quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

I have been playing with somebody with a good month, and we enjoy OTK. I've tried to give her as much attention after it to make sure she able to calm down and center herself.

Lately, she isn't into the idea. After i'm done spanking, she will get up (as well as she can) and go about her business. She has broken down quite a few times during, and few times after- which leaves me very worried. I've discussed how important its for me to know she is alright. However she can't seem to give me a reason why holding her, or even giving her a few words of encouragement while she is laying across my lap bothers her.

Her feelings, I won't argue with- but it feels terrible to see her shaking like a lone leaf attached to a tree branch in the wind...and i can't do anything.

i'm not her dominant, so i can't necessarily put my foot down (other than stop seeing her)- but what can I do to help drive the point home that for somebody like her, its needed? Regardless if we continue to play or not?

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

...but what can I do to help drive the point home that for somebody like her, its needed?

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

I have been playing with somebody with a good month, and we enjoy OTK. I've tried to give her as much attention after it to make sure she able to calm down and center herself.

Lately, she isn't into the idea. After i'm done spanking, she will get up (as well as she can) and go about her business. She has broken down quite a few times during, and few times after- which leaves me very worried. I've discussed how important its for me to know she is alright. However she can't seem to give me a reason why holding her, or even giving her a few words of encouragement while she is laying across my lap bothers her.

Her feelings, I won't argue with- but it feels terrible to see her shaking like a lone leaf attached to a tree branch in the wind...and i can't do anything.

i'm not her dominant, so i can't necessarily put my foot down (other than stop seeing her)- but what can I do to help drive the point home that for somebody like her, its needed? Regardless if we continue to play or not?

She's just not into you. She sees you as just a casual play partner. Nothing serious, while you want to treat her as if she is something more than casual. Or it could be that she just doesn't like aftercare. Not everyone does. There are some times, depending on many different factors, when I have a little too much energy and so I'm up and doing stuff.

quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious


You can't. Instead you could stop patronising her and assuming that you know what she does or doesn't 'need' better than she does. ('Somebody like her'? Really? Way to put a human being in a box.)

An article that might interest you: https://fetlife.com/users/16981/posts/132423

quote:

ORIGINAL: crazyml

You know, I think that the fact that your worrying, and you're considerate about aftercare reflects really well on you (and I'm not surprised at all by your approach).

But I think that both DS and littlewonder make really useful points.

For many people the "Aftercare" they want is to be left alone to process the experience their way. I've had a couple of instances where, like you, that processing left me a little disturbed and anxious, but the very best you can do is make it clear that you're there, and willing to provide support if it's required.

It could also be, as littlewonder pointed out, that your sub doesn't feel the necessary level of intimacy with you (at this time) for aftercare?

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

I have to agree with the others. It sounds like she wants to process in her own way. The 'after' may be exactly what she wants out of the deal. She wouldn't be the first person I ever heard of who wanted to play so she could get in touch with the way she feels after the endorphins stop pumping. I used to know a gal who only played a few times a year, but it was for the specific purpose of having a good cry all on her own.

What you have to ask yourself as a top is, can you handle the fact that she *doesn't* want aftercare and are *you* ok without it? If I remember right, you have somebody at home who may be willing to cuddle with you after sessions are over if you feel that you need it, but I'm asking more about the feeling that inspired this thread. It seems to Me that the situation bothers you somewhat, which is perfectly understandable just because you're a compassionate human being. So, what you have to ask yourself is if you can be cool with the arrangement as it stands? To be honest, some tops can't handle play without aftercare, either because they need it for themselves or they might run across a situation that causes them distress like what you are explaining here. You wouldn't be the first person who felt a tad of guilt because the person you are playing with processes differently than you do.

I do hope that it is a workable situation for the two of you and that you are able to both get what you need from the experience.

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

That she can't verbalize the issue I see as a big red flag. I would not continue to play with her unless and until she is willing to be more communicative.

This is my take on it, but then I've learned to be very cautious about casual play partners in my old age. As in, I don't have them.


ETA: I reread and realized my post might be misconstrued. If she could say, "I'm fine, I just want to be left alone," then I wouldn't necessarily see it as a red flag. But she's not saying anything, she's leaving you to guess. This is never good, but that's JMO.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

I'm oddly excited because I was waiting for your input.

But to answer your question, yes- I can very well handle her not wanting it. Different strokes for different folks and whatnot.

Its just treading that line of not knowing what to do, while being conflicted with leaving her be - which has become a feeling that I feel I should do, or making the suggestion (i don't feel i'm in the position to push) of some type of bonded aftercare- which is what I've been taught to do.

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

And that's what worries me, she's giving you nothing. Even, "I'm not sure what is going on, but I'd like to handle it on my own," is SOMETHING.

Not sure how to remedy this if she won't talk, but sometimes people won't talk unless they have to. Many tell her you won't continue to play unless she can be a bit more vocal, b/c you're not comfortable as things are.

I doubt this will work, but it's better than having this person come back at some point and bite you in the butt. I'm not trying to make you paranoid, but she's not letting you know what you're dealing with, so some part of your mind has to go there.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

I'm oddly excited because I was waiting for your input.

But to answer your question, yes- I can very well handle her not wanting it. Different strokes for different folks and whatnot.

Its just treading that line of not knowing what to do, while being conflicted with leaving her be - which has become a feeling that I feel I should do, or making the suggestion (i don't feel i'm in the position to push) of some type of bonded aftercare- which is what I've been taught to do.

That was so very sweet of you to say. Thank you.

If it were Me, I'd just let her know that the option is available if she would decide that she wants it. (You'd be willing to do that if she changed her mind on the subject, yes?) Other than that, just accept the idea that you are both getting what you want, even if it's a little different than what you were taught. I mean no offense in that. It's just that there are some out there who don't fit into that majority (or so it seems) on the aftercare issue.

I know it can seem a little weird when we run into that first person who goes against the tide on the aftercare issue. As tops, we almost feel like we're doing something wrong. It's very similar to having that first person who doesn't really *like* what we are doing as a sadist, but deep down, that's what they really want. It's a part of how we grow.

Of course, there are still the regular things. You know, still have things on hand if she decides she wants them. Allot time should she choose to want it. If she doesn't, you can always read, talk, laugh, whatever it is that you might like to do. Hell, I baked cookies one time because I was giving somebody space, but I thought it was a good idea to be nearby. It sounds funny now, but at the time, it was the perfect solution to making sure she was ok and not crowding her at the same time.