quote:

ORIGINAL: Darlingriver

Some people here are getting the wrong end of the stick. I never once developed anything more for that man. It was never love. There was no relationship or marriage or anything more to come. It was casual play. I admired him and that was that. His gift meant nothing more but a gift. There was no relationship. I thought maybe some sort of a friendship might come of it but no. Friends don't lie and lie more with excuses. There was nothing there between us but nor could I understand was that a pack of lies he gave me? Why lie? I never once confused our casual play and his gift for more.
We are supposed to be open minded in this community. Why communicate in such a close minded manner (for his part).
Do I make myself clear?

quote:

ORIGINAL: Winterapple

I don't know what you built this gift up in your head to be or what importance you attached to it. My guess is he asked for your address
so that the gift could be him showing up on your doorstep when he passed through your
town and giving you the gift of getting to blow
him again. Personally, I wouldn't have put more
meaning to it than if he'd said I'll call you.
Sometimes people say things that they know
they probably don't mean but they say them
anyway. It's a bit assholish but in the field of
bad and dishonorable behavior rather minor.

You didn't know this guy very well and you'd
never had a bdsm experience. You enjoyed it,
you liked him. You got your hopes up a bit and
he encouraged it a bit with the gift bullshit.
I don't think your reaction had anything to do
with subdrop. I don't think your reaction
is a healthy one. I say that with compassion.
I hope you are seeing a therapist if not I
encourage you to find one. There could be
a host of underlying things that caused you
to react as you did. Depression, anxiety
disorders, bipolar issues, codependency issues,
all sorts of things that shouldn't be ignored.

The only other advice I can give you is you
need to know your partners better before
you become intimate with them. Date them
as you would a vanilla partner.

And also when you're starting out don't
jump into the deep end right off least of
all with a partner you don't know well.
Some activities and experiences stir up
complex and deep emotions. You need
to be prepared for that.
Know your partners and most importantly
know yourself. Give a lot of thought to if you
are mentally and emotionally ready for a
relationship. Can you handle casual play
and sex? Instead of obssessing on why he
behaved as he did I would be asking why I
reacted the way I did.

quote:

men outnumber the women....you have a lot of guys to choose from.

quote:

He was so nice and funny and charming in his messages to me.

quote:

Back online, about a week later he told me he had a small gift to send me in the mail and he asked my address to send it on to me. This came out of the blue and wasn't expected and although my gut was screaming at me, that it wasn't right, I ignored it thinking that it was irrational and came out from no where. So I thought, what the hell. He was nice when we met and it's only a small gift.

quote:

Well I waited for it to arrive but after a fortnight with nothing in the post, I required about it and indeed him, hoping that he was well and all that. In his reply back he gave an excuse for not sending it and I bought that excuse. It was plausible and I was sound with it.
But looking back I should have pulled him on it considering he had plenty of time to be online but he never sent me a message to tell me what the situation was. Also he had plenty of time to be online but no time to post his gift. He also provided me with another promise which turns out it was more empty words.

quote:

He wrote that he will be in my town in a few weeks and that we could meet and that he would love to see me and give it to me then in person. And I was like, yeah sure, that would be great. Give me a bell. But that weekend came upon us and I didn't hear from him, until much later in the weekend after I made contact with him and it was too late for me to change plans. I told him what I was up to but he ignored that message. No response.

quote:

I contacted him some time later, and he was cool with me or so he said and I took it that he was still going to send his small, little gift but maybe he was just busy.

quote:

Much later, weeks in fact, I was willing to drop the issue of his gift but he made contact looking for another hook up. I would have liked this but to me these were just empty words and he had no intention of following through. And with that I asked him about his gift. He lost it he said. He wasn't even apologetic.

quote:

Eventually he emailed with an excuse saying that he left back at his holiday home that he hasn't been to in months and has no intention of going there again. Leaving it open, implying that he still has it.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Duskypearls

I think where you may be tripping yourself up is in hoping/expecting his principles, values, perceptions, responses and follow through to match yours, and when they don't, you were suprised, shocked and disappointed. Either he is not a man of his word, you are not as important to him as he is to you, or the majority of his focus and attention is elsewhere. The clues were many and obvious, if I remember correctly, as he repeatedly promised, yet failed to deliver in more than one way. Whether his intent was malignant or benign is impossible to tell without more information. Consider adopting a three strikes you're out mind set, and perhaps alter your expectations. Fact of life...most people, including ourselves, will fail to meet them, from time to time, and some more often than others. The latter are the ones it it is wise to avoid.

He is not you. Do not be confused, disappointed or feel let down when he is not.

You say the gift meant nothing, yet you had a strong reaction when it didn't arrive, and another one, when after hinting about it, it produced nothing. The more balanced person with more realistic expectations would not have given it a first, second or third thought, and moved on, realizing you cannot get blood from a stone. It doesn't mean the stone's bad, it just can't give you want you want.

Do not assume he was lying. Neither you, nor I, have anyway of knowing. For all we know, his intentions were good, but his follow through sucked eggs. Some promise more than they can give, and not from malice, either. They just do not know themselves or their limitations well enough.

Then again, he could be a complete cad. There's no way to know, and more importantly, it's not important to know. All any of us need to know is that at that time and place, he's not a good fit for you. Either he hasn't enough to give you what you need (emotionally), or you may need to consider whether or not you need/expect too much from others.

Perhaps this experience offers you a wonderful opportunity to figure out why it is you put so much stock in him and his unfulfilled promises, and why your sense of self deflated so completely when he failed you. Serious introspection and/or therapy may help you understand why you may need more from your external environment to validate your self and your sense of security versus you having or developing your own supportive internal landscape. Sounds like you may benefit from learning to shore yourself up from the inside out.

Apologies to you if I am completely off base.

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: Duskypearls

I think where you may be tripping yourself up is in hoping/expecting his principles, values, perceptions, responses and follow through to match yours, and when they don't, you were suprised, shocked and disappointed. Either he is not a man of his word, you are not as important to him as he is to you, or the majority of his focus and attention is elsewhere. The clues were many and obvious, if I remember correctly, as he repeatedly promised, yet failed to deliver in more than one way. Whether his intent was malignant or benign is impossible to tell without more information. Consider adopting a three strikes you're out mind set, and perhaps alter your expectations. Fact of life...most people, including ourselves, will fail to meet them, from time to time, and some more often than others. The latter are the ones it it is wise to avoid.

He is not you. Do not be confused, disappointed or feel let down when he is not.

You say the gift meant nothing, yet you had a strong reaction when it didn't arrive, and another one, when after hinting about it, it produced nothing. The more balanced person with more realistic expectations would not have given it a first, second or third thought, and moved on, realizing you cannot get blood from a stone. It doesn't mean the stone's bad, it just can't give you want you want.

Do not assume he was lying. Neither you, nor I, have anyway of knowing. For all we know, his intentions were good, but his follow through sucked eggs. Some promise more than they can give, and not from malice, either. They just do not know themselves or their limitations well enough.

Then again, he could be a complete cad. There's no way to know, and more importantly, it's not important to know. All any of us need to know is that at that time and place, he's not a good fit for you. Either he hasn't enough to give you what you need (emotionally), or you may need to consider whether or not you need/expect too much from others.

Perhaps this experience offers you a wonderful opportunity to figure out why it is you put so much stock in him and his unfulfilled promises, and why your sense of self deflated so completely when he failed you. Serious introspection and/or therapy may help you understand why you may need more from your external environment to validate your self and your sense of security versus you having or developing your own supportive internal landscape. Sounds like you may benefit from learning to shore yourself up from the inside out.

Apologies to you if I am completely off base.

I just love this post.... Balanced based on the specific comments here by the op and nt jumping to wild conclusions with little or no evidence. Well done Duskypearls!! Quote it in whole just because it was so damn good.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darlingriver
We are supposed to be open minded in this community. Why communicate in such a close minded manner (for his part).
Do I make myself clear?

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darlingriver
We are supposed to be open minded in this community. Why communicate in such a close minded manner (for his part).
Do I make myself clear?

Oh, stop that crap. Being "open minded" isn't some straw man that people should throw out there every time they hear things they don't like. Do you really think everybody is supposed to swallow every kind of stupidity that anyone wants to shovel out there in the name of the "community?"

You "admired" somebody just because he was a top? You want to know why he lied? It's because you got on your knees, babe.

The ignorance of saying this is all about sub drop doesn't wash. Maybe certain issues should be dealt with before playing in the big kid's yard.

quote:

ORIGINAL: tj444
Something i am finding interesting is most of the posts from women tell the OP to not date and get ahold of herself, etc etc.. if the OP was a guy, would they say the same thing???