fast reply

That seems like a bizarre overreaction. I could understand it more if the roles were reversed and you were telling a potential sub you'd be asking them to check in regularly - I can see someone feeling that was too much.

Surely having to get permission to go to the bathroom would actually involve checking in more often that letting them know where you are? At least some of the time.

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RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/9/2012 6:30:22 AM   
Spiritedsub2


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Joined: 7/18/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: crazyml


quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2
Is there an unspoken scale of acceptable kink?


I must admit that when I read the title, I was expecting a discussion about the really edgy stuff... having someone text you when they leave for places and arrive at them doesn't strike me as "way out there" on any kind of scale I can imagine!

As it happens, it wouldn't be my cup of tea... while I'm into control, having someone send me texts detailing their every movement would be a little on the "micro management" side of things for me personally. That said, if it's something you enjoy, why the hell shouldn't you!




This is the really ironic part. I don't know that such micromanagement would be MY cup of tea in a long-term relationship either! All I said to collarme friend was that I enjoyed my previous friend's demand and complying with it. I would think over the long haul it might be a bit much; also that the things a couple do would come and go. But collarme friend leapt to lots of conclusions with very little provocation.

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Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.
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Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/9/2012 7:37:34 AM   
Spiritedsub2


Posts: 3316
Joined: 7/18/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: descrite

I don't know why you'd delay the kink-talk...so much of that can be dealbreakers, it just makes sense to share hard limits right away. I'm with the earlier poster: I want to get to realtime meeting fairly soon, see if there's any chemistry at all, or if we can just agree it's not going to work.

His reaction is beyond fucked up, though.

Similar thing happened to me recently, with one of those faux-subs being discussed on another thread...we'd been messaging for weeks, and really grooving, and decided to take it to the real world. She flipped out when I picked the restaurant unilaterally.

In hindsight, I'm glad I saved the price of dinner. But it was just...weird.







Did you get any clues from your messaging with her that she might react in such an extreme way? Your experience was even more out there than mine.

I've been using men's profiles to learn what their general "kink selves" are. If someone is a very edge sadist, for example, they tend to reveal that on their profiles or on their forum posts.

So I just added in my profile that I'm not looking for a bedroom-only dynamic. I've found to my surprise that people who message me, for the most part, HAVE read my profile first; their messages tend to reflect that. Although hopefully the guy who wanted to shackle me on the slut pig farm didn't tailor his message specially for me!

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Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.
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RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/9/2012 7:42:13 AM   
kalikshama


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Joined: 8/8/2010
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quote:

Is there a way to tell what they are open to early on, without going through the process I did?

I look for men who have a well rounded profile that clues me in to their vanilla and kink interests. I also expect this to be fleshed out early on in convos, but NOT in a cyber sex way.

quote:

And I'm finding that some men get mad when you won't cam chat with them; yet more cyber.

If anyone asks me for chat or cam in the first few messages, I roll my eyes and send them a thread from here about how that is lame. I am not relocatable and specify that in my profile, as well as that I am seeking local guys. They don't need to cam with me - they can meet me for coffee.

The non wankers know that the woman will give out more contact info as she gets comfortable, or to ask for it in an appropriate, non-pushy time.

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RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/9/2012 8:10:39 AM   
OsideGirl


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From: United States
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quote:

ORIGINAL: descrite

I don't know why you'd delay the kink-talk...so much of that can be dealbreakers, it just makes sense to share hard limits right away.


Because tingly genitals tend to get in the way of logical thinking. And quite frankly, if I don't like who you are it doesn't matter if every single one of our kinks are exactly the same....because sex or play will never happen.


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RE: Unspoken scale of acceptable kink? - 10/9/2012 8:50:33 AM   
KnightofMists


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Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2

You don't think it's safe to assume a man is open to both lifestyle and bedroom if you meet him on collarme?


definitely NOT, The fact that people are here doesn't equate to them to being open-minded and accepting. In fact, I find people in the lifestyle to no different in their narrowed view of things than those outside of the lifestyle. There is actually very few that are really all that open-minded.

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