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RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/9/2012 7:58:44 AM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

I *am* a person who made a stupid mistake.

Raises hand-me too.
And I served time for it
Of course, had I been dropped for a ten year bit, I wouldn't have asked, or let her, stay. It's just not fair to her and would make me feel like a selfish shit.
But hey, that's just me.

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to GreedyTop)
Profile   Post #: 61
RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/9/2012 8:42:08 AM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline 		US military is a good example of how it is possible to be supportive, loving and provide a support network when far away. Gifts, letters, cards, email, skype all allow contact when 5000 miles away. The biggest difference with this is a living thing like a long distance relationship requires constant feeding. Any military guy not calling home, or coming back on leave would find himself in this same situation...pending divorce!

My point is this isn't just a prison thing, its a failure to provide the necessary affection & support to the lone partner. She feels alone, used, put upon without a resolution in sight. Basic care & feeding of a sub 101 stuff. Bless her heart that she actually has the energy to feel guilty about self preservation. Those that said dominance ended when he entered prison or committed his crime are half right...trust was broken but care & feeding COULD have continued. I think this is the main reason she stuck around this long...this guy has a line of BS that could turn the sahara into a golf coarse! But I also think his prison enterprises, & new uhem "outlets" make her less & less of a necessity except when he needs money...and we all know what the board opinions on Fin Doms are.

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Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 62
RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/9/2012 10:26:56 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt


Nothing less is acceptable, unless you are a person willing and able to live a life of fear and struggle and remorse and hopelessness due to your partner's inability to live within the confines of our society.


Unfortunately, all that doesn't go away even if he does walk the straight and narrow. It will effect his ability to find a place to live, it will effect his ability to find a job, it will effect how the police treat him during a routine traffic stop, it will effect how the parents of his children's friends treat him, etc, etc....



_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 63
RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/9/2012 5:52:21 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		absolutely true Oside. It doesn't magically get all better after he gets out. He has a loooong hard road ahead of him and she has an even longer one if she decides to stay.

As Master said, he was incarcerated once before I ever met him. Had he told me though that he had spent ten years in prison on a serious felony charge it's highly doubtful I would have stuck around. I've already been down that road with others. I would not want to always be wondering when the next shoe was gonna drop. Would he be coming home tonight? Would he be in jail again? Is the police gonna come and knock on my door? How would we pay the bills, etc.....I don't have that kind of stamina anymore.

But from what I gather from the op's profile, she seems to be attracted to these gangsta type and until she learns that they are not healthy for her, she will continue to go down this road be it with the one she is with now or others she finds.


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Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

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Profile   Post #: 64
RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/9/2012 6:01:27 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

absolutely true Oside. It doesn't magically get all better after he gets out. He has a loooong hard road ahead of him and she has an even longer one if she decides to stay.

As Master said, he was incarcerated once before I ever met him. Had he told me though that he had spent ten years in prison on a serious felony charge it's highly doubtful I would have stuck around. I've already been down that road with others. I would not want to always be wondering when the next shoe was gonna drop. Would he be coming home tonight? Would he be in jail again? Is the police gonna come and knock on my door? How would we pay the bills, etc.....I don't have that kind of stamina anymore.

But from what I gather from the op's profile, she seems to be attracted to these gangsta type and until she learns that they are not healthy for her, she will continue to go down this road be it with the one she is with now or others she finds.



Exactly. We're still paying for what Master did....30 years later. I made an informed decision that he was worth the issues that we would run into. But, he had also been walking the straight and narrow for a long time at that point and had proven that he was worth trusting and investing my time into.

Until, you've been an SO of someone that has managed to walk the walk.....you have no idea what it entails.






_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 65
RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/18/2012 10:05:21 PM   
ItalianBella


Posts: 12
Joined: 4/14/2007
Status: offline 		The long and hard road I do not fear. I can handle a struggle its the lonliness that eats me alive. And for those who think Im just a woman inlove with thugs, I have no set in stone type. I enjoy Dominant Men, there are different culture and styles in Men. I understand He made bad choices and I could leave and he would have to face the fact that he himself is at fault for that but him being him he would find fault in me for it. He does give me 100 % of his time, by letter after letter, I do admire him for that he does care about my well being, even though he is somewhat selfish in the way this all played out. I am the one losing my energy for the communication and maintenance that a long distance calls for. Forget he is in prison for a moment, I wanted help to rekindle myself inside. Can you really rebuild the intensity without the physicality? I know the best thing for me as an individual was probably to leave and simply remain his friend but my heart wouldnt allow me to, I was torn all to hell over all of this. Is the odds against me, hell yes they are and I have never been in denial about that. I have decisions to make and life to live, I have somewhat forgotton what I even enjoy out of life, work and home, but in this day of age that is the norm for most.
Thanks for all the time in commenting
He was not wrongfully convicted, not many are, his mistakes were very stupid but if I had went off the deep end I would hope someone would be there for me, and as much as I love him I had to be that one. Does this mean it will be life long, maybe not but for the last ten years I have put my all in simply showing my love and loyalty and concern. Yes loyalty and stupididty is a thin line and sometimes I slip into both, but when emotions are involved I guess we all do from time to time.
I am not an uneducated woman, I am not so simple to think there is a rainbow at the end of this storm. But for now it is what it is.

Thanks to everyone that took the time to respond.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 66
RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/18/2012 10:47:47 PM   
brattybabybunny


Posts: 2
Joined: 12/3/2012
Status: offline 		ItalianBella,

It is very true that only YOU know his value in your life, and only HE knows your value in his, and if you are lucky, you can share and expend that value between each other. I believe, however, that is what you are TRULY asking here how to do. How to maintain your connection and bond without having each other beside one another. Have you asked his permission to go out and find a big body pillow to keep at your side at night that when you hug the pillow it will be "him" and for him to acknowledge you do this? Things like that are what keep a connection strong, if you choose a time of day to hum a song, hum it together at the same time. If you wear a wedding band, turn it on your finger, and tell him in your letters back to him to turn his fingers in the same motion around his finger where the ring would and will be again when he gets out. Send him your vows, or re-write them together for the next chapter in your marriage. If you visit him, or are allowed full contact visits well, that helps even moreso. Just use your lust for him, and let him know it exists. Let him be selfish in the want of you, and let him know you want of him as well. In asking how to rekindle yo have proven you understand what he has done, accept what is done is done, and also declare you love him and want to make it work. No one but you can change your mind on that, except maybe him and his actions going forward. Utilize his craving of you, utilize his Dominance. Allow him and his power in your life and in your home from whatever Distance.

(in reply to ItalianBella)
Profile   Post #: 67
RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/18/2012 11:08:16 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Well it seems you've already decided what to do. Were you somehow expecting for everyone to say that you should stick it out and be his rescuer?

You knew what you were going to do the moment you posted the op.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

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Profile   Post #: 68
RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/18/2012 11:19:55 PM   
brattybabybunny


Posts: 2
Joined: 12/3/2012
Status: offline 		littlewonder,

I personally read the OP very differently. She sounds to have sought advice on how to move forward in the choice she made, not to receive advice on what she should choose.

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 69
RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/18/2012 11:42:56 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		What you ask for and what you get is sometimes two different things.

From Kana:

quote:

Of course, had I been dropped for a ten year bit, I wouldn't have asked, or let her, stay. It's just not fair to her and would make me feel like a selfish shit.


That he *let* her stay tells us how selfish and egocentric this man is. You know, the felon who does stupid shit and gets sent to prison. Which means we can now add low impulse control to the list. These are not the traits of a good dominant. I can not in good faith give advice on how to hang on to a relationship that should have been severed long ago - and clearly I was not the only one with this thought.



_____________________________



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Profile   Post #: 70
RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/19/2012 1:34:03 AM   
absolutchocolat


Posts: 1392
Status: offline 		I have to applaud you for posting about your struggles. This is an interesting thread, and I wish you luck with whatever you decide.

That said, I'm with RaspberryLemon and fluffypet on this. Whether it was a "stupid mistake" or deliberate act, the result is the same. Jail time is hell time. As square and law-abiding as I am, I find it difficult to write someone off because they've been behind the wall. Perhaps this is because many, many friends of mine are activists and most of us have been jailed briefly at one point or another, or because I correspond with my uncle and an author friend of mine who are both in jail for extended periods. Prisoners love and are loved, and being segregated from society doesn't change that.

That said, I think you and your man should discuss what you're feeling. There may not be a rainbow at the end of your storm, but you two can navigate it together and decide what you will do going forward.

(in reply to ItalianBella)
Profile   Post #: 71
RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/19/2012 6:59:46 AM   
SacredDepravity


Posts: 270
Joined: 8/6/2012
Status: offline 		OP, you don't have to be unintelligent to lack appropriate personal boundaries. I used to be a classic example of it. That's the thing. You are not dumb enough to think this is or is going to be easy, but yet you do not have a boundary that state that it is not okay for someone else to make life hard for you when it doesn't have to be. This isn't going overseas in the military, some health condition, or something long in the past that he wished he could undo now that he's with you. No. You were not worth enough to him to go straight BEFORE putting you in this position. He made a very basic decision that you, his wife, deserved a life of struggle and pain. He made that decision the moment he broke the law.

He made a stupid decision and now he will have every possible strike against him trying to something as simple as find work, a place to live, transport himself, etc. What are the chances he's going to stay on the straight and narrow when the going gets VERY hard? He didn't even do so before which is how he will have gotten to this point. He didn't prove himself to be a good and credible leader then. He has to prove he is a changed man now before he'd see my face, much less share my bed, and certainly not have control of me. When it is a long stretch down the road and he has stayed straight and you still feel the need and desire for him in your life,then come back to this conversation. You are taking care of yourself and running your own life. Do you really need him? Yes, I understand being submissive and living life with the dominant pants on 24/7. Did that. It sucks and it is draining. So, maybe you will want him back, but it's a fool's bet to do it straight out of the pen. Sorry. There's too many strikes against him making an honest go of it. Wait to see the change first and then see where your feelings are.

You don't strike me as stupid. You strike me as having a big heart and a poor value of yourself. You deserve to be happy, cared for, and led by someone who will not harm you like this. You deserve to know that you will NEVER have to face something like this again. I WAS you once upon a time. I went down a lot of painful paths because of it, but I'm stronger and wiser now. After the worst of it, I decided to get some help and entered therapy for awhile. I have been in and out of it ever since. I had deep wounds that needed a lot of care and protection. I had to learn my worth and my own sense of boundaries from scratch. In the beginning, I barely even had an identity. I put so much value into other people because I lacked value in myself. I was the keeper of lost causes because I was lost myself.

I'm sorry. I can't advise you on how to hold on to a relationship that hasn't been healthy so far. And it hasn't. Make no mistake. You can write, call, visit, and all of that, but it doesn't change that he was the kind of man to wind up in there and you were the kind of woman to be madly in love with a man who was prisonbound. You each have your own work to do on self before being ready for a relationship with each other or otherwise. Maybe he's done his while inside. Only time will tell. You definitely have not done yours. I'm a real sucker for valuing those of low value and not giving up on hard or lost causes, but it's not healthy. I deserve my own personal world to be one in which the people who share it most closely are worthy and healthy assets. I deserve what you are currently not allowing yourself. I am not saying that there is no hope for your relationship and I didn't say it before either. I am saying that there is a lot of doing to do before a relationship, much less one of power dynamic even enters the equation. His penance doesn't end at the prison door. That's the first step in the journey of a million miles.

SD


(in reply to absolutchocolat)
Profile   Post #: 72
RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/19/2012 9:19:13 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: brattybabybunny

littlewonder,

I personally read the OP very differently. She sounds to have sought advice on how to move forward in the choice she made, not to receive advice on what she should choose.


Chatte nailed it. He's in no position to be in a relationship, D/s or otherwise.


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to brattybabybunny)
Profile   Post #: 73
RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/24/2012 8:02:33 PM   
AllisonWilder


Posts: 296
Joined: 10/8/2012
Status: offline 		I have no advice to offer, but 7 years is a long time to wait for anyone.

I was married once, briefly. He was sentenced to prison time, 11 months. By the time he was released we were officially divorced. I waited for 4 months, got my head on straight and realized that I didn't need to be bogged down by someone else and their poor decisions and filed for divorce. It was the best decision that I have ever made.

Good luck with the rest of your life with this man. You're going to need it.

< Message edited by AllisonWilder -- 12/24/2012 8:04:25 PM >

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 74
RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/25/2012 3:46:25 PM   
domincalifornia


Posts: 88
Joined: 6/7/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ItalianBella

He will be released in 4 more years if he is made to serve out. And I understand all the responses but my time invested keeps me from simply walking away. I know the cons in this list... there are far more cons then pros and I know odds are against me on so many levels but If I walk away I dont want it to be simply because he is not here.



The "time invested" is a bad reason to stay with it. The time is what is known as a sunk cost -- it's something you've spent and can't get back. It's like if a mechanic tells you it will cost $2,000 to fix an old car that is only worth $1,000. Your decision shouldn't be affected by how much money you've already put into the car. You have to make your decision from this point forward.

All that said, this isn't a question you'll find help with on an Internet board. It isn't a BDSM question. It's barely a relationship question. You should go to a professional counsellor. If you can't afford one, the local mental health department should be able to assist you. Good luck.

(in reply to ItalianBella)
Profile   Post #: 75
RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/25/2012 4:39:34 PM   
stardancer00


Posts: 60
Joined: 7/6/2005
Status: offline 		You have been a prison wife for 7 years, and at age 34, that is a very long time. It is not unheard of, however, and as you have seen when you visit him, there are many women in similar situations to yours.

You feel burnt out, and you have lost the intensity you once had with him. 7 years ago, you were a 27 year old woman, and you were with this man from the time you were 24.

When a man is incarcerated, he is not able to develop his life. Life in prison is its own subculture, and divorced from the rest of society. The kinds of challenges he faces there are very different from the ones he will face and had to face when he was free to live in society.

When a woman is a prison wife, she is just as incarcerated as her husband. You are chained to your own guilt now, thinking that if you walk away, you will be abandoning him in there. Yet, your need for self-development is so intense that it is throwing you into a depression.

There is no way for you to know whether or not your relationship will work when he gets out. He will need to focus on himself, and he will need to find a job and re-learn the rhythms of life in society.

He was your Dominant when he was free, but now he is in your care. Think about how that changes the balance of power.

What Domincalifornia says is good advice. There are resources on the internet as well, and it would be a good idea for you to research prison wives, find a support group, and also find a personal counselor who can help you to understand what is going on inside of you right now and to help you find ways to work through it and make good decisions for yourself that will leave you healthy, vibrant and growing.

We are each responsible for our own lives, and that is the challenge of maturity, whether we call ourselves Doms or subs, and whether we are incarcerated men or prison wives.

If you find you need to leave this relationship, remember that your is an adult, and he will find his way. His life is his responsibility, and that is one of the things that prison life takes from prisoners. It is what each of them needs to relearn when they get out, and it is what so many are unable to do.

You cannot save him.

You can only save yourself.

I wish you the best life you can have,

stardancer


(in reply to domincalifornia)
Profile   Post #: 76
RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/25/2012 4:52:54 PM   
Duskypearls


Posts: 3561
Joined: 8/21/2011
Status: offline 		^^^ What she said!!!

(in reply to stardancer00)
Profile   Post #: 77
RE: Incarcerated partner - 9/5/2013 9:44:45 AM   
ItalianBella


Posts: 12
Joined: 4/14/2007
Status: offline 		I truly appreciate the time everyone took in writing, good and bad and or indifferent
I will admit that the over whelming negative pushed me away from the thread. I spent so much time depressed and was hoping to not go down further then I am already, life is hard, but I want to thank everyone. I never imagined in a million years I would be faced with this type of life, yes I went into it because I mentally couldn't walk away, as the years went by it became hard to do so even when I understood how draining and harsh this would and was to my own development, but at that points I had invested so much time and I thought walking away meant my time was for nothing. That's a hard knock and I do love him even though I do agree he has a very selfish demeanor. He sure wouldn't do what I have done. Its life being the living dead out here like this, waiting to live. He was just revised again last month, denied, won't have another review until 2015. I just need to have the passion and fire back, physicality does matter and I have truly damaged myself through this journey of his, would I relive this, nope, never, do I still care, yes. Its hard to shut that off. Thanks again.

(in reply to Duskypearls)
Profile   Post #: 78
RE: Incarcerated partner - 9/5/2013 9:52:32 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana
Raises hand-me too.
And I served time for it
Of course, had I been dropped for a ten year bit, I wouldn't have asked, or let her, stay. It's just not fair to her and would make me feel like a selfish shit.
But hey, that's just me.

This is exactly what I was thinking. I have made such mistakes in my past. I've done things married to Carol that might have resulted in such outcomes (it isn't hard in the US). But damned sure if I got sent away for a decade she'd be divorced whether she wanted to be or not and my last command to her would be "Go find someone to make you happy. If you can't do it for yourself then do it for me."

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to Kana)
Profile   Post #: 79
RE: Incarcerated partner - 9/5/2013 12:06:15 PM   
Gauge


Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ItalianBella

I truly appreciate the time everyone took in writing, good and bad and or indifferent
I will admit that the over whelming negative pushed me away from the thread. I spent so much time depressed and was hoping to not go down further then I am already, life is hard, but I want to thank everyone. I never imagined in a million years I would be faced with this type of life, yes I went into it because I mentally couldn't walk away, as the years went by it became hard to do so even when I understood how draining and harsh this would and was to my own development, but at that points I had invested so much time and I thought walking away meant my time was for nothing. That's a hard knock and I do love him even though I do agree he has a very selfish demeanor. He sure wouldn't do what I have done. Its life being the living dead out here like this, waiting to live. He was just revised again last month, denied, won't have another review until 2015. I just need to have the passion and fire back, physicality does matter and I have truly damaged myself through this journey of his, would I relive this, nope, never, do I still care, yes. Its hard to shut that off. Thanks again.


Sit back and look at the toll this has taken on you. Sure you are going to stick it out and wait, but just take a second and listen to yourself. You are a shambles and for what? Even if this guy gets out you have still lost a significant amount of time in your relationship. Are you certain of his loyalty? Can you be assured that you can just pick up where you left off? I am not going to ask you what he was convicted for because you have dodged this question the entire thread... however, if his crime was a violent one, can you be certain that his violent tendencies have not gotten worse because of jail? I mean, a model prisoner would have more than likely gotten released at the first parole hearing, so why was he turned down? You have stuck with this for so long and convinced yourself that you are doing the exact right thing because you care, but you have more questions than you do answers. That is never a good way to live.

Look, I am not going to tell you to move on and I am not going to presume that I know more than you have already told us. You have got to take a look at the situation and then really weigh out every possible question that you have and be honest with your answers. Only after you do that will you find an answer that may or may not suit you. Your original question was how can you revitalize your feelings and relationship. I think it is a stretch to call this a relationship because you have one element missing from the equation; your partner. Without the daily, physical, intellectual, and emotional stimulation that you would have if he were with you, there is little more than hope that is driving you for this long. You basically chose to stunt your own emotional and intellectual growth when you decided to stay and wait for him. So what happens if he is released and he is not the man you once knew? What then? You have set yourself up for a great deal of resentment, bitterness, and anger. Is it worth it? Only you know.

To be quite blunt I am not sure if your actions are admirable or stupid. You have made your choices and have to live with that and only time will tell if you are right or were wrong. I do hope for your sake that it was worth the emotional toll that it took.

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to ItalianBella)
Profile   Post #: 80
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