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Advice: Dom who declines an initial vanilla meet - 10/19/2012 1:27:27 AM   
darkenchantments


Posts: 51
Joined: 10/3/2012
Status: offline 		Hi guys

A question on behalf of a friend, who doesn't want to post himself since he's currently talking to a dom, and he anticipates the dom would break it off if he knew about this question. Not a good start!

My friend has been on the scene for some time, and is a bit more extreme in his likes than me. He also prefers guys, especially what I'd call strong minded ones. He's presently talking to a guy and leading up to a meet. However, the dom has refused to meet for a vanilla 'get to know you better' drink or anything, and is insisting that he comes direct to my friend's home in the early hours of the morning - he has a long drive after finishing work - to spend the weekend. My friend is to reimburse his petrol expenses and to be waiting naked, kneeling face to the wall, for what comes!

Now my friend knows this isn't necessarily the best idea in the world.......but when he tried to push it, the dom broke off contact, although they are now talking again.

I've checked out the dom's profile, and it isn't encouraging. There's no pic, no posting history. Its so mis-spelled it reads rather like one of those middle eastern ones looking for your email addy; although the guy could just be dyslexic. And its all about looking for a woman and what he's going to do to her, and no mention of wanting a guy. Yet my friend says that when they talk on the phone, which they have done several times, the guy speaks like an intelligent Englishman, and is really quite nice.. Apparently in a recent conversation they spent more time discussing their cars than anything else! He's now told my friend he wants him to be naked at all times in the house, getting used to it before the dom visits.

I must also add that my friend is in a postion to not have to work any longer and can afford to live the life 24/7 without hardship, and mentions on his profile that he can help finance his dom.

Now for me, and to be totally honest, I think for my friend, this rings alarm bells. He's enjoying talking with this guy and is hoping it may lead somewhere, but is aware it seems a bit risky and dubious. I've offered my advice; but my friend agreed for me to post here to ask some of you guys. Does this sound to you like reasonable behaviour, or would your advice be to run like hell? Are they both likely just engaging in furious wank fantasies? My friend isn't a fantasist, and is quite genuine; but is he being lead by his dick in this, even more than we guys usually are?

Your postitive advice would be most welcome.

_____________________________

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exactly as they are'.

The Buddha

I only turned to the dark side for the chocolate..........
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RE: Advice: Dom who declines an initial vanilla meet - 10/19/2012 2:23:49 AM   
PunisherNOLA


Posts: 50
Joined: 9/27/2005
Status: offline 		No brainer here.. Guy refuses to meet for drinks = Run like hell.

(in reply to darkenchantments)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Advice: Dom who declines an initial vanilla meet - 10/19/2012 2:40:40 AM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline 		He broke off contact after a request to meet in person? If that is something your friend needs to feel comfortable, he shouldn't compromise on it. That would make me feel like I dodged a bullet.

And he really SHOULD NOT have any information on his finances on his profile. That is just begging for the wrong kind of attention.

_____________________________

Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica


(in reply to PunisherNOLA)
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RE: Advice: Dom who declines an initial vanilla meet - 10/19/2012 3:31:11 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		I'd advise your friend to dump this guys info, block the guys access to your friend. Your friend should be telling this guy to fuck off, because (if your friend has ANY self respect/esteem, then he deserves to be treated to respect in a vanilla environment and setting (with strictly vanilla expectations and behaviours) BEFORE he agrees to anything like the scenario the guy demanded.

Sounds to me like your friend is nothing but a wallet with a dick to the guy.

_____________________________

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Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)
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RE: Advice: Dom who declines an initial vanilla meet - 10/19/2012 4:01:15 AM   
BoundSlave4Life


Posts: 116
Joined: 7/25/2006
Status: offline 		Run. Run like the wind. Your friend needs to worry about his safety, and if this "Dominant" isn't understanding of that then your friend needs to be EXTRA cautious and RUN!

(in reply to GreedyTop)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Advice: Dom who declines an initial vanilla meet - 10/19/2012 4:17:44 AM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		There are so many red flags here it's ridiculous to think that anyone could take this seriously.

- the Dom refusing to meet first
- the Dom wanting to come to your friend's house
- the Dom wanting to spend the weekend on a first meet
- your friend supposed to be waiting naked and defenseless
- the Dom breaking things off when your friend pushed for a meeting
- the sparse Dom profile with all the hallmarks of an uneducated wanker (not really looking for a relationship, just for
opportunities)
- the fact that the Dom has nothing in his profile about wanting a man (so he saw an opportunity to grab)
- the disparity between the Dom and his profile (ever think the guy on the phone is a friend perhaps in cahoots with the profile
guy? Especially since they talk about cars)
- the mention of money in your friend's profile. That was incredibly stupid. No one will look at him as a man, they'll be looking at
his wallet.

For some reason the idea of this guy has gotten under your friend's skin big time and he's kind of hearing your concerns, but ignoring them. Women have much more practice at being safe, we have to worry about it much more, your friend is setting himself up to be robbed and hurt non-consensually. After all he'll be nicely positioned for that being naked and ready to be tied up while people make off with his stuff. And the guy wanted to be there for a weekend, that way your friend wouldn't have anyone scheduled to come over. Your friend is inviting the thievery, he's saying he's got money and the BDSM is giving them a way to get into his home.

Look at it this way, how can your friend share his time with someone 24/7 and help finance a relationship if he's been hurt and robbed? He needs to safeguard the things he has better so he can use them in the manner that he intended to. So he needs to keep his finances to himself and get to know people first before any kind of commitments.

(in reply to darkenchantments)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Advice: Dom who declines an initial vanilla meet - 10/19/2012 4:56:49 AM   
PurrPett


Posts: 33
Joined: 10/14/2012
Status: offline 		Eek!!!
I am a mere newbie to the meetings and the exploration of people in this world... But I hear this a LOT
"sane, safe, consensual". This sentence alone to me says use your common sense and follow your heart!!

Your friend knows already (if only a niggling, a niggle is all he needs!) that he's not doing a wise thing I think.. No one is worth putting his safety in terrible danger!! Physically or emotionally.... I agree with everyone else... Run rabbit, run!!!!

And maybe change the finance part too ;-) ... Doesn't seem important in the large scheme of things.

Best of luck to him!! Beat him with a stick if necessary .. To open his eyes naturally ;-)). Lol
xx

(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Advice: Dom who declines an initial vanilla meet - 10/19/2012 4:59:52 AM   
leonine


Posts: 409
Joined: 11/3/2009
From: [email protected]
Status: offline 		What they all said. You shouldn't go to someone else's place to play on the stregth of online and phone contacts, and as for having someone come round... Run, do not walk to the nearest exit.

_____________________________

Leo9


Gonna pack in my hand, pick up on a piece of land and build myself a cabin in the woods.
It's there I'm gonna stay, until there comes a day when this old world starts a-changing for the good.
- James Taylor

(in reply to PurrPett)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Advice: Dom who declines an initial vanilla meet - 10/19/2012 5:05:03 AM   
BurntKitty


Posts: 3340
Joined: 9/7/2010
From: Here To Eternity.
Status: offline 		The so called dominant is telling your friend what he wants to hear. He's charming & endearing on the phone in order to catch your friend off his guard.

I agree with the others. If the guy won't meet in a neutral setting, there's a major red flag. Having him kneeling naked when the guy comes in? Almost sounds like a script for Criminal Minds or CSI. You don't want to find out your friend was a victim of some twisted con man.

(Yes, I watch waaay too many criminal dramas.)

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(in reply to darkenchantments)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Advice: Dom who declines an initial vanilla meet - 10/19/2012 5:06:08 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		fast reply

Yeh this guy is bad news.

I know some people are happy to play on the first meet or go straight to their house - not my choice, but whatever. But refusing a perfectly reasonable request that would make the other person feel more comfortable? Then manipulating him by cutting off contact to make him feel bad? Yikes.

Even if this guy isn't a psycho/planning to rob your friend, he clearly has no respect for your friend or his feelings. If he doesn't respect it now, what's the chances of him respecting him when he's tied up and shouting his safeword? Or afterwards when he's saying 'I don't feel well, I think I need a doctor'.

If I were your friend I'd get rid of this guy right away. If he's determined to give him a shot, then I'd suggest insisting on that vanilla meet (with no expectation of going home together later) with no money exchanging hands for petrol. I'd make it clear that his safety and his comfort are important and if he doesn't like it he can stuff it. A vanilla meet is a perfectly reasonable request. Disregarding someone's feelings and needs and pulling the emotional blackmail card does not make for a good relationship. It will only get worse - he's still in the 'best behaviour' phase trying to impress him.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Advice: Dom who declines an initial vanilla meet - 10/19/2012 5:14:21 AM   
kinkerbel


Posts: 2
Joined: 10/18/2012
Status: offline 		This is a tragedy waiting to happen. Seriously, there's not much more for me to expand on that hasn't already been said- I would highly suggest your friend either break it off with the guy, or give him one chance to meet in a well lit public location.

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Advice: Dom who declines an initial vanilla meet - 10/19/2012 5:19:40 AM   
LadyMondenschein


Posts: 88
Joined: 12/1/2009
Status: offline 		This may be coming a bit late, but tell your friend to break off the meeting NOW. No reasons need be given. The "dom" wants to come to your friend' s home and not meet in public. That spells to me like he's got some thing major to hide; not wanting to be in public. Like PurrPett said, in a different way, if need be, slap your friend upside the head, have him wake up and smell the coffee, drench him in it if necessary, but he should get this bastard out of his life the sooner the better. And if the guy is still thinking of showing up at your friend's place, have your friend have some strong male friends over who can back him up and witness any kind of 'stunt' the bullying motherfucker may try to pull. 
Explain to him how and why so many things are being set up to go wrong. Like he doesn't already know, but maybe he needs someone to yell it loud enough that it reverberates in his brain enough to make enough sense for him to see it.
And  acknowledge it!

(in reply to PurrPett)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Advice: Dom who declines an initial vanilla meet - 10/19/2012 5:20:31 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi

There are so many red flags here it's ridiculous to think that anyone could take this seriously.

- the Dom refusing to meet first
- the Dom wanting to come to your friend's house
- the Dom wanting to spend the weekend on a first meet
- your friend supposed to be waiting naked and defenseless
- the Dom breaking things off when your friend pushed for a meeting
- the sparse Dom profile with all the hallmarks of an uneducated wanker (not really looking for a relationship, just for
opportunities)
- the fact that the Dom has nothing in his profile about wanting a man (so he saw an opportunity to grab)
- the disparity between the Dom and his profile (ever think the guy on the phone is a friend perhaps in cahoots with the profile
guy? Especially since they talk about cars)
- the mention of money in your friend's profile. That was incredibly stupid. No one will look at him as a man, they'll be looking at
his wallet.



I personally know of someone who agreed to meet in a hotel room, naked and kneeling away from the door. The "domme" came in, stole his wallet and jewelry, and literally laughed all the way out the door. And I think he got off lucky, it could have turned into a CSI incident all too easily.

RUN, don't walk, away from this many red flags.



_____________________________



(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Advice: Dom who declines an initial vanilla meet - 10/19/2012 5:26:32 AM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: darkenchantments

Hi guys

A question on behalf of a friend, who doesn't want to post himself since he's currently talking to a dom, and he
anticipates the dom would break it off if he knew about this question. Not a good start!

Here is where I see the problem lies. If I was in the getting to know each other stage with a potential Dom
and felt unsure about some things, I would expect him to want me to find the answers that may put me more at ease.
Having a total stranger come to my house and insist on me being naked and defenseless is a humongous
RED FLAG, so of course this dom doesn't want your friend to seek advice.
Not a good start indeed.

_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to darkenchantments)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Advice: Dom who declines an initial vanilla meet - 10/19/2012 5:31:56 AM   
Hillwilliam


Posts: 19394
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline 		I've seen fewer red flags at one of the old Soviet mayday parades.

Tell your friend to run like hell.

_____________________________

Kinkier than a cheap garden hose.

Whoever said "Religion is the opiate of the masses" never heard Right Wing talk radio.

Don't blame me, I voted for Gary Johnson.

(in reply to poise)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Advice: Dom who declines an initial vanilla meet - 10/19/2012 5:33:13 AM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline 		haha :) nice on, Hill.



_____________________________

Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica


(in reply to Hillwilliam)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Advice: Dom who declines an initial vanilla meet - 10/19/2012 5:42:22 AM   
searching4mysir


Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
Status: offline 		FR

Your friend is thinking with his dick.

Tell the "dom" to go fuck himself and block contact. That is a murder waiting to happen.

_____________________________

No longer searching -- found my one and only right here on CM


(in reply to LillyBoPeep)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Advice: Dom who declines an initial vanilla meet - 10/19/2012 5:44:19 AM   
BoundSlave4Life


Posts: 116
Joined: 7/25/2006
Status: offline 		lizi said it perfectly.

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Advice: Dom who declines an initial vanilla meet - 10/19/2012 5:59:55 AM   
MyMasterStephen


Posts: 219
Joined: 8/16/2005
Status: offline 		If your friend is dumb enough to go for this, he deserves the consequnces. Russian roulette with an automatic...


< Message edited by MyMasterStephen -- 10/19/2012 6:00:49 AM >

(in reply to darkenchantments)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Advice: Dom who declines an initial vanilla meet - 10/19/2012 6:05:02 AM   
bighappygoth39


Posts: 633
Joined: 10/7/2009
Status: offline 		It's all already been said, but I'll add that I've found alarm bells are usually there for a damn good reason and should definitely not be ignored.
It could be that this guy is just toying with your friend and has no intention of actually turning up anyway, and just likes the idea of him waiting for him as he's told him to, but my advice would be, if you're a good friend to this person, then you can't let them agree to this, unless they tell this dom that there will be someone else in the house in another room for their safety. I'm sure that'll soon mean another break in contact...

_____________________________

I just lurrves me chesticles, I do. :)

Don't judge a book by its cover, it could well be worth a good sniff or two...

(in reply to darkenchantments)
Profile   Post #: 20
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