Duskypearls
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Joined: 8/21/2011
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AnE, I could be way off base here, but it sounds to me as though there may be a direct link between past bullying experiences and this particular punishment, which during both of these events, you were treated, and/or felt you were treated, unfairly. In your mind, you did nothing to deserve either.
During trauma/abuse, especially in youth, one of the ways we may deal with it is by disassociating. Disassociation is a psychological term for a coping/defense/protective mechanism utilized (usually unconsciously) to tolerate, minimize, overcome or survive stress, conflict or pain (physical/mental/emotional/sexual). During such irreconcilable/painful experiences, disassociation basically allows one to disconnect/detach (in varying degrees) from the present, all too painful reality. It's as if a part of them leaves their body, as it is not perceived/felt to be safe to be in the body. As you said, you "...just disconnected. I tried to pretend I wasn't there. I sang songs to myself in my head and waited for it to be over." THAT is a perfect example of intentionally disassociating. I suspect you had already begun the process of disassociating before actually receiving the punishment from your Dom. You did not say whether his punishment was physical in nature, but even if it wasn't, perhaps that wouldn't matter so much.
Depending upon the degree of disassociation, it may be anywhere from easy to difficult, to impossible, to come back "into the body," without some help, corrective or stabilizing influences. Until that complete reintegration occurs, one functions with that part (s) of themselves shut down/not available. They are not whole and fully responding or functioning. During such times, one's perceptions and responses may be clouded, unbalanced and unnatural. Until such healing occurs, one is functioning on less than all cylinders.
While sometimes triggered by trauma/abuse, disassociation may also triggered by stress, fear, drugs, alcohol, etc., or even by no identifiable trigger.
You say this was your Dom's first punishment to you. You were badly bullied in school. Your Dom's punishment was horrible to you. Both were undeserved and very traumatic. My guess is this perceived unfair, undeserved punishment triggered disassociation as it was, more or less, a replay of the bullying incident, which you say, "...just put me back in that place." This is because there was not complete reintegration/healing from the bullying incident. This is obviously also lacking since your Dom's punishment, for as you say, "...for weeks after that, I obeyed without craving. I had no interest in sex. I couldn't get in touch with that part of myself that aches with hunger."
When all parts of oneself are not present and functioning normally, as in the case when disassociated, other parts of them, normally available, are not available, i.e., healthy sexual desire, as one example. There might also be a loss joy, passion, creativity, etc., as enough of them is still disconnected, so things don't work right or normally.
AnE, I could be way off base here, but it sounds to me as though may be a direct link between past bullying experiences and this particular punishment, which during both of these events, you were treated, and/or felt you were treated, unfairly. In your mind, you did nothing to deserve either.
During trauma/abuse, especially in youth, one of the ways we may deal with it is by disassociating. Disassociation is a psychological term for a coping/defense/protective mechanism utilized (usually unconsciously) to tolerate, minimize, overcome or survive stress, conflict or pain (physical/mental/emotional/sexual). During such irreconcilable/painful experiences, disassociation basically allows one to disconnect/detach (in varying degrees) from the present, too painful reality. It's as if a part of them leaves their body, as it is not perceived/felt to be safe to be in the body. As you said, you "...just disconnected. I tried to pretend I wasn't there. I sang songs to myself in my head and waited for it to be over." THAT is a classic example of intentionally disassociating. I suspect you had already begun the process of disassociating before actually receiving the punishment from your Dom. You did not say whether his punishment was physical in nature, but even if it wasn't, perhaps that wouldn't matter so much.
Depending upon the degree of disassociation, it may be anywhere from easy to difficult, to impossible, to come back "into the body," without some help, corrective or stabilizing influences. Until that complete reintegration occurs, one functions with that part (s) of themselves shut down/not available. They are not whole and fully responding or functioning. During such times, one's perceptions and responses may be clouded, unbalanced and unnatural. Until such healing occurs, one is functioning on less than all cylinders.
While sometimes triggered by trauma/abuse, disassociation may also triggered by stress, fear, drugs, alcohol, etc., or even by no identifiable trigger at all.
You say this was your Dom's first punishment to you. You were badly bullied in school. Your Dom's punishment was horrible to you. Both were undeserved and very traumatic. My guess is this perceived unfair, undeserved punishment triggered disassociation as it was, more or less, a replay of the bullying incident, which you say, "...just put me back in that place." This is because there was not complete reintegration/healing from the bullying incident. This is obviously lacking since the Dom's punishment, as well, for as you say, "...for weeks after that, I obeyed without craving. I had no interest in sex. I couldn't get in touch with that part of myself that aches with hunger."
When all parts of oneself are not present and functioning normally, as in the case of being disassociated, other parts of them, normally available, are not available, i.e., healthy sexual desire, as one example. There might also be a loss joy, passion, creativity, etc., as enough parts of them is still disconnected, so things don't work right or normally. You say you, "...stumbled back into my hunger. We both know, we were lucky to find a way through it."
You may have, for the moment, partially found a way through it, but it is not healed. Your work on this is not done, and in fact, has only just begun. Until, with good therapeutic help, you have deeply investigated, understood, mentally and experientially, and fully healed and released what the early bullying incident did to you, and how it replayed itself out in the recent punishment incident, it will continue to rear its head again, and again, as it is an inner wound that needs be healed. In time, if not dealt with, it will work very much against you, and prevent you from being fully present, fully authentic, and fully intimate with yourself, your Dom or any future Dom or person. In time, you would see it emerge as a repeating pattern, that will continue to intefere if not resolved. Perhaps you will be "triggered" into disassociating by completely non-physical incidents, even just by another's words that you perceive are threatening, or as anything that even remotely reminds you, consciously or subconsciously. And it will happen in a flash, so quickly, it'll knock and close you down before you've even know you've been triggered, mentally, emotionally or physically.
The good news is you have a Dom that seems to care for you. The bad news is he acted out of frustration, would not listen to you, and literally harangued you for 45 minutes, which would have caused you to disassociate even more.
If you feel my post even remotely suggests this might be what's happened to you, the most important thing for you is to become very educated on the subject, get help in healing it, and most importantly, explain to your Dom what happens, what triggers it, what makes it worse, i.e., 45 min. harangues and punishment while youre in a disassociated state, and what makes it better. You must learn, and teach him the signs associated with being in this state (sometimes there are not obvious external signs - it can be all internal), what to do and say, and what not to do and say. This is a very serious business, and much damage can be done, even by the well-intended, if they are not highly educated on it, well-skilled in countering this state, and grounding and bringing you back into the present. If this is what is happening to you, you CANNOT allow yourself to be punished when disassociated.
The great news is that once you and he are educated about, and properly equipped to deal with this, it can help to forge much deeper and intimate bonds between you. If he is your Dom and wants not to permanently harm you, and you have both agreed to a punishment dynamic, you must ONLY do it when you are not being "triggered." This means you and he must learn you, inside and out. He must learn to read you like a book, and ask whatever questions are necessary to know when it is safe, and not safe to punish you, and how to assist you when you are disassociated. You MUST tell him about this NOT during a punishment, but during a safe time when he is rested and receptive. You MUST tell him when you are being triggered. If you tend to become uncommunicative, and shut down, when triggered, between you two, decide upon a hand signal, which you must always make, and he must always honor. If these criteria are not met by both of you, you will only end up fearing and mistrusting him, will come to resent him and will distance yourself from him, internally and/or physically. You and your Dom may need to find other way to punish you, that will not cause you to be triggered.
You say, "I'm beginning to wonder if I'm even really a submissive, because, frankly, I can see that, as our relationship is, he does have the right to punish me, and I am not able to accept that. In a way, I'm topping from the bottom." I may be wrong, but I do not sense from anything you have written that you are anything but a submissive, at least at this time. And if this tendency to disassociate when traumatized is your situation, then I do not see it as a case of topping from the bottom. It is more a case of self-defense/protection, self-survival reactions from you to trauma, and is completely NORMAL for your situation. Whether threats you perceive are real or imagined, or in the present or past, such reactions/responses are an absolutely necessity, and I would actually be more worried if you did not have them.
AnE, dear, if you feel like the shoe fits from what I have written, or if you would simply like more information on the subject, I invite you to PM me anytime. I have had more than my share of experience in this regard, and would honored to assist a sister suffering the same malady, in any way I possibly could.
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How do you learn to accept punishment? - 
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