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New to the site and have a few questions I'd like to ask - 10/17/2012 5:27:33 PM   
PetitBunny


Posts: 6
Joined: 10/16/2012
Status: offline 		Hello everyone. :)
I'm new this site and have a few questions I'd like to ask. When did you first realize this lifestyle is part of who you are? Do you find that once you did, you felt liberated from your experience? Did you have a lightbulb moment when reflecting on your past?
I'll share my answers to be fair. :)

I believe I always knew this is part of who I am, even before I lost my virginity (very late age). I masturbated at least two or three times a day when I first discovered I could have an orgasm at a very young. I couldn't get enough sex and the more sex I did have, the more I wanted and the more I wanted to explore. This is probably normal, but as I got older I started to see throughtout the years, whomever my boyfriends were, did not feel the same. I wanted to make movies, have sex to porn, be choked, spanked, be fingered in public without anyone having a clue and much more. I was married a short time and even after begging to fuck to porn, he was not into it. I thought there was something wrong with me, felt guilt, shame and so on. Fast forward to only about a year and a half ago. I had my second threesome with this wonderful, wonderful couple that are good friends of mine. While another friend of ours watched. It was absolutely liberating. I loved every second of it. I was their toy to play with and I felt so in my element. Total respect in the whole experience. I wanted more, but I was left satisifed in a way I had never experienced before. I had met someone shortly after that and again, supressed it. Well, I think I've realized recently that my lifestyle desire is what caused all my breakups. Not because there is something wrong with me. No, I know that now (after having a good talk with a good Dom friend, whom I didn't know was one), but because my partner never felt like I was fully satisfied. I had to BEG for anything other than just regular (can't think of a better word) sex. Eventually, they all ended because their insecurities got the best of them. I wanted them to dominate me and not just in the bedroom and in non-sexual ways as well. Wanting to wear bondage under my clothes in public was never on the table, in any of my past relationships. Okay, so I could probably go on, but I hope it all makes sense to where I am going.
My last question. Do you think that because the lifestyle I desire was never the lifestyle my exes wanted, that that may be the reason why men could not trust me after only a few months thus ending relationships? I want more than anything to have mutual trust and respect, but no matter how much I gave, I was never fully trusted. I know that no relationship is "safe" from mistrust, but has anyone experienced this before your first D/s relationship? Did that change with your first D/s relationship?
Okay, so more than three questions, but I'm eager to read any responses.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: New to the site and have a few questions I'd like t... - 10/17/2012 6:24:16 PM   
chatterbox24


Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline
I will try to contribute. If this is your interest, first you should not try to be in a monogamous relationship. You are poly and need more beyond one person. YOur scope of thinking is very dfferent then those of the partners you are choosing. Most people are not poly, and will have a very difficult time understanding you.
My advice is, be independent, and as you do this, look for your partner. It may not be the partner who agrees readily either at first, but the one you find through time.
Take your time, be patient, don't act on impulse, and stand solid. Hard goals are the most rewarding.
Good luck to you!



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I am like a box of chocolates, you never know what variety you are going to get on any given day.

My crazy smells like jasmine, cloves and cat nip.

(in reply to PetitBunny)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: New to the site and have a few questions I'd like t... - 10/17/2012 6:42:18 PM   
PetitBunny


Posts: 6
Joined: 10/16/2012
Status: offline 		Thank you. I appreciates your advice and recommendations. :)

(in reply to chatterbox24)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: New to the site and have a few questions I'd like t... - 10/17/2012 6:52:52 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		Poly might actually be the right situation for you.

A word of advice: That would make you the elusive unicorn, something very sought after.

The competition for your attention will be stiff. I would advise to you take your time and don't settle for anything less than what you want.

I would also advise that you talk to the Dominant or both together first. This is the person that would have control over your life and you literally put your life into his hands. You need to know that he's not bat shit crazy. Submissives notoriously wear rose colored when it comes to their Dominant and you shouldn't take their word for the quality of their Dominant. If you're approached by the submissive first, I would recommend asking to speak to both together or the Dominant. If they're not willing to do that.....walk away.

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 10/17/2012 6:55:52 PM >

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to PetitBunny)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: New to the site and have a few questions I'd like t... - 10/17/2012 7:01:42 PM   
JanahX


Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline 		It sounds like youre a nympho and/or sex addict. This sounds like it has very little to do with D/s - and more about you being obsessed with sexual acts and not being able to get enough.

It wasnt about what your exes wanted - it was about what you wanted. Its what is known as a do-me sub. Sometimes - when guys are supposed to be on the "Top" end and the bottom makes it all about him/her - they dont like that very much and sometimes are known to move on.

People tend not to trust sex addicts - especially if youre in a monogamous relationship. It gets tiring. Just from your small paragraph - I can see where someone would pick up on this, and get wary of it right away.

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The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

The second rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.


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Profile   Post #: 5
RE: New to the site and have a few questions I'd like t... - 10/17/2012 7:03:57 PM   
Hillwilliam


Posts: 19394
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline 		Where were you when I was younger?...oh yeah, you were 12.

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Kinkier than a cheap garden hose.

Whoever said "Religion is the opiate of the masses" never heard Right Wing talk radio.

Don't blame me, I voted for Gary Johnson.

(in reply to JanahX)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: New to the site and have a few questions I'd like t... - 10/17/2012 10:26:15 PM   
descrite


Posts: 459
Joined: 5/14/2012
Status: offline
Simple answer (other than Hill's, which is perfect): the boys you were with were total pussies.

A petite girl who wants to screw a lot? To PORN?

If you want to come to California and play with me and some subs, I'll cover the airfare. 

(in reply to Hillwilliam)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: New to the site and have a few questions I'd like t... - 10/17/2012 10:31:40 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

I will try to contribute. If this is your interest, first you should not try to be in a monogamous relationship. You are poly and need more beyond one person. YOur scope of thinking is very dfferent then those of the partners you are choosing. Most people are not poly, and will have a very difficult time understanding you
.

Where did you get that she's poly? Because she had a threesome? Dear, that does not make one poly. I was in a poly for a very short while and hated it. I swore that I would never do poly ever again. Monogamy is just fine with me. I don't think monogamy is the reason people fuck up their relationships. It ends because they let their cock or vagina talk for them.



_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to chatterbox24)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: New to the site and have a few questions I'd like t... - 10/18/2012 7:56:43 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder
Where did you get that she's poly? Because she had a threesome? Dear, that does not make one poly. I was in a poly for a very short while and hated it. I swore that I would never do poly ever again. Monogamy is just fine with me. I don't think monogamy is the reason people fuck up their relationships. It ends because they let their cock or vagina talk for them.


I agree. It's entirely possible that it's her issues and that she'd have issues even within poly.


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: New to the site and have a few questions I'd like t... - 10/18/2012 8:54:30 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Exactly


_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

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Profile   Post #: 10
RE: New to the site and have a few questions I'd like t... - 10/18/2012 10:36:32 AM   
PetitBunny


Posts: 6
Joined: 10/16/2012
Status: offline 		I just don't understand what it is I did wrong. I've been faithful in all my relationships and have never entered into a monogamus relationship unless I new I could be 100% faithful, not having the desire to be with someone else. It's fine in the beginning. It's when I ask if he wants to tie me up and spank me until my ass is red and throbbing. I like to be dominated in other aspects, not just sexually. It's pyschological for me. Getting permission to do things, making me clean the house, run to the store because he has a craving for a certain flavor of ice cream, giving me a curfew or not, whenever he feels like it and not having to give me a reason why. When my boyfriends would ask me if I want to have sex, for some reason, my desire goes away or lessens. Of course I want to have sex. He would never has to ask me. I want him to just take me whenever he wants, without asking. If there are the rare times I really don't want to because I'm really sick with a terrible cold, then I'll mention it.
I ask sweetly if these are things they would want to do to me. I only want to be with a man who WANTS to do these things. It pleases me to please him. That's when the relationship changes. They start driving by my place to see if I'm home when I say I am. They start checking my cell phone and asking who every single person is in there. Accused me of wanting to bang their friends because we were in the same room together. Wanting to know who I was talking to, what the conversation was and so on. Where exactly did I go and do with my girlfriends that I would rarely see because he would be upset, jealous and skeptical about doing things without him. Why would all these things happen AFTER I bring up asking if he would want to do those things to me. Because I do have a few swinger friends that are couples, my ex thought that was too strange and coincidental for me to not be sleeping with all of them. I ended with him after about a year because he said he spent too much time wondering if I really loved him and he couldn't fully trust me. He said it was his issue, promised to work on it, and wanted me back.

Am I truly just a nympho/sex addict? Do none of these desires make me a submissive?

< Message edited by PetitBunny -- 10/18/2012 10:38:24 AM >

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: New to the site and have a few questions I'd like t... - 10/18/2012 10:47:30 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		That is the praxis of the problem.  It goes against childhood teachings, some fellas aren't adventurous in that way, some are plain scared and disturbed by it. 

Lets face it.  on its face, it doesn't make sense, inter alia.  Unless ....

But it is just that in the scheme of things, when we go out hunting, (and for you women, if you are hunting longer term, not if you want to get a rut on)  you are taken by pretty flowery 'decent' sort of fellows for the most part, and among the pointed conversations that one should have before jumping into the shingles and workbench together its not one you guys have up front alot of times.

You gotta get off the scared and say this is who I am.  And get with fellas that this is who they are, your complement (at least nominally, if I can get by with loosely using that word and maybe adding some work to it that it is not designed to do).

Anyway, you have a hella smile.  You are going at it about the way that it happens for all of us, and did for many in your age group.

Get older and its a whole different channel in everyones thinking with those years behind the belt, the cave-ins, the woulda, shoulda, couldas.....    

Thats my vagaries for the old brainpan.   

I did not delve into the second and separate jealousy question but it boils down to trust and communication and some insecurities on their parts that weren't settled.  The thesis on this would bring down the net.

< Message edited by mnottertail -- 10/18/2012 10:55:22 AM >

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to PetitBunny)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: New to the site and have a few questions I'd like t... - 10/18/2012 10:56:12 AM   
SinFix


Posts: 866
Joined: 4/1/2011
Status: offline 		You are whatever you want to call yourself...

Yes there are guys that would like a "sub" like you, though you do realize it is all about what he wants, if he doesn't want sex then you are shit outta luck kinda thing.... just go slow and be picky. Be honest from the start about what you are looking for in a relationship, though don't toss it out all at once.

Though it sounds like you started these relationships then halfway through tossed in a by the way I really like this. They probably felt that you had lied to them or at least were not completely honest. I would have been like wtf? and start to question everything you had told me up to that point as well, but that is just me..

(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: New to the site and have a few questions I'd like t... - 10/18/2012 11:04:21 AM   
PetitBunny


Posts: 6
Joined: 10/16/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

That is the praxis of the problem.  It goes against childhood teachings, some fellas aren't adventurous in that way, some are plain scared and disturbed by it. 

Lets face it.  on its face, it doesn't make sense, inter alia.  Unless ....

But it is just that in the scheme of things, when we go out hunting, (and for you women, if you are hunting longer term, not if you want to get a rut on)  you are taken by pretty flowery 'decent' sort of fellows for the most part, and among the pointed conversations that one should have before jumping into the shingles and workbench together its not one you guys have up front alot of times.

You gotta get off the scared and say this is who I am.  And get with fellas that this is who they are, your complement (at least nominally, if I can get by with loosely using that word and maybe adding some work to it that it is not designed to do).

Anyway, you have a hella smile.  You are going at it about the way that it happens for all of us, and did for many in your age group.

Get older and its a whole different channel in everyones thinking with those years behind the belt, the cave-ins, the woulda, shoulda, couldas.....    

Thats my vagaries for the old brainpan.   


That makes a lot of sense. That is why I decided to join collarme. I want to meet my complement (good word). I just need to be up front and not be scared about it. Thank you! Otherwise, I'm just going to be wasting both our times and not being fair if my potential partner is not part of that lifestyle, right?
Thank you for the compliment on my smile. :)
It's good to know that I am not alone in this. Glad my years of behind the belt, cave-ins, and the others are going to be left in the past, so I can truly be who I am.

(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: New to the site and have a few questions I'd like t... - 10/18/2012 11:11:31 AM   
PetitBunny


Posts: 6
Joined: 10/16/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SinFix

You are whatever you want to call yourself...

Yes there are guys that would like a "sub" like you, though you do realize it is all about what he wants, if he doesn't want sex then you are shit outta luck kinda thing.... just go slow and be picky. Be honest from the start about what you are looking for in a relationship, though don't toss it out all at once.

Though it sounds like you started these relationships then halfway through tossed in a by the way I really like this. They probably felt that you had lied to them or at least were not completely honest. I would have been like wtf? and start to question everything you had told me up to that point as well, but that is just me..


I never thought of it that way. You make a very valid point. Wow! Really, I wasn't being honest with myself first, so how CAN I expect them to trust me if I wasn't even doing that.

Yes, it is something I realize not getting sex even if I want it and he doesn't is something that is part of that relationship. It is something I like. I did have an open relationship with a dominate for quite a while and it was amazing. He would deny me sex and not allow me to masturbate. He started dating someone that wanted a monogamus, so we ended it. We are still very good friends. He was the one that told me I just need to be myself and not supress it. I sure do miss those toys....

< Message edited by PetitBunny -- 10/18/2012 11:13:43 AM >

(in reply to SinFix)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: New to the site and have a few questions I'd like t... - 10/18/2012 11:15:39 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		Its like high school reunions:

5 year:  Yeah, I am the Vice President of Interflexionvorkrach pullin down 200K and really living the dream. (response: wow I am doing pretty great myself)

10 year:  Yeah, needed some time off the mill, own a picture framing studio now making out like a bandit. (response: wow, nice you can live the dream and have it all)

20 year:  Well, been thru a couple wives, got upside down in my mortgage, but getting by...(response:  Wow, glad you are still making it. hope I can get that far)

30 year or 40 year.  Yeah, I been a crack whore for the last 20 years, sucking cock for 2 bucks a shot, I really fucked up.  (response:  wow, bet that don't come with dental)

Like that.  Be the best you can be, and you dont have to join the Marines to do it, and if you want to join them, thats fine too.




_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to PetitBunny)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: New to the site and have a few questions I'd like t... - 10/18/2012 11:44:35 AM   
CuriousFerret


Posts: 68
Joined: 10/16/2012
Status: offline 		When did I realize I was a BDSM bottom? Well, I feel kind of embarrassed over it now. I mean, I've gotten to be such a cast-iron skeptic, it's hard to fathom myself being serious about some of the things I used to believe.

I used to be religious, and I was really the only member of my family, at the time, who took religion seriously. I was one of those children who would say a meal prayer for a candy bar from the snack machine. I really wanted to be devout.

I had no interest in girls, and I ended up making a causal connection between that and my spirituality. I thought that I was going to be able to live a nice, clean, wholesome life, removed from the tawdry desires of the physical world. I realize how naive that was now, but I was a child. I think that children have permission to be naive.

Well, when I started creeping into my teens, the visions started to come...or, rather, they went from being vague and formless to developing a shape. I felt that some demon or monstrosity or something was holding me down, and I had a feeling of being violated. I didn't even know the gory details of sex at the time. I just associated it with "evil."

Thankfully, I gave up religion in my mid-teens, and this turned the monsters into laughable shadows. This was a seriously important step in my life. If I hadn't let go of religion under those circumstances, with all of that going on, I would be locked-up in a mental ward right now, and I am not even close to joking.

However, I suffered from depression throughout most of my adolescence, so most of my fantasies were correspondingly dark. If I'd been in a more urban setting, I would have probably ended up becoming a "willing victim" in some freak's dungeon. You know, I used to think that my depression was due to something inherently wrong with me, but I have NEVER ONCE been depressed since I got out of the household I grew up in. I think that's informative.

Eventually, I was adopted as a pet by a kindhearted man, and my time with him changed my outlook. He didn't seem to have an aggressive bone in his body. He guided me with wisdom alone, and it was really the first time in my life that I had experienced that level of patience and understanding. He would listen to my ditzy ramblings with a tender smile on his face. When I would ask him apologetically if I were boring him, he would just tell me how much he loved to hear me talk. He was the only experience I had ever had with unselfish kindness. I only regret that, in time, circumstances forced us apart.

I'm on my second dominant now. He runs a much more strict household than the former one, and his expectations are much higher. He feminized me extensively early in our courtship, having me wear a lot of dresses, lingerie, and high-heeled shoes. He knew I liked it. He is also extremely tenderhearted and sentimental, though. He cries easily, and he has an almost child-like faith in his ideals. In all my life, I have not known a more genuinely sensitive man. To me, he is my husband, not so much a master. I'm just submissive to him.

Ultimately, I think that being a sub is just the inevitable result of my background. I think it's something that develops...I don't think that it just appears like a light bulb over your head. But that's just my slant.

< Message edited by CuriousFerret -- 10/18/2012 11:59:29 AM >

(in reply to PetitBunny)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: New to the site and have a few questions I'd like t... - 10/18/2012 12:01:18 PM   
Darkfeather


Posts: 1142
Joined: 3/13/2007
Status: offline 		You have to know yourself, or at least be comfortable in your own skin first. Relationships in this lifestyle are no different than any other, people communicate their wants or desires, and act on them. In "normal" relationships, it could be as simple as similar interests or taste in food. Lifestyle, you add overlapping desires into the mix. And not everyone is that comfortable in admitting, or even clearly seeing, these desires. If you are comfortable with yours, you are already one step closer, because you can talk about them to potential partners

(in reply to PetitBunny)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: New to the site and have a few questions I'd like t... - 10/18/2012 1:00:04 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Most men see bdsm as meaning you are easy and sleep around and do all kinds of strange and weird stuff. They start seeing you in a totally different light. They start thinking you are sleeping with everyone and anyone. You must be because that's what "sluts" do. You told them what you are into and that's automatically what went through their head. Have you told these guys about your threesome after that? If so they are now looking at you in the "easy" and "slut" way.


_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to Darkfeather)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: New to the site and have a few questions I'd like t... - 10/18/2012 1:43:18 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		Very few men have read The Ethical Slut, though, littlewonder you hooer.

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 20
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