RE: He Won't Let Me Talk To Others

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RE: He Won't Let Me Talk To Others - 12/12/2012 11:26:31 AM

DomMeinCT

Posts: 2355
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TwistedChange

Oh ladies I totally agree with you all and I am not in a relationship at the moment but I wanted to raise this as a topic of discussion as I hear about it quite a lot from other subs. I wanted to raise awareness of this common 'order' so that subs can see that some Doms have some very strange motives.

In all the time I've talked to others here, I've never had a submissive woman say that they're not permitted use of the forums due to a controlling dominant partner. I have had a single person tell me they tell others they don't want to talk to that they can't and *blame* it on their dominant partner (with his permission).

_____________________________

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances:
if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
~ Carl Jung

(in reply to TwistedChange)

Post #: 21

RE: He Won't Let Me Talk To Others - 12/12/2012 11:28:18 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cp42V938eBA

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to DomMeinCT)

Post #: 22

RE: He Won't Let Me Talk To Others - 12/12/2012 11:28:59 AM

RemoteUser

Posts: 2854
Joined: 5/10/2011
Status: offline

My girl can talk to anyone she likes. She's not likely to tell me about it, but if it was important, she would.

She's a private person so out of respect I don't post her username (let alone her real name), and if I mention it to anyone in mail on the other side I tell her. It's only happened twice (maybe three times?), and she was fine with it each time.

I haven't seen a lot of this on the boards, and I can't say many, if any, subs I've talked with have communication limitations beyond the sensible (ie private matters). I think without particulars that abuse is a harsh word; it's practical to warn people but another thing altogether to label. Labels on these boards have a bad way of sticking, sometimes corrosively.

_____________________________

There is nothing worse than being right. Instead of being right, then, try to be open. It is more difficult, and more rewarding.

(in reply to TwistedChange)

Post #: 23

RE: He Won't Let Me Talk To Others - 12/12/2012 11:30:42 AM

TwistedChange

Posts: 14
Joined: 12/12/2012
Status: offline

I see what you're saying ladies, but come on, we see it all over the place some subs can't even shake off the 'On your knees bitch' private messengers on sites like these. Or even the well meaning 'doms' who advise them that their current relationships are all wrong. I feel that some subs do need empowering.

_____________________________

the truth is seldom pure and never simple

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 24

RE: He Won't Let Me Talk To Others - 12/12/2012 11:37:37 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Depends. If she enjoyed the forums, then a temporary ban could serve as a punishment. I once was married to a woman wbo insisted on sharing crap from her soap operas with me - if someone shared collarchat drama with me, I'd reduce her time here.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to TwistedChange)

Post #: 25

RE: He Won't Let Me Talk To Others - 12/12/2012 11:37:47 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TwistedChange

I see what you're saying ladies, but come on, we see it all over the place some subs can't even shake off the 'On your knees bitch' private messengers on sites like these. Or even the well meaning 'doms' who advise them that their current relationships are all wrong. I feel that some subs do need empowering.

Yeah, but that's not a submissive thing, it's a personality thing and it can't be cured by an outside source. It's something that comes from within.

Let's face it: If they don't have a enough strength to say "no" before the relationship, they won't be strong enough to resist the guy who pressures or sweet talks her around that impediment.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to TwistedChange)

Post #: 26

RE: He Won't Let Me Talk To Others - 12/12/2012 11:38:29 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

NOBODDY BETER BE SENKING ON YORE KNEALS MESSIGES TO THE UNEMPOWERED BITHCES I ONE. I AM DOMINATE.

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to TwistedChange)

Post #: 27

RE: He Won't Let Me Talk To Others - 12/12/2012 11:38:43 AM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TwistedChange
we see it all over the place

No, we don't. It's atypical sub-frenzy behavior, most often (IME) exhibited by middle-aged women discovering D/s for the first time.

TwistedChange, you're beginning to redflag me. If you have something concrete to express, do that. However, your OPs seem more like passive-aggressive attempts to stir up drama, than they do attempts to stimulate a discussion that can help people in the real world.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to TwistedChange)

Post #: 28

RE: He Won't Let Me Talk To Others - 12/12/2012 11:46:39 AM

RemoteUser

Posts: 2854
Joined: 5/10/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TwistedChange

I see what you're saying ladies, but come on, we see it all over the place some subs can't even shake off the 'On your knees bitch' private messengers on sites like these. Or even the well meaning 'doms' who advise them that their current relationships are all wrong. I feel that some subs do need empowering.

You can't eliminate stupid.

To add to that: if your truth is not my truth it is not truth, but opinion.

_____________________________

There is nothing worse than being right. Instead of being right, then, try to be open. It is more difficult, and more rewarding.

(in reply to TwistedChange)

Post #: 29

RE: He Won't Let Me Talk To Others - 12/12/2012 11:46:40 AM

came4U

Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline

quote:

I feel that some subs do need empowering.

and some people (subs) need financial/cooking/medical advice,
but there comes a point where with some 'basic' necessities of knowledge and self-preservation come in handy and sometimes you just can't fix everybodyyyyy and you can't for sure fix people that don't ask to be helped (in your hypothetical settings).

sometimes you just can't be 'mothering' every gal that seems weak because they have to (eventually) learn on their own that on the net there are wordy manipulators (as in life) and they have to learn to distinguish genuine security vs perceptual and artificial security (taken on by shuffling the responsiblility of one's own security to another). Big girl panties all around to the ones that don't know the difference.

I always feel that in these instances it is where we bring in the things our parents (should) have taught us...Don't run into traffic, don't talk to strangers and DON'T let ANYONE talk you into anything that makes you morally uncomforable deep down. (*exception and high fives for any sweet-ass and sincere sadists who do not cause such trivial distress upon a sub) lol.

< Message edited by came4U -- 12/12/2012 11:49:20 AM >

_____________________________

It hurts.....that you call me a masochist

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 30

RE: He Won't Let Me Talk To Others - 12/12/2012 11:50:09 AM

TwistedChange

Posts: 14
Joined: 12/12/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

quote:

ORIGINAL: TwistedChange
we see it all over the place

No, we don't. It's atypical sub-frenzy behavior, most often (IME) exhibited by middle-aged women discovering D/s for the first time.

TwistedChange, you're beginning to redflag me. If you have something concrete to express, do that. However, your OPs seem more like passive-aggressive attempts to stir up drama, than they do attempts to stimulate a discussion that can help people in the real world.

If that's the case RedMagic I will find a different way to express myself.

_____________________________

the truth is seldom pure and never simple

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 31

RE: He Won't Let Me Talk To Others - 12/12/2012 11:53:46 AM

absolutchocolat

Posts: 1392
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

NOBODDY BETER BE SENKING ON YORE KNEALS MESSIGES TO THE UNEMPOWERED BITHCES I ONE. I AM DOMINATE.

oh, shit. one of the real twue doms has invaded Ron's computer! CODE BLUE, CODE BLUE!!!! we need reinforcements!!!!

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 32

RE: He Won't Let Me Talk To Others - 12/12/2012 12:27:04 PM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders
Denying contact with others is a big big warning sign. At best, it smacks of crippling insecurity.

Obviously Carol's and my situation is different since she's not here posting a question like this. But honestly there are more reasons than "abuse" or "insecurity" that might drive such a decision. I have, at times, told her to get off some boards or get on others. Generally it was because some discussion boards were making her crazy. Others just had little value to her and were becoming time-sinks to procrastinate with instead of oil painting.

The thing is, those reasons would've been obvious to Carol so a question like the OP's never would've been asked.

< Message edited by JeffBC -- 12/12/2012 1:23:42 PM >

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 33

RE: He Won't Let Me Talk To Others - 12/12/2012 1:04:36 PM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

Sure, there are exceptions and good reasons, but like you said, in those cases it's usually clear and obvious what the motivation is. In the general terms of the OP though, it hits my (admittedly sensitive) potential-abuse radar.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 34

RE: He Won't Let Me Talk To Others - 12/12/2012 1:34:49 PM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders
Sure, there are exceptions and good reasons, but like you said, in those cases it's usually clear and obvious what the motivation is. In the general terms of the OP though, it hits my (admittedly sensitive) potential-abuse radar.

Agreed... if for no other reason than she is asking the question. Frankly though what is way more concerning to me than his maybe, maybe-not abusive insecurity is her lack of trust. That lack of trust may or may not be well founded but I'm often-times amazed that anyone would agree to obey anyone else in such a situation. The OP's profile talks about a history with "sad little men" and their "power trips". THIS is the red flag that should've bee tripped to prevent that. She doesn't trust him or his reasoning or his decision making ability yet she obeys him. Yeah... that's got red flag written all over it to me.

What is missing in this equation is trust, respect, and communication. The thing is, Carol and I have been through this. It was not even a ripple in the pond. I gave the command. She questioned why. In most cases she agreed. In some she did not but she could at least see how my thinking was plausible and not based on insecurity or a desire to be abusive. For the OP's relationship the questions that I find most pressing are the ones that get to "Why isn't it going just as smoothly in her relationship?"

And just as a general aside... this is one of the reasons I love TPE. It gets all of these sorts of questions out of the way right up front. Yup yup... I have both the right and the duty to tell Carol who she can and cannot speak to and both of us see it like that which I suspect also helps to cut down on the drama.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 35

RE: He Won't Let Me Talk To Others - 12/12/2012 2:06:24 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC
I gave the command. She questioned why. In most cases she agreed. In some she did not but she could at least see how my thinking was plausible and not based on insecurity or a desire to be abusive.

For me that's the key. The ability to ask a question and have it answered.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 36

RE: He Won't Let Me Talk To Others - 12/12/2012 2:15:44 PM

chatterbox24

Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline

I don't read sometimes I just write.

You just be you. If someone is trying to prevent you from being your authentic you there is a problem. PERIOD.
Learn from your mistakes. Talk when you want to talk. Walk when you want to walk. Seek when you want to seek.
IT is never a good thing when people keep you from being yourself. If you feel they are controlling you cause you can not control yourself, then control yourself.

It really is that simple. Once you are in that position, everything else falls in place.

_____________________________

I am like a box of chocolates, you never know what variety you are going to get on any given day.

My crazy smells like jasmine, cloves and cat nip.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 37

RE: He Won't Let Me Talk To Others - 12/12/2012 3:44:13 PM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl
For me that's the key. The ability to ask a question and have it answered.

I suspect it's more generic than that. Sometimes I don't answer Carol when she wants to know why. But Carol's assessment of trust in me is based on almost two decades of experience. Somehow, obviously, she's coming up with a "trustworthy" answer when she evaluates these things. Just as obviously, the OP came to the "not trustworthy" answer and that's what I'd want to focus on if I were talking to the two of them. In my opinion the "who you can talk to" thing is a red herring.

The real question is "Why is she obeying some guy that she finds not trustworthy?" Sadly nobody wants to ever ask that question because it reeks of failure somehow. I don't personally see it that way. I figure that if I want to be trustworthy then that implies some actual measure. An actual measure implies I won't measure up all the time. So finding those times and reasons is a critical activity to me rather than something to be avoided. In other words, just like my honor, my failings at my own trustworthiness are how I know I'm at least trying. I'd love to see the OP go to her dom and say flat out, "I don't trust you with that decision. Do you want to take that off the negotiated list or do you want to work on the trust question?" That, in my mind, would be a healthy, fact-based way forward.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 38

RE: He Won't Let Me Talk To Others - 12/12/2012 4:46:31 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

If you and he find micromanagement hot, that's one thing. If it's to prevent someone from getting support, that's quite different.

I'm allowed to post online while he's watching football. With the caveat that if I get upset, this privilege gets removed. But it's to protect me and keep my mood steady.

As far as talking to other dominants who I don't know from the forums, I wasn't allowed to in the beginning. Actually I was until I demonstrated early on the fact that I never seemed to know when a guy was coming on to me and then I got upset when they did. Again, the purpose was not distrust of me but to help me stay happier. The fact that I suffer from mood disorders also enters into this.

I must say, having read the posts you've put up and your profile, that your expectations and experiences seem to be that all dominant men are actually abusive in some way. If that is so, I would suggest it means that you need to own your responsibility in picking these men.

The only common denominator in all your relationships is you.

< Message edited by DesFIP -- 12/12/2012 4:55:11 PM >

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 39

RE: He Won't Let Me Talk To Others - 12/12/2012 7:02:43 PM

SeekingTrinity

Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: absolutchocolat

the art & tammy reference was my lame attempt at humor. my mindset is that i don't post anything online that i wouldn't want my parents or loved ones to read...but of course, everyone doesn't subscribe to that mindset.

also, i think it would depend on what you consider "dirty laundry" as well. means different things to different folks.

oh yeah, here's the thread i was referencing, came4U: http://www.collarchat.com/m_3742544/mpage_1/tm.htm

Thank you so much for the link to the Art & Tammy show. I read the thread this afternoon and it was sooooo worth it

OP, as a dominant...I have personally never felt the need to tell the one who submits to me where and when they can post on forums. Id have a problem with personal relationship business being spilled all over the place ESPECIALLY if they never bothered speaking with me personally about what was troubling them. But I guess Ive just never felt insecure enough to have to exert that much control over someone else.

If its part of a dynamic, more power to people. But if its done as a means of isolating someone from others, thats a sign of an abusive relationship.

< Message edited by SeekingTrinity -- 12/12/2012 7:09:30 PM >

(in reply to absolutchocolat)

Post #: 40

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