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stellauk -> RE: I, for one, fully support a War on Christmas. (11/21/2012 9:41:01 AM)
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I don't celebrate Christmas but I fully support the rights of people who do. They obviously have a need for suffering, guilt trips and discomfort which can only be satiated properly towards the end of the year.
It's the nature of Christians... While other religions mark their major festivals by fasting or not eating all the major Christian festivals involve people shopping, stuffing themselves with unpalatable food, getting pissed, and stressing themselves out.
It starts earlier and earlier every year, usually when companies decide they want to get rid all their crap by putting pictures of snow scenes, Santas and holly on the packaging.
People start talking about it, and the insanity starts with the inevitable countdown.
'Oh shit! There's only three months to Christmas!'
Christmas starts in October or even September with shopping, or when you decide to pass off all the crap people sent you on e-Bay to others in the form of presents. You ask other people about it.
'Have you started your Christmas shopping?'
'Oh shit no, and it's already October.'
This is not normal behaviour, is it? You don't turn to someone in your life and say 'It's your birthday next month I better start shopping.'
You don't wake up on a Monday morning and say 'Oh shit! I've only got six days left to buy the meat for Sunday dinner."
And so it continues, and the Americans and Canadians even have a dress rehearsal for it in the form of Thanksgiving, mainly to see how much they can stuff themselves with so they know how much more food to buy for Christmas. The countdown goes on.. 44 days.. 40 days... and the back end of November it takes on a new intensity and more people start getting involved in the madness.
In December it gets serious.. Gleeful that they're finally selling all the crap they didn't manage to sell throughout the year, companies start selling new crap by adding pictures of reindeer and red breasted robins to the packaging. Mysterious new tins start appearing such as 'SPICY YAKS BOLLOCKS' and people look at them and say stuff like 'I think we might try them on Boxing Day.'
I have memories of receiving such crap in the form of presents in Christmases past. One example was a pen which wrote underwater. I can't imagine wanting to write anything under water other than 'HELP! I'm drowning.'
Let's face it, Christmas exists so people can screw things up for themselves and other people. We are told it helps the economy, but from much of what I see being palmed off at dollar stores and pound shops you're probably only helping hundreds of thousands of Chinese peasants sitting at home putting together tacky digital watches and equally tacky plastic children's toys.
I don't know whether they do it on purpose or to take the piss, but most kids dolls and action men made in China seem to all look severely constipated and as if they haven't had a decent dump in months.
But then to be fair people are also going out and buying as much food as they can carry home.
How many of you are going to be sitting there at home and saying at some point 'I'm completely stuffed and can't eat another thing'?
And how many of you will probably get up an hour and half later and make a sandwich?
And it isn't like you're stuffing yourselves with good food. No.. because being a Christian holiday you have to make yourselves suffer by eating all the unpalatable foods you can imagine.
Take turkey for instance. Let's face it, turkey is a big ugly bird which by rights should have been extinct, but survives because people force themselves to eat its dry, bland, tasteless meat.
I live in London. You can go down any High Street in London and you will find places where you can buy pizza, kebabs, chicken and burgers, or burgers, pasta, pizzas, chicken and kebabs, or even burgers, pizza, chicken and kebabs. You don't find anyone selling turkey anywhere. Burger King and MacDonalds don't offer turkey and KFC is probably so successful because it is Kentucky Fried Chicken and not Kentucky Fried Turkey.
On a Friday night when you're pissed you don't stagger into the local kebab shop and demand turkey, do you?
But this doesn't stop people buying turkey for all the major Christian holidays and forcing themselves to eat it. To make it palatble they serve it with gravy, cranberry sauce, stuffing, and even other meat which they would much rather prefer eating.
Oh and then there's Brussel sprouts. Let's face facts here. If you eat more than three Brussel sprouts you are going to fart. If you eat more than a dozen or so your farts are going to stink.
The truth is people only eat Brussel sprouts to increase the misery and suffering of their Christmas. They eat them because they really want to be there sat on the sofa, feeling bloated, flabby, sat among relatives they normally don't have much time for, watching movies that they've seen half a dozen times before and farting whenever a pet or kid gets close enough to blame.
Christmas pudding - possibly the only food certain to survive a nuclear war without becoming too radioactive - is specially designed to increase your suffering at Christmas. It's so you can miss half the movie you've seen ten times before through sitting on the bog.
Christmas pudding is designed to stretch your ringpiece and exercise your sphincter muscles making it easier for you to fart and let out all that gas from the sprouts. You're sitting there on the bog, convinced that by the time you're next standing there'll be a red ring on your arse, your eyes are watering, you're gripping the towel rail or washbasin for support, letting out an 'Eeeeeh!' between laboured breathing, as the last of the Christmas pudding exits your body in a turd that's unwilling to leave your backside.
When it finally does hit the water you've got pins and needles in one of your legs and like Disney's Bambi you're struggling to stand up because you can't feel the floor. This is invariably when you bunch up half a toilet roll in your hand you're disappointed with the brown spot and with all the grace of a three-legged dog chasing its tail you waste another two minutes prodding and poking for a much better skidmark.
Another example of food and drink popular at Christmas - because it's designed to make you suffer - is mulled wine.
Mulled wine is basically cheap plonk which you heat up and serve with spices and drink over Christmas.
Why?
Many people don't drink much wine throughout the year and those that do spend time and money on selecting the finest reds and whites, the cabernet sauvignons, the merlots, semi sweet white wines, Liebfraumilch, which is generally served chilled in a glass unaccompanied.
I bet none of you would go out and get a decent bottle of Californian red or German white wine, boil it up, and start adding cloves and cinnamon to it. So what is it with the mulled wine?
The answer? Because it's Christmas and you enjoy making yourself suffer.
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