Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

Protocol for approaching Dominants


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> Protocol for approaching Dominants Page: [1] 2 3   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Protocol for approaching Dominants - 11/26/2012 6:58:56 PM   
Lilly425


Posts: 19
Joined: 11/3/2012
Status: offline 		I’d like to ask a question in regard to protocol among Dominants and Submissives. I recall reading somewhere that it was proper protocol for Dominants to approach Submissives and not the other way around. Is this a truth? And if so, does it only apply to real-time scenarios such as clubs or play parties?

Is there a proper protocol for on-line? I am hesitant to approach a Dominant for the following reason. If I approach a Dominant and then later determine we aren’t compatible for whatever reason, I fear that he would be angry with me for initiating something I didn’t follow through on or for wasting his time. I’m interested in meeting someone yet I’m also frustrated with being the initiator as I’ve done (unsuccessfully) in the past. But if I misunderstand protocol and the Dominants are waiting for me to approach them, well then I obviously need to change my mindset and approach!

My “normal” daytime persona is that of a strong, independent, ambitious woman and I think nearly everyone who knows me would be surprised to learn that I am sexually submissive. As such, I tend to attract men who are looking for a woman to take care of them. Are there changes I should make in my behavior that may result in attracting more Dominant men?

Thanks in advance for any feedback.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Protocol for approaching Dominants - 11/26/2012 7:06:55 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		There is no protocol. There is no right or wrong. Anyone can approach anyone.

How did you meet people before you "discovered" bdsm???

There's nothing different.




_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to Lilly425)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Protocol for approaching Dominants - 11/26/2012 7:07:10 PM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline 		Until you are in a D/s relationship, the protocol is whatever you want it to be, just like in your daytime persona.
In the event you find someone and establish a relationship, then you can follow whatever protocol he expects from you, if any.
And in the event that things don't work out, I hardly think they would accuse you of leading them on because you made the first move.
Compatibility isn't a guarantee here anymore than it is in the vanilla dating scene.

_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to Lilly425)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Protocol for approaching Dominants - 11/26/2012 7:07:38 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline 		Here its pretty much either can approach just be polite. Its online so no don't get wrapped up in tasks,naked skype verifications or deep protocols with someone you've never met in real life. Don't give out address, real traceable phone numbers (skype or VOIP are safe), or credit card info.
Get to know them like any other man! If they aren't for you, they aren't for you...block & delete are your friend if they can't take no like gentlemen.

Getting out to a public munch (cocktail party) is an easier way to kick tires & find someone you can see up close.

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to Lilly425)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Protocol for approaching Dominants - 11/26/2012 7:30:49 PM   
muhly22222


Posts: 463
Joined: 3/25/2010
Status: offline 		Don't think of it in terms of "submissive" or "dominant." Think in terms of people. There's nothing stopping one person from approaching another person. If one of those people is angry when it eventually becomes apparent that the relationship wouldn't work, it just makes it easier for the other one to leave with no regrets.

If you find yourself attracted to a guy on the basis of his profile, there's no problem in messaging him. In fact, I can say with some certainty that most of the men on CM love to receive messages, so you'll find yourself welcomed with open arms. If it doesn't work out, then so be it.

As for how to attract men who are more dominant, that I don't know, outside of just getting to know them better.

(in reply to theRose4U)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Protocol for approaching Dominants - 11/26/2012 7:31:39 PM   
Lilly425


Posts: 19
Joined: 11/3/2012
Status: offline 		Thank you to each of you for your response. I forgot to mention that there doesn't appear to be any type of community (munches, etc.) locally which makes it even more difficult. Sounds like I may just need to summon the courage to approach some interesting people on my own. I understand the need to be cautious and consider safety throughout all of this. Thanks again!

(in reply to theRose4U)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Protocol for approaching Dominants - 11/26/2012 7:39:05 PM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline 		Lilly, there are several people from Michigan here on the boards, and from what I can recall of their posts,
they often mentioned a pretty active community. If you haven't already, I'd suggest joining Fetlife,
and searching there for groups that are local to you.

_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to Lilly425)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Protocol for approaching Dominants - 11/26/2012 8:11:11 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Just in case some nitwit tells you advice on CM isnt from "serious" people, there are nationally know presenters here who will tell you the same thing, there is no right way. Hell for me, I barely bother hitting up women cause it only seems to go somewhere when they contact me, so if someone is waiting for me its likely to be a long wait.

There are a few polite things that will go over well.

When you approach someone with a partner, include them on the conversation, or make mention of them. If I contact someone with a partner, I always drop a "you two" or some such in there. Nothing cheesier than someine coming up at a party and trying to monopolize your partner.

However, the vanilla social skills are fine.

Here is why this is true. It requires your permission before I can require you to obey my protocol.

(in reply to poise)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Protocol for approaching Dominants - 11/26/2012 8:27:43 PM   
SeekingTrinity


Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline 		You cant really go wrong with approaching someone in a friendly manner. They are a human being, you are a human being...keep it simple. I actually prefer someone to approach me in a friendly way. When they start going all kink-heavy right from the start, it totally turns me off and actually kind of annoys me. Just be yourself and try not to worry so much about someone else's perceptions might be. If you find someone's profile and it speaks to you in some meaningful way, there is no harm and no foul in sending them a message saying hello. If they get bent out of shape because you do, fuck 'em. Many of us out here are people just like you are

Online is a frustrating way of trying to meet someone, but its sometimes the best that some of us have available to us. Unfortunately this particular site has its share of frustrations in the getting to know people department, but there are good outcomes that can happen as well. I met my male partner from here and its been something that has paid off really well so far. Im the type who doesnt approach others. Just my own personal way of doing things.

(in reply to Lilly425)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Protocol for approaching Dominants - 11/26/2012 9:15:22 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline 		Granted, I'm not "looking". But even if I was I can't imagine why it'd be a waste of my time for a submissive to open up a conversation. It seems like any reasonably sane human being knows that most of such conversations will not go to "happily ever after". I should think I'd interpret a submissive who approached ME as a pleasant surprise. If it later turned out we weren't compatible I might still have found a new friend. How is any of this a waste unless my only purpose here is to get laid?

< Message edited by JeffBC -- 11/26/2012 9:18:48 PM >

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to muhly22222)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Protocol for approaching Dominants - 11/26/2012 10:21:29 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Define "approach". If you make a pass at me, you might get rebuffed. (Or you might not.) If you ask for a play session, same. If you start up a conversation, you'll be accepted.

Also, you're worried about later discovering incompatibility. If it's only at the friendship level, is that an issue?

I get the feeling that you think that a casual interest in conversation would be construed as sexual/relationship interest. Nope. If I talk with a woman, a relationship isn't off the table, but it's not a given.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Protocol for approaching Dominants - 11/27/2012 4:07:25 AM   
Silentrunner26


Posts: 424
Joined: 7/15/2009
Status: offline 		This is just me . I was on Fet Life when I saw a poem a sub wrote . I liked it and in remarks added what I thought was a extra lin for the end . To put this in a short way she saw it and loved what I said and sent me a message .
We have talked everyday since and are moving in together in a few months . There are still things that need to be worked out but for the most part yes she found me and I am so glad she did . Don't hold back go for it ! If he get mad walk away .
You never kno till you try .

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Protocol for approaching Dominants - 11/27/2012 5:15:11 AM   
Lilly425


Posts: 19
Joined: 11/3/2012
Status: offline 		This has been very helpful. Thank you everyone. I have this same "challenge" contacting people on vanilla dating sites as well. Shy, fear of ridicule, fear of rejection, whatever, but I realize I need to get over it. As many of you have suggested, I would be contacting them based on an interesting profile, something they've said in a message board, etc., and not "hey baby, can I suck you?". I've seen many of you reply to other posts, etc., and are obviously knowledge and experienced so I'm glad that I was able to "attract" the right people to respond here. :)

The larger cities in Michigan have several groups I am reaching out to. I am in a small town but some of those places are within 1-2 hour drive which would be reasonable.

(in reply to Silentrunner26)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Protocol for approaching Dominants - 11/27/2012 5:28:20 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		If it helps you at all, OK Cupid published some statistics that showed most women only got responses to 35% of the emails they sent to other users, men even less. The point I'm making is online rejection is not something to be afraid of, and if you do get rejected, it's not personal. It will happen more often than not, even if you are totally awesome in every way.

Worst thing that can happen if you message someone is you will get a rude reply from someone you'll probably never meet in person. Best thing is that you find your perfect partner. If you don't contact them, the only outcome is that nothing happens. Sounds worth the gamble, don't you think?

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to Lilly425)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Protocol for approaching Dominants - 11/27/2012 9:29:51 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders
Worst thing that can happen if you message someone is you will get a rude reply

compared and contrasted to... Worst thing that can happen if you don't message someone is that you piss away "happily ever after" because you were too afraid to say "Hello" to the guy that actually WAS "Mr. Right".

I personally consider losing a lifetime of happiness as fairly bad.


_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Protocol for approaching Dominants - 11/27/2012 10:54:29 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC


I personally consider losing a lifetime of happiness as fairly bad.



It's these passionate emotional outbursts of yours that keep me hooked, Jeff.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Protocol for approaching Dominants - 11/27/2012 2:52:49 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

If it helps you at all, OK Cupid published some statistics that showed most women only got responses to 35% of the emails they sent to other users, men even less. The point I'm making is online rejection is not something to be afraid of, and if you do get rejected, it's not personal. It will happen more often than not, even if you are totally awesome in every way.

Worst thing that can happen if you message someone is you will get a rude reply from someone you'll probably never meet in person. Best thing is that you find your perfect partner. If you don't contact them, the only outcome is that nothing happens. Sounds worth the gamble, don't you think?


I have a much higher response rate on OKC than 35%, but then, I send very few messages and am very discriminating. Usually when I don't hear back it turns out they haven't been back on since I messaged them. I keep it short and sweet on OKC - the last message I sent was "Hello from a fellow foodie" to someone training to be a chef.

_____________________________

Curious about the "Sluts Vote" avatars? See http://www.collarchat.com/m_4133036/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#4133036

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Protocol for approaching Dominants - 11/27/2012 6:11:46 PM   
SeekingLTR40


Posts: 12
Joined: 11/9/2012
Status: offline
quote:

I recall reading somewhere that it was proper protocol for Dominants to approach Submissives and not the other way around. Is this a truth?


If you are seeking to meet a Dominant who is a complement to yourself, and what you need from a relationship; there is no on-line protocol as to not being allowed to initiate contact. The only advice I would offer you is to say what about him caught your attention, and provide a little bit more feedback than: "I like your profile" or "I think you're handsome."

If you get reprimanded for "daring" to initiate contact ~ don't walk away..... run! And hit that block button on your way out. The same thing goes for any dumbinant who gets angry or upset that you determine that the two of you are not a good match. Don't hesitate to block their sorry behinds as well..... I'll say this, if that's how they react; then they only prove your instincts to have been correct. It's a sure sign of insecurity and/or narcissism. Not everyone is a match ~ even if they seem to be seeking very similar relationships.

Too many people seek out D/s and M/s relationships because they think they're "easier" than regular relationships. Those people have never been in such a relationship, and most likely are going to expect the other person to put forth all of the work and effort into making the relationship successful ~ in other words, every relationship they attempt is going to fail miserably.

Seek to get to know one another as human beings first. If you click on that level, then seek to see if you're compatible for forging a relationship with them.

As for protocol at public forums and play parties ~ well each community has their own expectations. If you don't seem to fit in naturally with a particular community, then it's probably best to not become a part of it. I've never been a part of any community in which it was inapropriate for submissives to engage in communication. However, beware of communities in which other "dominants" or "Masters" seem to interact inappropriately with submissives and slaves who are in relationships with other Dominants or Masters. A total lack of respect between members of a community, is a very telling sign that there are a lot of issues festering within the community. Drama usually takes center stage.

(in reply to Lilly425)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Protocol for approaching Dominants - 11/27/2012 6:20:54 PM   
amaidiamond


Posts: 1793
Joined: 2/6/2006
From: Watford / London
Status: offline 		I met my now Dominant on here.

I stumbled across his profile when i was not seeking a relationship.. we started mailing back and forth and chatting on yahoo and got on great... he came to meet me a few weeks later and we got on great.. we were friends over two years.

Eventually I realised there was a lot more there and had a chat and things kinda clicked... now we have been together just over a year as first playmates then full time M/s

i approached him as a human primarily :)



_____________________________

Lead me not into temptation... I can find the way all by myself!

(in reply to SeekingLTR40)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Protocol for approaching Dominants - 11/27/2012 6:33:21 PM   
BambiBoi


Posts: 461
Joined: 8/10/2010
Status: offline 		I tend to assume all women are taken at events. I would rather let one or two "get away" than look like the sort who is hitting on other's subs. So its refreshing when I get a clear indications of availability or interest. Even if the interest is just to be friends. I'm going to err on the side of being cold rather than be inappropriate.

_____________________________

<3

(in reply to amaidiamond)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2 3   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> Protocol for approaching Dominants Page: [1] 2 3   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094