LonDom61
Posts: 196
Joined: 9/12/2007
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OP: I go along with just about all the points that have been made so far. In fact, as I started the thread, I was tempted to quote the second comment and say “This.” And the next. And the next. Glad I held off
But, beyond the general community sense, I have a unique perspective.
Yes, I've been in a situation somewhat similar yours. But I handled it differently. And got a different—and much better—result.
Like you, my relationships have been (mostly at least) D/s.
Like you, I met a vanilla girl and unexpectedly fell for her. And she for me.
Though she was, presumably at least, vanilla, I got a sub vibe from her. Yes, that was part of the attraction.
UNLIKE you, I was then honest with her from day one about my kink. Sure, it could have ended right then and there. But, if so, I wouldn't have started a relationship in which I'd be unfulfilled. One where, if I brought it up later (after we were both more invested), things could turn...pretty much the way they've turned for you now.
On a coffee date with any woman, not just subs, I bring up the things about me that could be deal breakers. In this case that included my kink. She might have been repulsed. But she was intrigued. She asked questions. I answered. She was still intrigued.
We dated. We went through the list. It went...I'll go with “very well”.
She wasn't “submissive from way back” and found, in me, someone on whom she could focus that. She was profoundly devoted to me and found, in submission, a powerful way to express that.
= = =
If you had been honest with her from the start you wouldn't be in the current mess. Either she'd have shut you down & walked away...or you'd have been able to explore the dynamic with her. And that would either have worked or it wouldn't.
= = =
You talked about it with your friends. You and they thought that the dinner would be a good idea. Show her how “not weird” it was. But from her perspective—heck, even from mine; third person?; well, YKINMK—that was a weird dinner. If it was your collective idea you should have toned that down.
There was a suggestion above to have her meet women with external power, to whom she could relate. That`s good, but here`s a bit more on that: Meet just one such...then get to know her better over multiple occasions (relate more with her)...
Then perhaps have them go out for coffee, just the two girls, and the other one reveal she`s sub, what it does for her, how she discovered it--perhaps fought it--and explored it, how she makes it work into her external self...
It would have been better to have a talk with your gf before the dinner. Well, long beforehand, but we'll stick with the dinner. Something along the lines of what has been suggested above.
You're coming up now with all those rationalizations as to why you think she may be “sub inside”, “sub capable” or whatever. (The commenter who said “maybe for a leader she respects, etc” made good points.
I think, to be worthy of a sub's—hell, any mate`s...or any person's—trust and respect you need to exhibit a number of qualities. Honesty is a biggie. You lied to her. By omission, but still. About the dinner, but also about yourself right from the start.
And, with your ambush dinner, you also showed that even with something as pleasant and benign as going out to dinner she can't know there won't be an unpleasant surprise. What basis is that for surrendering control? Or even for playing with you?
I know, from personal experience, there CAN be a sub inside a liberated, apparently vanilla exterior.
But my ex-girl and your girlfriend are two different people. You and I are two different people. And we handled it two different ways.
How to fix it now?
I know you don't want to have to face this. But it probably can't be fixed.
Can you “turn her sub”? At this point, almost certainly not.
Can you “go vanilla” to stay with this woman you love?
Do you love this woman as she is? Or love “what she is”...somehow plus the sub you want? I`m reminded of the joke line where a woman says of her husband `He`s perfect. And once I change him, he`ll be even MORE perfect.
The “write out what D/s means to you, etc.” strategy above is worth a try.
An abject apology is DEFinitely in order.
I don't think I'd do the “I used to think I was kinky until I met you” thing above. Just more dishonesty.
Good luck. And I hope you'll keep us posted. Having asked for and received our input, you've initiated at least our curiosity.` Compassion, even.
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RE: Help: GF and D/s - 
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