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The Dom who wants to change you - 12/12/2012 11:02:15 AM   
TwistedChange


Posts: 14
Joined: 12/12/2012
Status: offline 		What about Doms who say 'if I find something I dont like' (meaning about you, as a sub) 'I'll change it to something I do like.' ..
I heard a Dom say this to a sub once, and have to wonder about the emotional impact of such a statement. How could she ever feel beautiful in his eyes if she fears him finding faults?

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the truth is seldom pure and never simple
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RE: The Dom who wants to change you - 12/12/2012 11:05:38 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		Piss poor way to put it.  For sure.   But if the woman wants to be more pleasing to the man.............

In any case, it can be handled with more aplomb than that, given the usual woman's deep insecurities.    I mean, it don't hurt by catching them doing something right first, does it?  Then sort of ease into the other....

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Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to TwistedChange)
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RE: The Dom who wants to change you - 12/12/2012 11:07:27 AM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline 		If he doesnt have enough sense to put it in a better way than that... well... lol


_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to TwistedChange)
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RE: The Dom who wants to change you - 12/12/2012 11:16:03 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		This depends on the context. If a guy said that to me on the third date, I'd likely advise him to go find someone more compatible. Particularly if it was some core aspect of my personality or some huge change in appearance.

That said, I've been married to my dom for six years. I have no doubt he loves me, cares for me, respects me, thinks I'm awesome. But if he wants to polish me up and make me a better person, I'm all for it. I already know he will put my wellbeing first. So with that in mind, I have no problem making changes for him. He works with me to get over my laziness, to stop biting my nails, to be more organised, to worry less. I get to be a better person, he gets a better wife. Everyone wins.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to TwistedChange)
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RE: The Dom who wants to change you - 12/12/2012 11:17:50 AM   
TwistedChange


Posts: 14
Joined: 12/12/2012
Status: offline 		I am fairly sure the guy concerned was into screwing around with just the same insecurities mnottertail was referring to.

_____________________________

the truth is seldom pure and never simple

(in reply to tazzygirl)
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RE: The Dom who wants to change you - 12/12/2012 11:24:18 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		And if that was true, other than he was an inept tongue artist (a horse who has 4 legs stumbles once in awhile, why not I, who only possesses one tongue?) then he is a fuckin turd.

I want girls telling me that my extremely average peener is the biggest sealclubber they have ever gobbled like a thanksgiving turkey and I know they are lying but they can do it so sweetly, and if they are horny, pretty convincingly.

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to TwistedChange)
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RE: The Dom who wants to change you - 12/12/2012 11:29:22 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		That's actually part of being a Dom - assessing my sub, working with her to overcome her weaknesses and fortify her strengths. But it could and should be presented better.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to mnottertail)
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RE: The Dom who wants to change you - 12/12/2012 11:29:34 AM   
came4U


Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline
quote:

What about Doms who say 'if I find something I dont like' (meaning about you, as a sub) 'I'll change it to something I do like.' ..
I heard a Dom say this to a sub once, and have to wonder about the emotional impact of such a statement. How could she ever feel beautiful in his eyes if she fears him finding faults?


Errrr isn't that the name of the game here??

I mean since no two people are the same and obviously one would be dominant, one submissive (and not equal otherwise you'd have two dominants or two submissives lol fun fun uhhhg) then one would have to make changes to please/teach how to please the other. Both should improve when it all comes down to it, but in the mix of learning to please the one that is the D the changes are probable to be unequal at different times and phases of the relationship. If not, we'd all be at POF looking at those weirdos I call 'Vanilla'.

Besides her 'beauty' lies in the change from cacoon to butterfly-state (of mind and body), if not then he not truly enjoying (nor appreciating) the ride and she is wasting her valuable time. That wouldn't be her fault that he was too much of a dorkass to notice that IS beauty.

< Message edited by came4U -- 12/12/2012 11:34:20 AM >

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It hurts.....that you call me a masochist


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RE: The Dom who wants to change you - 12/12/2012 12:35:16 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TwistedChange
What about Doms who say 'if I find something I dont like' (meaning about you, as a sub) 'I'll change it to something I do like.' ..
I heard a Dom say this to a sub once, and have to wonder about the emotional impact of such a statement. How could she ever feel beautiful in his eyes if she fears him finding faults?

Carol HAS faults. I've been married to her for 16 years now. Neither she nor I bother to deceive ourselves about this. I think in Carol the "emotional impact" is something akin to "Yay! A way I get to be even more perfect for the guy I want to be perfect for."

Carol is not required to be perfect in order for me to find her beautiful. I suspect her positive reaction to my fiddling around changing her has to do with the fact that she knows exactly what she looks like in my eyes. She's probably a little embarrassed by it. Or, at least, I sure as heck would be if I knew that someone looked at me the way I look at Carol.


_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to TwistedChange)
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RE: The Dom who wants to change you - 12/12/2012 12:54:26 PM   
MASTERLIX


Posts: 79
Joined: 7/4/2007
From: SIR LIX OF ATLANTA
Status: offline
quote:

If he doesn't have enough sense to put it in a better way than that... well... lol


Can you put it in a better way to still mean the same thing?

SL

(in reply to tazzygirl)
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RE: The Dom who wants to change you - 12/12/2012 1:03:42 PM   
Toppingfrmbottom


Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline 		I don't expect them to like everything about me, but I would expect the Dom to find most of me acceptable and. Not come into the relationship looking to change me much.

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One world under lube with vibrators and dildo's for all! quote from the sex toy 101 book

(in reply to MASTERLIX)
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RE: The Dom who wants to change you - 12/12/2012 1:49:25 PM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MASTERLIX

quote:

If he doesn't have enough sense to put it in a better way than that... well... lol


Can you put it in a better way to still mean the same thing?

SL


As they say.... its not what you say... its how you say it.

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to MASTERLIX)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: The Dom who wants to change you - 12/12/2012 1:51:39 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Lile driving fast, weilding a gun, or fucking with someones's personality. Lots think they can bit evidence says otherwise.

That said, changing someone is a very hot kink of mine.

(in reply to Toppingfrmbottom)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: The Dom who wants to change you - 12/12/2012 1:55:48 PM   
Nakhla


Posts: 104
Joined: 10/24/2012
Status: offline
It's not the best pick-up line, but I actually find the underlying sentiment very appealing. Because the more common sentiment really isn't "I'll take you as you are", it's more typically "I don't like this so change or I'm leaving or I'll channel this into unproductive resentment" rather than "I'll make you into a better person".

That last thought may reek of hubris and "Who made you God?" to most folks, but then some of us want that in a partner.

Also, I'm not a finished product, that must be in mint condition or taken back to the store. I've had a number of doms have very positive influences on my lives simply by changing stuff they thought could be better. They weren't always right, but mostly they were.

Maybe I've just been lucky?

_____________________________

Submediant In Search Of Dominant Resolution... Formerly WestBaySlave on these forums.

(in reply to TwistedChange)
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RE: The Dom who wants to change you - 12/12/2012 1:58:58 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: came4U
Errrr isn't that the name of the game here??

THANK YOU for saying that :)

quote:

I mean since no two people are the same and obviously one would be dominant, one submissive (and not equal otherwise you'd have two dominants or two submissives lol fun fun uhhhg) then one would have to make changes to please/teach how to please the other. Both should improve when it all comes down to it, but in the mix of learning to please the one that is the D the changes are probable to be unequal at different times and phases of the relationship. If not, we'd all be at POF looking at those weirdos I call 'Vanilla'.

That's not how it works between Carol and I. Both of us are required to change according to the needs of the marriage. I'm more brutal on myself with those changes than I am with her. The only difference me being the dom makes is that I'm the one figuring out which changes are optimal. Being dom, however, does not mean I am either stupid or selfish.

quote:

Besides her 'beauty' lies in the change from cacoon to butterfly-state (of mind and body), if not then he not truly enjoying (nor appreciating) the ride and she is wasting her valuable time. That wouldn't be her fault that he was too much of a dorkass to notice that IS beauty.

I'd say it a bit differently. Carol was never a cocoon to me. She was a butterfly from the moment I met her. But a part of her beauty is absolutely how completely and trustingly she gives herself to me... a fact I know by how malleable she is to me. Honestly, I'll often times make subtle little changes for no other reason than to enjoy watching her bend. For me, at least, her drive to do so is one great fat fucking huge "I LOVE YOU" so I find it beautiful.


_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to came4U)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: The Dom who wants to change you - 12/12/2012 3:05:29 PM   
ARIES83


Posts: 3648
Status: offline 		I don't really see the problem, apart from me finding
it tacky to talk about doing something rather than
just doing it, what the hell do you expect to happen?!

Theres a difference between accepting someone
despite their faults for who they are, and putting up
with unsatisfactory behaviours...

Heres some more statements along the same vein...
If I find that I don't like your hair long, it's getting
cut. If I don't like a dress, it stays in the draw. If
I don't like you biting your nails, your going to start
wearing some bad tasting crap as nailpolish.

Making the rules is the job description!
What that dom said tells me very little, how critical
he is of his own faults is the measure of that
statement and the man.
IMO anyone who truly values the standards and
discipline they set on others will set the bar for
themselves high also.

-Aries



_____________________________

530 DAYS

(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: The Dom who wants to change you - 12/12/2012 3:30:41 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

That's actually part of being a Dom - assessing my sub, working with her to overcome her weaknesses and fortify her strengths.


Just because someone has labeled themselves Dominant does not mean that they are qualified to help someone overcome their weaknesses.


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: The Dom who wants to change you - 12/12/2012 3:36:36 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl
Just because someone has labeled themselves Dominant does not mean that they are qualified to help someone overcome their weaknesses.

Well no. A label means nothing. But the fact that some specific submissive has agreed to obey some specific dominant damned well better mean that the submissive in question thinks they ARE qualified to do whatever it is that's contained in the job description of "dominant" in that relationship.


_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: The Dom who wants to change you - 12/12/2012 3:51:37 PM   
came4U


Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline
quote:

Just because someone has labeled themselves Dominant does not mean that they are qualified to help someone overcome their weaknesses.


lol, niceeeeeee, brilliant.

It is times like this that ...... If I were a man, an I had a penis ...I'd be wishin' you were on that penis.

*but I don't so all I got it a kudos. :)



< Message edited by came4U -- 12/12/2012 3:52:47 PM >

_____________________________

It hurts.....that you call me a masochist


(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: The Dom who wants to change you - 12/12/2012 4:05:58 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: came4U

quote:

Just because someone has labeled themselves Dominant does not mean that they are qualified to help someone overcome their weaknesses.


lol, niceeeeeee, brilliant.

It is times like this that ...... If I were a man, an I had a penis ...I'd be wishin' you were on that penis.

*but I don't so all I got it a kudos. :)




I've seen so many profiles where the guy is wearing stained, torn clothes, sloppy appearance, the room around them is a disaster and they look like they're living in their Mother's basement talking about how they're going to mold some submissive female into the ideal woman.


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to came4U)
Profile   Post #: 20
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