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RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/7/2012 1:43:40 AM   
DonGiovani


Posts: 129
Joined: 8/28/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Baroana

Just some general life advice here. Your decision making [skills] are f'd up.


^^^^
This. This... a thousand times, this.


Seriously.. pull your head out and start using it. And if the advice from this forum, (excellent as it is), doesn't sway you, seek more professional help. The advice will be the same, and your purse will be slightly lighter.

(Although I have the sneaking suspicion that somewhere in the next OP posting will be the phrase ..."but I love him...".)

(in reply to Baroana)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/7/2012 2:05:45 AM   
freedomdwarf1


Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline 		I wish I had some suggestions - but I don't.

I have to agree with everyone else who has made the same suggestion...
Get the fuck out of there whilst it is easy.
Do yourself a favout - get yourself a life and a decent partner - not someone stuck in jail and more than likely going to do something to go back there.

As someone said - it's easier to do it today than tomorrow.

(in reply to DonGiovani)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/7/2012 5:18:56 AM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ItalianBella

He will be released in 4 more years if he is made to serve out. And I understand all the responses but my time invested keeps me from simply walking away. I know the cons in this list... there are far more cons then pros and I know odds are against me on so many levels but If I walk away I dont want it to be simply because he is not here.



Not leaving something because you have time invested in it is like saying everything we've ever done in life should be permanent parts of our life because we expended time on it. So the old hairstyles, and poly gym suits should live on, and our yards should be filled with broken down cars. Old childhood acquaintances should take up our time instead of having us spend it on people that are more meaningful to us. That's fucked up to think like that. Sometimes things change and so should we. It's called learning and moving on. When people don't do that they die emotionally.

Why do you need some other reason to leave other than the fact that he's not there? Is there a rule somewhere that says you need something loftier? If it's your principles that refuse to leave because he is absent, then they need re-assessing because they aren't standing for anything anymore.

You are the only person in the end who takes care of you - you need to do a better job of that and stop accepting a substandard life. He's not the only one incarcerated is he? You've been too. Why would you do that to yourself?

(in reply to ItalianBella)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/7/2012 7:34:27 AM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DonGiovani
(Although I have the sneaking suspicion that somewhere in the next OP posting will be the phrase ..."but I love him...".)

Wouldn't be the first time or last that phrase gets men & women to make stupid choices. I would also counter this phrase will be the first thing thrown at her when she tries to leave ..."But if you weely woved me you'd continue to waste your life waiting for me" & VERY likely "YOU are dooming me to full term because now I have no hope with public defender"...not his actions, but her fault because she's done with this crippling crap. Seriously OP RUN don't walk to another life, jail will make service of divorce for disertion quick & easy to get.

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to DonGiovani)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/7/2012 7:36:12 AM   
masmiss


Posts: 494
Joined: 2/16/2009
From: New Jersey
Status: offline 		Sweetie. Honey. Darling. You are only 34 years old. So what if you walk away leaving the 7 years you invested behind? The guy is a criminal loser.

Look in the mirror. Say to yourself "I deserve so much better". Do that several times a day until you believe it.

In the meantime, get some professional help to find out why you have so little self-worth.

Best of luck to you.

_____________________________

I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

-William Ernest Henley

(in reply to ItalianBella)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/7/2012 7:40:29 AM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline 		^^^^^^--------^^^^^
THIS THIS THIS!!!! Some of the great men in my life were from KY, not one of them lives in a jail there! You didn't sign up for prison, you have the option of a life & are wasting it

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to masmiss)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/7/2012 7:47:37 AM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline
quote:

I have been in this relationship for 10 years, He has been incarcerated for seven years


You were with him for 3. For the past 7, you have been alone. There is no relationship.

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to ItalianBella)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/7/2012 8:10:58 AM   
noellesdestiny


Posts: 94
Joined: 9/3/2012
Status: offline 		This relationship will go nowhere.....

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/7/2012 11:45:47 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Suggestion: Spend your next year in therapy and see if there's anything worth waiting for. Learn how to make healthy choices and deserve a healthy partner. Or stay with a guy who will certainly beat the crap out of you once he's out and probably will abuse his children as well. Your choice.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to noellesdestiny)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/7/2012 1:22:49 PM   
areallivehuman


Posts: 277
Joined: 1/16/2010
Status: offline 		Start by examining the reasons you make self-destructive decisions. Tomorrow, start living your life for you. Make a daily effort to improve yourself.
I understand your waiting until he's free, you want to keep your promise. Admirable. So you are alone and celibate for the next 1-4. Use this time to learn and grow. Shake up your life. Take a class, further your education, change your diet, quit smoking, make positive changes. Therapy, maybe.
When he gets out, confront him, challenge him to live up to your sacrifice. If he doesn't, walk.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/7/2012 2:19:50 PM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: noellesdestiny

This relationship will go nowhere.....

Not true-it goes to visiting day

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to noellesdestiny)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/7/2012 6:10:42 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ItalianBella

I have been in this relationship for 10 years, He has been incarcerated for seven years I need help keeping my head straight. The dynamics are weak, I have become so bogged down with everyday pressures. I need suggestions to bring O/our relationship back to health.


Of course the health of your relationship is iffy right now.
Having a relationship with a convicted felon (just a guess that it is not a misdemeanor), itself is very difficult.
Skipping the dynamic for now, how are you defining a "healthy relationship"?
That is not a rhetorical question.
Was your relationship healthy to begin with?

Have you dealt with the fact that his poor choice had put you in this position of being alone without him?
In addition to whatever wrong he committed against society (and himself), this is also something he did, to you, to your relationship.

Has your husband found his remorse and repentance?
(btw: You will know if release is something they are considering; likely they would be moving him to work release soon.)

Please tell me you have a counselor... .

From reading your profile, it is pretty clear that you have a type in mind
How much of that is preference and how much of that is based upon what you think you deserve?

You can be with a perfectly sadistic partner who is a well adjusted member of society.

Basically, you need to be in a healthy relationship with yourself, before you can re-connect in a healthy way with him and he needs to be capable of being in a healthy relationship.
If he isn't capable then no amount of wishing will make it so; it is not enough that the "rocks in his head fit the holes in yours".

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to ItalianBella)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/8/2012 1:44:56 AM   
CharmingKitty


Posts: 103
Joined: 6/2/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ItalianBella
... there are far more cons then pros and I know odds are against me on so many levels but If I walk away I dont want it to be simply because he is not here.

Um, it's not "simply" because he is not there. It is because there are far more cons than pros and you know the odds are against you on so many levels.

< Message edited by CharmingKitty -- 12/8/2012 1:47:39 AM >

(in reply to ItalianBella)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/8/2012 2:49:53 AM   
RaspberryLemon


Posts: 422
Joined: 7/18/2011
Status: offline 		While I do think that the point that has been made by others stating that it was irresponsible and a bad leadership decision to end himself incarcerated is very valid (that is certainly something I think OP should think about quite hard,) all of the comments claiming that he is a scumbag/loser, physically abusive (or will become so,) or that he will become a repeat offender and land himself back in prison...I think that is a little too presumptuous and almost out of line considering how little we know about him, her, and the situation.

We don't know the whole story. We don't know what he did, why he did it, and what the circumstances are. I for one would want to know more before passing judgment on someone when all I know is that they are in prison for 12+ years. Conviction of innocents is not unheard of, nor are good people that make a mistake and learn their lesson. Without knowing more, I cannot say whether or not I think OP should leave.

OP, I could certainly get a better idea of what I think should happen if I had more information, but honestly I think that the best advice I can give here is to put yourself through a lot of introspection. You need to decide if this waiting and how it taxes your relationship is worth it. You need to decide whether or not what your husband did is something you can forgive. And you need to know how much your husband is willing to work towards cleaning up his act and making up for his absence. Make an informed decision. Staying for so long is already very faithful and admirable, but you also need to think of what's best for you. I think that the best advice given is this:
quote:

ORIGINAL: areallivehuman
Start by examining the reasons you make self-destructive decisions. Tomorrow, start living your life for you. Make a daily effort to improve yourself.
I understand your waiting until he's free, you want to keep your promise. Admirable. So you are alone and celibate for the next 1-4. Use this time to learn and grow. Shake up your life. Take a class, further your education, change your diet, quit smoking, make positive changes. Therapy, maybe.
When he gets out, confront him, challenge him to live up to your sacrifice. If he doesn't, walk.


(in reply to ItalianBella)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/8/2012 2:50:49 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Loyalty is an admirable trait. Foolishness is not.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to CharmingKitty)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/8/2012 3:19:26 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RaspberryLemon

While I do think that the point that has been made by others stating that it was irresponsible and a bad leadership decision to end himself incarcerated is very valid (that is certainly something I think OP should think about quite hard,) all of the comments claiming that he is a scumbag/loser, physically abusive (or will become so,) or that he will become a repeat offender and land himself back in prison...I think that is a little too presumptuous and almost out of line considering how little we know about him, her, and the situation.

We don't know the whole story. We don't know what he did, why he did it, and what the circumstances are. I for one would want to know more before passing judgment on someone when all I know is that they are in prison for 12+ years. Conviction of innocents is not unheard of, nor are good people that make a mistake and learn their lesson. Without knowing more, I cannot say whether or not I think OP should leave.

OP, I could certainly get a better idea of what I think should happen if I had more information, but honestly I think that the best advice I can give here is to put yourself through a lot of introspection. You need to decide if this waiting and how it taxes your relationship is worth it. You need to decide whether or not what your husband did is something you can forgive. And you need to know how much your husband is willing to work towards cleaning up his act and making up for his absence. Make an informed decision. Staying for so long is already very faithful and admirable, but you also need to think of what's best for you. I think that the best advice given is this:
quote:

ORIGINAL: areallivehuman
Start by examining the reasons you make self-destructive decisions. Tomorrow, start living your life for you. Make a daily effort to improve yourself.
I understand your waiting until he's free, you want to keep your promise. Admirable. So you are alone and celibate for the next 1-4. Use this time to learn and grow. Shake up your life. Take a class, further your education, change your diet, quit smoking, make positive changes. Therapy, maybe.
When he gets out, confront him, challenge him to live up to your sacrifice. If he doesn't, walk.





Agreed.

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to RaspberryLemon)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/8/2012 7:16:05 AM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline 		Raspberry just out of curiosity how exactly does one "make up" for leaving a partner alone for 12 years to support themselves & a spouse that provides no mental, physical or financial support for that entire time...not even going to ask when the last time OP got laid was? If she's like others I have known with inmate spouses she gets to pay all of her bills as well as his "cantine money" & legal expenses in the 10's of thousands of dollars...BY HERSELF.
How exactly does one "make up" for that?

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to GreedyTop)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/8/2012 8:06:02 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ItalianBella

I have been in this relationship for 10 years, He has been incarcerated for seven years I need help keeping my head straight. The dynamics are weak, I have become so bogged down with everyday pressures. I need suggestions to bring O/our relationship back to health.


hoo boy.

Walk away. Seriously. It ain't gonna work. How long is he in prison for?

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to ItalianBella)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/8/2012 8:12:27 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ItalianBella

He will be released in 4 more years if he is made to serve out. And I understand all the responses but my time invested keeps me from simply walking away. I know the cons in this list... there are far more cons then pros and I know odds are against me on so many levels but If I walk away I dont want it to be simply because he is not here.


If you walk away from what?

This might be news to you, but HE WALKED AWAY 7+ YEARS AGO.

The 'friends' on your profile only underline your hideous decision making skills when it comes to men. You are telling us your husband is a felon and all of your friends look like they could be his cell mates.

God help your children.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to ItalianBella)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/8/2012 8:46:31 AM   
PANKRATIO


Posts: 13
Joined: 1/30/2005
Status: offline 		Soie sage, Tigresse.

Your extrapolation of OP's quality of friends based on how they look veers dangerously close to revealing a prejudice, and swerves rather out of the territory of impartial advice.

I work in regular contact with those who have for some reason or other marginalized themselves. Prisoners, drug addicts, etc. If there is a particular attitude I've found to be most harmful to them becoming productive members of society again, it would be a toss up between cynicism and pessimism. There are hopeless cases, of course, and others who will never make it all the way back to the straight and narrow path, but I can live with that. The odds are against it, yet, but they aren't astronomical. Can the OP live with that?

Cynicism was pretty new stuff about 2500 years ago. It may have run its course.

Pan

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 40
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