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RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/15/2012 5:43:25 AM

GotSteel

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ROTFL

Where are these numbers coming from?

quote:

ORIGINAL: http://www.mybdsm.com/pages/kalanasc/bdsm/acidtest.html
Various estimates and surveys have placed the ratio of true (i.e., natural) male sexual Dominants to female sexual submissives at about one to ten. However, a quick count in any given D/s oriented chat room would lead you to believe that male Doms outnumber the subs at about two to one. Now if there is actually only one male Dom for every ten female subs, that means that 19 out of the 20 "Doms" you see online HAVE TO BE FAKES. Keep this in mind. There is a 95% chance that any man you talk to online claiming to be a Dom is no such thing.

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RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/15/2012 5:51:48 AM

DarkSteven

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Heck, where did your quote come from?

quote:

ORIGINAL: GotSteel

ROTFL

Where are these numbers coming from?

quote:

ORIGINAL: http://www.mybdsm.com/pages/kalanasc/bdsm/acidtest.html
Various estimates and surveys have placed the ratio of true (i.e., natural) male sexual Dominants to female sexual submissives at about one to ten. However, a quick count in any given D/s oriented chat room would lead you to believe that male Doms outnumber the subs at about two to one. Now if there is actually only one male Dom for every ten female subs, that means that 19 out of the 20 "Doms" you see online HAVE TO BE FAKES. Keep this in mind. There is a 95% chance that any man you talk to online claiming to be a Dom is no such thing.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/15/2012 6:30:39 AM

kalikshama

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Two people refered to the Acid Test: http://www.mybdsm.com/pages/kalanasc/bdsm/acidtest.html

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RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/15/2012 6:49:11 AM

kalikshama

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I always ask them if they have a profile on a vanilla date site such as OKCupid. Most profiles here do not include enough vanilla information. So if someone has a kink-heavy profile here and no vanilla profiles elsewhere, that is a good indicator that he is either not relationship inclined or not good at expressing himself, both of which are important to me.

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RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/15/2012 6:51:48 AM

whantsonlyu

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The acid test is good. Thanks for that. Some things you would think are just plain common sense. I always listen to that voice that stands there screaming at you to run. To me if something doesn't feel right then I know it's not. I have been in situations where I've walked in and turned around walk out, just because of my gut feeling. Then later on get the its a good thing you left when you did x,y,z happened.

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RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/15/2012 7:26:24 AM

Lordandmaster

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So friendly and cheerful!

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

However, I seriously doubt this response has deflected your need to get into a pissing contest with me.

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RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/15/2012 8:06:39 AM

MstSebastian

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I have found that there is a question I can ask of submissives who contact me that helps (not guarantees) that I weed out the ones only in it for sex. (YMMV of course)

I ask "What is it that being a submissive does for you, what do you get out of it?"

If the answer is "I get horny knowing that I'm powerless to say no," I usually just chalk them up to people wanting a quick fuck and nothing more.

If the answer is more along the lines of what the submissive friend of mine who brought me in to this world has said, which is "I get a sense of freedom, security, and purpose from submitting myself to someone," then chances are that they are looking at D/s relationships as just that, relationships.

Now, this isn't a magic bullet by any means. There will be guys whose answers don't fall in to either of those categories. There will be those whose answer falls in to one of them, but they actually want the other. But, perhaps asking a question like that, a question of "What is it that being a Dom does for you" could help give you a clue about their motives.

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RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/15/2012 8:08:26 AM

MstSebastian

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

Just so you know, I find online water sports distasteful.

This is one of the greatest lines I've read in quite a while. Love it!

_____________________________

The greatest gift a person can give is the gift of their willing submission. It is a gift more precious than gold and more fragile than glass. It is my responsibility to make sure that, every day, I am worthy of that gift.

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RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/15/2012 8:19:39 AM

freedomdwarf1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

I always ask them if they have a profile on a vanilla date site such as OKCupid. Most profiles here do not include enough vanilla information. So if someone has a kink-heavy profile here and no vanilla profiles elsewhere, that is a good indicator that he is either not relationship inclined or not good at expressing himself, both of which are important to me.

I don't agree.

There must be many on here that wouldn't dream of having a dating profile on a vanilla site because that is not what they are seeking.

If you want a purely vanilla lifestyle, you wouldn't advertise yourself on any kink site and vice-versa.
In much the same way as you wouldn't want to be on a NSA swinger site if you are seeking something more permanent.

I'm not saying that some people don't so that, just that it wouldn't be your average option for most.

Most people join the type of sites that best fits what they are looking for - not just any old site for the sake of it 'just in case' someone wants to see something elsewhere.

Sure, many don't bother to fill out their profile - that is very common on all sites with profiles - not just CM.

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RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/15/2012 8:24:01 AM

whantsonlyu

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I do and did ask... What does it mean to you being a Dom? What do you get from it? And of course he side steped it. Which I'm not stupid and my he's avoiding the q's because he's hiding something voice kicked in.

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RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/15/2012 8:30:52 AM

OsideGirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: whantsonlyu

I don't engauage in any sexual acts with strange people I meet online. I did and always do discuss limits, and the use of safe words. Even had a Dom say there was no need for safe words as we would never do anything that rough. I told him that I was no longer interested in commutating with him as I see now my safety would be in danger. I always follow my gut and for 30 years it's always been right.

Btw can't fix pic on my cell and I'm never at a computer.

IMO, the stage you're at you should only be discussing generalities. I don't see the point of discussing limits and what submission means to me until we've met face to face and I decide if I like you enough to even consider doing those things with you.

For the record, if some had asked me "What does submission mean to you?" I would have been totally turned off. It strikes me as a fluffy question where I'm supposed to come up with some over romanticized answer that makes hearts and groins twitch. I tend to be a practical, logical person and things like that just don't work for me.

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RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/15/2012 8:34:36 AM

freedomdwarf1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: whantsonlyu

I do and did ask... What does it mean to you being a Dom? What do you get from it? And of course he side steped it. Which I'm not stupid and my he's avoiding the q's because he's hiding something voice kicked in.

That's a good voice to listen too.

Any decent, honest, genuine person on either side of the fence would be happy to answer any questions.

Anyone who side-steps sensible questions isn't worth spending any more time on.

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RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/15/2012 8:35:15 AM

MstSebastian

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quote:

ORIGINAL: whantsonlyu

I do and did ask... What does it mean to you being a Dom? What do you get from it? And of course he side steped it. Which I'm not stupid and my he's avoiding the q's because he's hiding something voice kicked in.

It ultimately comes down to this: Trust your instinct. If your inner-voice is saying "Run, run like hell," then run like hell. If you listen to yourself, to your instincts, you will come out better in the end more often than not. In our day and age people often want to discount instinct and gut reaction. But, those emotions and reactions exist to protect ourselves. Use them, trust them.

_____________________________

The greatest gift a person can give is the gift of their willing submission. It is a gift more precious than gold and more fragile than glass. It is my responsibility to make sure that, every day, I am worthy of that gift.

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RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/15/2012 8:40:55 AM

poise

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ARIES83

Well if I got the vibe I was getting interrogated or
psychoanalysed, I might not be as answery as I
might be otherwise...
Text isn't the best medium for this IMO.

I agree with this, and not only because some people may have trouble sharing their thoughts
a few keystrokes at a time, but there are also some very savvy people out there that can
give you all the answers you hope for, but to them, they are just words used to score points.
You may be disregarding someone who is perfect for you, simply because he can't articulate
his answers to your liking.

I think asking questions regarding a dynamic that doesn't exist between the two of you yet
is like asking them what they will be ordering for dessert when you go out for dinner in 2015.
Determine if they are someone you would even consider having dinner with first.

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RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/15/2012 8:43:21 AM

TieMeInKnottss

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I kind of know what you mean. If you are looking for something specific in a man/woman...you kind of want to find out, upfront, if someone you meet is viable. A lot of this is due to the Internet--even vanilla dating websites have you answer questions and try to match you to compatible people-on eHarmony or OKCupid-they ask "do u want long term or short term?", "is religion important to u" "do u want children?" "Do you eat meat or are you vegan?".. I tend to be a "business thinker"-I like all cards on the table. I don't like surprises like, you date him for six months & find out that he is financially irresponsible or that he dreams of quitting his job & moving to Hollywood.. We all have "hard limits" in our vanilla world too.

I have a two pronged approach (& I am VERY upfront so I don't get accused of being a fake or no intent on actually meeting in person). A man I befriended on here just expressed an interest in a relationship with me. I warned him that he would be grilled & had to, upfront, accept that I would ask a lot of questions, I was not engaging in any type of "intimate" contact or conversation, he was free to ask me questions... I have one set of "standards" and one set of "Dom/kinky" stuff. I emailed him the entire first list...he answered the questions, asked me some... I like the answers and emailed him the second set of questions. I liked his answers, I like how he handled being asked all this & his interest in finding stuff out about me as well . I have suggested we start meeting for coffee or lunch (but bluntly said no intimate contact or discussions). If we meet and I get a good feel I know he already meets my standards and what his "Dom style" is so I would then consider moving forward.

The hardest thing with Internet meeting is that you usually get all the personal stuff out of the way upfront & that can give you a false sense of intimacy. Just because you agree that you both hate pain, don't do group sex and he has told you about all of his previous relationships does not mean you HAVE to go any further nor does it mean that he doesn't have mundane quirks like being a slob or hates to ever go out...You do not KNOW him. It is great to get the little stuff out of the way, but you still need to know character.

By all means, ask all the important "limits and standards" stuff upfront, but don't stop there...once you know you COULD have a relationship doesn't mean you have to so then do the "dating-I like bacon on my ice cream". If you are lucky and find out you LIkE him, you already have the big stuff out of the way

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RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/15/2012 8:45:42 AM

JeffBC

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quote:

ORIGINAL: whantsonlyu
Ok I am talking to a Dom I asked some basic q's. Like what does submission mean to you? What fetishes do you have experience in? Define what D/s is to you. Things like that. Anyways he seems to be side stepping the personal definition q's. I'm getting the feeling he has no clue, and is just in it for the sex. Which to me is a byproduct. Just want feed back.

Uh... I think you should ask questions that align with whatever your curious about. That way you honestly reveal yourself and, with any luck, get clear answers regarding whatever your questions are about.

In the end, like all relationship things, the answer to this is going to be unique. If you started out with those questions to me I'd drop you like a hot potato. Good questions to ask ME would be things like:

"What's your favorite food?"
"Tell me about your family?"
"What do you do for a living?"
"What was your childhood like?"
etc.

But that's just me and the sorts of questions someone who was compatible with me would be asking. You need to ask the questions that will highlight who is compatible for you and at the same time honestly show your interests.

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RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/15/2012 8:50:48 AM

OsideGirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: poise

quote:

ORIGINAL: ARIES83

Well if I got the vibe I was getting interrogated or
psychoanalysed, I might not be as answery as I
might be otherwise...
Text isn't the best medium for this IMO.

I agree with this, and not only because some people may have trouble sharing their thoughts
a few keystrokes at a time, but there are also some very savvy people out there that can
give you all the answers you hope for, but to them, they are just words used to score points.
You may be disregarding someone who is perfect for you, simply because he can't articulate
his answers to your liking.

I think asking questions regarding a dynamic that doesn't exist between the two of you yet
is like asking them what they will be ordering for dessert when you go out for dinner in 2015.
Determine if they are someone you would even consider having dinner with first.

Exactly. I'll also add that those would questions would be deeply personal to me and that person isn't entitled to ask questions that personal.

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RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/15/2012 9:02:07 AM

whantsonlyu

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I did ask the general get to know a little about you questions. As I have kids so I want to be extra careful, not just for me but them too. As I would never bring anyone around my kids, but I do want to be around for my kids.

I feel like if I'm not comfortable IMing, or messaging, then I'm not giving out my number. If I feel ok texting, then I'll call. You can tell more by a voice or in person conversation than you can by messaging. I know this. But if it makes it to the calls I don't feel comfortable after I've talked to someone, then I'm not going to be comfortable in meeting them. As I have heard a lot of sub frenzy and I don't want to be one of those horror stories.

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RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/15/2012 9:08:56 AM

chatterbox24

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I think unless your in a hurry you dont even have to ask all those questions right from the start.

Regular conversation on a vanilla level can give you some good info. If you even like their interests, or thoughts on mundane things. Then go from there. When someone starts asking a bunch of questions right from the start, especially sexual ones , its a turn off to me, and seems they are in a huge hurry to just find someone.
Basically its what people are looking for too, if its just sexual well then that works, but to build a relatiosnhip its to fast in my opinion. Thats my story and im sticking to it. LOL.

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RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/15/2012 9:16:28 AM

lizi

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quote:

ORIGINAL: whantsonlyu

Ok I am talking to a Dom I asked some basic q's. Like what does submission mean to you? What fetishes do you have experience in? Define what D/s is to you. Things like that. Anyways he seems to be side stepping the personal definition q's. I'm getting the feeling he has no clue, and is just in it for the sex. Which to me is a byproduct. Just want feed back.

To me, approaching a person from a kink standpoint is ass backwards. I need to know who he is as a person and if I can stand being around him or not. Therefore the questions I ask in the very beginning are general questions about his life, activities, family, non-kinky likes/dislikes, etc. The types of questions that would be appropriate if I had just met someone at a party. It seems to me that any questions on intimate topics is for when I know someone better. In fact if a man writes me and asks about sex and/or kink I don't answer unless it's to say that I don't share personal information with strangers.

I think if I go to a private subject too soon with someone, then he thinks those boundaries are breeched. He tends to think the physical boundaries are gone too and we're just wasting time till the naked stuff happens. I want to keep my distance for a while till I get the idea of what someone is like. It's easier to go slower and cross boundaries like that then to take one back later.

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