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RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 11/12/2012 11:33:27 PM   
sddaddysgirl


Posts: 5
Joined: 3/6/2011
Status: offline 		I've had a profile here for a number of years... And turned it off a long time ago when I found the man I'm with now.

He's never gone so far as to give me a black eye. I guess what I'm looking for is maybe advice on how to change things before they get to that point. Even just advice on how to talk to him about it. Some way to make him hear me instead of dismissing me as being overly sensitive because of a past abusive relationship I was in. And I don't really know, he might be right about my over sensitivity. Thats why I'm looking for perspective....

< Message edited by sddaddysgirl -- 11/12/2012 11:34:25 PM >

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 11/12/2012 11:54:18 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		You want advice on how to change things before they get to 'that' point?

LEAVE

You made a bad choice, no doubt b/c you have not resolved past issues. If you've picked an abuser once, it's very easy to pick one again, AND not know it.

How can I sound so all knowing? Because I've been there and done that, more than one.

Leave, then get therapy to help resolve why you keep doing this to yourself. Please.

_____________________________



(in reply to sddaddysgirl)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 11/13/2012 12:09:48 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		OP, do you have someone (family? friend) you could go stay with for a few days?

I would do that, if I were you. Then tell your guy (via phone) that you need to have a serious, sitdown, adult (non-d/s ) type converstaion with him (meaning, as one adult to another, no d/s roles involved), and do it in a public setting (mall, restaurant. etc).


SOmeone who is better at communication than I am may be able to give examples of the "I feel..." statements vs. teh "You are/did..." statements? Someone?  Oside?

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 11/13/2012 1:25:53 AM   
absolutchocolat


Posts: 1392
Status: offline 		if you believe communication is the problem, here are some suggestions for starting conversations with him:

"remember when we played and you (insert action)? i don't like it. can you do it without hurting me?"
"can we discuss my hard limits?"
"i will say (any safe word) when it's too much for me to handle."

just remember, you're not being overly sensitive about your personal pain limits. if you approach the conversation in a calm manner and he still responds negatively, then you should evaluate your relationship. you can take the advice or leave it. in any case, good luck and be safe.

(in reply to sddaddysgirl)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 11/13/2012 2:40:30 AM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline 		Who wants to bet me this is a sock for babyslave90 that came on here last week claiming 2 black eyes boo hoo, I dumped him...now back on main forum asking how to improve her skills & talking about how he forces her to vomit.

Istarting to vomit at these repeated threads about abusive bastards claiming to wear a kink suit

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to absolutchocolat)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 11/13/2012 3:06:24 AM   
freedomdwarf1


Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline 		I think most have said it.
Whether you take that advice or not is your call.

You asked for some perspective?
He isn't a Master - he is a jerk and a danger in a kink suit.

A 'Master' is always in control.
To abuse or hurt someone in anger is just not cricket.

CP gave the best advice - LEAVE - he has severely overstepped the line.

This is the one and only line/rule that is not negotiable in any dynamic, no matter what the kink.
Once any 'master' steps over that line and goes from being 'in control' to being an abusive cruel bastard (and that's what they are), it's time to exit stage left, PDQ, before you are seriously hurt, hospitalised, or even dead!

There's no point in trying to justify it or find reason for it or even trying to discuss your way around it.
To my mind, this is something that cannot tolerated under any circumstances whatsoever. There is no excuse for it.
I'm afraid that if it happens once, the chances are it'll happen again because it's done in anger and not in control.

Just my 2 cents.

(in reply to theRose4U)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 11/13/2012 3:53:14 AM   
sddaddysgirl


Posts: 5
Joined: 3/6/2011
Status: offline 		Does it matter at all its only been the past year he's been this way? We've been together for seven years and for a long time had a very satisfying, comfortable M/s relationship. This year has been difficult, though. There have been a lot of outside stresses for both of us and its impacted our relationship hard. Its that it is a new thing that makes me feel like it can be fixed somehow...

And really, if he were outright abusing me I wouldn't be here asking what I should do. The smacks and pinches and all are minor, the worst they leave is a red mark for a few hours. Its the sentiment behind them and the loss of control everyone has mentioned that really upsets and bothers me. Him doing something like giving me a black eye would be easier in a way. Its a pretty black and white situation I know to get out of.

(in reply to freedomdwarf1)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 11/13/2012 4:04:53 AM   
MAINEiacMISTRESS


Posts: 1180
Joined: 9/12/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sddaddysgirl

Or at least his version of punishment. Which has come down from a sort of formal spanking/beating that we both enjoy, to him just smacking, pinching, jacking my arms and hands into painful positions whenever I do something annoying.

I feel like he's crossing the line from Master to abusive prick. When I tried to talk to him about it today he threw my purse at me, causing my cigarette to severely burn my hand, and stormed out.

Am I wrong to question what the hell is going on with us now?

He has MORE than crossed the line to abusive prick, he's already there. No, you are not wrong to question his behavior, or where your relationship stands. Obviously the relationship has changed, in his mind as well if he thinks he can now treat you this way. At this point your are on the receiving end of ABUSE. If he is having temper tantrums, then he's not a Dominant. Being a Dominant isn't about having someone at your disposal to unleash your anger upon, it's about BEING RESPONSIBLE, not taking things too far, and above all being the one your submissive can TRUST. (If it is this bad now, what will it be like in a few months' time?)

WOMAN, YOU ARE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. LEAVE HIM.

(in reply to sddaddysgirl)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 11/13/2012 4:09:51 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sddaddysgirl

Does it matter at all its only been the past year he's been this way? We've been together for seven years and for a long time had a very satisfying, comfortable M/s relationship. This year has been difficult, though. There have been a lot of outside stresses for both of us and its impacted our relationship hard. Its that it is a new thing that makes me feel like it can be fixed somehow...

And really, if he were outright abusing me I wouldn't be here asking what I should do. The smacks and pinches and all are minor, the worst they leave is a red mark for a few hours. Its the sentiment behind them and the loss of control everyone has mentioned that really upsets and bothers me. Him doing something like giving me a black eye would be easier in a way. Its a pretty black and white situation I know to get out of.


It's the sentiment behind his actions and the loss of control that is bothering us as well.

It's easy being a great 'master' when things are going well, it's much harder when they are not. That's when you see a person's TRUE colors.

Wake up and smell the coffee while you still can. To help you, start reading up on spousal abuse. You WILL see yourself there, I promise.

I have to add this: One of the reasons I am sure he is abusing you is that you are convinced YOU are the problem. Abusers are good at that. His loss of control is the problem, but he's made it YOUR problem as well, b/c he's made you a victim, and you've put up with it for a YEAR.

Breaking up a long term relationship is never easy, I know. But seriously what are you waiting for? Hospitalization? Stop lying to yourself. Stop making excuses for him. Start thinking about where you are going to be in another year. Even more abused, and even less able to leave.

How about five years? Do you think you will be able to rise up out of your hospital bed to leave then?



< Message edited by ChatteParfaitt -- 11/13/2012 4:21:14 AM >

_____________________________



(in reply to sddaddysgirl)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 11/13/2012 4:17:53 AM   
freedomdwarf1


Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline 		A whole YEAR of it being like this?? Shheeesh!

Seriously though, the minute a master steps over the line it's time to pack bags and leave.
What makes it worse is the fact that he threw a hissy fit and wouldn't talk about it.
There is no excuse on this earth for losing control, no matter what the circumstances - not in my book.

It wouldn't matter to me whether the relationship was 7 months, 7 years, or 7 decades; there is no justification for losing control and hurting someone in anger. That would be the final straw.

So hurting you in anger, no matter how small, IS outright abusing you.
By trying to find excuses or reasons for it means you are condoning his sorry-ass actions.

The sheer fact that the sentiments (or lack of) behind his actions bother you should have big red flags waving at you and bright neon lights telling you it's time to move on.

(in reply to sddaddysgirl)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 11/13/2012 4:30:17 AM   
MAINEiacMISTRESS


Posts: 1180
Joined: 9/12/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

quote:

ORIGINAL: sddaddysgirl

Does it matter at all its only been the past year he's been this way? We've been together for seven years and for a long time had a very satisfying, comfortable M/s relationship. This year has been difficult, though. There have been a lot of outside stresses for both of us and its impacted our relationship hard. Its that it is a new thing that makes me feel like it can be fixed somehow...

And really, if he were outright abusing me I wouldn't be here asking what I should do. The smacks and pinches and all are minor, the worst they leave is a red mark for a few hours. Its the sentiment behind them and the loss of control everyone has mentioned that really upsets and bothers me. Him doing something like giving me a black eye would be easier in a way. Its a pretty black and white situation I know to get out of.


It's the sentiment behind his actions and the loss of control that is bothering us as well.

It's easy being a great 'master' when things are going well, it's much harder when they are not. That's when you see a person's TRUE colors.

Wake up and smell the coffee while you still can. To help you, start reading up on spousal abuse. You WILL see yourself there, I promise.


Yes, and the fact that this has been going on for a YEAR indicates that his abusive behavior and loss of self control can no longer be attributed to "situation stress" but have now become ESTABLISHED HABIT. Even a week of it would have been too long and when it first occured THAT is when you should have discussed it.

Just to clue you in on what a FUNCTIONAL relationship under stress is like: you both should be able to turn to each other for SANCTUARY from the outside world. Obviously this part of your relationship is broken, or never existed in the first place.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 11/13/2012 5:08:08 AM   
chatterbox24


Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline 		YOu could always bust him straight in his mouth and give him a little of his own.

WHoops, sorry, dont really do that. It worked for me once, but it truly is not good advice. Violence vs violence solves nothing.

I hope it gets better, I truly do, whether he will listen to you or you decide to leave.

_____________________________

I am like a box of chocolates, you never know what variety you are going to get on any given day.

My crazy smells like jasmine, cloves and cat nip.

(in reply to MAINEiacMISTRESS)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 11/13/2012 6:13:34 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		~FR~

I retract my previous post.


GTFO, chick.  a YEAR?? really?

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to chatterbox24)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 11/13/2012 6:19:20 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		OP - in my experience by the time a relationship gets to the point of lashing out in anger like you describe there are usually other non-physical forms of abuse which are pretty frequent. Over time people make excuses for behaviour and even try to pass it off as flattering (as in 'I only get mad when you look at other guys because I love you so much' or 'I didn't mean to call you a fat cow, I was drinking').

Someone who can't control their anger is not a good partner in any way. Forget about D/s. If he's not a good boyfriend, he's not a good dominant either. Imagine if you had a baby together - what happens when you have a bad night and he can't control his anger? Also in my experience abusive men CAN control their anger but chose not to do so. I'll bet he's never grabbed his boss's arm and yanked it back in anger. So why do it to you?

You don't have to tell us, but take a look at this - it's a sheet which outlines common non-physical types of abuse. Based soley on this thread, I bet if you took a highlighter pen there would be a lot of orange on this sheet.

http://www.ncdsv.org/images/powercontrolwheelnoshading.pdf

If you can't see the sheet, this is the gist of it:

-Does he blame you for his actions (if you didn't provoke me...)?
-Does he lash out?
-Does he break your stuff, has he ever hurt a pet, made threats or generally made you feel physically intimidated (beyond the fun-in-the-bedroom or pre-negotiated stuff you consented to)
-Does he stop you seeing family or friends? Does he control where you go, who you speak to?
-Is he suspicious and checks your phone, emails etc. Is he unreasonably jealous?
-Is there a cycle of 'incidents' followed by an apology and a honeymoon period?
-Does he tell you no one else would have you, no one loves you, or that you are a bad person?
-Are you walking on eggshells around him?

If any of that is true, then leave. If you're frightened he will come after you, get help. I promise no professional worth their name will bat an eyelid about you being kinky.

If you want to talk I know something about this.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to chatterbox24)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 11/13/2012 6:44:55 AM   
BlackBikeDom


Posts: 21
Joined: 11/4/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sddaddysgirl

Thats why I'm looking for perspective....


You are reaching out because you found no solution within the relationship ....

which leads to the best advice on this thread


quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

You want advice on how to change things before they get to 'that' point?

LEAVE

You made a bad choice, no doubt b/c you have not resolved past issues. If you've picked an abuser once, it's very easy to pick one again, AND not know it.

How can I sound so all knowing? Because I've been there and done that, more than one.

Leave, then get therapy to help resolve why you keep doing this to yourself. Please.


I Second this +20

Especially the

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt
Leave, then get therapy to help resolve why you keep doing this to yourself.



_____________________________

The only way to a woman's heart is torment. MdS
Don't dig my style?...Leave it alone. TW

(in reply to sddaddysgirl)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 11/13/2012 6:46:37 AM   
sddaddysgirl


Posts: 5
Joined: 3/6/2011
Status: offline 		There is a whole lot from this thread for me to think about. I'm more familiar with the things on the abuse warning lists than I want to be and while trying to respond to some of you everything I could think of to say were excuses for his behavior. Most of them started with He wouldn't do that if I didn't [fill in the blank]. So...yeah.

Thanks for the responses. They're helpful, though not exactly what I was hoping for.

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 11/13/2012 7:06:28 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		I know, it's not nice to hear. I think you already knew it was wrong though, or you wouldn't have come to ask about it.

Start telling yourself over and over again - I am only responsible for my own actions, he is responsible for his. I am a good person, I deserve to be treated that way.

There is never an excuse for domestic abuse. Never. Believe me, I've heard them all. Because ultimately we're all adults and we all decide how to behave.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to sddaddysgirl)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 11/13/2012 7:13:49 AM   
chatterbox24


Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline 		THose warning signs Athena put up are dead on.

I have been through all those things hun, I think alot of women have at least once, who have been on the planet for awhile. It is very hard when you love someone not to make excuses for them, and to think it might change. WHos to say it wont change cause it could. But if you talk to him, and he wont listen, and still uses you as his excuse. IF YOU WOULDNT HAVE DID THIS....ETC well until he accepts responsiblity, IT WONT CHANGE. IF you stay after that cause you cant find the strength or cant bare to leave, the things he does or the things he says, no matter if you know its not true or think its not true, over time you will internalize it and you subconsciously will start believing and become more fragile and weaker. IT will become even harder to leave and your mental health will suffer.

I dont believe you are a sock or a troll, I believe you are genuinely distraught and I hope the solutions you need knock on your door soon.

HUGS TO YOU!!!!!

_____________________________

I am like a box of chocolates, you never know what variety you are going to get on any given day.

My crazy smells like jasmine, cloves and cat nip.

(in reply to sddaddysgirl)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 11/13/2012 8:15:39 AM   
freedomdwarf1


Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline 		Sorry it's not what you wanted to hear.

I think you must know the answer as you said so in your post, sad as it must seem to you.

quote:

ORIGINAL: sddaddysgirl
...everything I could think of to say were excuses for his behavior.


That just about sums it up and the very essence of it means you are being abused.

You might like to look at it this way -
Better 7 years thrown away than a lifetime lost.

My current wife was married to an abusive misogynyst for 15 years. And just like you, she had been moulded into thinking that it was her fault for what was happening with/to her. Every time she told me what had happened she was making excuses for what he did.
One morning, almost 5 years ago, at 7:30 while we were chatting online, he came home from night shift in his usual bad mood and started some verbal with her before he even got his coat off. The last thing I saw on the screen was "meet me at ... station at 2 o'clock - I'm coming down" and pooof, she was offline and gone before I could say anything at all.
Considering we hadn't even spoken on the phone or even met in person, that was a huge leap of faith to make. The rest is history and we've been joined at the hip ever since.

So.... 7 years in your case.... ditch his sorry ass, leave, then find someone that can make you happy for the rest of your life (with a bit of luck and perseverence).
You are worth more than the shit stuck on the soles of his boots to use and abuse.
You are a human being and from what we've seen, a loyal one at that.

Good luck!


(in reply to sddaddysgirl)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 11/13/2012 8:23:15 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sddaddysgirl
And I don't really know, he might be right about my over sensitivity.
He threw a purse at you for wanting to discuss a situation...and you think you might be the over sensitive one....


quote:

ORIGINAL: sddaddysgirl

There have been a lot of outside stresses for both of us and its impacted our relationship hard.


That's just an excuse for his bad behavior...and I think you know it.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to sddaddysgirl)
Profile   Post #: 40
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