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RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 1/6/2013 7:23:43 PM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
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quote:

 This year has been difficult, though. There have been a lot of outside stresses for both of us and its impacted our relationship hard. 


Adversity doesn't build character, it reveals it.

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to sddaddysgirl)
Profile   Post #: 61
RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 1/7/2013 8:33:42 AM   
Lynnxz


Posts: 4813
Joined: 10/3/2006
From: Atlanta
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

OK, I've been a smoker for most of my adult life. I can't quite imagine getting a "severe burn" from a cigarette. Sure sure, I've fumbled them from time to time and burnt my fingers and whatnot. But a "severe burn"? I assume you went to a doctor and it was a least 2nd degree and required medical attention, right?



I've seen 3rd degree from cigarettes before, but they were usually ground in. I've seen messy little second degrees on people with fragile skin.

_____________________________

HBIC



(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 62
RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 1/7/2013 8:38:33 AM   
EsotericLady


Posts: 713
Joined: 1/2/2013
Status: offline 		A very intelligent post, and one I am in full agreement with as a Dominant.

quote:

ORIGINAL: whantsonlyu

Not an expert on M/s, but I know abuse when I see it. From what little info you've given sounds like he's crossed the line. I mean there are different degrees and forms of punishments. But throwing a fit like a 2year old and hurting someone just seems wrong. If he can't act like an adult then he doesn't deserve to be called a master.



(in reply to whantsonlyu)
Profile   Post #: 63
RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 1/7/2013 3:33:15 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		eehh...I've had burns on my skin from cigs. I still have a scar on my leg from about a year ago where Master just barely even touched with his cigarette. It wasn't even a second degree burn. I just have extremely thin skin. But I've had third degree burns also from cigarettes that were ground in. Yeah, they hurt like hell but it healed just fine with no scar and no hospital. For me, it just depends on how my skin is going at that time. Then my skin was a little thicker and I was younger and healed much more quickly.

And yeah, it happened with the ex-dom. It wasn't abuse. It was me submitting to his sadism. Not a big deal for me. I just see it as skin and I'm healthy so nothing for me to be concerned about. I won't die and the pain is only temporary.


_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

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Profile   Post #: 64
RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 1/7/2013 3:42:05 PM   
Phoenixpower


Posts: 8098
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

If you can't talk to him, it's over and has been for a long time.

If you can talk to him, then do so and tell him exactly what you said to us.

If he storms out or becomes angry again, consider it over.



QFT

_____________________________

RIP 08-09-07

The PAST is history, the FUTURE a mystery, NOW is a gift - that's why it's called the PRESENT

www.butyoudontlooksick.com/navigation/BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory.pdf

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 65
RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 1/7/2013 3:49:17 PM   
Phoenixpower


Posts: 8098
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sddaddysgirl

We've been together for seven years and for a long time had a very satisfying, comfortable M/s relationship. This year has been difficult, though. There have been a lot of outside stresses for both of us and its impacted our relationship hard. Its that it is a new thing that makes me feel like it can be fixed somehow...


Well, if 6 years of it have been a satisfying time for you then I would suggest to visit a counsellor together with him....of course depends if someone can afford it or not....but if it would be possible for me financially...then I would do that in such a situation...if he refuses...well...then it's time to go cause then there is no way that I would become happy and especially feel safe with him again....after all...there can always be underlying factors which can change behaviour and the solution is NOT to just look away...but actually look into it...but thats just me...

_____________________________

RIP 08-09-07

The PAST is history, the FUTURE a mystery, NOW is a gift - that's why it's called the PRESENT

www.butyoudontlooksick.com/navigation/BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory.pdf

(in reply to sddaddysgirl)
Profile   Post #: 66
RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 3/6/2013 7:53:09 PM   
Bondalee


Posts: 10
Joined: 10/19/2012
Status: offline 		Threw your purse at you? That's not Dominant. That's a bully. get out now!

(in reply to sddaddysgirl)
Profile   Post #: 67
RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 3/7/2013 10:31:17 PM   
xssve


Posts: 3589
Joined: 10/10/2009
Status: offline 		I think I look for an element of ritual when this done properly, it's civilized debauchery - showing your ass is just showing your ass.

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Walking nightmare...

(in reply to Bondalee)
Profile   Post #: 68
RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 3/8/2013 11:12:57 AM   
Dyfrynt


Posts: 202
Joined: 4/19/2011
Status: offline 		Afraid I am going to have to agree with the majority opinions here. Fact is that, in my opinion, control is the most important trait of a Master. Throwing things and hurting you beyond reason are not the traits of someone who is in control of himself. Stress is no excuse. A Master must always be in control. Consider it a mantra!

None of us can say whether your relationship can be saved or not. But if you were to consider what is best for you, there has to be behavior change on his part. And perhaps on yours as well (as you haven't said anything about your behavior possibly triggering his). Not that anything you might do excuses his excessive anger, cause it does not. You do need to be honest with yourself though on how much you are contributing to the bad situation.

(in reply to xssve)
Profile   Post #: 69
RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 3/8/2013 12:41:10 PM   
subsfaith


Posts: 297
Joined: 11/21/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sddaddysgirl
Or at least his version of punishment.

His version? This implies that you have your own, and that his is somehow lessser?

quote:

ORIGINAL: sddaddysgirl
Which has come down from a sort of formal spanking/beating that we both enjoy, to him just smacking, pinching, jacking my arms and hands into painful positions whenever I do something annoying.

Well, as others have said, if you both enjoy it, it isn't really a punishment, but a play thing. However, to move on, "to him just..." that's a very dismissive statement. If you dismissed me so, I'd probably throw something at you.

quote:

ORIGINAL: sddaddysgirl
I feel like he's crossing the line from Master to abusive prick. When I tried to talk to him about it today he threw my purse at me, causing my cigarette to severely burn my hand, and stormed out.

You think he is becoming an abusive prick and he just has to take it? How does that work? How do you think it makes him feel that you think he is an abusive prick?
And I'm sure he didn't mean to burn you but it does prove smoking is bad for your health. But, if you spoke to him in the same dismissive manner and you did above, "to him just...", well there is going to be a reaction. Sounds to me like you are pushing his buttons as much as he is pushing yours.

So he is punishing you in a way you don't like and you think it is OK to tell him off for it... this is Ms right? Punishment is supposed to be something you don't like, such as pinching and jacking your arms into painful positions.

quote:

ORIGINAL: sddaddysgirl
Am I wrong to question what the hell is going on with us now?

Absolutely not... but if you don't understand something, being dismissive, being superior is going to inflame the situation. How you do it is important.

quote:

ORIGINAL: sddaddysgirl
To some degree I'm not okay with the severity.

Hang on, one minute you are being dismissive of his actions, now you think it is too much? Hey Princess, this isn't all about you.

quote:

ORIGINAL: sddaddysgirl
Throwing things at me is never cool.

No, it isn't cool... but you push those buttons, you are gonna get a reaction you might not like.

quote:

ORIGINAL: sddaddysgirl
And I really dislike being hurt in anger, if that makes sense.

Do you think that when you have done wrong in his eyes, he should respect your feelings and only do what you want? Cake and eat it scenario!

quote:

ORIGINAL: sddaddysgirl
A punishment session when we're both calm is much different than him getting irritated and smacking me, you know?

Yes, it is very different, but you are an adult and I am sure you are fully aware there are consequences for your behaviour. It really is this simple, you piss someone off enough and they will react. Yet here you are lumping all blame on him, how about you look at what you do?

quote:

ORIGINAL: sddaddysgirl
I guess what I'm looking for is maybe advice on how to change things before they get to that point.

As last, some positivity... well the first and only rule of changing things is you cannot change others, you can only change how you react to others.

quote:

ORIGINAL: sddaddysgirl
Even just advice on how to talk to him about it.


Well if you are looking to understand, ask him questions. If you are expecting him to change because you don't like it this way, then you will be disappointed.

quote:

ORIGINAL: sddaddysgirl
Some way to make him hear me instead of dismissing me as being overly sensitive because of a past abusive relationship I was in.

What is it that you want him to hear? And could it be possible that you are being over sensitive?


quote:

ORIGINAL: sddaddysgirl
Does it matter at all its only been the past year he's been this way?

What changed? How have you changed? Cos ya know, in my experience of life relationships fail, and it is ALWAYS six of one, and half a dozen of the other. The only time this isn't true is when someone is to arrogant to admit responsibility for their failings.

quote:

ORIGINAL: sddaddysgirl
We've been together for seven years and for a long time had a very satisfying, comfortable M/s relationship.

What you have now isn't Ms... your dynamic has changed somehow.

quote:

ORIGINAL: sddaddysgirl
The smacks and pinches and all are minor, the worst they leave is a red mark for a few hours. Its the sentiment behind them and the loss of control everyone has mentioned that really upsets and bothers me.

My advice would be to work on this yourself. The sentiment, you've pissed him off, is he supposed to be pleased about it? The loss of control.. I read your first post as you being a drama queen, "causing my cigarette to severely burn my hand"... it's a cigarette burn ffs!! Your ego was hurt more than your hand.

Of course all this bothers you, you are struggling with your relationship... and you are likely to continue struggling until you can face up to what your part is in it all.

So sit down and ask questions and listen... that's the first of many steps to getting back on the right path :D

(in reply to sddaddysgirl)
Profile   Post #: 70
RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 3/8/2013 4:10:13 PM   
LookieNoNookie


Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sddaddysgirl

Or at least his version of punishment. Which has come down from a sort of formal spanking/beating that we both enjoy, to him just smacking, pinching, jacking my arms and hands into painful positions whenever I do something annoying.

I feel like he's crossing the line from Master to abusive prick. When I tried to talk to him about it today he threw my purse at me, causing my cigarette to severely burn my hand, and stormed out.

Am I wrong to question what the hell is going on with us now?


You're never wrong.

All the posters that tell you because you're a female, you have rights...that's unadulterated bullshit.

You have rights because you breath.

If you don't like it...it's wrong.

If I, as a male sub don't like it....it's wrong.

Don't matter if there's 3 kabillion male subs lined up for the 17 or 18 real Dommes looking to hook up with a great guy...if you don't like it....if it hurts and you find it offensive...male or female...it's unacceptable.

Done.


(in reply to sddaddysgirl)
Profile   Post #: 71
RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 3/8/2013 9:39:31 PM   
thishereboi


Posts: 14463
Joined: 6/19/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sddaddysgirl

Or at least his version of punishment. Which has come down from a sort of formal spanking/beating that we both enjoy, to him just smacking, pinching, jacking my arms and hands into painful positions whenever I do something annoying.

I feel like he's crossing the line from Master to abusive prick. When I tried to talk to him about it today he threw my purse at me, causing my cigarette to severely burn my hand, and stormed out.

Am I wrong to question what the hell is going on with us now?


Perhaps he is trying to prove that you are right and he is in fact turning into an abusive prick.

_____________________________

"Sweetie, you're wasting your gum" .. Albert


This here is the boi formerly known as orfunboi


(in reply to sddaddysgirl)
Profile   Post #: 72
RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 3/8/2013 10:04:17 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		How does a cigarette severely burn your hand when someone throws something at you? Did it grind down through layers of skin? I mean, how does that happen? I can see the ashes or even the cigarette lit falling for a millisecond on your skin.....but leaving a severe burn?? hhhmmmm....exaggerate much?

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

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Profile   Post #: 73
RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 3/9/2013 11:31:21 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

How does a cigarette severely burn your hand when someone throws something at you? Did it grind down through layers of skin? I mean, how does that happen? I can see the ashes or even the cigarette lit falling for a millisecond on your skin.....but leaving a severe burn?? hhhmmmm....exaggerate much?


Great minds and all that.

I also have to call foul that, because a guy threw a purse at a woman, he was in a relationship with, makes him an abusive prick or bully. We have noooooooooo idea what her version of 'trying to talk to him' really is. Maybe she was being cuntish and he was telling her to get the fuck out of his sight, earshot. We only have one side of the story and it's a fool that takes that one side as the entirety of the situation.

He might be an abusive jerk but then again he might not be. To make assumptions on so little and then, get even more creative as many have done....... is just over the top, drama llama shit.

And fuck all.........I didn't see the age of this thread.


< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 3/9/2013 11:32:48 AM >

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 74
RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 3/11/2013 6:22:33 AM   
Dominus4u


Posts: 2
Joined: 7/26/2012
Status: offline 		A Dominant must ALWAYS be in control of his emotions. We do not have the luxury of lashing out in that manor...PERIOD. If He's taking His responsibilities seriously, He knows that He is not only responsible for protecting you from the world as a whole, but from yourself, and most importantly HIMSELF.

When a Dominant hurts your for His/Her own anger venting purposes, it is no longer "hurting" but rather "harm" becomes the intent if not in a physical way then definitely in a mental capacity. We hurt...not harm. This is the point where a Dominant no longer deserves the title.

You should always feel open to discuss the relationship. Good communication, honesty, and respect are of paramount in importance in any relationship and most especially in D/s venues.

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 75
RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 3/11/2013 8:10:36 AM   
thishereboi


Posts: 14463
Joined: 6/19/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

How does a cigarette severely burn your hand when someone throws something at you? Did it grind down through layers of skin? I mean, how does that happen? I can see the ashes or even the cigarette lit falling for a millisecond on your skin.....but leaving a severe burn?? hhhmmmm....exaggerate much?


Depends on where the tip of the cigarette landed and how much clothing she was wearing at the time. Personally that part would not have mattered to me. The fact that he reacted like he did by throwing something and storming out would be enough. That is the kind of shit a kid does. Someone who calls himself a master should have better control of himself.

Now I wonder if the OP will ever come back and let us know what happened.

_____________________________

"Sweetie, you're wasting your gum" .. Albert


This here is the boi formerly known as orfunboi


(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 76
RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 3/11/2013 8:32:16 AM   
Hillwilliam


Posts: 19394
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Dominus4u

A Dominant must ALWAYS be in control of his emotions. We do not have the luxury of lashing out in that manor...PERIOD. If He's taking His responsibilities seriously, He knows that He is not only responsible for protecting you from the world as a whole, but from yourself, and most importantly HIMSELF.



I'm going to disagree with the semantics only.

I don't think anyone (human at least) can totally control their emotions. Emotions will happen no matter what. What they DO need to be in total control of is the actions that result from their emotions.
No matter what you feel, you must keep yourself in check.

_____________________________

Kinkier than a cheap garden hose.

Whoever said "Religion is the opiate of the masses" never heard Right Wing talk radio.

Don't blame me, I voted for Gary Johnson.

(in reply to Dominus4u)
Profile   Post #: 77
RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 3/11/2013 7:56:58 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Dominus4u

A Dominant must ALWAYS be in control of his emotions. We do not have the luxury of lashing out in that manor...PERIOD. If He's taking His responsibilities seriously, He knows that He is not only responsible for protecting you from the world as a whole, but from yourself, and most importantly HIMSELF.

When a Dominant hurts your for His/Her own anger venting purposes, it is no longer "hurting" but rather "harm" becomes the intent if not in a physical way then definitely in a mental capacity. We hurt...not harm. This is the point where a Dominant no longer deserves the title.

You should always feel open to discuss the relationship. Good communication, honesty, and respect are of paramount in importance in any relationship and most especially in D/s venues.


Seriously. Not everyone is in control of everything 24/7. Some things are out of even the best person's hands.

As for lashing out in anger, not all of us see that as a bad thing. I personally trust Master that if he wishes to "lash" out at me during his times when he's frustrated or angry about something then it's ok with me. I like knowing that I can be helpful to him in that way. I'm not saying he does do that, but I'm saying if he wanted to, so what? I would rather him use me for his "punching bag" than to go out and do something stupid or for him to hang onto all that anger needlessly.

< Message edited by littlewonder -- 3/11/2013 7:58:15 PM >

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

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Profile   Post #: 78
RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 3/11/2013 10:39:58 PM   
TAFKAA


Posts: 382
Joined: 1/5/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: catize

quote:

 This year has been difficult, though. There have been a lot of outside stresses for both of us and its impacted our relationship hard. 


Adversity doesn't build character, it reveals it.
No. Action reveals character.


_____________________________

The asshole formerly known as Awareness

(in reply to catize)
Profile   Post #: 79
RE: I need some perspective on my relationship with my ... - 3/12/2013 11:31:58 AM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dominus4u

A Dominant must ALWAYS be in control of his emotions. We do not have the luxury of lashing out in that manor...PERIOD. If He's taking His responsibilities seriously, He knows that He is not only responsible for protecting you from the world as a whole, but from yourself, and most importantly HIMSELF.

When a Dominant hurts your for His/Her own anger venting purposes, it is no longer "hurting" but rather "harm" becomes the intent if not in a physical way then definitely in a mental capacity. We hurt...not harm. This is the point where a Dominant no longer deserves the title.

You should always feel open to discuss the relationship. Good communication, honesty, and respect are of paramount in importance in any relationship and most especially in D/s venues.


Seriously. Not everyone is in control of everything 24/7. Some things are out of even the best person's hands.

As for lashing out in anger, not all of us see that as a bad thing. I personally trust Master that if he wishes to "lash" out at me during his times when he's frustrated or angry about something then it's ok with me. I like knowing that I can be helpful to him in that way. I'm not saying he does do that, but I'm saying if he wanted to, so what? I would rather him use me for his "punching bag" than to go out and do something stupid or for him to hang onto all that anger needlessly.

Master is smart enough that on the rare rare occasion someone makes him totally lose his cool, he goes for a long drive in the country and calms down before uttering a word aloud, much less taking action.

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 80
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