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RE: need some help with my man - 11/4/2012 2:23:55 PM   
lovethyself


Posts: 1818
Joined: 11/4/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sinfulneeds

thank you for a great reply!
i totally understand what you are saying.. but at the moment, i am not ready to be only friends with him... maybe in a while i will be . thats why i need to think long and hard before i act on any of this ..
i love him.. i know people here ask me why i love him when he is so different from me .. maybe its cus he is the only one i have, i dont know . all i know is that as of right now .. i love him with every cell of my body . even tho he can make me cry my eyes out or scream in rage .. he is still the one holding my heart... i may hate it .. but that wont change aything .. right now . hopefully i will stop loving him so i can move on .. this is something i have to work on.

i have periods where i can focus on us like a normal couple . where i can put all differences aside and just be him and me like other people are together .. and there are times where the hunger for more is so bad that i just wanna beg for it .. it usually last for a couple of days at the time ... i know it will always come back .. and i know it will probaly be worse and worse.. but hey.. i guess its all a part of the process...
i dont know ,, i feel alittle bit lost right now.



I don't know what to say. I don't know if my friendship with my ex would be as strong as it is now, if I had given up at the beginning because of our different sexual desires. There is nothing that says that you have to end it now or forever give up your kinks. Take the time you need to think about it all. I would suggest figuring it out before you start making wedding plans, though. It might make it harder to keep the friendship if he is left standing at the altar.

Does he feel the same towards you? If he is desperately in love with you, it would follow that he would want you to be satisfied. He may not be interested or comfortable with everything that you like, but there might be some things that he would be willing to do. Having been with a number of vanilla men, spanking can sometimes be a hard line that they won't ever cross. They view it as beating you, and would hate themselves for it, even if you obviously like it. Ropes are easier to convince them of, even if it is only your hands at first. Damsel in distress, and they get to be the hero, after playing with you for a bit of course. I don't have much experience with the sub/dom(domme) dynamic, but having strong sub leanings in a vanilla relationship means that you have to be inventive about getting a similar mental reaction from a slightly different senario. It all comes down to talking about it though. NOT a heart to heart discussion, detailing everything you want him to do to you. Rather, a request while you are making love that he holds your hands down for a bit. You can even phrase it as "I want to hold your hands, please." If you are in missionary position, that will automatically have you restrained, and he won't think of it that way.

I don't know what your particular kinks are, but some kinks are more about how it makes you feel inside rather than physically what is being done. The physical is a trigger for the inner feelings. See if you can find other ways to get the same headspace, things that he might be willing to try. Be inventive.

(in reply to sinfulneeds)
Profile   Post #: 141
RE: need some help with my man - 11/4/2012 3:14:33 PM   
freedomdwarf1


Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sinfulneeds


quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

quote:

not just me running around doing anything he wants when he has no idea im even there..


So basically you want this on your terms. You want attention from him. You don't want to submit unless he sees you doing it and says something to you. Gotchya. So I'm going to assume you just want kinky sex. He's not into kinky sex, most likely because he grew up Muslim and that would be seen as a sin. He may be atheist now but that doesn't mean his upbringing didn't have something to do with his personality now. It definitely does.

You have two choices. Either stay and live with your sex life as is or leave. I won't tell you to talk to him about opening your relationship. That's not ever going to happen with him.


i want him to know his place and mine . i want him to know what he is doing.. and how he is doing it .. i cant really make you understand this in the way i mean it .. but i dont wanna be pushed around like a rug. i want to be in a relationship where we are clear about what we are doing .. do i make any sense at all ?
yes i want the kinky sex too.. but i can deal with vanilla as well.. i just wish he knew what we were on about in this relationship .. instead of just making me feel like crap.


I think LW hit the nail on the head.

If he is atheist now but has muslim parents, unless he was brought up away from his parents the muslim doctrine would have been instilled into his very nature from the time he was born. That is something that will be difficult to shift or even get him to compromise on unless he is extremely strong-willed enough to push that doctrine out of his life and mindset and from what you have said he isn't like that.
It really does sound like he has a deeply entrenched sense of taboo and/or guilt whenever anything vaguely sexual is presented to him and that is probably going to be with him for the rest of his forseeable future.

That does indeed give you a huge dilema to ponder. Given lovethyself's experiences, I think a fair number of us here have told you in a roundabout way that this relationship is heading in that direction.
It's not impossible to turn that around but also considering what you have posted about him and his reactions so far I would estimate your chances of doing so appear to be extremely slim to none. As many would say - you have a choice between Bob Hope and no hope. lol.

Seriously though, I would not even be contemplating marriage with this guy unless you are prepared for a very long uphill struggle to re-train his mind and attitudes - and also be prepared to fail dismally at this.

It seems you have tried the gently-gently approach and that has freaked him out to a degree just mentioning it. That tells me your uphill struggle with him is looking almost vertical.
What you have to consider is that the vast majority of break-ups and divorces are down to sexual incompatibility and lack of communication. You are having major problems on both counts and that really is no basis for a marriage at all - it is doomed from the start.

I really think that leaves you two choices -
1) Put up with it for the sake of your dream for the rest of your life and be forever short-changed and unfulfilled.
2) Cut the ties and look for someone else more compatible to your way of thinking.

You keep saying you don't know how to tell him so it seems to me you just have to open your mouth and blurt it out like you have told us in this thread. That will probably scare the bejeesus out of him and he'll run a mile but that is the chance you'll have to take or you'll forever be stuck with this dilema and probably, because your fantasy seems to be ruling your head rather than any common sense, you'll make the wrong choice and regret it.

(in reply to sinfulneeds)
Profile   Post #: 142
RE: need some help with my man - 11/4/2012 10:56:47 PM   
LonDom61


Posts: 196
Joined: 9/12/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: theRose4U


quote:

ORIGINAL: lovethyself

Hi all. I'm very new to this site (I just registered my account today) so please forgive me if I'm stepping out of bounds.

Sinfulneeds, I was in a position very similar to yours. I was living with and in love with someone for over 5 years. I'm a sub, he is not of our world. ...

What I would suggest to you is to step back and take a good, hard look at your fiancee and your relationship. You had mentioned that you were perfect for eachother in other ways,

I hope this helps. I know this is a little long-winded, but I wanted to share my experience with you, since reading about yours reminded me so much of mine.


Always stay true to yourself, it's the only one you have.

Excellent first post...more like it please!!! Welcome to the boards


lovethyself: I totally agree with Rose. Most of the posters are looking at her situation from the outside. You have had relevant real life experience and shared it with her (and us) from further down the path, of several suggested, that she seems determined to follow.

You just joined. (I had already seen, read & enjoyed your profile on my default search page, btw. No -intent- here; we are too distant.) You are a good contributor to This Side. Keep it up.

= = =

freedomdwarf: Also an excellent, carefully considered advice post. Loved your line

your uphill struggle with him is looking almost vertical.

I think I will be using that.

(in reply to theRose4U)
Profile   Post #: 143
RE: need some help with my man - 11/5/2012 7:04:33 AM   
Dominant4ever


Posts: 5
Joined: 8/24/2008
Status: offline 		HE'S GAY!

(in reply to absolutchocolat)
Profile   Post #: 144
RE: need some help with my man - 11/5/2012 7:08:35 AM   
DaddySatyr


Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Dominant4ever

HE'S GAY!


I don't know how you got there. From the OP, I didn't even get the idea that he was mildly amused.



Peace and comfort,



Michael

_____________________________

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Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to Dominant4ever)
Profile   Post #: 145
RE: need some help with my man - 11/5/2012 7:54:52 AM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Dominant4ever

HE'S GAY!

Closeted Gay & fundimentalist religious foundation often look the same. Its a toss up at this point. I'm still thinking damn near virgin with muslim foundation.
As a recovering southern baptist I know how long it takes to get that kind of foundation out of your head, much like radiation there is always residual contamination no matter how much you claim to be athiest.
He lives near his family, if I remember correctly engaged before he's caving under the pressure to conform holding out a vain hope a foreigner will give his marriage a diFferent outcome than the muslim girl his family keeps parading in front of him. .
You leave & he will be married to a muslim as fast as appearances will allow

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to Dominant4ever)
Profile   Post #: 146
RE: need some help with my man - 11/5/2012 7:57:59 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		This is looking more and more like a wankorama.

Doesn't answer pointed questions, doesn't give feedback. Anything is impossible.  8 pages and list what you know.





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Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to theRose4U)
Profile   Post #: 147
RE: need some help with my man - 11/5/2012 8:06:28 AM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

This is looking more and more like a wankorama.

I have yet to wank in this thread. Perhaps you can help a poor gal?

_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 148
RE: need some help with my man - 11/5/2012 8:56:11 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		well poise, your avi has done wonders for me! *waggles eyebrows*

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polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to poise)
Profile   Post #: 149
RE: need some help with my man - 11/5/2012 2:07:31 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline 		I'm thinking this is just the weekend for face palm posts D'OH!!!

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to GreedyTop)
Profile   Post #: 150
RE: need some help with my man - 11/5/2012 3:03:34 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		The man gets angry when she talks about sex. She can't talk to him about what she wants - and if she were to, it sounds as if he would become angry. She has to decided how sexual she is, and if she can live with sex once or twice a week, vanilla.

Personally, it was easier for me to live celibate than to have the travaisty of sex that i had when i was married. OP, you need to look at this man and decide if you can live with what you have right at this moment. He isn't going to change. If he wanted to change, you would already know that - because the two of you would have talked about it.

No relationship is perfect. There is always something that you would like to change, but a good relationship can take that thing and forget it. If you can't forget it, then its going to fester and bother you, and eventually ruin what you have.

(in reply to theRose4U)
Profile   Post #: 151
RE: need some help with my man - 11/7/2012 2:20:00 AM   
sinfulneeds


Posts: 53
Joined: 4/12/2008
Status: offline 		i told him..and we are both still alive..

_____________________________

https://sinfulneeds.wordpress.com/

----a submissives confessions----

(in reply to kiwisub12)
Profile   Post #: 152
RE: need some help with my man - 11/7/2012 2:46:34 AM   
JanahX


Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline 		FR -

Ok - I have three things here:

1. This thread is awesome.

2. OP - This guy sounds like a real drag - Im wondering if you must be a real drag yourself to actually want to be/engaged to someone like this.

3. Are you sure this is a MAN you are talking about here? From everything youve described, he doesnt sound like any guy Ive ever come across.

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The second rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.


(in reply to GreedyTop)
Profile   Post #: 153
RE: need some help with my man - 11/7/2012 3:30:22 AM   
LonDom61


Posts: 196
Joined: 9/12/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sinfulneeds

i told him..and we are both still alive..



Come on, sinful. From your OP this was The Thing you were asking our advice for.

We are 8 pages in (okay, not all of it strictly relevant, but still)

Now apparently you have done it.

...and we get 9 words?

Did you do a Big Talk (thats my guess) or a sexy little nudge?

What did you say? How did he react? Is he planning to try it? Are you packing your bags?

What?

(in reply to sinfulneeds)
Profile   Post #: 154
RE: need some help with my man - 11/7/2012 4:01:23 AM   
sinfulneeds


Posts: 53
Joined: 4/12/2008
Status: offline 		hehe i wrote it all in my blog. if you want the whole detailed thing .
but no, i dont think he will try. he did however ask if i wanted to watch porn with him yesterday and he DID look for bdsm porn .. but i dont really like much of the bdsm porn on the "standard" porn sites , youporn, redtube bla bla .. so we agreed to skip that last night .. at least he made an effort .

i told him by writing down what i wanted to say and get a turkish speaking person i got to know on this page to translate. just to make sure this was in his own language , so we didnt have the issue with someting coming out wrong..
he read and said ok . no anger or running for the hills .. as for me packing my bags.. my bag is alreay packed from a couple of days ago, and will not be unpacked before i know what i want. i also told him this and he said he understand ..
i dont think i know any more then you do what i want from this relationship right now. i am very confused and need to take some time to think about it .

_____________________________

https://sinfulneeds.wordpress.com/

----a submissives confessions----

(in reply to LonDom61)
Profile   Post #: 155
RE: need some help with my man - 11/7/2012 4:02:27 AM   
sinfulneeds


Posts: 53
Joined: 4/12/2008
Status: offline 		and for sexy little nudges .. this guy dont understand those :P he need clear words .

_____________________________

https://sinfulneeds.wordpress.com/

----a submissives confessions----

(in reply to sinfulneeds)
Profile   Post #: 156
RE: need some help with my man - 11/7/2012 6:57:02 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		remember, you ask the questions here, not on your blog.  the stuff can be copied and pasted here, it is not for getting hits on your blog.

Manners.

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to sinfulneeds)
Profile   Post #: 157
RE: need some help with my man - 11/7/2012 7:18:56 AM   
chatterbox24


Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline 		I am so confused.

The guy needs clear words, but if you speak the words, he gets angry?
He is totally against everything but turns porn on now?

Nothing like running in a circle with no exit.

Gess, I have a terribly bad attitude today, but Im thinking your holding on to something that needs released...........hands you a pencil so you can draw you a door.



_____________________________

I am like a box of chocolates, you never know what variety you are going to get on any given day.

My crazy smells like jasmine, cloves and cat nip.

(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 158
RE: need some help with my man - 11/7/2012 11:29:04 AM   
absolutchocolat


Posts: 1392
Status: offline 		basically, they watched a little porn and fooled around some. no bsdm in bed, and she's still sexually unfulfilled because she had to masturbate after he passed out from the blowjob. for anyone who still cares...

(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 159
RE: need some help with my man - 11/7/2012 11:30:15 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		So, a great night for everyone.   Vodka might have made it a little more fun. 

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to absolutchocolat)
Profile   Post #: 160
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