CynthiaWVirginia
Posts: 1915
Joined: 2/28/2010
From: West Virginia, USA
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: TwistedChange
So how many of you have been in the position where your Dom won't let you post on forums such as these? I fully suspect there will be some readers of this thread who won't be allowed to respond with their true feelings.
Why do you think your Dom stops you from doing it?
Has he told you it's to protect you?
Has he told you it's just a lesson in discipline?
Has he told you it would embarrass him?
Have you even been able to ask why he's prohibited it?
In the back of your mind have you thought ...
He doesn't trust me
He must be insecure and scared to lose me to another Dom
Or have you just accepted it as His will?
Anyway, for those who may have had those limitations imposed on them in the past, what are you thoughts on this?
From a Domme point of view...yes I have been "the bad guy". For the first two or three months bo was prone to wild mood swings that had more to do with his past and his lack of coping mechanisms than it had to do with me. By the third day we were apart he would go into subdrop from Hell and would...ah...be very unpredictable about what spewed out of his mouth. He embarrassed the H out of me with several friends so yes, I gagged him for a while.
He is more calm now, without the sub frenzy and drop kicking in as powerfully as in the beginning.
Because of his brain injury, he would dyslex me with his ex, at least about conversations we had. What made me put him on a short leash was when I had him free to do as he pleased and during some wild subdrop he turned to a friend and told her that I won't talk with him about things (when I am very thorough, am a talker, and we had talked about certain things literally hundreds of times) and that I had told him to either shut up or keep it to himself. That last part was a flash back of a time with his ex and not me at all. My boy gets confuzzled, especially when he is all wound up.
He is the type to beg/plead/wheedle for a play party, help send out notices...and then the night before wanting to cancel it because he realizes that while I help prepare for it and play hostess that he will get less of my time and that I will be tired afterward. This has happened three times now. He doesn't mean to do this, but he is an emotional thinker rather than a more...um...Vulcan type. (Yeah, it's like I collared my mom as she's the same way; if I'm five minutes late picking her up from somewhere then it must be because I don't love her...having nothing to do with traffic, an infant needing an unplanned diaper change, etc.)
I didn't want him to embarrass me. I didn't want people to mock us as a couple. And more importantly, I had to reduce his humiliating himself while he learned the ropes...also, if I get a hangnail and he thinks it's his fault, his world almost comes to an end and the emotional self-punishing goes on and on and on. I have several friends and family members whose personalities are high strung and I'm used to handling it and calming them a bit down. Over time.
His writing is often gawdawful because of his brain injury, and for a long time at CM, many folks were bashing people on the head and skinning them alive if their writing was messed up. My boy is NOT lazy, not ignorant, he merely has a disability when it comes to writing/reading/typing. I decided not to allow any more stressors into his life by not allowing him to post in these boards. Before I decided this he had an oops at his computer and posted ONCE under my username (I had signed out only on one side, and this side, CollarChat, looked like it was under his name but posted under mine) and he almost had a heart attack. He groveled for weeks, in spite of my taking care of it and calming him down and telling him it was okay, no harm done.
He is also the one who tried to shut us off from all of our friends. See, his insecurity screamed at me and I had to deal with his past ghosts. His argument was good, that both of us came to CM to find each other and since we did, there's no reason to be here anymore. Same for munch groups and play parties. However...I had no plans to isolate him from the community so I forced him to calm down, to stay here, to learn to trust that I was not looking to "trade up". It's taken a long time but he finally saw my point, why I made us stay...he has made friends, REAL friends and not just friendly acquaintances. If we have to miss a munch or MAsT meeting...he misses them even more than I do. He is active over at Fet nowadays...because the groups we chose to participate in at first were limited to friends we knew from munches and from MAsT. Within this environment he wouldn't be called a fake or whatever because of his typing errors and unbroken walls of writing. Since he hates spending too much time with his (two fingered) typing, responding to letters from friends takes up most of his time at CM. Often he just reads someone's post over at Fet and then sends them a private message rather than posting in the thread.
He is under no restriction on BDSM boards now, but he will check with me before or after he posts or sends a letter...because he wants me to know what's going on in his life, even with the small things.
There's the "why I stopped him" from writing in message boards and restricted his writing to other people.
quote:
Has he told you it's to protect you?
Not really. He had picked up some bad habits while with his previous M that I needed to work on changing. At that time he couldn't see that this was also to protect his reputation as well as my own. Instead I told him point by point where his spewage deviated with facts and that this embarrassed US and made us look bad. It made me look like a lousy, incompetent Dominant and I hated being at fault for something that never happened. Anyway, it was my job to stop him from harming our relationship and my trust. For two to three months, before he sent out any letters to three people he had grown fond of whining to (in his past relationship as well as this one), I had him send me a copy of his letter he planned to send to them, and it would have to have my approval before he had my permission to send it off. If some BS came out, I gently talked it over with him so that he saw for himself that he was not being quite truthful, that his rollercoaster emotions were riding roughshod over facts. Eventually he found his path and I stopped muzzling, monitoring him. Newbie craziness doesn't last long; I waited it out...and my actions protected him in several ways. One was to help me not...feel betrayed...nor get disgusted with his mannerless, disrespectful behavior and release him. (I repeat that this was not intentional on his part, and at the same time that I was NOT going to put up with it.)
quote:
Has he told you it's just a lesson in discipline?
No, I didn't. He would not have understood if I put it that way. He had to learn that it was his job to take any problem to me first, whether real or imagined, and not go spewing all over other people behind my back about all his highs and lows. It took him time to really trust me, when all of his past history and instincts told him that I could end up being just like everyone else he ever trusted. He was scared. The deeper he fell the higher the stakes were and the more crazed his wild rollercoaster ride of emotion soared. With discipline, even self-discipline, I've had to guide him in the direction I wish him to grow...I cannot just tell him he is going to learn a lesson right NOW, with a Dommely stomp of my foot. 
quote:
Has he told you it would embarrass him?
No. When he said something in front of someone we both knew and my jaw dropped, I waited until we were in private. Then he told me that I had better read the letter he had sent because there was more of the same. I read it and had to count to a thousand before starting to talk with him softly and slowly; it's hard to talk with a knife lodged firmly in yer back. When I told him, "No more letters like this. Letters will count under journal entries now; you won't get into trouble for anything you write, if you honestly feel that way, however some facts will have to enter into this somewhere", he promptly wrote to all of his friends and told them it was better if he didn't write to anyone anymore, since he could do nothing right and screwed up everything he touched. I had to MAKE him start writing to people, in spite of his flounce. My putting him on a short leash was something I kept just between the two of us. Whenever he wanted to shout every detail to the world...I either smiled in an indulgent, parental type way...or else I shook my finger at him and brought his emotions back into balance with his logic.
quote:
Have you even been able to ask why he's prohibited it?
In the beginning, he heard from me that he can come to me about everything. He wanted to believe it but...didn't. It took a while to build transparency between us. I tell him everything, most of the time he doesn't even have to ask about something because I have read it in his face and/or body language and then we talk about what's on his mind. Nothing in either of our pasts or present is too ugly, too shameful or hurtful, and I explain everything, including why. His input isn't only welcomed...it's required.
quote:
In the back of your mind have you thought ...
He doesn't trust me
He must be insecure and scared to lose me to another Dom
For the first part, I think he was more concerned about being able to trust me than worrying about my trusting him. Until he broke my trust. By doing as I asked he was able to repair that trust. Trust cuts both ways; this is like a dance we do, both sides asking each other, "Can I trust you with all of me? With my life, my heart, my reputation..."
I'll interrupt myself with this thought... You are probably talking about a different example to what I am going on and on about, but I have an answer for that too. When two people start seriously dating, it's something like kids who start dating exclusively and "go steady", each person agreeing not to date anyone else. Yeah, the male Dom often asks the potential female sub to stop talking with other Dominants...this can be a bad thing for a newbie who is trying to find herself and good for some predators, but at the same time...I can see the respect given for the new potential relationship. Most good Dominants I've known have also taken the time to slow down newbies and go into teaching mode, usually in a hands off way until that new person learns the ropes. Anyway, the sub would be telling the Dom with her behavior that she has stopped playing the field, and that they are focusing on each other to see if they are compatible for a relationship. My mentor used to remind us that this cuts both ways...and used to check if the man was showing her the same respect. Was he asking her to stop seeing other men while he kept his own options open? She kept telling several of us to never make a man your priority if he is still playing the field. That having been said, when I am after friendly type play partners I am topping up to half a dozen; everyone knows this and they are all free to enjoy other Tops. When I am on a sub hunt my focus is only on one. It's my way of showing respect for my potential new partner.
Now back to the previous question, part two, about being insecure and afraid of losing a potential new sub to another Dom. When I first started with all this, a friend of mine in Atlanta told me that it was bad form to go hunting after someone else's intended prey. He also told me that Doms were supposed to greet other Doms first, and not ignore the Dominant and zero in on the guy's hawt submissive and focus totally on how to get into her pants. Respect. IMHO, a potential Dominant cannot take demand anything from someone he doesn't own or else risks her laughing in his face and then telling all her friends what an ass he was. He can make a request, and if she says no he can decide if he still wishes to give chase or he can decide if he's lost interest. I could see where this could be about insecurity, with a new Dominant, or about ego and/or a sense of entitlement. With so many wolves and so few prey, eh, maybe men have more to worry about over at Fet and CM about another guy stealing prey they had dibs on.
Personally though? When I restricted him I had my reasons. (I have hard limits too, and he was breaking them.) I wasn't worried about his being stolen by someone else, not because he isn't valuable and others wouldn't want him, "there are so very many men available", yada yada, but because at that time I was trying to see if I could manage this with him. Maybe we were incompatible. Definitely we would have been if I couldn't get him to want to submit to my will and learn to trust in my judgment. Does he do anything NOW that makes me scared or insecure? Yes, sometimes. Do I restrict him in any way? Alas, yes. When he spends time with his previous Dominant, they are not allowed to eat at a Chinese buffet again...for some reasons this pushes my buttons and hurts me in some small way...so I told him not to, and yes, I explained why. They're allowed to eat Mexican food, Italian, steak, whatever, but Chinese food is just to be a "just the two of us" thing.
I loan him out to her occasionally, when something breaks down in her house or she wants to go deer hunting or to put Christmas lights up around her house, and afterwards sometimes they eat out. I am letting him go over to her house for Christmas with her and her adult son because...they are friends now, because of me, believe it or not. We're broke for the next few months and have to see each other less often for a while, and his elderly mother needs him nearby during the holidays. I need to stay with my son and nearby to my own seventysomething mother. I want him to be with friends and family that day so he isn't so lonely. Sometimes I worry that bo will eventually outgrow me, and that the two of them will decide to give it another go since they have both grown a lot since the time bo was in service to her.
Insecurity comes from past ghosts I do battle with as well as from bo saying I could do better than owning him, that it would be in my best interests to trade up. Current medical issues are...hurting his soul and his sense of value. It's okay, we're okay, it just takes him longer to realize this. He is my lifemate, not some Kleenex person I used and plan to toss away. It still hurts me though, makes me feel loss when I haven't lost him. At the same time, if it was in his best interest to be with someone else, his needs would come before my own.
quote:
Or have you just accepted it as His will?
In the beginning, my boy was so hungry for his D/s fix that he would have turned to anybody. He was a mindless lemming who could not be slowed down nor stopped until he got burnt. He accepted because it is his nature, and because he saw how he had damaged and disrespected me and our relationship and wanted to help put things right. If he hadn't trusted me, if he hadn't wanted a relationship with me, he would have told me where to shove my restrictions.
My apologies for the "epic post" but your questions were good and I wanted to do them justice.
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RE: He Won't Let Me Talk To Others - 
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