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RE: Help: GF and D/s - 10/26/2012 11:23:03 AM

QueenRah

Posts: 380
Joined: 6/3/2005
Status: offline

Theo,

Everyone has a right to full disclosure, in relationship. You did, indeed, obfuscate your true nature and deceived this young lady. You screwed up, buddy, sorry to say. I recommend that you be responsible, at last, and let her know everything. If she isn't game, and you "need what you need," let her go, if she hasn't already opted to dump you, after that stunt you pulled - ambush, indeed! You are wasting her valuable time and energy.

_____________________________

Life's too short to drink cheap booze!

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 21

RE: Help: GF and D/s - 10/26/2012 12:01:26 PM

chatterbox24

Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ClassAct2006

The trouble is you think love will conquer all when the brain chemicals are raging in the first 1 - 3 years but then gay man with female wife or sub like I am with man who is vanilla but trying to accommodate you, doesn't then always quite work out.

Someone can try to spank me or take charge although they often start laughing when trying to do it if they aren't really dom, rather than its naturally flowing, but I cannot see how you can sustain it over time if it's not your inclination which is why it can seem like coming home for me to be with a naturally inherently dominant man who has felt dom since he was as young as I felt sub and never been any different.

quote:

ORIGINAL: chatterbox24

THese things are really hard to make a call on, cause everyone is sooooooooo different. I think if one is pretending and just going along, because of that 'FEEL GOOD' and it is not a genuine WANT to actually please the person, and a change they whole heartedly want to make...a awesome inspiration...I think except in the very rare exceptions, its doomed, its only a matter of time.

50 shades is merely a fantasy book, but it does give one good message. A non submissive, and a dom change bits of each other to suit each other because thats what you do when you truly love each other, when its mutual, and you truly want happiness for your partner. Its that love which is the motivation and I think that is what defines true love. Until it is actually experienced, it is very difficult for anyone to know what the pure definition is. So difficult, these kind of situations.

_____________________________

I am like a box of chocolates, you never know what variety you are going to get on any given day.

My crazy smells like jasmine, cloves and cat nip.

(in reply to ClassAct2006)

Post #: 22

RE: Help: GF and D/s - 10/26/2012 12:43:26 PM

TheLostGypsySub

Posts: 4
Joined: 10/14/2012
Status: offline

Hello Theo...
Well... Neither of you are stuck or forced into this relationship...it's as simple as this....
It depends on... Her age.... Her Heritage.... Family Upbringing & Life... The circle of friends she keeps....
When you 2 met.... You were smitten with each other... You were ok with the fact that she leads a vanilla life style....but I'm 100% positive she's kinky...
The scenario you put her in..... Was sooooooo wrong & cowardly...(trying to push your responsibility on to your friends).... Best thing to do is while she's studying & giving you time to think of your actions(Very smart woman).... You can do your own studying.... And here's your assignment.... DO NOT SCARE HER with a movie etc.... You call yourself a Master so be a Master & Don't intimidate or be intimidated....& have your say....but allow her time to think & to understand it....remember you are not showing her or being a true Master....You are contradicting yourself & BDSM by not being honest & taking responsibility.....
Write/type.... What BDSM means to you... Why you like it,believe in it,live it, How & what made you get into it, .... Where it's changed & improved you as a person.... Starting Point....
Explain The foundations & what it's based on...
TRUST... HONESTY... RESPECT....(Not the Ds 24/7.... & SM)...just baby steps...It's a foreign language to her...
Explain the 1950's era... Domination to some think loss of freedom & being used & abused....
Theo.....
Always remember"NORMAL SOCIETY" don't understand or know any better.....& are scared of change & the unknown... There are people that wants to abuse a partner...& they call them selves Sirs/Doms/Masters.... A cover up for their actions...
Life is a 2 way street...
And you can never change a person...
BUT most importantly.... YOU.... You Theo must never forget the reason you chose to be with her...
And why & what made you fall in love with her....
I've helped hundreds of individuals & couples... Through a variety of topics....One on One sessions....Couples...Teenagers that think or have been made to believe they are worthless...The Separated/divorced groups.... To National Seminars....
So if you need any advice or your partner would like to talk to a Non-judgamental outsider...because she's too shy...embarrassed that her query is silly...She might walk away because she's scared & thinks she has no-one but you... What's going to happen when you abandon her?& she's given up her life(safety net).. Just to be yours....
Email me on this site... & we'll go from there....
Good luck...
PS... BABY STEPS....xx

(in reply to QueenRah)

Post #: 23

RE: Help: GF and D/s - 10/26/2012 12:47:59 PM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MAINEiacMISTRESS

Why do you assume she's a submissive? Is it because she's FEMALE? (just because she'll let you roll her around in the bed, or even indulge in a little spank-&-tie doesn't necessarily make her A SUBMISSIVE) Yes, sounds like you really did AMBUSH her at dinner...after all she was rather "trapped" there with a gang of chauvanist males ("OMFG, IN THIS DAY AND AGE? REALLY?" Would be most women's first response). The fact that she didn't blister your dignity in front of your friends is a tribute to her self control. Perhaps she actually does love you after all, poor woman. Consider this time-out she's given you a penance for what you have done, and be thankful she didn't dump your ass.

Absolutely this!! Also has anyone considered that laughing, controlling the timing of discussion, & mocking the mysoginist picture presented she's a Domme prospect? When I was first presented with kink my response to crops & floggers was oooh toys :) whoa wait you want to WHAT with that?!? Loved the tools but hated (like passionate hate) the idea that the receiving end was all could look forward to. So many doms waste time chasing the elusive poly bi sub that they throw on the brakes & run at the idea of being in a Dom/Domme couple. Its honestly not as difficult as men make it out to be!!
Frankly my experience & my Dom partner proved to me that being a strong & powerful woman doesn't diminish who you are. Him cooking dinner or me treating his wounds doesn't lessen who the other is, it strengthened the bond of respect between us! On a particularly bad day for him I gave him the option of a BJ or a swift boot in the ass if he didn't stop his unprofessional tantrum I heard about a mile away. He grinned ear to ear finally compromising on lunch to talk telling me I wouldn't know how to be on my knees for him any more than he would know how to let me. I got a big kiss with the comment" it takes a loving strong woman to threaten me with a boot in the ass & an even stronger one to make him believe ido it!!"
In short nut up & talk to the woman!! She may be kinky, just opposed to being on your leash. Only you can decide if you're mature enough to deal with that

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to MAINEiacMISTRESS)

Post #: 24

RE: Help: GF and D/s - 10/26/2012 12:51:36 PM

UllrsIshtar

Posts: 3693
Joined: 7/28/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TheLostGypsySub

Hello Theo...
Well... Neither of you are stuck or forced into this relationship...it's as simple as this....
It depends on... Her age.... Her Heritage.... Family Upbringing & Life... The circle of friends she keeps....
When you 2 met.... You were smitten with each other... You were ok with the fact that she leads a vanilla life style....but I'm 100% positive she's kinky...
The scenario you put her in..... Was sooooooo wrong & cowardly...(trying to push your responsibility on to your friends).... Best thing to do is while she's studying & giving you time to think of your actions(Very smart woman).... You can do your own studying.... And here's your assignment.... DO NOT SCARE HER with a movie etc.... You call yourself a Master so be a Master & Don't intimidate or be intimidated....& have your say....but allow her time to think & to understand it....remember you are not showing her or being a true Master....You are contradicting yourself & BDSM by not being honest & taking responsibility.....
Write/type.... What BDSM means to you... Why you like it,believe in it,live it, How & what made you get into it, .... Where it's changed & improved you as a person.... Starting Point....
Explain The foundations & what it's based on...
TRUST... HONESTY... RESPECT....(Not the Ds 24/7.... & SM)...just baby steps...It's a foreign language to her...
Explain the 1950's era... Domination to some think loss of freedom & being used & abused....
Theo.....
Always remember"NORMAL SOCIETY" don't understand or know any better.....& are scared of change & the unknown... There are people that wants to abuse a partner...& they call them selves Sirs/Doms/Masters.... A cover up for their actions...
Life is a 2 way street...
And you can never change a person...
BUT most importantly.... YOU.... You Theo must never forget the reason you chose to be with her...
And why & what made you fall in love with her....
I've helped hundreds of individuals & couples... Through a variety of topics....One on One sessions....Couples...Teenagers that think or have been made to believe they are worthless...The Separated/divorced groups.... To National Seminars....
So if you need any advice or your partner would like to talk to a Non-judgamental outsider...because she's too shy...embarrassed that her query is silly...She might walk away because she's scared & thinks she has no-one but you... What's going to happen when you abandon her?& she's given up her life(safety net).. Just to be yours....
Email me on this site... & we'll go from there....
Good luck...
PS... BABY STEPS....xx

Just letting you know, cause you're new on the board. You may or may not care, and you may or may not change anything as you please. But the above is absolutely unreadable to me.
With text written like that, I don't even try to decipher the message. I've seen others mention elsewhere the same is true for them.

So if you care about everybody reading what you have to say, please don't write like that.

_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

(in reply to TheLostGypsySub)

Post #: 25

RE: Help: GF and D/s - 10/26/2012 12:56:17 PM

TheLostGypsySub

Posts: 4
Joined: 10/14/2012
Status: offline

Sorry Theo...
One other thing....
I had to read & review the series of ""50 shades of grey""... Well.... They're erotic....
"But 1st explain to your lovely future.... Switch.... And give her time your Sub... Don't expect Slave...".
People that choose to live the BDSM life style... ARE NOT ABUSED.... Or have a F#%ked up childhood..
xx

(in reply to TheLostGypsySub)

Post #: 26

RE: Help: GF and D/s - 10/26/2012 1:06:35 PM

chatterbox24

Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline

One period is suffice I think. whats up with the .................................................................'s?

_____________________________

I am like a box of chocolates, you never know what variety you are going to get on any given day.

My crazy smells like jasmine, cloves and cat nip.

(in reply to TheLostGypsySub)

Post #: 27

RE: Help: GF and D/s - 10/26/2012 1:55:12 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

You ambushed her and did it in the worst possible way. You chose those in the deep end of the pool, guys calling themselves masters, women having to refer to themselves in third person.

You could have picked people who aren't into protocols and rituals and objectification. You know, nice and normal people where the guy looks up and says "Hey Honey, could you get me more coffee?" and always gets a response of "sure thing, wait a sec till the cookies come out of the oven". She still might not have been into catering to you, but she probably wouldn't have been freaked out.

I'd wait till her exams are over. But if you are supposed to wait till she contacts you again, then I'm betting you'll be waiting till hell freezes over.

Apologies are definitely in order, not so she can move on, but so you learn a lesson. And next time, instead of demanding someone else change, why don't you change to vanilla or a sub? After all, if she can do it that easily then so can you, right?

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 28

RE: Help: GF and D/s - 10/26/2012 1:56:44 PM

crazyml

Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: chatterbox24

One period is suffice I think. whats up with the .................................................................'s?

I take it as a sign of terminal Kerouac syndrome ;-)

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to chatterbox24)

Post #: 29

RE: Help: GF and D/s - 10/26/2012 3:10:08 PM

TheLostGypsySub

Posts: 4
Joined: 10/14/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TheLostGypsySub

Sorry Theo...
One other thing....
I had to read & review the series of ""50 shades of grey""... Well.... They're erotic....
"But 1st explain to your lovely future.... Switch.... And give her time your Sub... Don't expect Slave...".
People that choose to live the BDSM life style... ARE NOT ABUSED.... Or have a F#%ked up childhood..
xx

[code][/code]

(in reply to TheLostGypsySub)

Post #: 30

RE: Help: GF and D/s - 10/26/2012 3:11:14 PM

Theo79

Posts: 4
Joined: 10/25/2012
Status: offline

thank you very much for your participation and useful perspective, even if a bit of a downer at times...

I fucked up, yes, I didn't want to have 'the talk' with her out of nowhere, for fear of scaring her and I made it even worse.
To clarify, I don't exclusively hang out with people in maledom dynamics out of principle or because I'm into 1950 scenarios, it just happened and I'm not all that acquainted with third person talk myself, but I try to respect other people's protocols.

Rose, I don't think she has Domme like qualities, she's not a dominant person. She's striking in many regards so she asserts her presence, but she never means to. At best, even if not submissive, she's an independent person, so independent that she could never qualify as any of the two. But I do believe I see a potential sub in her, I'll try to explain why. Superficially she may seem to have a masculine personality: very sarcastic and caustic, studies a very male dominated discipline and has a strong no-nonsense attitude. But I do believe these are also defense mechanism of detachment, in her core, she's extremely sweet and nurturing and accepts guidance very gracefully, from her mother and best friend especially, but, in smaller doses, from anyone who has more experience in a certain field. She follows the lead, when she deems the leader worthy.

In a couple of days, I'll try to talk with her much more openly and directly and see how it goes.
I believe a lot of her reluctance has to do with her gender politics, this would be much easier if I were a lesbian Domme :)

(in reply to crazyml)

Post #: 31

RE: Help: GF and D/s - 10/26/2012 3:13:19 PM

TheLostGypsySub

Posts: 4
Joined: 10/14/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TheLostGypsySub

Sorry Theo...
One other thing....
I had to read & review the series of ""50 shades of grey""... Well.... They're erotic....
"But 1st explain to your lovely future.... Switch.... And give her time your Sub... Don't expect Slave...".
People that choose to live the BDSM life style... ARE NOT ABUSED.... Or have a F#%ked up childhood..
xx

(in reply to TheLostGypsySub)

Post #: 32

RE: Help: GF and D/s - 10/26/2012 3:15:41 PM

Theo79

Posts: 4
Joined: 10/25/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TheLostGypsySub

Sorry Theo...
One other thing....
I had to read & review the series of ""50 shades of grey""... Well.... They're erotic....
"But 1st explain to your lovely future.... Switch.... And give her time your Sub... Don't expect Slave...".
People that choose to live the BDSM life style... ARE NOT ABUSED.... Or have a F#%ked up childhood..
xx

quote:

... Don't expect Slave...".
People that choose to live the BDSM life style... ARE NOT ABUSED.... Or have a F#%ked up childhood..
xx

(

Thank you for your reply Gypsy. but I can't seem to get a grip on what you mean to say.

(in reply to TheLostGypsySub)

Post #: 33

RE: Help: GF and D/s - 10/26/2012 3:25:44 PM

DaddySatyr

Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline

How dare you, take your girlfriend out to dinner with your friends!? What's wrong with you?

[/snark]

Unfortunately, the fact that she didn't enjoy herself doesn't bode well for your future. I suggest you be honest with her and just move along.

Peace and comfort,

Michael

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to Theo79)

Post #: 34

RE: Help: GF and D/s - 10/26/2012 3:30:42 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

Agrees with Michael.

_____________________________

Curious about the "Sluts Vote" avatars? See http://www.collarchat.com/m_4133036/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#4133036

(in reply to DaddySatyr)

Post #: 35

RE: Help: GF and D/s - 10/26/2012 3:52:04 PM

catize

Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline

~FAST REPLY~

While I agree with most of the posters here, I would add one bit of warning.
If you do decide to 'go vanilla', please be brutally honest with yourself about what you want. Otherwise, in 10, 20 or 30 years you will be posting here to ask if it is OK to go outside your relationship to get the “kink” that you need because after 10, 20 or 30 years you have decided you cannot live without it.

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 36

RE: Help: GF and D/s - 10/26/2012 4:16:25 PM

UllrsIshtar

Posts: 3693
Joined: 7/28/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Theo79

Superficially she may seem to have a masculine personality: very sarcastic and caustic, studies a very male dominated discipline and has a strong no-nonsense attitude. But I do believe these are also defense mechanism of detachment, in her core, she's extremely sweet and nurturing and accepts guidance very gracefully, from her mother and best friend especially, but, in smaller doses, from anyone who has more experience in a certain field. She follows the lead, when she deems the leader worthy.

Translation, everything that this girl is, or does to express her personality isn't really the "true" self. Instead, her "true" self is completely opposite from both her mannerisms, choices, actions and words. This actual "true" self, she isn't even aware off, just so HAPPENS to coincide with my own personal fantasies of who this girl could be to make me happy.

Thank God she's got me to save her from herself (can anybody say: totally misplaced white-knight syndrome) so that she can finally become happy and fulfilled as and entity that's an extension of my own ego, while I shape her into what I think she should have been in the first place.

Dude... the fact that she follows the lead of a qualified and worthy leader well does NOT mean she's submissive. There are tons of people with dominant personality that will easily follow the lead of somebody worthy, smarter and more qualified than themselves.
It's called being smart. It's called being openminded enough to realize you're not an expert in everything. It's called willingness to learn.
It's got ZERO to do with submissiveness.

Oh, and btw... if she really is smart enough to follow the lead of people she considers worthy leaders well, you may as well give up right now... cause she already told you she does NOT consider you a worthy leader nor that she has a great deal of respect for your opinion and value judgements about things when she told you that you ambushed her, when she staid casual and nonchalant when you tried to introduce her to kink, when she mocked you and laughed in your face after you introduced her to your friends, and when she ordered you to shut up about this subject until after she gives you permission to (maybe) discuss it again.

Dude... even IF this girl could be a submissive with the right leader, what in the world give you the misguided impressing that this girl does or would consider you a "worthy" leader, when all her actions indicated that she has ZERO interest in following your lead, AND that you're currently rapidly loosing her respect precisely through unworthy/bad leadership?

< Message edited by UllrsIshtar -- 10/26/2012 4:25:25 PM >

_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

(in reply to Theo79)

Post #: 37

RE: Help: GF and D/s - 10/26/2012 4:51:43 PM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Theo79

She's striking in many regards so she asserts her presence, but she never means to. At best, even if not submissive, she's an independent person, so independent that she could never qualify as any of the two.
Superficially she may seem to have a masculine personality: very sarcastic and caustic, studies a very male dominated discipline and has a strong no-nonsense attitude. But I do believe these are also defense mechanism of detachment, in her core, she's extremely sweet and nurturing and accepts guidance very gracefully, from her mother and best friend especially, but, in smaller doses, from anyone who has more experience in a certain field. She follows the lead, when she deems the leader worthy.

Ummm you have just described me to almost too intimate detail!! Like seriously remove the college thing & I'd think you were my ex partner! You especially hit on the traits that are most useful with my subs, as working in a male dominated field means working mens minds to your desired outcomes (hard skill to aquire). You are seeing a traditional sub because that's what you want to see!!!
Instead of proving yourself a worthy dominant partner worth following in her strong state, you're bitching because your golden unicorn isn't a plow horse!!!!!!!!!!

Approach I would try: honey I like you a lot & have a confession need you to hear. I have deeply underestimated who you are. As you might have gathered from dinner I'm kinky. I believed that a stepford obedient wife was what I wanted until I saw you & those girls side by side. You're nothing like them, in the best ways.

I deeply apologize for surprising you with a dinner like this. Even though they are my friends never imagined their relationships included ____ that frightened even me. I am so very greatful that you showed the strength and grace under pressure that makes you so wonderful in my eyes. There are no words for how sorry I am, I hope you can forgive me.

[Listen closely because at this point you may get dumped]

I can't deny that I enjoy ___ that qualifies as kinky, I wanted to share with you. Seeing who you are & what thought I wanted side by side has shown me what a wonderful strong woman you are. I love you as you are and it was unfair of me to try to change you to fit desires I was keeping from you. Would you commit to learning more about __ (insert kinky activity) to see how it would work in our relationship? I'm not asking for you to be like the girls at dinner, but I want to see how OUR fantasies can turn into some agreeable reality?
Then if she hasn't tossed you out on your ass vanilla fuck her silly! Maybe even let her be on top?

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to Theo79)

Post #: 38

RE: Help: GF and D/s - 10/26/2012 5:45:21 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Theo79

thank you very much for your participation and useful perspective, even if a bit of a downer at times...

I fucked up, yes, I didn't want to have 'the talk' with her out of nowhere, for fear of scaring her and I made it even worse.
To clarify, I don't exclusively hang out with people in maledom dynamics out of principle or because I'm into 1950 scenarios, it just happened and I'm not all that acquainted with third person talk myself, but I try to respect other people's protocols.

Rose, I don't think she has Domme like qualities, she's not a dominant person. She's striking in many regards so she asserts her presence, but she never means to. At best, even if not submissive, she's an independent person, so independent that she could never qualify as any of the two. But I do believe I see a potential sub in her, I'll try to explain why. Superficially she may seem to have a masculine personality: very sarcastic and caustic, studies a very male dominated discipline and has a strong no-nonsense attitude. But I do believe these are also defense mechanism of detachment, in her core, she's extremely sweet and nurturing and accepts guidance very gracefully, from her mother and best friend especially, but, in smaller doses, from anyone who has more experience in a certain field. She follows the lead, when she deems the leader worthy.

In a couple of days, I'll try to talk with her much more openly and directly and see how it goes.
I believe a lot of her reluctance has to do with her gender politics, this would be much easier if I were a lesbian Domme :)

so she's a completely normal woman.

You're reading too much into things.

You're seeing things you wish to see, not the person she actually is.

ETA: I don't think any of this matters anyway because it's highly, highly unlikely you will ever hear from her again, unless it's just to tell you to go away.

< Message edited by littlewonder -- 10/26/2012 5:51:08 PM >

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to Theo79)

Post #: 39

RE: Help: GF and D/s - 10/26/2012 5:47:24 PM

DaddySatyr

Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline

I'm lost. Why does he have to apologize for taking her to dinner with his friends?

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to theRose4U)

Post #: 40

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