quote:

ORIGINAL: Aswad

The OP is married. To a non-muslim, probably an atheist. In a country that doesn't seem more repressed than the USA. None of the risk factors you mention are present. I would be far more worried about mentioning such a thing in West Virginia than Istanbul. What's so hard to get here?

IWYW,
— Aswad.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Muchtado

sinfulneeds I actually have a question for you. What was his upbringing? Many people are taught from a young age that the subject of sex is taboo. This is especially true in certain cultures. You could not only be dealing with whatever hang-ups he may have but also may be dealing with a societal, religious or cultural barrier to this subject.

i have no idea how his parents spoke or was about sex. his parents are muslim , but not in any extreme way.

There are things that you can do though. If you do not want to, or he will not allow, a discussion on sex and the D/s relationship then you can introduce him to it slowly. During sex tell him that you want him to pull your hair, hold your hands down, give you a slap on the ass or any number of other things that could be considered as part of the D/s relationship.
i have tried , but he "forgets" after one time :P

However do not present it as part of the BDSM lifestyle. When he does it, make sure afterwards that you tell him how much you enjoyed it. This will reinforce to him that doing this is acceptable with you. This type of encouragement will take a long time to get him to a more dominant roll. Or you will find out that he has no interest in this and then you have another decision to make.
i have told him he can be the dominate part .. as in a normal household .. but it has to be more communication , not just me running around doing anything he wants when he has no idea im even there..

quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

Hun er Norsk? Kan du tro det?

Uff Da.

quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

NO, you shame NO people in my mind. Here (US) Uffda is more of a general purpose word.   It can be used among other things  (and was used in this case) as a matter of surprise.  I am american 2nd generation.   As al-Aswad will relate, your english is far better than my norsk.     

So, he will do something in the moment if you sort of make him, but only that time, doesn't expand upon the theme ever.  Ma jeg som hoeyre?  (I do not have the letters to make that keyboard)  not that I speak or spell it much.  

quote:

not just me running around doing anything he wants when he has no idea im even there..

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovethyself

Hi all. I'm very new to this site (I just registered my account today) so please forgive me if I'm stepping out of bounds.

Sinfulneeds, I was in a position very similar to yours. I was living with and in love with someone for over 5 years. I'm a sub, he is not of our world. The big difference was that he knew people in the scene, and as such was not ignorant of what my kinks were. He was even willing to do some very small things for me. Nowhere near what a real session would give me mentally, but something. And I in turn tried to swallow my needs to keep the relationship going. Those needs don't go away though, and over time it became increasingly hard for me to even get excited about the more vanilla stuff we did together. When you have an itch, and your partner is scratching you everywhere but that itch, it grows to become the only thing that you can focus on.

By the end of the relationship, we were having sex about once a month, and even then only because I realised that it had been that long, and thought I should pretend interest. When it finally ended, it was tearfull because we still loved eachother, but we weren't in love with eachother. We were great together in everything else, and I still love him. In fact, 6 years after we ended, he is still my best friend.

What I would suggest to you is to step back and take a good, hard look at your fiancee and your relationship. You had mentioned that you were perfect for eachother in other ways, just not in the bedroom. What would change if you were close friends instead of engaged? Would you still be able to do the things that make you perfect together (travel, talking, fine dining, rock climbing, whatever it is...)? I have a number of ex's that I am still friends with, and even still work together with. It takes a lot of work, and a careful balance of what personal boundaries now exsist, and what personal details not to share (if he can't talk to you about sex now while you are having it, he really won't want to hear about the great session you had the night before). However, if you can both get over the initial awkwardness, and act like mature adults and not petty teenagers, it is possible to hold onto the friendship within the relationship without keeping the relationship that is not giving you what you need.

I hope this helps. I know this is a little long-winded, but I wanted to share my experience with you, since reading about yours reminded me so much of mine.


Always stay true to yourself, it's the only one you have.

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovethyself

Hi all. I'm very new to this site (I just registered my account today) so please forgive me if I'm stepping out of bounds.

Sinfulneeds, I was in a position very similar to yours. I was living with and in love with someone for over 5 years. I'm a sub, he is not of our world. The big difference was that he knew people in the scene, and as such was not ignorant of what my kinks were. He was even willing to do some very small things for me. Nowhere near what a real session would give me mentally, but something. And I in turn tried to swallow my needs to keep the relationship going. Those needs don't go away though, and over time it became increasingly hard for me to even get excited about the more vanilla stuff we did together. When you have an itch, and your partner is scratching you everywhere but that itch, it grows to become the only thing that you can focus on.

By the end of the relationship, we were having sex about once a month, and even then only because I realised that it had been that long, and thought I should pretend interest. When it finally ended, it was tearfull because we still loved eachother, but we weren't in love with eachother. We were great together in everything else, and I still love him. In fact, 6 years after we ended, he is still my best friend.

What I would suggest to you is to step back and take a good, hard look at your fiancee and your relationship. You had mentioned that you were perfect for eachother in other ways, just not in the bedroom. What would change if you were close friends instead of engaged? Would you still be able to do the things that make you perfect together (travel, talking, fine dining, rock climbing, whatever it is...)? I have a number of ex's that I am still friends with, and even still work together with. It takes a lot of work, and a careful balance of what personal boundaries now exsist, and what personal details not to share (if he can't talk to you about sex now while you are having it, he really won't want to hear about the great session you had the night before). However, if you can both get over the initial awkwardness, and act like mature adults and not petty teenagers, it is possible to hold onto the friendship within the relationship without keeping the relationship that is not giving you what you need.

I hope this helps. I know this is a little long-winded, but I wanted to share my experience with you, since reading about yours reminded me so much of mine.


Always stay true to yourself, it's the only one you have.

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

quote:

not just me running around doing anything he wants when he has no idea im even there..

So basically you want this on your terms. You want attention from him. You don't want to submit unless he sees you doing it and says something to you. Gotchya. So I'm going to assume you just want kinky sex. He's not into kinky sex, most likely because he grew up Muslim and that would be seen as a sin. He may be atheist now but that doesn't mean his upbringing didn't have something to do with his personality now. It definitely does.

You have two choices. Either stay and live with your sex life as is or leave. I won't tell you to talk to him about opening your relationship. That's not ever going to happen with him.