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RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/8/2012 8:58:02 AM   
fluffypet67


Posts: 4421
Joined: 3/8/2012
From: Moorestown, NJ
Status: offline 		Do you visit him regularly?

Join a support group for spouses of prisoners.

There are FB groups - Wives of Inmates, Journey of 1000 Miles - to name just a couple.

And there are other support organizations. A search turned up Centerforce, The Prison Wives Movement, Prisoners' Wives Girlfriends and Partners, and a lot more.

They may be able to help you.

_____________________________

fluffy
a BC survivor for 4 years.

On my own again.

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/8/2012 9:16:21 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RaspberryLemon
all of the comments claiming that he is a scumbag/loser, physically abusive (or will become so,) or that he will become a repeat offender and land himself back in prison...I think that is a little too presumptuous and almost out of line considering how little we know about him, her, and the situation.
I'll agree with that. But, honestly the numbers show that 61% will re-offend.



quote:

We don't know the whole story. We don't know what he did, why he did it, and what the circumstances are. I for one would want to know more before passing judgment on someone when all I know is that they are in prison for 12+ years. Conviction of innocents is not unheard of, nor are good people that make a mistake and learn their lesson. Without knowing more, I cannot say whether or not I think OP should leave.


I'm going to disagree with you there. For 12 years it was something pretty serious. This is isn't a situation where she has met someone with a past, has made a decision and has proven that he can turn his life around. They were together when he did this crime. That means that rather than being a good Dominant and taking care of someone that he has control of....he chose to do something that did her harm. He has broken her trust.

As for the innocents convicted. Yes, it happens but not nearly as often as those who are incarcerated say so.

And quite frankly, saying that you've changed while in prison is easy. Walking the walk is much harder and actions speak much louder than words. She's not going to know if he has changed until a couple of years after he's been out.








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The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to RaspberryLemon)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/8/2012 9:58:17 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		Oside, my thinking is that as long as the OP keeps an emotional (and hopefully non-cohabitating) distance, the husband can prove himself by obtaining and keeping a job (A job, not a series of them), attending some form of 12-step program (regardless of his offense - there is wisdom to be found in those programs), making a sincere effort to make emotional/financial/etc restitution to those in his life (his wife/kids/other family members) that he has damaged, and to make a full and clean break from the circle of friends that he asociated with prior to his arrest.

I have had friends who fell into the "stupid mistake" category.  Using the above formula (adjusted for what applies), almost all of them have been reconciled with their families.  NOt all the mom/dad - gf/bf whatever relationships have survived, but in most cases the relationship death knell came from other causes (cheating, loss of interest, 'different paths' kinda stuff).

WHat Rasberry said is NOT impossible.

The OP needs to decide if she can (and if HE can) take the steps.

We DON'T know the other side of the tale...
(sorry, prolly rambling.. it's about that time for me...LOL)

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Supreme Goddess of Snark
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(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/8/2012 10:01:02 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		I'm married to someone that made a "stupid mistake" before we were together. I probably have a better perspective on this than a lot of people here.



_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to GreedyTop)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/8/2012 10:12:50 AM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		I *am* a person who made a stupid mistake.

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/8/2012 10:31:20 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		You have beat the odds and I'm positive that it was a hard journey. But you also know that while it's possible, it's not probable.

We're talking about someone that is asking how to keep a D/s relationship alive with someone that at the moment is not fit to be in any relationship.











_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to GreedyTop)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/8/2012 11:10:57 AM   
Kaliko


Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline 		Regardless of your particular circumstances, I tend to think that when someone asks how to go about saving a relationship, that usually means they are starting to voice their thoughts to others that the relationship is in trouble. You have now made the possibility that your relationship may not last a reality - put it on paper, talked with others. I know, many people do this...and perhaps many go on to have long happy marriages. In my completely unfounded and biased opinion, though,...when someone says "How do I bring it back to health?" that is the beginning of the end.

What would have made me feel differently is if you had said "How do we bring it back to health?" You, though, have taken on the responsibility for the strength of the relationship, in addition to all of the other responsibilities you've taken on. And good on you for that. I'm in the seeming minority here that I feel that just because he's incarcerated doesn't mean he's not deserving of your loyalty. We don't know enough about it all to say.

And since your question wasn't whether he is deserving of your loyalty, but rather, how to bring the relationship back to health, I would second the suggestions in FluffyPet's post. I would also suggest seeing a counselor completely removed from anything related to prison - for a different perspective. I don't necessarily think your priorities are all that fucked up. I think you may be seesawing between loyalty (and perhaps love) and guilt if you do leave, and you need to find your strength - in whichever direction you choose to proceed.





(in reply to ItalianBella)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/8/2012 11:22:58 AM   
Baroana


Posts: 1480
Joined: 11/13/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl


quote:

ORIGINAL: RaspberryLemon
all of the comments claiming that he is a scumbag/loser, physically abusive (or will become so,) or that he will become a repeat offender and land himself back in prison...I think that is a little too presumptuous and almost out of line considering how little we know about him, her, and the situation.
I'll agree with that. But, honestly the numbers show that 61% will re-offend.



quote:

We don't know the whole story. We don't know what he did, why he did it, and what the circumstances are. I for one would want to know more before passing judgment on someone when all I know is that they are in prison for 12+ years. Conviction of innocents is not unheard of, nor are good people that make a mistake and learn their lesson. Without knowing more, I cannot say whether or not I think OP should leave.


I'm going to disagree with you there. For 12 years it was something pretty serious. This is isn't a situation where she has met someone with a past, has made a decision and has proven that he can turn his life around. They were together when he did this crime. That means that rather than being a good Dominant and taking care of someone that he has control of....he chose to do something that did her harm. He has broken her trust.

As for the innocents convicted. Yes, it happens but not nearly as often as those who are incarcerated say so.

And quite frankly, saying that you've changed while in prison is easy. Walking the walk is much harder and actions speak much louder than words. She's not going to know if he has changed until a couple of years after he's been out.





The possibility of wrongful conviction was the first question I asked, and the response was silence.

For those not intimately familiar with the criminal justice system, an 11 year prison sentence means a few things. For starters, it means that the offense was a felony. Moreover, either the offense was a very serious felony, or the defendant has a significant prior conviction history. Either way, we call this kind of person NOT MARRIAGE MATERIAL. PERIOD.

< Message edited by Baroana -- 12/8/2012 11:28:30 AM >

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/8/2012 12:15:09 PM   
Baroana


Posts: 1480
Joined: 11/13/2011
Status: offline 		I mean, unless and until he's come out of prison and proven himself reformed for a period of years. Not a moment before.

(in reply to Baroana)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/8/2012 12:21:17 PM   
ThePrincessKali


Posts: 424
Joined: 9/19/2012
Status: offline 		Get a divorce and seek out a partner who isn't a convicted felon?

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/8/2012 4:26:59 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: PANKRATIO

Soie sage, Tigresse.

Your extrapolation of OP's quality of friends based on how they look veers dangerously close to revealing a prejudice, and swerves rather out of the territory of impartial advice.

I work in regular contact with those who have for some reason or other marginalized themselves. Prisoners, drug addicts, etc. If there is a particular attitude I've found to be most harmful to them becoming productive members of society again, it would be a toss up between cynicism and pessimism. There are hopeless cases, of course, and others who will never make it all the way back to the straight and narrow path, but I can live with that. The odds are against it, yet, but they aren't astronomical. Can the OP live with that?

Cynicism was pretty new stuff about 2500 years ago. It may have run its course.

Pan


Pan, I knew that my comments COULD be taken that way, by anyone that doesn't know me. Yet I am willing to go out on that limb. I am a student of human behaviour AND a photographer........AND the mother of a convicted felon. A convicted felon that had, at one time, the same attitude that I READ in those photographs.

I wasn't READING those photographs by anything so shallow as gender or genetic makeup. If indeed, that is your assumption, I can understand why but also know my own intent is clear.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/8/2012 6:00:38 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline 		This is obviously not the place to ask. As usual we get lots of igornant, judgemental responses from people with only the slimmest of bare facts. Leave him now and don't look back because they all know exactly what you should do based on a few sentences. Only you know all the facts and whether or not you should be loyal to him. It does NOT make you a bad mother to have an incarcerated partner. Christ, the nerve...........luci

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Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/8/2012 6:09:38 PM   
Baroana


Posts: 1480
Joined: 11/13/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveluci

This is obviously not the place to ask. As usual we get lots of igornant, judgemental responses from people with only the slimmest of bare facts. Leave him now and don't look back because they all know exactly what you should do based on a few sentences. Only you know all the facts and whether or not you should be loyal to him. It does NOT make you a bad mother to have an incarcerated partner. Christ, the nerve...........luci



Dude!!! The OP never said she had a kid by this guy or by anybody!

In fact, her silence on the issue has implied the opposite, which means she can't even use that excuse for sticking with her jailbird "dom."

We've been going by the facts she's given, which are plenty when it comes to strongly recommending that she cut this guy loose.

< Message edited by Baroana -- 12/8/2012 6:11:57 PM >

(in reply to slaveluci)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/8/2012 8:44:27 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveluci

This is obviously not the place to ask. As usual we get lots of igornant, judgemental responses from people with only the slimmest of bare facts. Leave him now and don't look back because they all know exactly what you should do based on a few sentences. Only you know all the facts and whether or not you should be loyal to him. It does NOT make you a bad mother to have an incarcerated partner. Christ, the nerve...........luci



No where in what I wrote did I suggest that she should leave him.

She wants a healthy relationship with him.

I asked how is she defining "healthy"?

I suggested that she learn how to have a healthy relationship: with herself, first.

One person, by themselves, can not make an unhealthy relationship well.

To be able to fix the problem, one needs to first know what the issues are.
If she had a concrete idea of all of that, chances are she would not have written to begin with.


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(in reply to slaveluci)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/8/2012 8:46:36 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Well according to her journal entries, she's been unhappy with this set up for YEARS. It's not something new to her. Personally if I was in that situation, I would end it because who wants to be unhappy for the rest of their lives?

Not unless she likes feeling that way and I guess there are people who are that way.


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Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

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Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/8/2012 8:51:55 PM   
Baroana


Posts: 1480
Joined: 11/13/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

Well according to her journal entries, she's been unhappy with this set up for YEARS. It's not something new to her. Personally if I was in that situation, I would end it because who wants to be unhappy for the rest of their lives?

Not unless she likes feeling that way and I guess there are people who are that way.




Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I checked out the profile and the first page of journal entries.

Now I get it. She's a pretty, intelligent young female attracted to thugs. Tale as old as time.

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/9/2012 12:58:17 AM   
RaspberryLemon


Posts: 422
Joined: 7/18/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: theRose4U
Raspberry just out of curiosity how exactly does one "make up" for leaving a partner alone for 12 years to support themselves & a spouse that provides no mental, physical or financial support for that entire time...not even going to ask when the last time OP got laid was? If she's like others I have known with inmate spouses she gets to pay all of her bills as well as his "cantine money" & legal expenses in the 10's of thousands of dollars...BY HERSELF.
How exactly does one "make up" for that?
I could come up with things that might "make up for it," but none of that would mean anything because what matters is what OP feels about it and how she perceives his efforts. What does she need/want him to do to make up for it? Is there anything that could? It's up to her, I think, to make that decision.

As for him providing no mental, physical, or financial support...while lacking in the latter two are a given, I don't think it's fair to say that he definitely has not been providing mental/emotional support. Assuming they have some sort of contact with each other (letters, phone calls, visits, etc.) I would sooner assume that he's doing his best to show mental/emotional support than I would guess that that aspect of their relationship is completely empty. Again, we don't know. We don't know the ins and outs of their relationship or their communication, so who are we to say this guy isn't doing what he can while he is incarcerated?

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl
I'm going to disagree with you there. For 12 years it was something pretty serious. This is isn't a situation where she has met someone with a past, has made a decision and has proven that he can turn his life around. They were together when he did this crime. That means that rather than being a good Dominant and taking care of someone that he has control of....he chose to do something that did her harm. He has broken her trust.

As for the innocents convicted. Yes, it happens but not nearly as often as those who are incarcerated say so.

And quite frankly, saying that you've changed while in prison is easy. Walking the walk is much harder and actions speak much louder than words. She's not going to know if he has changed until a couple of years after he's been out.
I agree that he made a decision that was incredibly irresponsible and untrustworthy as her dominant. That changes things for her relationship. And as I said previously, that's obviously something OP needs to think seriously about--it changed things, or at least it should, but should it end things?

Again, we don't know what happened, how, or why, nor do we have any solid information about this dude's character. I for one would not pass judgment on him before knowing exactly what he did, why he did it, and under what circumstances. Perhaps I'm in the minority here, but I don't think that law equates perfectly with morality every time. So I would want to know more before saying to OP something as presumptuous as "leave him because he's a criminal."

I agree that she won't know for sure if he is going to "learn his lesson" and clean up his act until he's been out of prison for a while. But I think that OP should decide whether or not she feels it's best to stick around based on what's real to her, how she feels, what she wants out of her life, and how much she trusts him to change. She should make an informed decision on whether or not to bet on those odds rather than leave him based on "he committed a crime." She knows him best. Is he deserving of her loyalty? Maybe yes, maybe no. All I'm saying is that I believe we don't have enough information to make a fair judgment on that.

(in reply to theRose4U)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/9/2012 2:57:12 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		My judgement call is in reading her journal where she has been unhappy with the situation for at least 2 years, probably more. Yes, she may love him, but does she really want to live a life of unhappiness which seems to be part of her journal entries? I've been where she is. It's not easy and it takes a saint to put up with it. I barely made it through even though I loved him immensely.

It would be nice if the op would come back and give us some further information but I'm thinking she will not return to this place.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to RaspberryLemon)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/9/2012 3:52:31 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveluci

This is obviously not the place to ask. As usual we get lots of igornant, judgemental responses from people with only the slimmest of bare facts. Leave him now and don't look back because they all know exactly what you should do based on a few sentences. Only you know all the facts and whether or not you should be loyal to him. It does NOT make you a bad mother to have an incarcerated partner. Christ, the nerve...........luci



I agree the OP was given numerous judgmental responses to her thread. Mine was one of them. The term judgmental has a bad connotation when it shouldn't (JMO). Being judgmental means you have the ability to discern what meets your own standards. Obviously for most in this group, having a partner (dom or sub) who is incarcerated does not meet most people's standards.

I suspect it would not meet most people's standards.

Now, I think there are circumstances when it might be appropriate for a couple in this situation to stay together. If the felon (since he has to be a *serious* felon, he was sentenced to over ten years in prison) is taking major steps to: rehabilitate himself, make amends, seek out treatment for alcohol or drug abuse issues, and anything else he needs to do to prove he wants to be a viable member of society when he gets out.

Nothing less is acceptable, unless you are a person willing and able to live a life of fear and struggle and remorse and hopelessness due to your partner's inability to live within the confines of our society.

From the OP's post, her face, the face of the people *she* chooses to gather around her, she has been living that life. And she's tired of it.

Good for her.

Unfortunately getting herself out of this very deep hole she's dug for herself will not be easy. She needs to be highly motivated to do so, and she's not.

BTW luci, I found your response every bit as judgmental and ignorant as you found mine.




< Message edited by ChatteParfaitt -- 12/9/2012 3:53:33 AM >

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(in reply to slaveluci)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Incarcerated partner - 12/9/2012 6:10:40 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Indeed.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 60
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