Teaching a sub

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

Teaching a sub

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> Teaching a sub

Page: [1] 2 3 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Teaching a sub - 12/20/2012 4:46:44 AM

jay1371

Posts: 29
Joined: 12/16/2012
Status: offline

I was just curious about the different ways different dominants teach their submissives. mainly the steps you would take, if any, to teach a new submissive with no experience. Examples of discipline, service, and how they are to communicate with you would really help. Also things you might do to learn about your sub or specific questions you may want to know before even considering taking someone as a sub.

Post #: 1

RE: Teaching a sub - 12/20/2012 5:25:05 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

Good morning jay.

These are some great questions for a new person to ask.

When getting to know a person, I ask the same questions anyone asks to try and get to know someone: What do you do for a living? Do you enjoy it? Do you have pets? Do you read? What do you like to read? What kind of movies do you like? What TV series are you watching? Do you like sports? What are your idea about politics? What kind of music do you like? What are your religious views?

I try to establish a rapport with the other person, to determine if we have areas of common interest. If we do, I would continue to ask some basic BDSM questions: What kind of experience do you have? Why do you consider yourself submissive? What kind of relationship would you like to have with a dominant female? What can you offer a dominant female (aside from your body/dick)? What are some of your favorite fantasies? What are you limits? Have you ever filled out a BDSM checklist? What kind of reading (non-fiction) have you done?

Again, I am establishing a rapport.

As for how to teach a submissive, well that's simple, really. If the relationship progresses to the point that the person has agreed to be my sub, then I make it clear I expect obedience. Easy-peasy, I ask, you obey.

Please note: During the initial getting to know period, there *SHOULD* be a great deal of discussion about what and why I ask things, AND the sub has the option to obey, or explain (nicely) why they cannot. As in all relationships, trust and communication are key. So I do everything I can to establish trust, and to allow the person to feel free to communicate with me.

_____________________________

(in reply to jay1371)

Post #: 2

RE: Teaching a sub - 12/20/2012 5:28:53 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

Hi Jay,

Have you found the booklist yet? http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm

Try picking up a few of the non fiction that resonate with you.

Best,

KK

_____________________________

Curious about the "Sluts Vote" avatars? See http://www.collarchat.com/m_4133036/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#4133036

(in reply to jay1371)

Post #: 3

RE: Teaching a sub - 12/20/2012 7:06:41 AM

Rochsub2009

Posts: 2536
Status: offline

Jay,
IMO your questions are a bit too broad. The reason that I say that is that, IMO, D/s relationships are no different than vanilla relationships. They're all made up of human beings, and every single one of them is different. So it's hard to give a single answer (or answers) to your question.

Frankly, it's like asking "how do you teach your boyfriend/girlfriend to be a good partner?" Everyone is going to have a different answer. Moreover, the only answer that really matters is the one that you and your partner agree to.

There are so many different types of D/s relationships. Some are "bedroom only". Some Doms/Dommes have "subs", while others have "slaves". Others act as switches within their dynamic. My point is that there are also many different ways that people define their D/s relationships.

I'm not trying to discourage you in your quest for knowledge. I just want to point out that every single person is likely to have a different answer, and none of them may be appropriate for you and your partner.

Good luck.
-Roch

(in reply to jay1371)

Post #: 4

RE: Teaching a sub - 12/20/2012 7:39:52 AM

OttersSwim

Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline

Hello Jay,

I wanted to say that I really like that you are -thinking- about all this - trying to sort it out and determine how and where you fit. That is crucial and you wouldn't believe how many people we get in here that are decidedly -not- thinking...at least not with their brain. :P

To my mind, it makes the difference between the "Wannabe" and the "Gonnabe" And if you continue inquiring as you have done thus far, you will find what works for you in this lifestyle.

My experience is that a large proportion of female-led relationships are "service oriented" with the male sub/slave contributing some form of service into the Lady's life, and often the establishment of a service dynamic. I am in one myself. In observing my Lady in the early stages of our relationship, I realized that there were places in her life that I could integrate myself in a service capacity and thereby make her live easier. She did not ask for it, nor teach me, I did it on my own initiative. And, upon seeing that what I offered was something she enjoyed and wanted (and I was looking), I looked about to see how I might expand my service further.

Today we live together, are married, and she leads us. She is a sadist, and we both enjoy sensation play, but we don't really have a discipline dynamic. I know that there are those that do, and enjoy it.

Certainly you are on the right track here, so keep thinking and asking questions! :)

_____________________________

I am on a journey of authenticity and self.

(in reply to jay1371)

Post #: 5

RE: Teaching a sub - 12/20/2012 7:50:05 AM

jay1371

Posts: 29
Joined: 12/16/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009

Jay,
IMO your questions are a bit too broad. The reason that I say that is that, IMO, D/s relationships are no different than vanilla relationships. They're all made up of human beings, and every single one of them is different. So it's hard to give a single answer (or answers) to your question.

Frankly, it's like asking "how do you teach your boyfriend/girlfriend to be a good partner?" Everyone is going to have a different answer. Moreover, the only answer that really matters is the one that you and your partner agree to.

There are so many different types of D/s relationships. Some are "bedroom only". Some Doms/Dommes have "subs", while others have "slaves". Others act as switches within their dynamic. My point is that there are also many different ways that people define their D/s relationships.

I'm not trying to discourage you in your quest for knowledge. I just want to point out that every single person is likely to have a different answer, and none of them may be appropriate for you and your partner.

Good luck.
-Roch

The question was meant to be broad. I know there are many different ways different people go about it I just wanted to read some of those ways. I don't expect the same clear cut answer from everyone who wishes to reply. I simply want to see the diversity between anyone who does reply. Getting different answers from different people could give help me form general ideas which is better than nothing for someone with no experience. So yes the subject is broad and I expect to get many different answers but what I take from it may lead me to something more specific. That's the idea behind it anyway lol

(in reply to Rochsub2009)

Post #: 6

RE: Teaching a sub - 12/20/2012 8:05:48 AM

jay1371

Posts: 29
Joined: 12/16/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OttersSwim

Hello Jay,

I wanted to say that I really like that you are -thinking- about all this - trying to sort it out and determine how and where you fit. That is crucial and you wouldn't believe how many people we get in here that are decidedly -not- thinking...at least not with their brain. :P

To my mind, it makes the difference between the "Wannabe" and the "Gonnabe" And if you continue inquiring as you have done thus far, you will find what works for you in this lifestyle.

My experience is that a large proportion of female-led relationships are "service oriented" with the male sub/slave contributing some form of service into the Lady's life, and often the establishment of a service dynamic. I am in one myself. In observing my Lady in the early stages of our relationship, I realized that there were places in her life that I could integrate myself in a service capacity and thereby make her live easier. She did not ask for it, nor teach me, I did it on my own initiative. And, upon seeing that what I offered was something she enjoyed and wanted (and I was looking), I looked about to see how I might expand my service further.

Today we live together, are married, and she leads us. She is a sadist, and we both enjoy sensation play, but we don't really have a discipline dynamic. I know that there are those that do, and enjoy it.

Certainly you are on the right track here, so keep thinking and asking questions! :)

Now that is a very interesting bit of information. Roche also mentioned this in a different post he replied to.

(in reply to OttersSwim)

Post #: 7

RE: Teaching a sub - 12/20/2012 8:16:32 AM

Rochsub2009

Posts: 2536
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: jay1371
Getting different answers from different people could give help me form general ideas which is better than nothing for someone with no experience.

Okay, fair enough.

Very early on in my D/s journey, I served a high protocol "old guard" Domme. She was very well-known, and had been at it for years. She had rules and protocols for EVERYTHING. There was a specific way that I was to address her. A specific way that I was to greet her. A specific way that I was to await her arrival. A specific way that I was supposed to serve her tea. A specific way that I was supposed to sit while awaiting her next command. A specific way that I was supposed to indicate to her that I wished to speak. And a specific way that I was to exit her presence. And every single mistake was pointed out and corrected, until her protocols became second nature for me.

Since that time, I've mainly served "new school" Dommes. They tend to be much less rigid in their rules and protocols. Each has been very different in her approach, so it's hard to draw any similarities between any of them.

The one thing that is worth noting is that none of my relationships have been punishment oriented. I'm not a masochist, so I'm not drawn to sadistic Dommes who spend a lot of time finding new ways to inflict pain on their sub. But if that's what you enjoy, then sadistic Dommes are definitely out there.

But in my recent relationships, the rules and regulations were generally communicated through simple conversations. If I did something that she didn't like, she simply told me, and I'd try to do better next time. No protocol books to memorize or anything like that.

Think of it like living in your mom's house. Since it's her house, you have to abide by her rules. You may not always be able to anticipate when something that you do is going to upset her, but you know that when you do upset her, you'd better fix it fast. ;-)

I'm sure others will offer additional answers. But hopefully I've been able to help a little.

Good luck to you.
-Roch

< Message edited by Rochsub2009 -- 12/20/2012 8:19:16 AM >

(in reply to jay1371)

Post #: 8

RE: Teaching a sub - 12/20/2012 8:23:25 AM

PrincessDonna11

Posts: 289
Joined: 8/7/2011
Status: offline

Wonderful thread! To start I do face to face interviews FIRST..cut of those that displayed interest after 30 days if they dont arrange face to face during that time,Im not going to keep chatting when I can keep looking...I start with very basic training Presenting Postions as I have found from experience that its not a good idea to ASSUME that a sub knows the basics just because they claim to have been collared before...every Domme has her own agenda''''Good Luck And Thanks For A Thread That Will Be Useful To Many I'm Sure.....

(in reply to Rochsub2009)

Post #: 9

RE: Teaching a sub - 12/20/2012 9:44:57 AM

SylvereApLeanan

Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline

~FR~

My girlfriend has no experience. I mean ZERO. In fact, when we met, she was a virgin. She's naturally submissive, but had never even seen kinky porn, let alone done anything kinky. I'm introducing her to BDSM very slowly and gently. I started by testing out my impact toys on her hand or arm so she could see how they feel and decide which of them she might like to try. Then I gave her a light, barehanded spanking and chained her wrists during what was otherwise vanilla sex. Most importantly, I'm letting her decide what we do and how fast we go and we communicate LOTS. With her, kink is bedroom-only right now, and I suspect it will stay that way.

On the other hand, my Kittyboi is a moderately experienced sub. When we first began talking, we discussed our definitions of D/s and discovered our ideas are nearly identical. We did the same with kinky play, polyamory, political and spiritual views, and the typical relationship questions I ask of anyone. If we'd been incompatible in any of those areas, that would have eliminated any chance of having a D/s relationship. Fortunately, we have very compatible values, goals, and interests, both kinky and vanilla. With him, it's just a matter of teaching him how I like things done on the service side (Example: do not talk to me before coffee - 2 packets of sweetener, enough cream to turn it a golden, caramel color), and learning to read his body cues on the play side.

I'm not a high protocol person, so I don't care about things like titles or positions. Though I do enjoy it when he calls me his Queen.

I'm results oriented rather than process oriented. I don't care whether he serves my coffee standing or on his knees, as long as I get it and it's prepared the way I like it. He's very intelligent and independent, so it works out well. I tell him I want something done, he makes it happen, everyone's happy. I do have a BDSM checklist and some other questionnaires that include things like known allergies, hard limits, favorite types of play, etc., which I'm having him fill out, however, we've already discussed most of the information in person. I just like having his answers in print so I can refer back to them.

_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl

"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to PrincessDonna11)

Post #: 10

RE: Teaching a sub - 12/20/2012 11:38:29 AM

SeekingTrinity

Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline

Ive found over time that the approach I take with a completely novice (with no experience) submissive differs slightly from the approach I take with a more experienced submissive. With a no-experience submissive, there is the fantasy world of BDSM that they have in their mind which doesnt always mesh with the reality world of BDSM. A no experience novice just doesnt have any real life experience to draw on, so you have to take things a lot slower with that person compared to someone who has some actual experience that they can draw on. That doesnt mean that I necessarily prefer experienced submissives over novice ones. Its just that I have to go about things a little bit differently and perhaps have a bit more patience.

There are general similarities in which I do things as well. Like Chatte, I prefer to establish a rapport with someone and have an interest in knowing who they are outside of their kink. I watch how you treat and speak to others. I will get a basic feel for a person kink-wise online as a way of determining if there is a basic compatibility, but most of my more serious discussions tend to be face to face because written communication leaves out much of the non-verbal nuances that face to face communication. When I ask a question either through written or verbal means, I reasonably expect my questions to be answered or to be provided with a reason as to why a person cant answer. A huge pet peeve of mine is that I take the time to ask a well-thought out question of someone and they completely ignore me.

In the beginning, I dont go for the whole dynamic of demanding someone refer to me by a title or anything like that. In my eyes, you and I would be on equal footing as two people having conversations and learning about each other. Ive always believed that things will work themselves out the way they are meant to be. I certainly dont feel the need to add pressure to the mix. Organic development and natural transitions are what I like.

Im a supporter of BDSM checklists. I think that they are a great way to get an idea of who someone is and what they are hoping to find through the connection you forge with them. I will ask also about medical issues, previous injuries, past traumas that could be triggered or aggravated by delving into kink, etc. I also dont demand or expect someone to trust me right away. I earn that through my actions and I have no shame in admitting it.

Hope Ive answered your questions in an understandable way

(in reply to jay1371)

Post #: 11

RE: Teaching a sub - 12/20/2012 12:27:31 PM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: jay1371

I was just curious about the different ways different dominants teach their submissives. mainly the steps you would take, if any, to teach a new submissive with no experience. Examples of discipline, service, and how they are to communicate with you would really help. Also things you might do to learn about your sub or specific questions you may want to know before even considering taking someone as a sub.

I'm going to talk about things YOU can do to learn useful skills as what MY sub would be expected to know & do would be different from LP's clip or kitty or some of the other's subs. Every domme will have different expectations & versions of "the right way"

Get even a part time job as a waiter. This teaches patience (which you will need a lot of as a male sub), proper place settings, service, plates, silver, types of food & wine that go well together, cocktails, wine & how in general to keep people happy. Had i not been a Domme this job would have brought me play (at minimum) with some of the most sought after & respected dominants in my state. Hell met LP in person once as the waitress at a munch.

Take cooking classes, just one night 2 or 3 item meals & drink pairings.

Massage or reflexology classes

**above all have faith in yourself!! You've started off on the right foot, stay on that path. Who you are now is desirable, you're just polishing not overhauling!!

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to jay1371)

Post #: 12

RE: Teaching a sub - 12/20/2012 12:51:10 PM

jay1371

Posts: 29
Joined: 12/16/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: theRose4U

quote:

ORIGINAL: jay1371

I was just curious about the different ways different dominants teach their submissives. mainly the steps you would take, if any, to teach a new submissive with no experience. Examples of discipline, service, and how they are to communicate with you would really help. Also things you might do to learn about your sub or specific questions you may want to know before even considering taking someone as a sub.

I'm going to talk about things YOU can do to learn useful skills as what MY sub would be expected to know & do would be different from LP's clip or kitty or some of the other's subs. Every domme will have different expectations & versions of "the right way"

Get even a part time job as a waiter. This teaches patience (which you will need a lot of as a male sub), proper place settings, service, plates, silver, types of food & wine that go well together, cocktails, wine & how in general to keep people happy. Had i not been a Domme this job would have brought me play (at minimum) with some of the most sought after & respected dominants in my state. Hell met LP in person once as the waitress at a munch.

Take cooking classes, just one night 2 or 3 item meals & drink pairings.

Massage or reflexology classes

**above all have faith in yourself!! You've started off on the right foot, stay on that path. Who you are now is desirable, you're just polishing not overhauling!!

Now that is something worth looking into :) thank you very much

(in reply to theRose4U)

Post #: 13

RE: Teaching a sub - 12/20/2012 6:28:16 PM

SomethingCatchy

Posts: 796
Joined: 7/29/2008
Status: offline

That is an excellent post, Rose! Thank you for posting your ideas, not only has it helped me come up with some of mine, but it's already been helpful to the OP.

_____________________________

I believe in Invisible Pink Unicorns

Everyone is gay for Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be evil.

(in reply to jay1371)

Post #: 14

RE: Teaching a sub - 12/20/2012 7:57:12 PM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline

LOL this is stuff we tell all you subby boys ALL THE TIME!! OP just happens to have his brain above his belt & realizes "service to Dommes" might literally mean SERVE-us! So many ask "what do you want what can we do sexual to make you want us"usually the answer is basic service stuff...that's about the ONLY thing that from one domme to the next will be basically the same.

For the record additional pluses:
Landscaping
Handyman/painting
Flower arranging
Making bath salts/soaps
Making toys (fluffy bunny floggers as an example)...not super attractive sweet guy. makes KILLER toys!!
Tea ceremonies (hell knowing varieties at all)
Housekeeping

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to SomethingCatchy)

Post #: 15

RE: Teaching a sub - 12/20/2012 8:54:25 PM

RumpusParable

Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline

Well, when he was learning to make chicken and dumplings how I like them I at times told him "these are too fluffy/doughy", "I like how dense these dumplings are this time", "I like it when you make it so the broth is really thick that way" and so on til he started making it just how I enjoy it most.

How to massage me: He was using an oil on me recently that I didn't like, so I told him I prefer him to use my Fair Trade Foot Lotion everywhere.

I told him what type of ice tea I like from the grocery and so that's what he gets me now. Ditto for the flavors of soy yogurt I prefer.

Stuff like that.

_____________________________

Relationships come and go, but plastination is forever.

I generally use fast-reply. If directing my post at someone specific I will indicate so.

Minimal summary: Artist, Disabled Veteran, Vegan, Pornographer, and Agender dominant female.

(in reply to theRose4U)

Post #: 16

RE: Teaching a sub - 12/20/2012 8:58:12 PM

RumpusParable

Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline

What I ask and such on first talking? If it's a case where we're specifically considering each other for a power-exchange relationship (rather than getting to know each other in a vanilla fashion and shifting into it naturally), I ask things about if they have pets, family, what they do for work, if and how they are service-oriented, what level of control they would ideally like to give up and what are their past experiences with such things, what type of play they like, if they will be able to attend kink functions with me, etc.

_____________________________

Relationships come and go, but plastination is forever.

I generally use fast-reply. If directing my post at someone specific I will indicate so.

Minimal summary: Artist, Disabled Veteran, Vegan, Pornographer, and Agender dominant female.

(in reply to RumpusParable)

Post #: 17

RE: Teaching a sub - 12/20/2012 9:00:04 PM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline

RP you should try coconut yogurt, its non-dairy goodness!!

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to RumpusParable)

Post #: 18

RE: Teaching a sub - 12/20/2012 9:17:55 PM

RumpusParable

Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline

Oooooo, I SHALL!

_____________________________

Relationships come and go, but plastination is forever.

I generally use fast-reply. If directing my post at someone specific I will indicate so.

Minimal summary: Artist, Disabled Veteran, Vegan, Pornographer, and Agender dominant female.

(in reply to theRose4U)

Post #: 19

RE: Teaching a sub - 12/20/2012 9:49:56 PM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: jay1371
The question was meant to be broad. I know there are many different ways different people go about it I just wanted to read some of those ways.

Fair enough then. Factor into your thinking that I'm a male dominant. I'm not quite sure what that might have to do with your question but there ya go. I wasn't going to actually give this answer because I figured it'd be unhelpful but if you're looking to see the spectrum then here's my spin. Our marriage is not very kinky. We don't engage in BDSM. Because of that there's little to no protocol either. We just have an authority and ownership dynamic in what is otherwise a pretty normal marriage. What all of that means is that Carol didn't need to learn the 227 slave positions or how to deep throat a cannon or anything like that to be mine. She just needed to obey. That kind of cuts the training curve down to a minimum.

"Discipline": This wasn't ever necessary with Carol. She has plenty of strength and self-discipline. I wouldn't be sharing my home and my life with someone who did not. The closest you could say to me training "discipline" is when she disobeyed the first time and told her the next time would be the last. That certainly stiffened her spine. That wasn't really me training discipline though. It was merely setting an expectation.

For service and communication I just tell her what I want or how I want it and she does it that way. It's not very elaborate. I'm very much of a similar disposition with ChatteParfaitt. Carol wants to obey. I want her to obey. Great... let's start with the obedience. Training done. If she later doesn't want to obey then no worries. She hands me the collar back and she's not my slave any more. Easy-peasy :)

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to jay1371)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 3 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> Teaching a sub

Page: [1] 2 3 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.188