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RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/15/2012 5:08:45 PM

GotSteel

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama
Why would I possibly think someone is looking for a relationship if his profile consists solely of kink? That spells "wants kinky fuck buddy."

What's wrong with that?

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RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/15/2012 5:19:10 PM

kalikshama

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I am a female looking for a relationship with a straight male dom. The OP is female, looking for a straight male dom and "Not looking for games or wanna be's." Hence my responses.

I'd be happy to extol the virtues of kinky fuck buddies on another thread.

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RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/15/2012 5:31:13 PM

GotSteel

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quote:

ORIGINAL: absolutchocolat
and GotSteel, who the hell knows where these numbers are coming from. whenever i see figures like that, i immediately roll my eyes, especially since there's usually no outside proof of such a claim.

Eye rolling was my response. It starts by citing unnamed "estimates and surveys" and discounts 19 out of 20 doms because they're not twue. That alone made me inclined to follow the acid tests advice "When in doubt, throw it out!" on the acid test.

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RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/15/2012 5:34:34 PM

kalikshama

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MstSebastian - I reread your profile and retract the "entirely kink based" part of my earlier statement:

quote:

Your profile is an example of one I would bypass because it is entirely kink-based. I want to get some insight into the potential as a person as well. Asking for a vanilla site profile gives them a second chance to show me they do want a relationship and not just sex.

I was scanning for vanilla stuff about you and missed your mentions of vanilla stuff about a potential partner.

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RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/15/2012 6:13:30 PM

MstSebastian

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Kali,

I understand. That can happen to all of us. Let's just move on, past the discussion of my profile and back to the OP. ;-)

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RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/15/2012 6:15:19 PM

GotSteel

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi
To me, approaching a person from a kink standpoint is ass backwards. I need to know who he is as a person and if I can stand being around him or not. Therefore the questions I ask in the very beginning are general questions about his life, activities, family, non-kinky likes/dislikes, etc. The types of questions that would be appropriate if I had just met someone at a party.

Here's the thing, if I'd been looking to do things like I'd just met someone at a party, I'd have been doing it at a party and not on collarme.

Normally when boy meets girl they can assume a fair amount of sexual compatibility, that's not so much the case for us sexual minorities. For those who've come to the conclusion that it's harder to find a compatible sexuality than a compatible personality it makes sense to ask a certain amount about sexuality up front.

Here's an unrelated example, I wouldn't expect a gay guy to spend time wining and dining another guy, finding out about him as a person before finding out if the other guy is gay. Do you see what I'm saying? Since the gay question eliminates over 90% of guys it makes sense for a gay guy to find that out really early on.

Correspondingly, I don't think it's unreasonable for guys who have meet plenty of awesome women at parties who turned out not to be very sexually compatible to try and get a feeling for that compatibility fairly early on.

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RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/15/2012 6:16:44 PM

GotSteel

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama
MstSebastian - I reread your profile and retract the "entirely kink based" part of my earlier statement:

Check....sounds like we've been talking past each other.

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RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/15/2012 7:14:19 PM

littlewonder

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If it's not what you're looking for then tell him and move on. Not hard is it?

When I first started talking to Master online, we rarely talked about bdsm or sex or kink. It seemed to always be around our everyday lives and philosophy, politics, etc...Even when we first met, our conversations revolved around other "vanilla" stuff. I didn't have to ask him about dominance or submission because I gathered it from our conversations. It wasn't difficult at all. And when we met in person it was completely undeniable about where he stood on it all. It was as obvious as day from his actions and attitude. It took nothing more than that for me.

So it's just something you may want to think about. Get to know the person as a person, not as a dom or sub...just someone that you would talk to like you would meet anywhere else.

< Message edited by littlewonder -- 11/15/2012 7:23:41 PM >

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RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/15/2012 8:04:46 PM

whantsonlyu

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I understand getting to know someone on a normal non-kink level first. I have no problem with someone not answering my q's. what I do have a problem with is the just plain ignoring and acting like I never asked anything to begin with. If he said something along the lines of I don't think we are to that point yet so ill hold off on answering that. Or even I'm not ready to discuss that yet. I would've been ok with that. To me if a person ignores a q I ask, it's the same as they are ignoring me. If you are ignoring my q's now, what's to say when it's something very important it too won't be ignore. I see other post where ppl come on here saying my ______ is not listening to me or my concerns what do I do? All I was asking was for some q's that could help weed out players and just guys wanting kinky sex. Even the acid test says that you should weed them out.

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RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/15/2012 8:09:22 PM

littlewonder

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You did weed them out. They ignored you. Shrug it off and move on.

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RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/16/2012 1:04:23 AM

JeffBC

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quote:

ORIGINAL: whantsonlyu
To me if a person ignores a q I ask, it's the same as they are ignoring me.

Yeah... that's pretty obvious. I also heartily concur with the "follow your instinct" line of reasoning many have stated here.

But I am sort of curious about this "ignoring your question" thing. Seriously? You asked the questions you've indicated in some medium and with some degree of vigorousness to ensure they didn't just get lost in the flurry of chat text and he simply blew them off??? multiple times??? without any sort of comment or explanation??? What? Was it simply dead air space? I'm a bit lost as to whether the questions were ignored or not answered to your satisfaction.

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RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/16/2012 1:28:35 AM

ChatteParfaitt

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

There is only one question to ask...

How do you create obedience?

For that answer tells much.

I have thus spoken.

quote:

ORIGINAL: areallivehuman

My woman asked me a good one at our first meet, "What do you do if you if you make a mistake/"

Two great questions to ask.

Asking questions is fine, but it is starting to sound a bit like a quiz show where one wrong answer and a huge buzzer goes off. I can see why some would ignore that. Loosen up your style a bit and let the conversation go with the flow, if you know what I mean.

I have this strong philosophy about the males of our species (dom or sub) and it is this: males have a strong tendency to talk about things when they want to. Most don't have our verbal skills, and need to be in the right frame of mind for these types of discussions. So I suggest you back off on the questions and just try and get to know the guy as a person. Over time you will more naturally get into these types of discussions.

You are new, young, and attractive, and I presume are getting a lot of cmail attention. You are not going to be able to answer all those emails, or personally 'vet' them all through a Q & A session. Find other means for weeding out those who are not a good match.

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RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/16/2012 7:03:11 AM

chatterbox24

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quote:

ORIGINAL: areallivehuman

My woman asked me a good one at our first meet, "What do you do if you if you make a mistake/"

That is a damn good question, but what if they are like me and have never made a mistake? Hard to answer. Weeeeeeee.....its friday!

IM kidding of course, but that is a good question. Do you own up to it? Deny it? Blame someone else? Give the right answer, but only because you know what you are suppose to do, but dont actually do it, but fool the other person in to believing you are so honorable.

Its nice to think people mean their words, but until you experience them in action, they remain words.

ANd dats all folks!

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RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/16/2012 1:59:32 PM

Kana

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quote:

ORIGINAL: whantsonlyu

Ok I am talking to a Dom I asked some basic q's. Like what does submission mean to you? What fetishes do you have experience in? Define what D/s is to you. Things like that. Anyways he seems to be side stepping the personal definition q's. I'm getting the feeling he has no clue, and is just in it for the sex. Which to me is a byproduct. Just want feed back.

Truthfully-talk about everything EXCEPT BDSM and sex. See if you click as people, if he's interesting, if he finds you the same, if you have similar morals, values, goals, life expectations.
Only once that's done do you talk about the other stuff, and even then I'd be wary. Once that beast enters the conversation, it tends to crowd everything else out...on both sides.
That's what I've done. I talk to chicks about life, philosophy (I had one gal say, "I can't believe I'm discussing Aristotle on a BDSM site." to which I replied, "Why not?") I wanna know what color she likes, what her goals are, is she educated, intelligent, is she fun. Does she have good relations with her family? Does she talk shit about all her exes? What's her favorite food? How does she react in stressful situations? What are her fears?
Fuck, I wanna know everything.

9 times out of 10 she'll initiate the other stuff, say something like, "Are we gonna ever talk about sex or BDSM?"
To which I say, "Sure, I just wanted you to be comfortable about it...and to let her kknow through time and effort that I'm not a HNG or a wanker.
And by that point, she already knows I'm a dominant guy.
Not because of any boasting I did or any resume I've cited, but because she has a feel for who I am as a man and how I handle myself in conversation.

And ya know what-it seems to have worked out well for this cat.

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RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/16/2012 2:51:48 PM

OsideGirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: whantsonlyu
All I was asking was for some q's that could help weed out players and just guys wanting kinky sex.

The best way to weed out the guys looking for kinky sex:

1) Don't discuss the details of your sex life, your sexual fantasies or what makes you hot. Stick to generalities.

2) Do not submit before meeting face to face.

3) Make it clear that there will no sex or play on the first meeting.

4) Make it clear that there will not be any play or sex until you feel comfortable. That could be 1 week that could be 6 weeks.

5) Make it clear that if he pressures you for sex or play before you are ready, you'll walk away.

The quick sex guys will walk right away. The guys that don't respect your boundaries and try to pressure you will make themselves obvious shortly there after (they think they're so charming you will forget your boundaries). Those rules definitely get rid of the players.

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RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/16/2012 9:36:03 PM

whantsonlyu

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I even in vanilla relationships never play, or have sex the first few(1- whenever) until I'm ready. If a guy pressures me I leave right away and tell him if he contacts me again ill have him arrested for stalking. And I would never submit without meeting face to face and on more than one occasion.

I always play it safe, even had a few guys not want to meet because of my safety measures. I tell them that I will be giving my friend a current photo, name, number, address, and any other important info.... Ie where we are meeting , if I leave said location and stuff like that. I even have taken a friend with me just to hang out not under my ass but in the same area. Some guys will say I don't want anyone to know about me, I say ok well good luck cause I won't be there. I even have a code word for "help" that I will use,set up between me and my friends.

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RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/17/2012 8:57:35 AM

SchrodingerSock

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Do you like cake.
is it true you were going to call one of your cats ms nosferatu and that she has a taste for robins
is it true the other is immortal at 154 (kitty years)
Do you only drink chardonnay
Can you explain gravity

What you asked were generalisations.
Are you asking about the person or the fragment with a label
if you do not know the person the answers are meaningless
But you didn't contribute anything either.
My profile is exactly the same no matter what site I am on - but good point whoever said that

Oh, and for the thrill seekers they will have usually turned the conversation to sex by email; 1-3

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RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/17/2012 10:55:53 AM

OsideGirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: whantsonlyu

I even in vanilla relationships never play, or have sex the first few(1- whenever) until I'm ready. If a guy pressures me I leave right away and tell him if he contacts me again ill have him arrested for stalking. And I would never submit without meeting face to face and on more than one occasion.

I always play it safe, even had a few guys not want to meet because of my safety measures. I tell them that I will be giving my friend a current photo, name, number, address, and any other important info.... Ie where we are meeting , if I leave said location and stuff like that. I even have taken a friend with me just to hang out not under my ass but in the same area. Some guys will say I don't want anyone to know about me, I say ok well good luck cause I won't be there. I even have a code word for "help" that I will use,set up between me and my friends.

I had one experience when I was fairly new that wasn't really bad, just left me regretting my decision...and I decided to take steps to prevent that from happening again. Hence those rules came about. I was also very specific about who and what I was looking for. I had guys that told me I wasn't submissive, that I was an ice princess...etc. Bottom line, is that those rules did prevent those situations from arising and I ended up married to the love of my life.

The first piece of advice that I give novices is: Find your boundaries and hold to them or you will have a miserable experience finding a partner.

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RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/17/2012 8:10:09 PM

DesFIP

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MstSebastian

Kali,

I understand. That can happen to all of us. Let's just move on, past the discussion of my profile and back to the OP. ;-)

Not to harass you, but the fact that people had to reread your profile to find mention of nonkink interests would not normally get you someone looking for more than a fwb. Someone looking for a relationship should have this stuff first, and kink last. Because if it doesn't catch the eye, frequently people don't bother reading all the way to the bottom.

Just a comment on how to better write a profile, using you as an example. And a het dom wanting a het female would have problems with a profile where the nonkink stuff was not front and center.

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RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/17/2012 8:35:29 PM

MstSebastian

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

ORIGINAL: MstSebastian

Kali,

I understand. That can happen to all of us. Let's just move on, past the discussion of my profile and back to the OP. ;-)

Not to harass you...

Yet, that's just what you are going to do here. Huh...funny.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

, but the fact that people had to reread your profile to find mention of nonkink interests would not normally get you someone looking for more than a fwb. Someone looking for a relationship should have this stuff first, and kink last. Because if it doesn't catch the eye, frequently people don't bother reading all the way to the bottom.

Just a comment on how to better write a profile, using you as an example. And a het dom wanting a het female would have problems with a profile where the nonkink stuff was not front and center.

What part of "I'm happy with my profile," "I'm not looking for a female sub," and "Let's get back to the OP" are you having a tough time with?

You don't like my profile. Fine. Get over it.

< Message edited by MstSebastian -- 11/17/2012 8:37:53 PM >

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