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RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/15/2012 9:25:32 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		There is only one question to ask...

How do you create obedience?

For that answer tells much.

I have thus spoken.

(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/15/2012 9:43:12 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi

To me, approaching a person from a kink standpoint is ass backwards. I need to know who he is as a person and if I can stand being around him or not. Therefore the questions I ask in the very beginning are general questions about his life, activities, family, non-kinky likes/dislikes, etc. The types of questions that would be appropriate if I had just met someone at a party. It seems to me that any questions on intimate topics is for when I know someone better. In fact if a man writes me and asks about sex and/or kink I don't answer unless it's to say that I don't share personal information with strangers.

I think if I go to a private subject too soon with someone, then he thinks those boundaries are breeched. He tends to think the physical boundaries are gone too and we're just wasting time till the naked stuff happens. I want to keep my distance for a while till I get the idea of what someone is like. It's easier to go slower and cross boundaries like that then to take one back later.


Thank you Lizi. You said it much better than I did.


_____________________________

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The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/15/2012 9:48:50 AM   
Spiritedsub2


Posts: 3316
Joined: 7/18/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC
Uh... I think you should ask questions that align with whatever your curious about. That way you honestly reveal yourself and, with any luck, get clear answers regarding whatever your questions are about.
In the end, like all relationship things, the answer to this is going to be unique.
etc...
You need to ask the questions that will highlight who is compatible for you and at the same time honestly show your interests.

I really love this. If you are reasonably clear on what you are looking for, and ask the questions that matter to you, you get the answers you need and reveal yourself at the same time. And, it requires you to look carefully at yourself and try to get clear on where you are/what you want. Sounds like the natural way to flow.


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~ Rumi

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(in reply to JeffBC)
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RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/15/2012 10:06:23 AM   
GotSteel


Posts: 5871
Joined: 2/19/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama
So if someone has a kink-heavy profile here and no vanilla profiles elsewhere, that is a good indicator that he is either not relationship inclined or not good at expressing himself, both of which are important to me.


Or that he thinks having compatible kinks is an essential and hardest part of to find.

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/15/2012 10:11:16 AM   
MstSebastian


Posts: 169
Joined: 3/19/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GotSteel

quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama
So if someone has a kink-heavy profile here and no vanilla profiles elsewhere, that is a good indicator that he is either not relationship inclined or not good at expressing himself, both of which are important to me.


Or that he thinks having compatible kinks is an essential and hardest part of to find.

That is my thought. I don't have any vanilla profiles out there. It isn't because I'm not "relationship inclined or good at expressing myself." It is because being in a D/s relationship, having the kink and fetishes, is an incredibly important part of what I am looking for. Why would I go to OkCupid, or any other vanilla site for that matter, and look for a submissive? That would be like coming to CM and putting up a profile that says "Those with kinks need not apply."


_____________________________

The greatest gift a person can give is the gift of their willing submission. It is a gift more precious than gold and more fragile than glass. It is my responsibility to make sure that, every day, I am worthy of that gift.

(in reply to GotSteel)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/15/2012 2:37:18 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		If you'd spent any time on OKC, you would know how incredibly kink-friendly it is :)

Your profile is an example of one I would bypass because it is entirely kink-based. I want to get some insight into the potential as a person as well. Asking for a vanilla site profile gives them a second chance to show me they do want a relationship and not just sex.

freedomdwarf1 - the same applies to your profile.

Have y'all seen this: For men: how to find a woman here

...Ok, profile time. I won't make this a profile writing 101 class (better for another thread for another day) but briefly, I'll suggest that it shouldn't simply be a BDSM resume, unless you're only looking for a local play partner. "I am experienced in the single tail, excel in intricate bondage, and am an expert with the Violet Wand" is all cool stuff to have, but if that's all you have, it's not likely to draw any interest. When I'm reading a woman's profile and see nothing about what she does, where she lives, what she enjoys, and what makes her happy, I usually just click 'Next.' I'm not looking for nameless faceless BDSM partners, I'm looking for genuine friends that I might enjoy playing with. Indeed, to get into their head in a scene, I need to have an idea of who they are, and what motivates them.

Women need the same thing, guys; the girls who have those profiles listing just BDSM interests? They never write back. Why? It's a fantasy profile, written by someone bored, and not necessarily female. Biological women might not know what to say, but rarely do they only talk about their sexual/Fetish interests and ignore their personal interests. Point is, be memorable. Talk about your love of rock climbing, your favorite bands, your happiest moments, places that you've travelled or want to travel, your love of sushi, whatever it is that you really enjoy doing with people, when you're not beating/being beaten. That's the stuff that piques an interest; after that stuff, then she'll be more curious to know about what's stashed in your toybag.

_____________________________

Curious about the "Sluts Vote" avatars? See http://www.collarchat.com/m_4133036/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#4133036

(in reply to MstSebastian)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/15/2012 2:50:31 PM   
MstSebastian


Posts: 169
Joined: 3/19/2011
Status: offline 		Well, I'm not entirely sure how you think my profile is entirely kink-based, but that really doesn't matter. I'm quite happy with my profile as is, so I'm not planning on changing it.

And, for the record, I really don't see a need to make my profile alluring to women. I am not trying to attract women. So, thanks, but I'm good.

_____________________________

The greatest gift a person can give is the gift of their willing submission. It is a gift more precious than gold and more fragile than glass. It is my responsibility to make sure that, every day, I am worthy of that gift.

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/15/2012 2:51:02 PM   
areallivehuman


Posts: 277
Joined: 1/16/2010
Status: offline 		My woman asked me a good one at our first meet, "What do you do if you if you make a mistake/"

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/15/2012 2:57:36 PM   
MstSebastian


Posts: 169
Joined: 3/19/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: areallivehuman

My woman asked me a good one at our first meet, "What do you do if you if you make a mistake/"

I think that is a good "getting to know you" question for anyone, BDSM or vanilla. I've always thought that the judge of a person's character isn't the mistakes that they make, but how they handle the mistakes that they make.

I may have to use that question.

_____________________________

The greatest gift a person can give is the gift of their willing submission. It is a gift more precious than gold and more fragile than glass. It is my responsibility to make sure that, every day, I am worthy of that gift.

(in reply to areallivehuman)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/15/2012 3:08:14 PM   
absolutchocolat


Posts: 1392
Status: offline 		based on your responses, i think you'll be just fine. good luck :)

and GotSteel, who the hell knows where these numbers are coming from. whenever i see figures like that, i immediately roll my eyes, especially since there's usually no outside proof of such a claim.

(in reply to whantsonlyu)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/15/2012 3:38:12 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Sebastian. Your profile appears totally kink based to me. Luckily you aren't looking for women or you would be seeking a long time.

When I was looking I talked about what was important to me. I had all of one sentence at the end telling about what kinkwise I was looking for. Anybody who read it would know immediately I wasn't compatible with a sadist or a sub, but that I wanted a non edgy bondage top.

If he had asked me what submission meant to me I would have said good luck and good bye. We talked about our lives. We became friends. I learned if he was a devoted father because men who aren't, are men I don't respect. A man who will go to parent teacher meetings, coach basketball, attend gymnastic meets meant a lot more to me than anything else. He can always learn more involved topping skills, he can't learn to be a responsible loving human being without a lot of therapy.

But I looked for someone I genuinely liked and respected. A friend. Someone I could love and trust.

< Message edited by DesFIP -- 11/15/2012 3:41:08 PM >

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(in reply to absolutchocolat)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/15/2012 4:29:48 PM   
MstSebastian


Posts: 169
Joined: 3/19/2011
Status: offline 		I'm not entirely sure how this thread has turned from "what are good questions to ask of a potential Dom" to "critique Sebastian's profile for attractiveness to women." But, umm, thanks...I guess.

_____________________________

The greatest gift a person can give is the gift of their willing submission. It is a gift more precious than gold and more fragile than glass. It is my responsibility to make sure that, every day, I am worthy of that gift.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/15/2012 4:35:42 PM   
absolutchocolat


Posts: 1392
Status: offline 		scratches head

i didn't see anything wrong with your profile when i looked, so i'm not sure what that's about either.

(in reply to MstSebastian)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/15/2012 4:37:52 PM   
GotSteel


Posts: 5871
Joined: 2/19/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MstSebastian
And, for the record, I really don't see a need to make my profile alluring to women. I am not trying to attract women. So, thanks, but I'm good.

Ohh *Snap*

Kali, I've seen those profiles where the writer was clearly masturbating while filling it out and agree that perhaps isn't the ideal impression to make on most strangers.

However, the 40-50 year old female crowd can at times come off as rather prudish when it comes to judging peoples profiles. Sebastian's has a very valid point that you shouldn't expect a profile written to attract significantly younger gay males to appeal to you.

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/15/2012 4:41:48 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		Lol, I got that he is gay. The majority of straight men write profiles like that too. They are not attractive to me.

I have never been accused of being a prude. I had lots of casual play when I first joined CM, then got tired of driving home afterwards and started looking for Relationship Guy. It's not 100% accurate, but men who are both self-reflective and relationship inclined will add vanilla stuff to their profile or also have a profile on vanilla date sites.

Why would I possibly think someone is looking for a relationship if his profile consists solely of kink? That spells "wants kinky fuck buddy."

< Message edited by kalikshama -- 11/15/2012 4:51:46 PM >

_____________________________

Curious about the "Sluts Vote" avatars? See http://www.collarchat.com/m_4133036/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#4133036

(in reply to GotSteel)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/15/2012 4:43:10 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MstSebastian

I'm not entirely sure how this thread has turned from "what are good questions to ask of a potential Dom" to "critique Sebastian's profile for attractiveness to women." But, umm, thanks...I guess.
I rather enjoyed it.

Keep something in mind. We poly folks are the minority, so most people look at profiles from a monogamous standpoint. I tell people regularly that I don't give a fig of what music they like or movies they enjoy. I have a primary relationship and that makes kink compatibility take a higher priority.

I knew I had good vibes about you.



_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to MstSebastian)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/15/2012 4:51:54 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

I always ask them if they have a profile on a vanilla date site such as OKCupid. Most profiles here do not include enough vanilla information. So if someone has a kink-heavy profile here and no vanilla profiles elsewhere, that is a good indicator that he is either not relationship inclined or not good at expressing himself, both of which are important to me.
I'd fail. Yet, I am both relationship inclined AND express Myself well enough.

I am what I call poly optional. I'm also kink optional. Wanting to have those things is why I have an additional relationship.

When the primary relationship is already very satisfying, the kink gets bumped up on the priority list a bit. We already have that fu-fu stuff. We just don't have the kink with our primary. I'm already very happy with MP, so all of My wants/needs on the emotional front are met. Therefore, kink and protocol compatibility are the things that I look for. It's just icing on the cake, but I really like to know what flavor.



_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/15/2012 4:52:27 PM   
MstSebastian


Posts: 169
Joined: 3/19/2011
Status: offline 		Thanks, LP! I got a good vibe from you as well.

But, you make a good point. My partner provides me with all the vanilla fun and rewards that I need. That is why I'm here, to find that person who can help me fill the needs I have for a kink-D/s based relationship.

_____________________________

The greatest gift a person can give is the gift of their willing submission. It is a gift more precious than gold and more fragile than glass. It is my responsibility to make sure that, every day, I am worthy of that gift.

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/15/2012 4:58:38 PM   
MstSebastian


Posts: 169
Joined: 3/19/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

Why would I possibly think someone is looking for a relationship if his profile consists solely of kink? That spells "wants kinky fuck buddy."

What I want to know is why you felt the need to comment on my profile in the first place. If you aren't looking for someone like me, and I'm not looking for someone like you, then what was the point?

_____________________________

The greatest gift a person can give is the gift of their willing submission. It is a gift more precious than gold and more fragile than glass. It is my responsibility to make sure that, every day, I am worthy of that gift.

(in reply to MstSebastian)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: What are good questions a newbie should ask of a po... - 11/15/2012 5:07:12 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		As I said, many straight men have profiles with the same focus as yours. You took issue with the importance of having vanilla stuff in your profile. While that may work for gay men, many women here do not like it, especially those who are looking for a primary relationship.

My point was not to say that YOU need to have more vanilla stuff in your profile to find what YOU are looking for.



< Message edited by kalikshama -- 11/15/2012 5:08:45 PM >

_____________________________

Curious about the "Sluts Vote" avatars? See http://www.collarchat.com/m_4133036/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#4133036

(in reply to MstSebastian)
Profile   Post #: 60
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