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RE: I am submissive but I own a slave... - 11/23/2012 4:20:43 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: emmacarrie86

Rule... I am trying to help him find a job I have had him sign up to many different agencies in glasgow and send his cv out to jobs from job sites but whether he has actually done it or not isnt something i have any control over as he isnt actually with me. I cant physically force him to. Also some times ive said to him he should do these things he has said he will then when i ask if he has he ignores me til the next day then sends a huge long email appologizing about not doing it and listing off excuses about no motivation and that his life is just pointless...i really hpe the psychological department get in touch soon.


emma, you're a sweet girl and you genuinely want to help. But you're not. You're doing what is known as "enabling".

It is HIS responsibility to get a job. Not yours. If he wants to get one, he will. If he doesn't, he won't. You're expending time and energy worrying about his concerns.

If you were his Domme, you'd give him tasks, check whether he''d done them, and reward/punish him for doing them. But you're not a Domme. You specifically state that you cannot make him do things, and you;re accepting passive aggressive behavior and whining.

If you really want to try your hand at Domming, then the next time he pulls any crap on you, tell him that as a consequence of his behavior (specify it), he gets no contact from you for a week. Next time he does it, tell him the same thing but make it two weeks. And STICK TO IT. Eventually he'll be forced to choose between doing what you say and doing without contact for ever increasing amounts of time.

If you can't do that, you cannot control him.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to emmacarrie86)
Profile   Post #: 61
RE: I am submissive but I own a slave... - 11/23/2012 5:26:23 AM   
chatterbox24


Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven


quote:

ORIGINAL: emmacarrie86

Rule... I am trying to help him find a job I have had him sign up to many different agencies in glasgow and send his cv out to jobs from job sites but whether he has actually done it or not isnt something i have any control over as he isnt actually with me. I cant physically force him to. Also some times ive said to him he should do these things he has said he will then when i ask if he has he ignores me til the next day then sends a huge long email appologizing about not doing it and listing off excuses about no motivation and that his life is just pointless...i really hpe the psychological department get in touch soon.


emma, you're a sweet girl and you genuinely want to help. But you're not. You're doing what is known as "enabling".

It is HIS responsibility to get a job. Not yours. If he wants to get one, he will. If he doesn't, he won't. You're expending time and energy worrying about his concerns.

If you were his Domme, you'd give him tasks, check whether he''d done them, and reward/punish him for doing them. But you're not a Domme. You specifically state that you cannot make him do things, and you;re accepting passive aggressive behavior and whining.

If you really want to try your hand at Domming, then the next time he pulls any crap on you, tell him that as a consequence of his behavior (specify it), he gets no contact from you for a week. Next time he does it, tell him the same thing but make it two weeks. And STICK TO IT. Eventually he'll be forced to choose between doing what you say and doing without contact for ever increasing amounts of time.

If you can't do that, you cannot control him.


OH this this this! As I read through the posts, I thought the same thing. YOu believe you are helping, but you are enabling. He wants you to do all the work to straighten his life. He has no respect for himself, you can do all the work, but gauranteed, even if you got all these things done for him, unless he changes his attitude, your work you did for him, will slide right down the tubes, cause he will have to maintain. Your work is doomed. You want to save him? You can't. He can only save himself. As long as he is getting sympathy, he will play the victim role. Tell your friend the hard truths. You can listen and suggest, but I wouldnt sympathize to much. He will continue with the "woos me" and quite frankly take full advantage of you and it will delay him seeing he has to do it himself.

You sound like a very nice young lady to me, just wanting to help your friend. I think its very sweet, really. But to me the hard truth is your friend is a leech who will drain your power. Tell him to gain his own power, and quit pulling off of yours!
Will it hurt your friend? Oh most likely, but you will be actually be doing him a favor in the long run.

_____________________________

I am like a box of chocolates, you never know what variety you are going to get on any given day.

My crazy smells like jasmine, cloves and cat nip.

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 62
RE: I am submissive but I own a slave... - 11/23/2012 6:51:14 AM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		Emma , i can see myself as i once was in everything you post. You need to read a bit about co-dependency, absorb it and break away from it.

and from what i could tell, it may be that you have taken up the role of worrying about this man, enabling him to stop worrying about himself. He needs to take ownership of his life, and work on it himself.
The next time you talk to him and he complains about something, you need to look at him and say something along the lines of " that sounds awful, but i know that you can take care of it/find a solution/work it out. And keep repeating it when he comes back with worse scenerios. If you quit being the one who worries about his life, he will eventually have to be the worrier, and do something about it.

ps. i am not co-dependent any more - thank god - but i am as submissive - i just choose who to be submissive with, and have clear boundries in my life. I don't need/want to submit to anyone who walks into my life.


If this doesn't sound like you , please ignore..... part of my recovery from co-dependence was realising that i can't fix everyone.

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)
Profile   Post #: 63
RE: I am submissive but I own a slave... - 11/23/2012 6:58:12 AM   
Toysinbabeland


Posts: 1693
Joined: 3/4/2012
From: the other end of Cx's leash
Status: offline 		Emma, teach him to fish for himself

_____________________________

*Smitten fox* that's all you need.

(in reply to kiwisub12)
Profile   Post #: 64
RE: I am submissive but I own a slave... - 11/23/2012 8:29:10 AM   
chatterbox24


Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Toysinbabeland

Emma, teach him to fish for himself


What is better? To hand a constantly starving man a fish, or teach him to fish.
one is the solution, one is not.



_____________________________

I am like a box of chocolates, you never know what variety you are going to get on any given day.

My crazy smells like jasmine, cloves and cat nip.

(in reply to Toysinbabeland)
Profile   Post #: 65
RE: I am submissive but I own a slave... - 11/23/2012 8:54:39 AM   
Rule


Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline 		What is best for this man depends on his psychological profile. If he can fly, but cannot walk on the ground, it would be inadvisable to weigh him down and force him to learn to walk.

_____________________________

"I tend to pay attention when Rule speaks" - Aswad

"You are sweet, kind, and ever so smart, Rule. You ALWAYS stretch my mind and make me think further than I might have on my own" - Duskypearls

Si vis pacem, para bellum.

(in reply to chatterbox24)
Profile   Post #: 66
RE: I am submissive but I own a slave... - 11/23/2012 9:04:04 AM   
chatterbox24


Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rule

What is best for this man depends on his psychological profile. If he can fly, but cannot walk on the ground, it would be inadvisable to weigh him down and force him to learn to walk.


HUh? IM scratching my head, going DUH. lol having a little fun with that quote.
Can confusius plz interprete?
If someone is flying around and they cant walk, sounds like they are in for a rough landing. or to big for their britches.

_____________________________

I am like a box of chocolates, you never know what variety you are going to get on any given day.

My crazy smells like jasmine, cloves and cat nip.

(in reply to Rule)
Profile   Post #: 67
RE: I am submissive but I own a slave... - 11/23/2012 1:28:28 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Tell the kid to put his big boy britches on and get some therapy. You are not his therapist or mommy.


_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to chatterbox24)
Profile   Post #: 68
RE: I am submissive but I own a slave... - 11/24/2012 5:43:21 AM   
emmacarrie86


Posts: 41
Joined: 8/20/2012
Status: offline 		Thank you everyone for your help and advice :) I have not had a chance to talk to my Master about it properly yet as he is in the middle of a big move but once i have spoken to him i will let my friend down gently and tell him he has to cope himself before anyone else can be involved. I think it is all getting to me too much because yesterday i was not well at all went out with my friend t see twilight and nearly had to cancel the night then when i got home i fell straight asleep in my clothes curled up on the edge of my bed and im exhausted today so probably isnt best idea for me to take on his troubles as well as mine. I have enough to deal with being a mummy.

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 69
RE: I am submissive but I own a slave... - 11/24/2012 6:34:25 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		Good for you.

It's admirable wanting to help someone out but it won't do any good until he's ready to work at it himself.

Also, there's nothing wrong with taking care of yourself and your own first. You know how on an aeroplane they tell you if the oxygen masks come down, fit yours before helping other people? That's because if you pass out, you can't help yourself or anyone else. Same things apply in life. If you burn yourself out with this guy, you won't be able to help him or take care of you, your Master and your child. So feel good about your decision to take a step back.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to emmacarrie86)
Profile   Post #: 70
RE: I am submissive but I own a slave... - 11/24/2012 7:22:22 AM   
WomanlyWiles


Posts: 166
Joined: 3/14/2012
Status: offline 		I'm late to this, but this guy isn't exactly a catch, is he? I can't imagine any domme being interested in him.

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)
Profile   Post #: 71
RE: I am submissive but I own a slave... - 11/24/2012 10:00:16 AM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: emmacarrie86

Why are you wondering if I am not genuine? I am very genuine. I am a 26 year old parent/student from scotland with a genuine need to help other people and I need t know that everyone important in my life is happy. My parents were having a hard time a wee while ago money wise and even though im skint myself i offered them half my money because my dad was stressed to the point of ending up hospitalised. I just want people to be happy. I am constantly walked over by friends. yet i just keep trying to help everyone. Words escape me most of my life so maybe i didnt phrase this post the best way I could but i am 100% genuine, I am me and I have my own mind and my own personality it just happens to be one that likes to help others.

Ok then let's clarify this way...YOUR "FRIEND" IS USiNG YOU!!! Clear enough?
Recapping:
-hes lazy
-unmotivated
-has no reliable employment
-did I mention lazy?...enough that YOU are seeking his mates
-shows no signs of self preservation
-is 2000 miles from you
-your own master doesn't want the bother of him
-"human toilet is how he sees himself"
-self sabatoging
-whiney about his situation

Is the pattern becoming more clear? NOTHING on that list is appealing or desirable about any trait listed above unless you're a psychiatrist looking for new patients.

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to emmacarrie86)
Profile   Post #: 72
RE: I am submissive but I own a slave... - 11/24/2012 10:06:50 AM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: emmacarrie86

frazzle: I dont want to let him down even if he isnt helping himself :(

You aren't letting him down, you are freeing yourself of a dead weight that would drown & distract you from your own evolution & submission TO YOUR MASTER for their own self-distructive end.
Or do you not notice that you've submitted to every whine on his list from dominating him, calling him slave & seeking his partners for him? I'd personally be VERY angry a sub of mine had been turned into a pimp/slave for an emotionally unstable wanker on another continent!!

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to emmacarrie86)
Profile   Post #: 73
RE: I am submissive but I own a slave... - 11/24/2012 10:17:11 AM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: emmacarrie86

frazzle: I dont want to let him down even if he isnt helping himself :(


You cant help someone who wont help themselves. Thats not helping, thats enabling.


_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to emmacarrie86)
Profile   Post #: 74
RE: I am submissive but I own a slave... - 11/29/2012 2:26:39 AM   
Rastimmipitwax


Posts: 69
Joined: 6/25/2007
Status: offline 		ok, this little shit squawks, you jump; yet you are supposed to be "Domming" him, which you patently can't do as you are sub. What he is doing is referred to as "topping from the bottom". Pretty soon you will be more or less the equivalent of his sub. You are basically serving two Masters. Time to make a choice about which of them you wish to serve, and get completely rid of the other.

Edit: just to drive my point home: If I were your Master, I'd be forcing the issue by telling you outright to get this other guy out of your life. I understand your Master is new at this, perhaps not quite 100% confident enough to make this move and possibly afraid of losing you if he were to do so. So make the responsible decision now for the health of your relationship, because this other guy is sabotaging it.


< Message edited by Rastimmipitwax -- 11/29/2012 2:31:19 AM >

(in reply to tazzygirl)
Profile   Post #: 75
RE: I am submissive but I own a slave... - 11/29/2012 6:57:03 AM   
MAINEiacMISTRESS


Posts: 1180
Joined: 9/12/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven


quote:

ORIGINAL: emmacarrie86

Rule... I am trying to help him find a job I have had him sign up to many different agencies in glasgow and send his cv out to jobs from job sites but whether he has actually done it or not isnt something i have any control over as he isnt actually with me. I cant physically force him to. Also some times ive said to him he should do these things he has said he will then when i ask if he has he ignores me til the next day then sends a huge long email appologizing about not doing it and listing off excuses about no motivation and that his life is just pointless...i really hpe the psychological department get in touch soon.


emma, you're a sweet girl and you genuinely want to help. But you're not. You're doing what is known as "enabling".

It is HIS responsibility to get a job. Not yours. If he wants to get one, he will. If he doesn't, he won't. You're expending time and energy worrying about his concerns.

If you were his Domme, you'd give him tasks, check whether he''d done them, and reward/punish him for doing them. But you're not a Domme. You specifically state that you cannot make him do things, and you;re accepting passive aggressive behavior and whining.

If you really want to try your hand at Domming, then the next time he pulls any crap on you, tell him that as a consequence of his behavior (specify it), he gets no contact from you for a week. Next time he does it, tell him the same thing but make it two weeks. And STICK TO IT. Eventually he'll be forced to choose between doing what you say and doing without contact for ever increasing amounts of time.

If you can't do that, you cannot control him.


This is DEAD ON. The secret to handling someone like this who "needs help": TASKS (WITH DEADLINES, I usually am VERY specific about time limits), and most importantly each Task has a particular Punishment for failure as well. Denying him contact with you as Steven suggested does work, if he's that needy (firmly, you may even announce you will BLOCK him for a designated amount of time to prevent him from whining at you). It sounds to me like he is just a moocher and may even be an EMO, I've had a few of those and there is almost NO helping that type (their fetish is MISERY and they will drag you down into their darkness like a black hole).

My personal advice, if you care about your relationship with your own Dominant, your FIRST thing should have been to discuss this with HIM. Does he want you this distracted by a third person? He may decide contact with this person is detrimental to you and want you to cease contact. Communicating with your Dom should be the most important thing on your mind right now.

--MM

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 76
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