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DarkSteven -> RE: -=Hiding your BDSM lifestyle=- (11/10/2012 12:58:40 PM)
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Do you hide your lifestyle?
Yes. I have a vanilla life and a kinky life.
Do you show your picture in your profile?
Yep.
Slaves, do you hide your collar, wear a disguised collar or only wear it part time? (some people have more than one collar public/private)
My sub Tasha has a leather collar that she wears only at night and at parties. The rest of the time she wears a vanilla necklace that has significance.
Can you attend local BDSM events or are you afraid someone will see you there?
I have never had someone see me there, who I did not also see there.
DO you have public and private protocols? (I have high and low protocol)
Informally, yes. We're very low protocol.
What interesting situations has this caused for you?
The funniest is when Tasha's son came by unexpectedly. Before he rang the bell, my Tasha and I both saw him. She smiled and slowly walked to the door, while I damn near bowled her over to get to the table and stuff all the toys back in the bag and stash it in a closet. Unfortunately, in my haste I overlooked two Lexan paddles. Damn transparency! If he noticed, he didn't mention anything...
Here's an excerpt from a friend's writings that are very much relevant:
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If you'd asked me a year ago what consequences I would expect if I were to be outed, I would have said social stigma. I would have said I'd be concerned that people wouldn't want me around their young children and their families, that they would keep me at arm's length socially, and that they would treat me differently or think I was weak because I'm submissive. I would have been wrong on all counts.
At the end of last year I was at a very low point in my both my personal and my professional life. A married, vanilla "friend," who knew just enough about BDSM to be dangerous, recognised my collar (a necklace with a padlock) for what it was and demanded that I become his sex slave. I refused and carefully explained in some detail the difference between a sub and a slave, and that I wasn't a slave; I explained that sex is a hard limit for me, that I was friends with his wife, and that I didn't want any relationship with him other than friendship; I explained that the fact that I was wearing a collar meant that I wasn't available.
He pushed. I refused. He pushed harder. I refused. He pushed harder. I refused and threatened to tell his wife if he didn't stop harassing me. He then outed me to the rest of my very conservative vanilla social group.
To make a bad situation worse, he didn't out me with accurate facts: he spread a rumour around the group, who are mostly older and very protective of me, that I'd been brainwashed into accepting an abusive and non-consensual relationship with my "Slave Master" (his term).
I live in quite a small community and am still fairly new to the area. The reactions of the different people in my social circle as I sat down with them individually and explained what was actually going on were fascinating. Some - the ultra-conservative and religious ones whom I would have expected to want nothing to do with me - were outraged. To my surprise, they weren't outraged about my "kinks and perversions": they were outraged that someone would stoop so low as to make my private life public. Several of my closest friends were fascinated and we've since had some wonderful in-depth discussions. The ones that I was most concerned about (because I have close contact with their young children) discussed it with me, established that it would not affect their kids in any way, shape or form, and carried on as normal.
The whole episode, as unpleasant as it was at the time, did not result in any stigma - except for the person who outed me, as he is now ashamed to show his face. I have no idea what he's told his wife, but I understand they're now in the middle of a divorce. It's actually been a very positive thing for me, as I no longer feel like I have anything to hide. Not all of my vanilla friends are comfortable with it, but they do accept it and it doesn't impact negatively on any of my relationships. When my friends ask me what I did on the weekend, I can just ask whether they really want to know. Some of them do, some of them don't, but at least I can be honest with them. I occasionally see an amused grin when they see me sit down gently, and there's an occasional discreet reference to it from some when they're teasing me.
Do I think that everyone who is outed will be as lucky as I was? Well, no, probably not. But I do think that for some people the expectation or anticipation of prejudice, disgrace, disapproval and stigma that they have in their minds, the fear of it, is probably more extreme than the reality would be. I'm lucky in that I have a job that is totally unaffected by anything I might get up to in my free time, and I'm extremely grateful it's brought me much closer to my vanilla friends.
So to the asshole who outed me, I would like to say a sincere thank you for doing me a favour. I would say it in person, but since you still haven't grasped the importance of consent, I have no intention of getting close enough to talk to you any time soon. Not without a witness, at any rate.
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