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ORIGINAL: elelohesterling

I would disagree, everyone has a right to be angry at some point. It is how the person acts and what he does when angry. I believe in the entire time me and my submissive and I have been together (both vanila and D/s) , I have gotten angry enough to even raise my voice three times. And I apologized as soon as I calmed down.

I have never punished in anger and make it a point to tell my submissive if she upsets me or breaks a rule, "Once I am calm, we will discuss this." Then after discussing the event if I still feel punishment is warranted, I come up with one that fits the crime, but I do so when calm, not while still keyed up.

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I have been reading various conversations on the D/s dynamic and Total Power Exchange experience. One poster on a site I visit asked if their situation was abuse, and many posted that it was, which I agree with, but a few gave the reasoning that it was because he was angry, and didn't control his reactions, which in this case was abuse, but the comments left me shaking my head because they focused on the anger rather than actions.

I believe that all people, inside or outside the lifestyle, have a right to be angry, and a right to lose some control. It is how far they lose control, what they do when angry, or how those two things manifest themselves and how the situation is resolved that determine whether they are abusive or not.

To my shame, I have lost control with Maria in the past, it has been rare, but I will not lie and say I have always been 100% in control. But my version of losing control is mild. I tend to raise my voice, and as soon as I do so, I go for a walk and tell her we will discuss it once I am calm, and then apologize for raising my voice.

To determine whether anger is abuse, you need to see four things.

First, does the person lash out with violence, or is it simply verbal? With either of these they can be abuse, but the first is much more likely a sign of abuse, the second is an abuse more dictated on frequency of the occurance and/or what is said, then simply yelling, as we all yell from time to time.

Secondly, How does the person react afterwards, Are they generally remorseful, or do they tend to blame the person they were angry at? Now here is another key thing, If I say that I am sorry for being angry, and then go on to ask that someone not do what made me angry in the first place, this is not blaming but explaining. Blame is when someone says "I'm sorry but..." and then goes on a rant about you. If the person is blaming others, that is a sign remorse for their actions is not present. This is another sign that the person is more interested in shying away from their actions instead of realizing how they hurt the other person, and is therefore a sign that abuse MAY be present, or that the person is simply selfish.

Third, how often does the outburst occur, is it a one time every few months thing, or is it an every day thing. If it is the latter, apologies are pointless as they are not seeking to avoid what they did previously. If it is the former then this means the person is human and makes mistakes. You do not expect perfection from yourself, you can not expect it from your partner, what you can expect both in Vanilla and D/s dynamics is that when you are open and honest about habits that concern you, that your partner will seek to improve themselves.

Fourth, I briefly touched on this earlier, but how severe is the incidents? Is it simply someone trying to raise a voice to be heard because they upset and feeling as if the other person is not helping them? Or is it name-calling and deragotory? For physical abuse, anytime someone does something to you physically that you do not approve of, you need to speak with them, and if they do so again, it's abuse. Plain and simple.